Whirled Musings

Across the Universe with Cosmic Connie, aka Connie L. Schmidt...or maybe just through the dung-filled streets and murky swamps of pop culture -- more specifically, the New-Age/New-Wage crowd, pop spirituality & religion, pop psychology, self(ish)-help, business babble, media silliness, & related (or occasionally unrelated) matters of consequence. Hope you're wearing boots. (By the way, the "Cosmic" bit in my moniker is IRONIC.)

Sunday, August 25, 2013

Man made famous by Kevin Trudeau tells you how to cure aging, death, tumors, herpes, and ugliness

 Here's a 2007 ad from the much-missed 
Weekly World News. *
Alas, The web site listed on the ad

is no longer in service. (Click to enlarge.)

As you are probably more than aware by now if you have been hanging around this Whirled at all over the past... oh... fifteen months or so -- or even if you have been paying attention to
the occasional news story about the matter -- serial scammer Kevin Trudeau is in a whole heap of trouble. The US Federal Trade Commission (FTC) is on his a$$ big time. He has a criminal contempt trial coming up in November. And a judge recently appointed a receiver to take over all of the known Trudeau business entities, and possibly even some unknown ones if they can find them, to see if they can scare up enough money to pay that $37 million dollar fine that the FTC decided would be a fair price for Katie to pay consumers who felt scammed by his weight loss book.

One of the latest pieces of buzz is related to Katie's biggest scam of all, the Ponzi-like Global Information Network (GIN), which, according to rumor, has caught the attention of the FBI. Recently there have been rumors of G-men showing up at the doors of X-GIN and quizzing them about their involvement with the club. If this is even remotely true, it is no doubt a logical consequence of events set in motion years ago. Apart from the FTC, numerous other government agencies (IRS, SEC, etc.)
have had their noses in Katie's business for years. So have various consumer orgs and state Attorneys General and District Attorneys. It may all be coming to a head now... or maybe not. I'm not really too excited about the FBI buzz at this point, particularly considering the sources. And I would question the credibility of anyone who says that the FBI is now handling GIN refunds.

Anyway. One of the chief defenses that KT defenders use to defend what I find mostly indefensible is that Kevin Trudeau has been a source of priceless information over the years -- particularly "health" info. Many folks honestly seem to believe Kevin's line that he is mostly being persecuted and prosecuted because he has been such a valuable source of information that "they" don't want you to know about. The "they" who want to keep this valuable data away from you include the big bad gummit, the big pharmaceutical companies, the medical profession, the food industry, and whatnot.

While much if not most of his "information" is questionable -- and is almost always presented in the context of selling something -- one thing that isn't questionable is that many purveyors of frauducts and flopportunities have skyrocketed to new levels of fame, particularly over the past few years, because Kevin Trudeau promoted them, either via his books, his radio show, or GIN. One of the more notorious flopportunists is the nefarious Not-Doc Loony Coldwell, the former Bernd Klein/Bernd Witchner, who, after fleeing his homeland of Germany (for reasons he has never really explained in a credible manner), was a daft little nothing in the US until Trudeau recommended him in his first Natural Cures book. And voila! Overnight, Loony had been transformed, via that Trudeau magic, into a daft little something. After being ousted from GIN in spring of 2012, Loony turned on his former b.f.f., but his ride on the Katie train was a good one for him while it lasted.

Numerous other folks have ridden to fame, and some to at least fleeting fortune, on that same train. And though some may now feel a little bit uncomfortable about their past (or present) association with Trudeau, in light of his troubles becoming so glaringly apparent, most have remained rather quiet about it. Loony is an exception, ranting nonstop about Trudeau on Facebook and on his own site. He is like an angry red boil on the bum of Scamworld -- a boil that just won't go away.

But there's one guy you may not have heard of who also got a ride on that train for a time. He took a couple of paragraphs' worth of frauduct promotion in Katie's first Natural Cures book and built a whole cottage empire,
complete with cheesy web sites. I'm talking about Alex Chiu, a Chinese-American crackpot who has a line of frauducts for which he has made some very big claims indeed.

F'rinstance,
there are his Immortality Rings. These are magnetic rings you wear on your fingers while you're sleeping, and, if you really want superb results, you also wear magnetic foot braces on your toes. Sez Kevin, writing about the rings in Natural Cures:
"These are inexpensive and easy to use. Simply wear this specially designed Magnetic ring on the small finger of each hand, and if you want even more benefit, wear the foot (toe) brace on each foot. These are worn when you sleep. The health benefits seem to be almost unbelievable. This device appears to radically slow the aging process and, in most cases, appears to reverse the aging process; people report looking and feeling younger as time goes on. These are absolutely amazing."
~ Kevin Trudeau, Natural Cures, pg.116 [cited in Chiu's promotional copy]
Maybe that's why Katie looks so young for his advanced age -- well, it's advanced according to some of the dolts who actually believed Kevin when he wrote, a few years ago, that he was 76. (Hint: He was joking. He even said he was joking, the point being to taunt the FTC.) At present Kevin is actually only 50, though he was still in his 40s at the time he said he was 76.

The only bad thing is that once Kevin made Alex's magickal magnetics so popular, a host of copycat magickal magnets flooded the market. So Alex and his affiliates had to spend a lot of time and energy convincing people not to fall for imitations. For instance,
there's this 2011 vid where you get to see a real live set of the genuine Alex Chiu magickal rings, sitting in front of a copy of Natural Cures and set off by some shaky camera work.

There's a small catch, though -- and here's what Katie doesn't tell you in Natural Cures -- the Immortality Rings/Braces alone won't do the trick if you have some really egregious things wrong with you, such as a serious handicap or a giant tumor. (Actually, either one of those could describe what Loony Coldwell was to Kevin True-dough... but I digress.) If you have some potentially grave stuff going on inside or out, such as tumors or handicaps or cancers or herpes or angry, maniacal little German twerps,
you also need the Super Chi Flush. Here is the scientifical explanation from Alex:

The Immortality Rings re-align and regroup your body faster than it ages.  Therefore it is believed to reverse the aging process.  But if you have a serious handicap or a giant tumor, the rings alone cannot cure you....
...That's why Super Chi Flush is created. 
Super Chi Flush's herbal compound is strong enough to break the toughest clogs in your body.  It will send Chi energy into any area of your body.  Super Chi Flush will allow you to feel healing throughout the entire body.  You will feel constant healing for the entire healing session.  (around 2 hours)  So you can enjoy 2 hours of very strong and noticeable 'healing feeling' every night at your most critically blocked area.
Super Chi Flush fights the toughest clogs in the body slowly opening up the blockades which hindered the flow of Chi energy.  The end result is that the entire body's Chi flow will eventually be unclogged.  Could this mean that all handicaps, tumor, herpes, cancer, etc. will all be flushed away by Super Chi Flush?  No medical claim, so you decide.
Super Chi Flush is green-food powder that contains only natural herbs.  Absolutely no side affect.  Super Chi Flush does not work without Gorgeouspil and the Immortality Rings.
Direction of use: Dump 3 teaspoons of Super Chi Flush powder into half a cup of cold or warm water.  Mix well.  Drink it along with Gorgeouspil 20 minutes before you go to bed for healing. 
Ingredients: Dong Quai, Korean ginseng, Hoelen, Ramulus Mori, Shitake, Reishi, Kelp, barley grass, Marjoram, Basil, Thyme, Parsley, Ginkgo Biloba, American ginseng, ginger, black pepper, and Licorice.  Most of it is Chinese herbs.
I bet Super Chi Flush is even better than a Bepure Cleanse. (I wonder if it would help the intractable drain in the tub in our master bathroom...)

Now, let's suppose that you have successfully stopped the aging process by wearing Immortality Rings/Braces on your fingers and toes, and have unclogged the clogged areas of your innards so that your Chi is flowing wherever it needs to flow. (Hopefully you won't get any excess Chi on those new 800-count Egyptian cotton bed sheets.) With your Ring-wearing and your Super-flushing, will you have finally found the key to perfect health and happiness?

Well... probably not, and certainly not if you happen to be ugly. But the good news is that there is a cure for ugly too, and Alex Chiu has it. It's this marvelous supplement called Gorgeouspil. Gorgeous + pil=Gorgeouspil. Get it?

Gorgeouspil works, says Alex, by magically rearranging your bone structure. It can make you right purty right away, and if you use it long enough, you will one day reach PHYSICAL PERFECTION.

Don't take my word for it. Pictures don't lie. Here, for instance, is a picture proving that if you take Gorgeouspil, you can be transformed from a pouty young woman with no makeup to a pouty young woman with makeup. And if you take Gorgeouspil long enough, like maybe three to four weeks, you can morph into a pouty young woman who has makeup and also has fake blood all over the lower part of her face.




You can read more about these miraculous makeovers -- including Alex Chiu's own transformation from a man with a "typical Asian face" to one with a more "macho and manly" white-person face -- right here. I know this will blow all of your preconceived notions out of the water, but Alex Chiu managed to look good at the ripe old age of...gasp... 38!.. because of Gorgeouspil and his magnetic Immortality Rings.

But if you are still not convinced after all of that, take a gander at Franco Fiori of Italy, whose before-and-later picture appears in the 2007 Weekly World News ad at the top of this page. Franco went from an average man to a man with TV star looks in just a matter of weeks.


But wait, there's more! Gorgeouspil, like those magickal magnetic rings, will not only make you prettier, but it will also help keep you from aging. And ultimately, if enough people take Gorgeouspil, it will solve the problem of human overpopulation. It all has to do with that Chi-flow thing again.
And Gorgeouspil can stop humans from multiplying! So spreading the usage of Gorgeouspil can save the environment.  Here's why:
  1. Without Gorgeouspil, people's bodies would age.  Blockages of Chi energy would torment a person's soul.   The soul can no longer tolerate flowing inside a deteriorating body.  New bodies need to be reproduced.
  2. The deteriorating body is forced to produce offspring so that his soul can share a line of new and fresh bodies.  This is what I call 'abandon ship' theory.
  3. But with Gorgeouspil, the body will constantly be repaired.   Blockages of Chi energy will slowly be opened up.  If there is [sic] no more blockages of Chi energy, the soul will no longer be tormented.  Therefore the body no longer needs to reproduce itself.  No more 'abandon ship'.
So people who take Gorgeouspil don't want kids.  (You still can have kids. But you just don't want one.)  A person who takes Gorgeouspil likes to concentrate his soul within his own body and does not wish to scatter his soul on to other bodies.  So making babies is not desirable for people who take Gorgeouspil.  Gorgeouspil allows a person to achieve unlimited beauty and unlimited youth.  Meanwhile, it stops humans from unnecessary reproductions of more human beings.
Help bring this new technology to light.  For the sake of mother nature, for the sake of millions of innocent animals, for the sake of your own future.  Don't blindly let the unnecessary reproductions of more human beings ruin our home.  Spread the word about Gorgeouspil.
As an immortal you have a duty to protect our planet.  Let the spreading of words be your first mission.

We don't sell copper bracelets. We offer neodymium magnet, which was introduced by Natural Cures Trudeau, the book natural cures they don't want you to know about (page 194, 1st edition). Copper bracelet doesn't work as well as health magnets that we sell. Our neodymium magnets are truly the best magnetic finger rings on the market.
Keep in mind that Gorgeouspil doesn't really work properly without the magickal rings and Super Chi Flush. Here's what it says on the Super Chi Flush page, regarding Gorgeouspil and the rings:
Gorgeouspil will maximize the power of the rings by stimulating all cells in your body forcing them to regroup and re-align.  But I find it difficult for Gorgeouspil to open up the extremely critical damages of your body.  Gorgeouspil can help regroup and rebound your backbone because bone and flesh are the easiest to heal.  But delecate [sic] Chi blockades in the spinal cord might be difficult for Gorgeouspil to rebound.  The Gorgeouspil energy simply by-passes through the bone and flesh area and might not enter the spinal cord's nerve area. 
So of course you do need you some of that Super Chi Flush too. Just remember that Super Chi Flush, as you probably noticed from the copy above, doesn't really work properly without Gorgeouspil and the magickal rings. And the magickal rings don't really work properly without Super Chi Flush and Gorgeouspil.

I think you get my drift. You need the whole shebang.

How much will all of this set you back?
This may give you an idea.

And there you have it, Dear Ones: the seekrits to immortality, and all for a very reasonable price. Maybe if that other famous Trudeau-endorsed "immortal," Mony Vital, had bought some of this junk,
he wouldn't have kicked off on the GIN cruise earlier this year.

In any case, had it not been for Kevin True-dough, the work of the genius creator of the Immortality Rings and Braces, Super Chi Flush, and Gorgeouspil might have gone unnoticed by the world. And that would have been a tragedy.

Thanks to the Trudeau-endorsed Alex Chiu (who, oddly enough, seems to be missing in action these days; perhaps the FTC and the FDA "noticed" him too), we have seen that there is, at last, a possible cure for aging, death, tumors, herpes, and ugly. But it appears that even with all of these great advances,
there is still no cure for stupid.

And for as long as he can possibly manage to do so, Kevin Trudeau will continue, in one way or another -- whether through magickal magnets, hair farming systems, mystical e-Pendants, or any number of other frauducts and flopportunities -- to milk that stupid for all it's worth.


PS ~ I've linked to this before, but this October 2005 (pre-GIN) piece from the Washington Post portrays Trudeau's penchant for frauducts, as well as his huckster personality. Even though I have a better understanding than I used to have of Trudeau's appeal, I still find it remarkable that Trudeau was so well-known in popular culture as a huckster... and yet so many people still fell into that whole GIN web.

More snarks about Chiu from years past:
Some ChiuTube: http://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PL6538DE6CD60FF734

* Thanks to my pal Chris Locke, author of the fabulous but too-long-neglected Mystic B blog, for sending the Weekly World News ad to me.

More True-dough on this Whirled:

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3 Comments:

Anonymous hhH said...

Yeah baby, blow chi-flush up my immortality ring!

Tuesday, August 27, 2013 10:11:00 PM  
Anonymous HHh said...

Watch out for those chinese herbs, my doctor said, you can get some nasty contaminants if you don't get them from a decent source.

Tuesday, August 27, 2013 10:13:00 PM  
Anonymous J said...

BTW, I see an obituary for Jesse Marcel Jr in the Guardian here

http://www.theguardian.com/world/2013/aug/28/roswell-jesse-marcel-dies

Wednesday, August 28, 2013 3:50:00 PM  

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