Whirled Musings

Across the Universe with Cosmic Connie, aka Connie L. Schmidt...or maybe just through the dung-filled streets and murky swamps of pop culture -- more specifically, the New-Age/New-Wage crowd, pop spirituality & religion, pop psychology, self(ish)-help, business babble, media silliness, & related (or occasionally unrelated) matters of consequence. Hope you're wearing boots. (By the way, the "Cosmic" bit in my moniker is IRONIC.)

Friday, September 21, 2007

It’s the end of the week as we know it, and I feel…snarky

Before I go any further, I want to say happy birthday to Leonard Cohen, one of my favorite songwriters and poets, who turns 73 today. This is at least marginally relevant to my blog, for on numerous occasions, including in a 1973 poem, Cohen has alluded to "the flabby liars of the Aquarian age." He has sometimes used this reference during concerts, when introducing his song, "There Is A War."

For example, there’s this, from a concert in Boston on July 16, 1993:

About a thousand years ago, there was this brief period of about 11 or 12 minutes, that is now referred to as the sixties, a hated time, an intoxicating time. I enjoyed myself thoroughly for five or six minutes. It has become a kind of black hole in the sociological cosmos, a kind of Bermuda Triangle, into which all the noblest and worthwhile ideas disappeared forever. A seductive moment; however, being the gloomy chap that you know me to be, I was able to resist it. I think it was back in 1971 when it reached its most acute phase; it was then that I was inspired to write this mournful and bitter ditty in response to all the flabby liars of the Aquarian Age.
That was similar to the remarks he'd made at the Austin City Limits studio on July 12, 1993 (the day after a wonderful concert of his that I had attended at a charming outdoor venue called The Back Yard):

About a thousand years ago there was a very brief period of time that is now referred to as the 60's, [the] last eleven or twelve minutes before the hustlers and hoaxers poured in. And it has become a kind of "black hole" in the national Cosmos into which…all the noblest and fiercest aspirations of a generation sunk and disappeared in a kind of Bermuda Triangle of Idealism. And this is the song that I wrote many, many years ago when I refuse(d) that seductive invitation to join in a general celebration of another silly idea.

Happy birthday, Leonard!

Which leads us right to today’s snipes. Or perhaps they are more accurately described as dog turds…

Portrait of the blogger as a female dog
Turns out I am the "bitch in the blog hut" in the counter-fable that showed up in the "comments" to my pal Blair Warren's
"Mr. Amazing and His Magic Rocks" fable. The counter-fable is comment number 17. I remarked to The Rev yesterday that I was really sort of flattered, because I’ve never been in a fable before.

"Well, you can’t say that any more," he replied. "You – yes, you! – are a main character in one of Isuck’s Fables."

It’s really quite an honor.

I’m still trying to decipher all of the elaborate symbolism in counter-fable. What, for example, do the "chili peppers" really represent? And if I’m the bitch, who’s the dog? I do understand some of the allusions, of course. For example, as I noted in my previous post, Blair himself is the "persuader of men." And I think I might even understand the reference to making "many turds in LOA followers gardens," since a few of us have had some fun with a site called NetDisaster (though I prefer the cow turds, myself).

But I am still trying to figure out the meaning of those chili peppers. And there are numerous other puzzlements. In fact, given the obscurity of much of the fable, there is a good possibility the fabulist is a far deeper thinker than I. That’s why I can’t entirely agree with another pal of mine who said the counter-fable reads like a combination of the prophecies of Nostradamus and the ramblings of a crackhead. I think more studying is in order so that we all might reach a greater understanding.

The SuckeR Club is officially launched
Dear Ones, it has gone beyond fireworks now. The teaser for the new and improved
Science Of Getting Rich program has given way to the big introduction. And it is big. And long. But apparently only one man can apply to the program, and all of the other open slots are for women only. At least that’s what is implied in the opening blurb, introducing the star of the show:

LADIES AND GENTLEMAN,
MR. BOB PROCTOR

That would be our Scientist Bob, who, along with Zormak Beckwith and Chicken Soup Canfield, is one of the Three Amigos from The Secret – three guys whose most abiding passion is to help you create wealth for them beyond their wildest dreams. But again, if you’re a man, hurry up, 'cos there only seems to be one slot open. It’ll be just you and all those women on the Ship Of Fools. Woo-hoo (with an emphasis on "Woo")!

Anyhoo, here’s the link to the SGR Introduction. (Once again, it’s full-screen video, and you have to press your "Escape" key to get out.)

Are you excited yet?

Hustledorks come in all stripes
Sometimes we forget that the New Wage comprises more than your run-of-the-mill chakra-balancing, pseudo-Buddhist, Secret-loving, Ascension-focused, conspicuously enlightened seekers. Much as many followers of Jesus are loath to admit it, a lot of the New-Wage mindset has crept into certain factions of contemporary Christianity. Combine Christianity with prosperity thinking, and you have, for example,
Joel Osteen and his New-Wage Christian congregation at Lakewood Church in Houston.

But Osteen and his followers are really just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to prosperity-oriented Christians, as I was reminded yesterday when I came across a blog by a young Christian entrepreneur named Albert Surovik. Albert wants you to be everything God created you to be! And when you look at his sincere smile, how can you doubt it? I learned from Albert that the American economy is so healthy now because of Jesus H. Christ Himself. And you probably thought it was the Law Of Attraction, or all of the Ho’oponopono cleaning and the tapping you’ve been doing.

Interestingly, I found Albert’s blog through a link that appeared on Joe Vitale’s blog. But, I hasten to add, Joe didn’t have anything to do with it. This was the doing of the blog syndication network BlogRush, "the fastest and easiest way to instantly drive a flood of targeted readers to your blog…absolutely free!" Joe’s site is apparently set up with BlogRush.

When I went to Albert’s blog, I saw he was set up with BlogRush too. On his page I found several links to posts on various blogs, and the majority of them seemed somewhat Christian-related. And then there was one that said, "I’m a girl. Me suck you," or something like that.

I did not follow that link. I don't think Albert would approve.

Tilak has a defender
Finally, Sri Lankan clown mystic Tilak,
former boyfriend of Secret creator and producer Rhonda Byrne, has a defender who sent a comment to my blog. Here’s the link to the post where her comment appears. At least this Tilak defender was civil, unlike most of the others I’ve heard from. I did suggest to her, however, that she might consider the possibility that her one experience with Tilak, which took place over two decades ago, might not be the whole story.

Well, that’s it for now. I’m going to go out in the back yard and roll in something foul, and then I’m going to come back in and dive face-first into a pile of work. See y’all next time!

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Wednesday, September 19, 2007

Scientist Bob about to get even richer!


I am so excited, Dear Ones, that I can hardly contain myself. My new friend Dennis, who has been keeping an eye on Scientist Bob Proctor, noted quantum physics expert and wealth guru, has alerted me to the fact that we have a launch date for the new and improved Science Of Getting Rich (SGR) program. That date is tomorrow (or today already, in some parts of the world): Thursday, September 20, 2007. It all starts at 7:00 PM Eastern Time (New York City time).


Dennis initiated quite an interesting discussion on one of my recent blog posts about Scientist Bob. And part of that discussion is based on another discussion that appears on, of all places, a pro-
Secret blog, TheSecretNotes.com. That exchange originally began in March of this year, shortly after the SGR program was first introduced by Scientist Bob and two other Secret Stars: Chicken Soup For The Soul co-perpetrator Jack Canfield, and the Reverend Michael Beckwith, aka Zormak. I called them the Three Amigos.

Early on, Beckwith removed himself from SGR, and it was just the Two Amigos. But in fact it mainly seemed to be just One Amigo, Scientist Bob. Busy Bob was also involved in some money-making schemes with beleaguered Aussie Secret star David Schirmer.

Regarding Beckwith's apparent disavowal of SGR, the SecretNotes blogger, Cathy Lane, issued a plea to Beckwith not to go, but to stay with the program and help people realize their wildest dreams. Several folks chimed in with the opinion that Beckwith had bowed to pressure from religious factions, including his own church, because, of course, those stuffy religious people are always equating wealth with evil. My take on it was that maybe Zormak had an attack of conscience.

In any case, the point is moot, because he's back on board the SGR boat (literally; more on that in a moment). And his smiling face appears on the new SGR teaser along with Scientist Bob's goofy smile and Chicken Soup Canfield's s--t-eating grin. Also on that teaser are lots of fireworks, a vault full of gold, more fireworks, some dancing business-geeks with briefcases, and more fireworks. And you get to listen to some annoying music all the while. Oh, and did I mention fireworks? Yep, there are fireworks aplenty, which to me is incontrovertible proof that SGR is a very exciting program. But don't take my word for it; see for yourself. Here's the link. (Warning: It takes a while to download. Also, it's a full-screen video, but you can always get out of it by hitting your "Escape" key.)

By the way, on the blog post where Dennis initiated the discussion, I called for testimonials from regular ordinary everyday people who have gotten rich through the Science Of Getting Rich program. And I'm not talking about Scientist Bob or his son Brian (who will be accompanying Bob, et al. on the Ship Of Fools cruise next month. Zormak...er...Beckwith will be there too, leading daily meditations). Nor am I talking about the top affiliates or anyone else in the "inner circle." I surely don't mind hearing from them, but the people I'd really love to hear from are the average ordinary Joes and Josephines who made a bundle from SGR, or who in some other way realized their wildest dreams via SGR (beyond getting a free leather briefcase made in China).

So far I have received one comment from "the other side." It was from a guy named Mike who appears to be associated with the SGR inner circle. Mike took Dennis to task for claiming that some testimonials were fake, and... well, you can read the discussion for yourself.

I especially encourage you to read the discussion on the SecretNotes.com blog. What I found particularly interesting was a comment from a person named Steve, who also appears to be an SGR insider. He had this to say to people, particularly one named Andrew, who had expressed doubts and disappointments regarding the (original) SGR program:
"From what i understand Andrew, you are attempting to illuminate on some ways the SGR program at launch was illegal and that certain information was withheld etc. You say that you are genuinely concerned for the investment that people have laid out or will lay out for the SGR program. As well as your continued FOCUS on mistakes that were made initially at launch of the SGR program.
Anyways, ENOUGH, on what you have said, it’s all in the past NOW. i would suggest that if you really wish to be a benefit to man-womankind then please use your power of FOCUS to be in the moment of NOW and direct that FOCUS to what it is you WANT, not on what on the lack or by judging others. Not only have you done a disservice to anyone involved or that would like to be involved in the SGR program, but you have missed the boat entirely with what the ‘law of attraction’ is all about! FOCUS on what it is you want, not on the lack of it. And most importantly, FOCUS that power in the present moment, not on PAST events.

It is a universal fact that to have change in your life presently you need to FOCUS on what it is you would like and have clarity and deep emotion and feelings on those thoughts, NOT on what is presently in your FOCUS. From what i have seen, you have used your power to FOCUS on past events that you say people should be aware of about the SGR program. Imagine if someone kept focusing on Edison’s first few attempts at making the light bulb stating how they failed etc. Any business venture will have continuous changes to it as that venture is progressed through time. To FOCUS on initial changes is insane and can only get you what it is you are FOCUSING on."
As I remarked to Dennis in my own "comments" section, "Spoken like a true New-Wager." In other words, Don't FOCUS on how we screwed you over in the past; FOCUS on the exciting new chances for us to screw you over in the future. (Of course if you get screwed over it's your fault, because you FOCUSED on how you got screwed over in the past.)

It also helps to bring dead geniuses who cannot defend themselves – Edison, Einstein, Newton, et al. – into the discussion.

But the main point is that, as Dennis has pointed out, these are exciting times. Scientist Bob and his friends have a chance to get even wealthier than they already are. And I think we should all be deeply grateful.

PS - This is kind of off the subject, but I am still trying to figure out if I am the "bitch in the blog hut" mentioned in a recent fable. Actually it was a counter-fable to Blair Warren's delightful parable about Mr. Amazing and his magic rocks. A person who is apparently disgruntled with Blair's opinions about The Secret submitted a fable of his own to Blair's blog (see comment number 17). It's pretty easy to figure out that Blair himself is the "persuader of men." And, narcissist that I am, I immediately thought I was the one-eyed bitch (the "one-eyed" part being a reference, perhaps, to the author pic on my Wrath Of The Secretrons article). Blair suggested the possibility that I might not be the bitch that the counter-fabulist had in mind. But how can it be otherwise?

After all, I'm a narcissist, and no matter what it is... it's all about me.

Woof!

PS ~ Apropos of the Secret Seal pictured above... If you're interested in learning all about the Law Of Extraction, an ancient scientific secret, click here.

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Tuesday, September 11, 2007

If it’s Tuesday, this must be Snipe Day


Actually, any day that ends in "y" is a snipe day here at Whirled Musings. But I had to think of a title for this post, so there you are. In case you are too young to understand the reference (or in case you did too many, or not enough, drugs in your youth and mucked up your memory), here it is.

Okay, on to the important issues of the day.

Everyone knows it’s windy
As you probably know if you’ve been hanging around on my Whirled for a while, there is a Florida lady named Lynn Marks, aka the Spirit Diva, who
channels messages from hurricanes. She has spoken to such well-known hurricanes as Rita and Wilma in 2005, and has been in close communication with the MVP’s in this hurricane season. Lynn says we should all try to understand hurricanes, which are actually kindhearted beings who just need some love. Lynn has learned that they really don’t mean to hurt us; in fact, they’re here to teach us. Even though most of the storms she’s talked to have caused loss of lives and property, Lynn believes that the hurricane meditations she leads – as well as the efforts of other hurricane communicators – have helped prevent the storms from inflicting even more damage.

And I think we should all be profoundly grateful. But wouldn’t you know it – some people are just never satisfied. Lynn and her friends have done their work so well that Tropical Storm Gabrielle (the 2007 version; there have been other Gabrielles) couldn’t even organize herself into a hurricane. You’d think that the folks in the Carolinas would be thankful for Gabrielle's ditziness and lack of organization. But noooooooo….now they’re griping because much of North Carolina is in a drought, and they could use a little bit of rain. They were sort of hoping Gabrielle would oblige – not flood them or kill them or anything like that, but just water their plants.

But Gabby was, for the most part, a major disappointment. According to an AP story by Mike Baker, "Other than some inconvenient wind, road flooding and a bit of welcome rain, Gabrielle left tourists and surfers largely unimpressed." So I suppose that people are going to be blaming the Hurricane Diva.

Sigh… Lynn just can’t win.

Doctoring up your credibility
Last spring (or fall, if you live in That Other Hemisphere) I wrote about how excited I was regarding
the prospect of obtaining some advanced phony degrees in order to increase my credibility. Well, as usual, I sat on my butt for several months and did nothing about it. I was too busy with my day job and other matters of consequence. Now here it is, almost fall (or spring, for you Other-Hemispherians), and darn, I’m still un-doctorated.

Part of the problem is that there are just so many choices facing the person in search of a made-up education. There’s such an amazing variety of programs and price ranges that it is easy to get overwhelmed.

Yet there’s no denying that an advanced degree or two pays untold dividends, credibility-wise. And that very often means money in the bank for you. In short, why just be Mr. (or Ms.) Amazing when you could be Dr. Amazing?

There are several ways to go about getting your advanced degree. If you are thinking of bilking people making money in the burgeoning New-Wage industry, you could obtain a degree or two from a prestigious metaphysical diploma mill University. In my March blog post I discussed several of these, but I failed to mention one of the original and absolutely most prestigious Meta-U’s, The University Of Metaphysics in Sedona, Arizona.

This is a highly regarded University that counts among its recent graduates "Dr." Della Reese-Lett. The University of Metaphysics web site describes her as "A Doctoral Degree Graduate Of Our University System Honored With A Lifetime Achievement Award For Her Contributions To The Spirituality Of The Planet by Conducting Her own Ministry Of Many Years, While Contributing Through Such Roles As Touched By An Angel."

Some of the doctoral degrees offered at The University of Metaphysics are:

• Doctor of Metaphysical Science, Msc.D. Good for anyone who wishes to deal with all areas of Metaphysics, i.e. teaching, counseling, healing, and ministry.
• Doctor of Metaphysical Counseling, Mc.D. Good for anyone wishing to concentrate on one-to-one counseling from a metaphysical viewpoint.
• Doctor of Ministry, D.Min. Good for anyone wishing to be a minister conducting his/her ministry more in a church-type setting. Specialties are available in various aspects of ministry and are noted on the degree. Choices include New Thought Ministry, Holistic Counseling Ministry, Pastoral Counseling and Holistic Ministry.
• Doctor of Divinity, D.D. Good for anyone who wishes to do a great deal of spiritual teaching. Specialties are available in Pastoral Counseling or Spiritual Healing.
• Doctor of Holistic Ministry, Mh.D.® Good for anyone who wishes to have a more holistic oriented ministry emphasizing the whole person and health-based on a blending of body, mind, and Spirit.
• Metaphysical Hypnosis, Mhyp.D.® Good for anyone who wishes to specialize in teaching self-hypnotic techniques as a means of reprogramming positive spiritual truth and as a method of release into higher meditational consciousness. The awarding of this degree does not give one the legal right to practice hypnotherapy—but rather a person with ministerial ordination that specializes in doing pastoral educational counseling or teaching in the spiritual uses of selfhypnotic practices. A cassette tape of hypnotic induction for self-hypnotic conditioning should be submitted with the Doctoral Dissertation.
• Metaphysical Psychology, Mpsy.D.® Good for anyone specializing in educational counseling, teaching, writing and ministry on how to apply higher metaphysical spiritual truth to improve life, love, success and happiness. The awarding of this degree does not give one the right to practice as a psychologist, but rather signifies a person with ministerial standing versed in the psychology of metaphysically oriented pastoral counseling.
Biblical Interpretation, D.D. Good for anyone who wishes to specialize in teaching and writing about penetrating the symbolism of The Bible to uncover spiritual truths for spiritual reawakening and life improvement.

And so on. You’ll note that several of the credentials are registered trademarks of the University of Metaphysics. To paraphrase something I remember reading on someone else’s blog (I wish I could remember whose), nothing says "credibility" like a degree followed by an ® sign!

At any rate, I’m sure you’ll agree that the University of Metaphysics has a pretty impressive doctoral program.

"But, Cosmic Connie," you may be saying, "I heard that The University of Metaphysics is not accredited!"

To which I reply, "Accredited, schmaccredited! Accreditation is just an arbitrary tool employed by the mainstream establishment. It has nothing to do with Truth, which, after all, is what Metaphysics is all about."

To which you might respond, "Then why even bother with that whole ‘doctorate’ affectation, which is part and parcel of the oppressive mainstream-education bias?"

And I would answer, "Because, let’s face it, if you put ‘Dr.’ before your name, people are impressed. They think you know a bunch of stuff. And they are more likely to give you money."

How can you argue with that? Money is money, whether it comes from a member of the stuffy mainstream establishment or the far more open-minded New-Wage realm.

And if you are persuasive enough, very few people are going to check out your credentials before they hand over their hard-earned money to you.

I should caution you about some apparent disadvantages to matriculating at the prestigious University of Metaphysics. For example, at about $4,500.00 the cost for a doctorate may be a little out of your budget, although the University is offering a scholarship of sorts through September 15. And there is another possible drawback, which I discovered after many minutes of perusing the site: it appears that in order to acquire your doctorate you might have to do some actual "studying" and even write a "dissertation." In other words, it might take a little more than a valid credit card number and a few mouse clicks.

If actual studying and dissertating are not your bottle of Blue Solar Water, I suppose you could simply start calling yourself "Dr." Whoever, and probably very few of your marks would question it. But at some point your conscience (remember that?) might start to get the better of you. Or there might even come a time when some person of little faith will question your credentials. If you're outstandingly rich and famous, you can thumb your nose at such questions, as did Mars-and-Venus guru "Dr." John Gray a few years ago. But snootiness simply doesn't work for most people, and may turn your audience off. That's why you would be well advised to have an authentic fake degree, and some genuine phony documents to back it up.

Well, I’ve found an online University that offers advanced degrees and documentation – including "transcripts" – for a very reasonable price. And it's not just limited to metaphysics. Even better, this one is accredited, at least by a couple of organizations that accredit online Universities that offer advanced degrees for a very reasonable price.

The institution of higher earning I have in mind is Belford University, where you can get everything from a high school diploma to a doctorate based upon your life experience. For example, if you believe you have sufficient life experience to qualify for a doctorate in something or other, you can purchase it for only $549.00 US from Belford. Here’s what it says on the web site:

Students seeking admission in our online Doctorate degree program are required to have at least 8 years of work or life experience relevant to their desired major. For those students who do not have enough experience, Belford University provides the flexibility to submit a Doctoral Thesis relevant to the major they are interested in.

If you want to get your PHD degree online on the basis of prior life experience, the eligibility requirements for a Doctorate degree may be satisfied in any of the following ways:

• Prior job experience in any field
• Previous educational achievements
• Employer-sponsored training and attendance of workshops
• Participation in organizations, both professional and non-professional
• Personal goals, lifestyle, hobbies, and travel
• Participation in volunteer activities and community service
• Independent reading, viewing, listening or writing

If you have the required work or life experience, click below to apply for a work experience college degree in your desired major and get it in just 7 days!

The complete doctorate degree package costs only $549 with free shipping.

The package includes the following documents:

•1 Original Accredited Life Degree
•2 Original Transcripts
•1 Award of Excellence
•1 Certificate of Distinction
•1 Certificate of Membership
• 4 Education Verification Letters

If you don’t have enough life experience to qualify for a doctorate, you can also submit a doctoral thesis. But they make it easy for you to do so. And I sort of have a feeling that they grade on a curve, if you know what I mean.

So, provided you have at least eight years experience in something – and a valid credit card that is not maxed out – there really is no reason not to have a Ph.D. or two any more. In fact, I am willing to bet that you don’t even have to be a human to get your degree, as long as you are attached to a human who has a usable credit card. You know what I’m thinking, don’t you? That’s right: I’m thinking that Rex The Farting Dog, the 135-pound Rottweiler/Doberman/Black Lab mix who allows the Rev and me to share his home, could qualify for a doctorate in Methane Gas Production. This is provided that Belford offers one – but I have a sneaking feeling they will award just about any sort of doctorate if you have $549.00.

I believe Rex would qualify for his doctorate based on life experience alone. He is a little over eight years old and has been actively producing all of his life. If he doesn’t qualify based on experience, however, I will gladly help him with his dissertation, just for the added prestige it will bring to our business. At the very least, I am thinking that with my help he can get his Barkalaureate Degree.

Meanwhile, of course, I’ll also be busily purchasing a doctorate or two for myself and the Rev, and then we’ll be set. With our new degrees, we will be even more impressive than ever, and we can raise our ghostwriting, editing and book design fees accordingly. I’m already planning the promotional campaign:

Reverend Dr. Ron and Dr. Connie…
So smart that even their dog has a degree.

All bottled up
Speaking of Blue Solar Water, if you’ve been making it and drinking it, but you still haven’t seen any positive effects, maybe you need to fall back on the teachings of "Dr. Water" himself,
Masaru Emoto, author of several books about water and the things it has to say to us. I recently received a message from my favorite email spam service, advertising a company called Bottles of H.O.P.E. The acronym stands for Heal Our Planet Earth. Catchy, huh?

Bottles of H.O.P.E. has created a series of designer water bottles inspired by Dr. Emoto’s research (which, as you may recall, got the What The Bleep folks so fired up). These bottles work on the same principle as the Water Blessing Labels I’ve written about previously.

Dr. Masaru Emoto's research demonstrates that water is affected by the energetic frequency of words, thoughts, music and prayers. In fact, when water was exposed to words carrying positive energies contained in such words as Love, Peace, and Gratitude, the water — when frozen — formed beautiful crystals. By contrast, when it was exposed to negative words either no crystals were able to form or — if they did — they were deformed and misshapen. This result strongly suggests that all water is affected by both positive and negative thoughts and words as well as by music and prayers. Since our bodies are made up of 70% water, this suggests that our bodies are also physically affected by the kinds of words, thoughts, music and prayers they have been exposed to.

The Bottles of H.O.P.E. are only $12.00 each, and each one bears a powerful word that will impart good vibes to your water, and then, according to the web site, you can fill your body with the frequency of whichever words you’ve chosen. Among them are words such as "Peace," "Love," "Truth," and "Dolphin."

Dolphin?!? Yes, and here’s why, according to the Bottles of H.O.P.E. web site:

Many people ask me "Why Dolphin?" Everyone loves Dolphins and I do not know anyone who does not immediately smile when they see a Dolphin or even a picture of a Dolphin. By seeing a Dolphin they make us feel good. Dolphins live in close family groups, communities called pods. They take time out every day to Play, Love each other and live in complete Joy. They also live in complete Flow with their environment and are surrounded by Abundance. To drink your water out of a bottle with Dolphin on it is to energize your water to the frequency of Play, Love, Joy, Family, Community, Flow and Abundance all in one bottle!

It really pains me to have to rain on the dolphin-lovers’ parade, but I feel obligated to remind y'all, once again, that dolphins hate humans. So do whales. And I have scientific proof.

So maybe it would be better to stay away from the Dolphin bottle, unless you want to learn to hate yourself – in which case, go for it!

And that’s it for this Tuesday's snipefest. I’d probably better get back to work. See you next time!

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Sunday, September 09, 2007

The Science of Getting Other People Rich

A fellow named Dennis who was once a fan of the hit New-Wage infomercial The Secret has made a comment on one of my older posts, sharing his experiences and observations regarding a program offered by Secret stars Bob Proctor, Jack Canfield, and Michael Beckwith, The Science of Getting Rich. You might remember that program -- the infamous SGR briefcase scam -- which costs nearly $2,000.00 US to enter. Here's the link to the post and the comments; scroll down to the second remark by Dennis.

Naturally, I am willing to hear from "the other side," including and especially anyone who actually got wealthy by investing in the SGR briefcase program. I am looking forward to being overwhelmed with responses from new briefcase-toting SGR millionaires.

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Dreaming-Bear speaks of Burning Man, fails to mention Hanging Man

The desert must surely be among the cruelest of places in which to be abandoned, with the unrelenting sun beating down upon tender flesh, searing the heart, inflaming the very soul.

"What am I doing here?" the half-naked* man asked himself again and again, but the unforgiving sun did not reply, nor did it ease up on its relentless assault. Merciful night, with its cold reflected light and its billion burning stars, was still many hours away.

Oh, the anguish. Oh, the (in)humanity!

"I, a boy from Maui, used to the rain forests…what am I doing in this desert, burning my butt off?" the man cried out.

I could have answered that question, had I been in that desert, which, thankfully, I was not. I would no doubt have pointed out to the "boy from Maui" that he had chosen to be at Burning Man, along with nearly fifty thousand other hedonistic, self-infatuated SNAGs** and SNAG-ettes, all engaged in various forms of "radical self-expression."

And while I was at it, I would have mentioned that Dreaming-Bear Kanaan, Whirled-class pseudo-mystic, ersatz American Indian, phony Poetry Man, and genuine poseur, is not technically from Maui, having lived all over the U.S. and in other parts of the world – according to his bio information, anyway. Maui, that enchanted island, is merely his current home base. But accuracy doesn’t matter when it comes to any tale told by Dreaming-Bear, who is so authentically, sincerely phony that he is perhaps best described as a New-Wage lounge lizard – a contemporary pseudo-spiritual version of Nick The Lounge Singer, Bill Murray’s character from a long-ago era on Saturday Night Live. The main difference between him and Nick is that D-B mostly talks (more melodiously than Nick sings; I will give him that), and usually wears a white towel or a loincloth, if that much, instead of a leisure suit. And whereas Nick played to smoke-filled rooms, the smoke most often present at a D-B performance is that which he blows up the apertures of his devoted audiences as he attempts to "kiss them into consciousness."

Still, Dreaming-Bear’s desert drama makes a pretty good made-up story. In any case, our tattooed lounge lizard survived that arid hell and slithered back to his regularly scheduled monologue "Teleseminar Communion" this past week, apparently even more in love with himself than ever. He might have burned his butt off in the desert, but he grew a brand-new tale in the process. And he gladly shared it all with listeners of his weekly "Communion," which is hosted on Wednesday evenings (9pm EST / 6pm PST/ 3pm HST) by a New-Wage clearinghouse/crap processor called Blue Diamond Pachamama.

Burning Man is an annual eight-day festival that takes place in a makeshift city in Nevada’s Black Rock Desert. The event is most famous for art and nudity, making it the sort of affair that you could no more keep Dreaming-Bear away from than I can keep my dachshund away from the Kitty McNuggets in the cat boxes.

Some call Burning Man a peaceful celebration of music and art and other forms of self-expression. Some call it a cult. Call it what you will, but it definitely does not seem like my idea of a good time, for the very reason that suffering, in one way or another, seems to be part of the experience. Yet that suffering is, for the most part, something deliberately chosen, a mortification of the flesh or spirit in order to reach some greater level of enlightenment, or at least the illusion thereof.

And so our hero Dreaming-Bear ventured into the desert to suffer, to be naked, and to inflict his art on others. After his week of anguish, he returned to his virtual throne on September 5, attended to by several doting female fans.

The September 5 program was the first D-B Teleseminar Communion that I have actually listened to in its entirety, and I did so for a very specific reason. I wanted to see if D-B had any words of wisdom or comfort to share about a tragic event that took place at this year’s festival. So I clicked the link, sat back, and listened. To spare you having to suffer through the program yourself, I will give you a rundown.

It begins with an intro from Blue Diamond Pachamama’s Linda Pannell, who describes D-B as "inspiration and passion personified." Linda is a faithful keeper of the D-B mythos, explaining that he is "of Cherokee and Palestinian descent; raised in both worlds."

Right off the bat Dreaming-Bear alludes to the torment he endured at Burning Man, describing it as "seven days of sheer, absolute desert-like conditions…I was challenged on every level." Yet, he reveals, it was through this egregious suffering that he rediscovered "the same amazing truth that has come to every soul from Moses to Michael Jackson." And you just know that he is prepared to elaborate upon that truth at great length.

But first, the poetry – the invocation, the call to worship. D-B proceeds to recite an original poem inspired by "my experience of absolute anguish on the desert floor, wondering why I had been abandoned." The name of the poem is, "There is no cure in this insane love game" – not to be confused with "Ain’t No Cure For Love," penned by real poet Leonard Cohen.

The poem over, he holds forth on the meaning of Burning Man, which he says is all about passion and rebirth. And he’s off and running with a mix of metaphors about flames and the desert and the Phoenix – and, of course, passion – whipping it all into a frothy foam. The verbal effluvium spills out over his adoring female listeners, who can be heard in the background purring, mewing, and occasionally giggling. D-B does not speak so much as he spews – the verbal equivalent of projectile vomiting. (He’s not the only one who knows how to overdo it with the metaphors, you know.) I must warn you, though, that if you follow the link to this Teleseminar, prolonged listening may result in projectile vomiting of your own.

D-B reveals many things about his favorite subject: himself. At one point he says he is not comfortable with being labeled an actor; he would rather be thought of as "an authentic being." He prefers to think of himself not as being "onstage" but rather as being "in a center of authenticity." He claims not to care about what others think of him, and suggests that we should all be similarly immune to the world’s judgment. "I’ve come to the place where I am no longer apologetic for who or what I am…We can never apologize for being beautiful… we can never kowtow to people who can’t appreciate beauty…" (Later in the program he humbly admits to being "the most imperfect person on the planet! I had to say that to myself over and over this last week!")

In short order he’s back to his metaphors of fire and flame, explaining that the purpose of his excess verbiage is to awaken the Divine in his listeners. "I am nudging, ever so gently, those fires… I am stoking those holy coals…" He speaks of reaching a point at which "passion takes on a quantum meaning." (You don’t think any New-Wage lounge lizard worth his pretentious indigenous bangles and beads would fail to mention the word "quantum" at least once, do you?)

Nearly half an hour into the teleconference, D-B apologizes to his hosts – well, in a manner of speaking – for his garrulousness. "After all, this is supposed to be a dialogue," he acknowledges. But, he explains, there’s a good reason for his monopoly of the show thus far: "Truth falls like honey from one’s lips when one has been kissing the Divine…" And then he’s off and running again, with nearly another half hour of projectile verbiage. His speech is rife with spiritually erotic references, such as, "Getting naked with God," and "soulgasm," references that never fail to evoke a female titter or two.

For all you single gals who might be wondering if D-B is attached, I am sorry to inform you that he is married, sort of. "I married my soul to Truth," he says, failing to mention that he is apparently a faithless husband who is cheating on Truth with Self-Love and Unmitigated Bulls--t. Or perhaps he and Truth have an open marriage, in which his soul makes love mainly to his own B.S. (while his body boinks as many of his female followers and students as he can get away with), and Truth slinks away to find solace in miserable dives like this blog.

More than forty minutes into the broadcast he says he is going to open up the show for the input of others. This time, though, he is not repentant for having spent so much time gabbing. "I don’t apologize for the time I’ve taken." After all, he says, a fire doesn’t apologize for the time it takes to burn; it just burns, and when it is burned out the smoke rises like a prayer.

More interminable minutes follow in which D-B spews many more words, finally wrapping up his monologue – sort of – by reciting another original poem called, "The Milky Way." It starts out being about the stars and the universe, but quickly morphs once more to images of the flesh: "suckling from the sweet breast of truth," and the like. His female listeners sigh and swoon as he recites his immortal words about "gentle sucking," and "milking, milking, milking"…and… well, you get the drift.

And then, finally, he "opens this sacred space" to others who might have something to say. Not that they haven’t been participating anyway, he hastens to assure them. One does not have to talk in order to participate, he says. The truth, he asserts, is that anyone hearing his voice has been participating on a spiritual level all along.

Host Linda pipes in, saying that people have criticized her quavering voice. D-B assures her that hers is the voice of God.

Then a participant named Shauna makes a forceful entry through D-B’s barrier of words, saying she has written to D-B (apparently he has not responded). She is, she explains, a lifelong free spirit whose family and friends criticize her free-spiritedness. D-B gamely tries to give her the validation that she seems to be so desperately seeking, but she has more talking to do. She speaks of how her family of Mormons and Jehovah's Witnesses didn't accept her freeform spirituality, and D-B responds that members of his own family were shocked when he abandoned Islam for whatever it is he embraces now. But when it comes to gabbing, Shauna gives D-B a run for his money; he has trouble getting a word in edgewise over her rambling self-analysis.

The show is running into overtime now, but Linda the host quaveringly begs D-B’s indulgence and reads a letter from another doting female fan who attended a recent D-B performance and began her spiritual journey that very night as a result.

At this story, the female listeners murmur their approval. You can just feel the love, and it is really kind of icky. Once again, as was the case with an interview last year between The Secret creator Rhonda Byrne and Anna Darrah of the Spiritual Cinema Circle, I am reminded of Molly Shannon and Ana Gasteyer on the old "Delicious Dish on NPR" skit on Saturday Night Live ("Good times....mmmm. Good times.").

And then – finally! – D-B utters his closing words, assuring his listeners that they are the Resurrection of the Christ, the Golden Buddha, Mother Theresa, Martin Luther King, and maybe even a bit of Osama Bin Laden. Which is to say that we are all a bit of the sublime and the evil. The show concludes – yes, this time for real – with Shauna still interjecting with her on-the-fly analyses of her problems.

Good times....mmmm. Good times.

I’ll tell you about someone who probably isn’t having "good times" right now – the family of the young man who apparently committed suicide at Burning Man. On Thursday, August 30, a 21-year-old Colorado man was found hanging in a two-story tent located in the festival’s Comfort & Joy Theme Camp. He evidently had been hanging there for about two hours before anyone in the large tent had the presence of mind to take him down. According to Mark Pirtle, special agent in charge for the Bureau of Land Management, "His friends thought he was doing an art piece."

This was the first known suicide in the festival’s 21-year history (if you don't count the slow suicide the festival itself seems to be committing), and for the most part, the party went on as usual. You could, of course, chalk the whole tragedy up to the impaired thinking characteristic of young stoners. But you could also look upon it as a metaphor for the dark side of New-Wage culture: self-centeredness imperfectly disguised as introspection, bad behavior masquerading as creativity or free-spiritedness, all combined with a fierce mandate to avoid negative judgments about anything or anyone. I’m thinking Crack Emcee at The Macho Response blog would agree with the New-Wage metaphor assessment.

As, I believe, would others, such as some of the folks participating in a discussion on Gawker. A person with the moniker "Sanfranlefty" wrote:

The Burning Man crowd is a bunch of trustafarian hipsters who don't work and yuppie dot-comers who design websites, who are thinking that spending a lot of money for the right to be someplace "money-free" in BFE Nevada where they have to barter sex for water bottles is some sort of big life-changing artistic statement.

What a bunch of tripped out losers to not realize they needed to cut the guy down for two hours. Poor guy…

And then there was this one, from "Truculent":

Talk about the ultimate self-criticism. And yes, Burning Man has no deeper meaning tha(n) getting naked, rolling in the mud with strangers, being wasted and dehydrated (which heightens the effect) and pooping into plastic bags. The downside is you are forced into intimate contact with loons, psychopaths, boors and other people who you would never, ever associate with in real life.

At any rate, I really should have known better than to think that Dreaming-Bear would devote any part of his weekly "Divine Dialogue" to such a bummer of an event as some young dude's suicide. After all, D-B barely survived his own agonizing stint at Burning Man.

So maybe I should just cut him some slack.

For the benefit of those foolhardy souls who have decided they want to listen to the actual program and hear Dreaming-Bear expounding upon the meaning of Burning Man – but don't feel up to digging for the link in the mound of prose up above – here it is again. But don't say I didn't warn you.

* Or, more than likely, fully-naked man – I don't know and I don't want to know.
** SNAG: Sensitive New Age Guy

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Tuesday, September 04, 2007

A blog post that rocks (so to speak)

Blair Warren, who's been away from his blog way too long, exercises his imagination by telling the tale of an amazing man and his magic rocks. As Blair explains, though, it is just a fable. It could never happen in real life...

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Monday, September 03, 2007

Labor daze

Just a few odds and ends as this Labor Day winds down...

Hurricane Diva tackles Felix
As followers of this blog might have expected, Lynn Marks, aka Spirit Diva, channeler of hurricanes, will be leading special prayers and meditations to tame Hurricane Felix. Felix is a Cat 5 storm as I write this. Spirit Diva just sent out an email announcing her newest project and reviewing past successes:

For those who haven't participated with us in the past, please know that our meditations, along with countless others, make a difference. We have successfully participated in prayer and meditation events to transform the path and intensity of several hurricanes and typoons [sic] in the past couple of years, including Dean last month as well as Ivan, Jeanne, Frances, Rita, Wilma and Alberto. We've seen them shift direction and decrease enegy [sic] within minutes of competing [sic] our meditations. We can do it again.

Yep, SD, great work with Rita and Wilma, two of the most devastating hurricanes (after Katrina) in recent years. Oh, I know: it would have been much worse without your efforts. The first Felix meditation is... well, tonight (which is tomorrow already, for those of you in Other Parts of the World). In fact, it has just begun as I am publishing this post.

Gabriel of Urantia (née Sedona): another side
In the past I've written about Gabriel of Urantia, the artist and spiritual community leader formerly known as Gabriel of Sedona. A couple of his followers have taken issue with what I have written. One who has written to me a few times thought, among other things, that it was unfair of me to quote Gabriel as saying, "I am the mandated ruler of the world. Everything I do is justified."

This person says he has known Gabriel for over eleven years and has never heard him say anything remotely like that. I have no way of knowing if the quotation is accurate or not, but I got it directly from an article I found on the Rick Ross site, written by several unnamed former members of Gabriel's Aquarian Concept Community.

Gabriel's follower also thought I erred a bit on the snide side in my assessment of Gabriel's singing voice, and suggested that perhaps at the very least I could take that bit down. It is not my habit, however, to rewrite blog posts to suit the tastes of other people. On the other hand, I am always more than willing to present opinions from "the other side," and to correct factual errors when I make them.

But as for my humor, I do not always err on the side of kindness, although some who know the backstory of some of my posts are very aware that there are times I have exercised great restraint here. However, as I explained to Gabriel's follower (who has been very polite and thoughtful in his emails), I am simply not willing at this point to completely relinquish my sarcastic ways.

I did, however, think it only fair to say that in this person's experience, Gabriel of Urantia, née Sedona, has never made grandiose statements such as those quoted above.

Tapping and yapping
More and more folks these days are getting into EFT tapping. This is not to be confused with the sort of tapping practiced by the unfortunate Senator Larry Craig.


Anyway, there's a great new EFT tapping video on YouTube. Here is Cosmic Connie's Capsule Summary:
[Opening credits appear on a couple of laser-printer labels plastered on coffee mug.]

Disheveled man in pajamas sits down in front of camera, gives a big hammy fake yawn, and says, "Good morning!"

Man puts on glasses, and in short order begins tapping and yapping.

This goes on for several minutes.

Tap tap tap. Yap yap yap.

Tap tap tap. Yap yap yap.

Tap tap tap. Yap yap yap.

Tap, tap tap....

And so forth.

Man finally decides he has tapped and yapped sufficiently to give himself and viewers a fantastic day.

"Okay, take a deep breath. Now go out and have a fantastic day."
But don't take my word for it. Here's the link.

The man in the video is Brad Yates, who along with Joe "Mr. Fire" Vitale is selling an ancient quantum tapping system that will give you breathtaking wealth and abundance, or you don't pay a penny.

Tap, tap, tap!

Just be careful where you do it.

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Sunday, September 02, 2007

Ship of fools

Be warned now: Noted quantum physics expert Scientist Bob Proctor and his pals, as well as nearly 2,000 personal-growth junkies, are taking over an entire ship in October! The Reverend Michael Beckwith, aka Zormak, is going to be on board as well, raising the vibe by perpetrating a special meditation every morning. Also appearing will be several other renowned hustledorks self-help stars whom Scientist Bob is raving about but most of whom, frankly, I've never heard of.


Alas, for some reason, it doesn't look as if Bob's former co-hort, Aussie Secret star David Schirmer, is going to be on board. And the two of them were so good together! But Bob will be featuring New Thought star Mary Morrissey, whose husband Edward served prison time for laundering money and using funds from his wife's church for personal expenses, so maybe there will be something of a sense of continuity. (It should be noted that Mary herself was never charged with a crime, and I am sure she knew absolutely nothing about what Eddie was up to.) Anyway, according to Son o'Bob Brian Proctor, "Mary Morrissey will be on board to do a program with Bob Proctor that will be introduced for the first time on the ship." Here's more info about what will be happening when the Self-Love Boat sets sail.

There will be plenty of opportunities on the cruise for you to learn how to get rich, or, even more important, make Bob and his friends richer. F'rinstance, there will be an opportunity to get in on Bob's Science of Getting Rich program. And there will be all sorts of additional programs, products, and services to help you max out your plastic.

No doubt about it, the Mexican Riviera will never be the same. In fact, with a couple thousand aggressively self-improving folks on board, who knows what profound Earth changes will occur? The resulting vibes could be overwhelming; this might just be the event that causes not only California, but the entire West Coast of North America, to finally break off and sink into the ocean.

And even if that doesn't happen, there's something else that might be a red flag for the potential cruiser: the possibility of body-snatcher or walk-in situations. If you watch the video on the site I linked to above, you'll hear Scientist Bob saying that he guarantees that each person who walks up that gangplank onto the ship will be a completely different person by the time he or she disembarks.

So I'd be careful if I were you.

PS ~ Some lyrics that popped up in my head...

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Saturday, September 01, 2007

Starr witness

Jelaila Starr, whom you have met here briefly (scroll down to "Woman goes off meds again"), is helping folks prepare for 2012, which, as we all know, is the new Y2K. That's the year the world may or may not end.


Jelaila is a messenger from the Galactic Federation's Niburian Council, and says her mission is "to provide spiritually-inspired multidimensional tools and knowledge that will enable us to recode our DNA, and ascend to our next evolutionary step."

I just received a link to a teaser for Jelaila's "Countdown to 2012" workshop, in which she'll discuss, among other things, the Secret Government (which has nothing to do with the bestselling infomercial), the pole shift, the inundation of California, and other issues and events, including, of course, "the E.T. connection." The workshop will explore all of these "from the 3D perspective as well as a higher perspective." There will also be information on how, if we do our "emotional clearing," we can change the course of, or perhaps even prevent, tsunamis, hurricanes, and various Earth Changes. Which means that if we don't do our clearing, and choose instead to fill the Earth with our toxic vibes, we have only ourselves to blame for what is to come.

I think Ms. Starr needs to get together with the folks who made Zeitgeist: The Movie.

So here's the link to the teaser for the "Countdown to 2012" workshop.