Tuesday, January 30, 2007

Mountains, cars and coconuts

As y'all have no doubt noticed, it's been nearly three weeks since I've blogged. No doubt some fans of The Secret were hoping that the inactivity on Whirled Musings was due to the influence of their collective powerful intentions. Perhaps they were even beginning to believe that my absence was permanent – and good riddance to all of my horrid negativity and hate-mongering, some were probably thinking.

I am truly sorry to disappoint them, but I'm back.

Actually, the Rev and I got back home late last week, but we have had so much catching up to do that blogging, alas, had to take a backseat. As I mentioned in a previous post, we took a road trip up to Montana to see a new client. Not only were we preoccupied with the logistics of the trip and with our new project, but, unfortunately, our ancient notebook computer refused to let us avail ourselves of the many wi-fi hotspots now available in even the remotest parts of the country. Curiously enough, dial-up didn't work either, which, I imagine, is the Universe's way of telling us we need to replace the notebook asap. So we barely had a chance to check email, to say nothing of blogging.

Beyond the connectivity challenges, our trip was a true Wild West adventure, or at least the modern-day equivalent thereof. The Rev says that if someone had told him, before the trip, that he'd end up driving 80 miles an hour over slick roads with blowing snow and wind gusts of over 40 mph, he'd have thought they were crazy. But if you don't drive 80 or faster through some parts of Wyoming, the other drivers will run over you.

Ironically, the weather we encountered was not nearly as crappy as the weather we left. Up in the mountains it was, as they say, a "dry cold," and an invigorating one at that, whereas the Bayou City and other parts of Texas got the miserably wet cold. And I am happy to say that despite the ice, blowing snow, and mountainous terrain, we did very well on the way up to God's Country and back. This was due not only to the Rev's skillful driving but to our wonderful 2000 Honda Odyssey mini-van, which made it there and back again with no complaint, getting up to 30 miles per gallon (!), despite the rugged conditions and the fact that it was loaded down with three weeks' worth of food and survival gear (which, fortunately, we didn't have to use).

And we found the people up in the Rockies to be friendly and warm, even in Colorado, where for many good reasons they hate Texans, though they hate Californians even more (but not as much as the people in Montana hate Californians). Having been a Coloradan myself, and then a Texan, and then a Coloradan again before I once more became a Texan, I have experienced Rocky Mountain Texaphobia firsthand. On this trip, I am pleased to say, our Texas license plates didn't attract gunfire, "the finger," or even so much as a sneer, at least not that I could discern.

I've been in Texas most of my life but spent my early years in Wyoming, Montana and Colorado, and they left an imprint that won't go away. Once you have been, as Canadian singer-songwriter Bruce Cockburn put it, "cut by the beauty of jagged mountains," you are scarred for life. There's no hope and no help for it, except to eventually go back to where the mountains are, to where there are real seasons, and where rain smells like rain instead of being infused with that curious fish-and-silver-polish smell it has on the Gulf Coast. And in case you've never been to Montana, let me assure you that it does live up to its name as Big Sky Country; the Rev's pic (above) of a sunrise over an area just outside of Helena only hints at the vastness.

It's not that I wouldn't miss Texas a whole bunch, if I were living back "up there." I'd no doubt miss living in the semi-tropics; I would long for the extended swimming-pool season, and the ability to wear sun dresses and flip-flops almost all year round. Maybe the Rev and I should winter down here and summer up there. (Or, given the sucky winter we've been having down here, maybe we'll winter in Costa Rica, and just do spring and fall here.)

At any rate, I'm officially back now, or at least part of me is, and, furthermore, I'm not finished with making fun of
The Secret – not by a long shot. It's just that there are so many other things to make fun of too. I hardly know where to begin. But seeing as how I just got back from a long car (or van) trip, and just yesterday I received a car-related email from my favorite new-age spam service – talk about synchronicity! – I'll extend the Secretrons' reprieve for a little while longer.

The email in question bore the subject line, "Your Car, Your Sexuality." Well, that's pretty well-trod territory, so I nearly deleted the email without reading it. But then I saw that that the message was actually from Florida psychic Frances Fox, whom I've written about before, and she always has something new to say. So I read on.

"Your car issues are a map to your sexual issues," Frances asserts. And she should know; she has done a whole lot of studying on the matter, and her research goes far beyond the old car-as-phallic symbol stuff. Oh, sure, we're all familiar with the cliché about the middle-aged guy who buys
a $150,000 red sports car named Francine an expensive sports car to compensate for his inadequacies, and then brags nonstop about it on every public forum imaginable. That's old hat. According to Frances, though, it's not just middle-aged men whose "issues" are reflected in their cars. It's all of us. And if we clear our car's aura, we can go a long way towards fixing our issues, whatever they may be.

In her groundbreaking new Flash animation, Frances spells out some of the problems people have with their sexuality, and how those problems are reflected in their cars. Naturally, Frances has just the advice – and the products – to help clear away all of those problems. You owe it to yourself, your car, and your sex partner(s) to follow this link. If you gain nothing else, you will at least learn how to feng shui your car, which is even better, and almost certainly more evolved, than pimping your ride.

Frances Fox, I must say, is a veritable fount of information. In that very same email, I also learned that coconuts are extraordinarily powerful tools for enhancing sexuality, as well as for warding off negative entities. Frances' research has revealed that "coconut has the vibrations of joy and fun. Coconut essence is also good for people who disassociate." It seems the vibes of this hairy tropical fruit are incompatible with negative vibes; negative entities simply cannot occupy the same space as a coconut.

Frances discovered this startling truth while consuming a Coke mixed with Malibu rum, the latter of which has the flavor of coconut, she says. "As I was drinking the rum and Coke, my chest started to feel strange," she writes. At first she thought she was having a heart attack, but the strange feeling passed. This happened repeatedly, till she realized that maybe she had a drinking problem. No, actually she was looking at the label on the bottle of coconut essence that she sells, and it dawned on her that coconut vibes are incompatible with negativity. Apparently she was still carrying some negativity, which happened to be attached to her chest.

My initial thought was that perhaps this was the fault of her plastic surgeon; I understand that Florida is a hotbed of botched boob jobs. But Frances says that the strange feeling was the result of the coconut vibes warring with her negativity vibes. So she now sprays her coconut essence all over her body and in her car to ward off that negativity:
Obviously, I am now using the Flores de Isis Coconut Spray on my body and continue to enjoy coconut every opportunity I get. I am, also, officially adding the Coconut Spray to the kit for house and aura clearing. I now know, from personal experience, that entities have a hard time sharing space with the vibrations of the coconut. And while we’re at it, why don’t we all place a real coconut on our desks, or next to our beds? You can never have too much of a good thing.

Negative entities have a hard time sharing space with the vibrations of the coconut. I am now aware that cultures that believe in negative spirits and exorcisms often use a coconut to flush out bad spirits.
And there's more good news: If there are no coconuts where you live, you can buy a bottle of Coconut Spray directly from Frances. Use it in your car, along with the other products in Frances' special Flower Essences kit, and not only will you clear away all negativity from your chest and other bodily parts, but your sex life will improve dramatically. And your car will love you for it.

It's good to be back.

Wednesday, January 10, 2007

Back to the Whirled

So I guess it’s a bit too late for this to be a Happy New Year post, unless we’re talking about the Chinese, or Lunar, New Year. In that case it would be a little premature, as The Year of the Pig does not officially begin until February 18, 2007.

New Year or not, I’ve been away from this blog too long, and it’s time to get Musing again. My extended absence has been due to a number of factors, not the least of which is that The Rev and I are getting ready to take a road trip to, of all places, Montana. I lived there as a child, but haven’t been that far up North in years. We’re going to Helena next week to meet with a new client. Call us crazy for taking that trip this time of year, but we need to meet with our client now, and we’d much rather drive than fly. (Fortunately, The Rev knows how to drive in snow.)

We’ve also had the usual run of project deadlines and everyday crises. Among the latter was a situation last week with Rex, our 135-pound Rottweiler-Doberman-black lab mix. Rex apparently sustained an injury when making whoopee with one of our other dogs, Layla, a terrier-hound blend. Although Rex was neutered nearly eight years ago, he somehow retained his ability to mate. We haven’t gotten around to having Layla spayed yet, and though we’re careful to keep her away from fertile male dogs whenever she comes into heat, Rex just can’t stay away from her during that time, and vice-versa. When this first started happening a few years ago, our vet said there shouldn’t be any harm in it as long as the dogs didn’t injure each other. Since Rex is "firing blanks," we haven’t had to worry about contributing to the pet overpopulation problem (or over "pupulation" problem, as the case may be). And so for several years, we've let the canine lovers engage in what seemed like nothing more than innocent fun.

But apparently Layla accidentally injured Rex the other day while attempting to…er…disengage, resulting in a painful priapism for the big guy. Of course I realize the term "painful priapism" is a redundancy; all Viagra jokes aside, the condition is no laughing matter in either dog or man. Anyway, after a long sleepless night for all of us, we took Rex to the vet the next day. Fortunately his injury was not permanent, and the vet was able to…how can I put this?…get the car back into the garage, in a manner of speaking. (In fact, that is the very euphemism The Rev used when describing the incident to his "second mom," a sweet Southern belle.) As for the remedy the vet employed, I won’t go into details, but it involved a little water, a lot of sugar, and some…ah…manual labor.

Needless to say, Rex and Layla’s sporting days are over.

And speaking of annoying big pricks that just won’t go away Meanwhile, it’s business as usual in the New Wage world as the self-help gurus continue to help themselves to ever greater riches. So it looks as if I’m going to have another busy year on this blog.

I have, however, done a complete turnaround regarding one of my former favorite targets, The Secret.* A new friend I’d met on another blog sent me a piece that has been making the rounds on the Internet. Described by some as a "cheat sheet on manifestation," this list is a compilation (compiler apparently unknown) of quotations from The Secret DVD. After reading these gems, I realized I have been completely unfair in my judgment of The Secret.** Mea culpa!

And so I feel compelled to share the list with you, Dear Ones. Herewith, everything you need to know about the greatest Secret in the Universe (and by the way, today’s picture was inspired not by the topic just discussed, but by item number 13 on the quotes list):

100 Quotes from "THE SECRET"
1. We all work with one infinite power.
2. The Secret is the Law of Attraction.
3. Whatever is going on in your mind is what you are attracting.
4. We are like magnets - like attract like. You become AND attract what you think.
5. Every thought has a frequency. Thoughts send out a magnetic energy.
6. People think about what they don’t want and attract more of the same.
7. Thought = creation. If these thoughts are attached to powerful emotions (good or bad) that speeds the creation.
8. You attract your dominant thoughts.
9. Those who speak most of illness have illness, those who speak most of prosperity have it ... etc.
10. It’s not "wishful" thinking.
11. You can’t have a universe without the mind entering into it.
12. Choose your thoughts carefully ... you are a masterpiece of your life.
13. It’s OK that thoughts don’t manifest into reality immediately (if we saw a picture of an elephant and it instantly appeared, that would be too soon).
14. EVERYTHING in your life you have attracted ... accept that fact ... it’s true.
15. Your thoughts cause your feelings.
16. We don’t need to complicate all the "reasons" behind our emotions. It’s much simpler than that. Two categories ... good feelings, bad feelings.
17. Thoughts that bring about good feelings mean you are on the right track. Thoughts that bring about bad feelings means you are not on the right track.
18. Whatever it is you are feeling is a perfect reflection of what is in the process of becoming.
19. You get exactly what you are FEELING.
20. Happy feelings will attract more happy circumstances.
21. You can begin feeling whatever you want (even if it’s not there) ... the universe will correspond to the nature of your song.
22. What you focus on with your thought and feeling is what you attract into your experience.
23. What you think and what you feel and what actually manifests is ALWAYS a match - no exception.
24. Shift your awareness.
25. "You create your own universe as you go along." (Winston Churchill)
26. It’s important to feel good ( ( ( (((good))) ) ) )
27. You can change your emotion immediately ... by thinking of something joyful, or singing a song, or remembering a happy experience.
28. When you get the hang of this, before you know it you will KNOW you are the creator.
29. Life can and should be phenomenal ... and it will be when you consciously apply the Law of Attraction.
30. Universe will re-arrange itself accordingly.
31. Start by using this sentence for all of your wants: "I’m so happy and grateful now that ..."
32. You don’t need to know HOW the universe is going to rearrange itself.
33. The Law of Attraction is simply figuring out for yourself what will generate the positive feelings of having it NOW.
34. You might get an inspired thought or idea to help you move towards what you want faster.
35. The universe likes SPEED. Don’t delay, don’t second-guess, don’t doubt.
36. When the opportunity or impulse is there ... ACT.
37. You will attract everything you require - money, people, connections ... PAY ATTENTION to what’s being set in front of you.
38. You can start with nothing ... and out of nothing or no way - a WAY will be provided.
39. HOW LONG? No rules on time ... the more aligned you are with positive feelings the quicker things happen.
40. Size is nothing to the universe (unlimited abundance if that’s what you wish). We make the rules on size and time.
41. No rules according to the universe ... you provide the feelings of having it now and the universe will respond.
42. Most people offer the majority of their thought in response to what they are observing (bills in the mail, being late, having bad luck ... etc.).
43. You have to find a different approach to "what is" through a different vantage point.
44. "All that we are is a result of what we have thought." (Buddha)
45. What can you do right now to turn your life around? Gratitude.
46. Gratitude will bring more into our lives immediately.
47. What we think about and THANK about is what we bring about.
48. What are the things you are grateful for? Feel the gratitude ... focus on what you have right now that you are grateful for.
49. Play the picture in your mind - focus on the end result.
50. VISUALIZE! Rehearse your future.
51. VISUALIZE! See it, feel it! This is where action begins.
52. Feel the joy ... feel the happiness!
53. An affirmative thought is 100 times more powerful than a negative one.
54. "What this power is, I cannot say. All I know is that it exists." (Alexander Graham Bell)
55. Our job is not to worry about the "How". The "How" will show up out of the commitment and belief in the "What."
56. The "Hows" are the domain of the universe. It always knows the quickest, fastest, most harmonious way between you and your dream.
57. If you turn it over to the universe, you will be surprised and dazzled by what is delivered ... this is where magic and miracles happen.
58. Turn it over to the universe daily ... but it should never be a chore.
59. Feel exhilarated by the whole process ... high, happy, in tune.
60. The only difference between people who are really living this way is they have habituated ways of being.
61. They remember to do it all the time.
62. Create a Vision Board ... pictures of what you want to attract ... every day look at it and get into the feeling state of already having acquired these wants.
63. "Imagination is everything. It is the preview of life’s coming attractions." (Albert Einstein)
64. Decide what you want ... believe you can have it, believe you deserve it, believe it’s possible for you.
65. Close your eyes and visualize having what you already want - and the feeling of having it already.
66. Focus on being grateful for what you have already ... enjoy it! Then release it into the universe. The universe will manifest it.
67. "Whatever the mind of man can conceive, it can achieve." (W. Clement Stone)
68. Set a goal so big that if you achieved it, it would blow your mind.
69. When you have an inspired thought, you must trust it and act on it.
70. How can you become more prosperous? INTEND IT!
71. "Checks are coming in the mail regularly" ... or change your bank statement to whatever balance you want in there ... and get behind the feeling of having it.
72. Life is meant to be abundant in ALL areas.
73. Go for the sense of inner joy and peace--then all outside things appear.
74. We are the creators of our universe.
75. Relationships: Treat yourself the way you want to be treated by others ... love yourself and you will be loved.
76. Have healthy respect for yourself.
77. For those you work with or interact with regularly ... get a notebook and write down positive aspects of each of those people.
78. Write down the things you like most about them (don’t expect change from them). The Law of Attraction will not put you in the same space together if your frequencies don’t match.
79. When you realize your potential to feel good, you will ask no one to be different in order for you to feel good.
80. You will free yourself from the cumbersome impossibilities of needing to control the world, your friends, your mate, your children ...
81. You are the only one that creates your reality.
82. No one else can think or feel for you ... its YOU ... ONLY YOU.
83. Health: thank the universe for your own healing. Laugh, stress free happiness will keep you healthy.
84. Your immune system will heal itself and your body.
85. Parts of our bodies are replaced every day, every week ... etc. Within a few years we have a brand new body.
86. See yourself living in a new body. Hopeful = recovery. Happy = happier biochemistry. Stress degrades the body.
87. Remove stress from the body and the body regenerates itself. You can heal yourself.
88. Learn to become still ... and take your attention away from what you don’t want, and place your attention on what you wish to experience.
89. When the voice and vision on the inside become more profound and clear than the opinions on the outside, then you have mastered your life.
90. You are not here to try to get the world to be just as you want it. You are here to create the world around you that you choose.
91. And allow the world as others choose to see it, to exist as well.
92. People think that if everyone knows the power of the Law of Attraction there won’t be enough to go around. This is a lie that’s been ingrained in us and makes so many greedy.
93. The truth is there is more than enough love, creative ideas, power, joy, happiness to go around.
94. All of this abundance begins to shine through a mind that is aware of it’s own infinite nature. There’s enough for everyone. See it. Believe it. It will show up for you.
95. So let the variety of your reality thrill you as you choose all the things you want and get behind the good feelings of all your wants.
96. Write your script. When you see things you don’t want, don’t think about them, write about them, talk about them, push against them, or join groups that focus on them ... remove your attention from don’t wants ... and instead place them on DO wants.
97. We are mass energy. Everything is energy. EVERYTHING.
98. Don’t define yourself by your body ... it’s the infinite being that’s connected to everything in the universe.
99. One energy field. Our bodies have distracted us from our energy. We are the infinite field of unfolding possibilities. The creative force.
100. Are your thoughts worthy of you? If not - NOW is the time to change them. You can begin right where you are right now. Nothing matters but this moment and what you are focusing your attention on.

There you have it – all the wisdom you’ll ever need. My thanks to J for alerting me to this list.

Now, y’all get out there and manifest something, ya hear?

* Okay, not really.
** In that The Secret is, quite possibly, even more absurd than I had previously thought.