Whirled Musings

Across the Universe with Cosmic Connie, aka Connie L. Schmidt...or maybe just through the dung-filled streets and murky swamps of pop culture -- more specifically, the New-Age/New-Wage crowd, pop spirituality & religion, pop psychology, self(ish)-help, business babble, media silliness, & related (or occasionally unrelated) matters of consequence. Hope you're wearing boots. (By the way, the "Cosmic" bit in my moniker is IRONIC.)

Sunday, March 11, 2007


It is a beautiful Sunday, and spring is breaking out all over the Bayou City. It’s a balmy 78 degrees today, mostly sunny, and the bluebonnets should be popping their heads up any weekend now. The birds are out in force around our house, every one of them intent on producing a mess of little birdlings. All around me the white-winged doves are belting out their mating call, which, depending upon whom you’re talking to, either sounds like "who-cooks-for-you" or "koo-koo-ka-koo." They must be really randy this season, because I’ve even been hearing them throughout the night. Or maybe I’m just having auditory hallucinations.

Anyway, this being spring and all – that glorious time when even nonbelievers can almost believe that God is alive, magic is afoot – I am trying to turn over a new leaf. My powerful intention is to focus more on the positive than on the negative. I truly want to work on my personal growth and expand my horizons. I want to be more than I can be.

So I’m thinking of buying me a couple of advanced degrees. And maybe one or two for The Rev, too, as a late birthday present.

See, I keep getting these emails from New-Wage degree mills metaphysical universities, urging me to buy earn an advanced degree in Metaphysics because it will help me professionally. A Masters or Ph.D., I am constantly being informed, will increase my credibility, thus possibly increasing my earning power. Most important of all, it will help me make the world a better place. And who doesn’t want to do that?

I figure that I’m getting all of these emails at this time because the Universe is trying to tell me something.* The Universe is informing me that it is time for me to become a Metaphysician.

The problem is, I can’t decide on universities. And since I am on a budget, there is also the matter of tuition to consider.

I was talking to The Rev about this and he pointed out that one can obtain a doctorate of divinity from The Universal Life Church for pretty cheap. "That’s fine," I told him, "but I never cared for divinity. It’s too sweet."

"No, I’m talking about a degree," he said. "Focus, Connie, focus!"

So I went onto the Ministry Products page on the Universal Life Church web site. Since I’m already an ordained minister with this Church, it did seem logical for me to start there. I found that not only could I earn a Doctorate of Divinity for a mere $29.95 USD, but I could obtain an entire Ministry-in-a-Box set for only $139.95. I thought about it a while, and decided that since I’m still pretty much an agnostic, it would be somewhat hypocritical of me to pursue my doctorate of divinity, although the Reverend Doctor Cosmic Connie does sort of have a nice ring to it.

I should note that the Universal Life Church offers many other degrees and titles. A few I’ve long been interested in are Universal Philosopher of Absolute Reality; The Very Esteemed; Baroness; and Lay Sister. But somehow these don’t have quite the cachet of "Dr." So I’m pretty sure I’m going for a Ph.D. Or maybe two or three.

But my goodness, there are so many choices! Now, it’s true that the Universal Life Church also offers a Doctorate of Metaphysics for only $29.00. They highly recommend that while obtaining this degree, you also obtain related study materials available from the ULC bookstore.

I admit ULC is awfully tempting and certainly economical, but I’m thinking that one of the larger metaphysical universities might carry more credibility. There is, for example, the University of Metaphysical Sciences. Getting a doctorate seems pretty easy:

The Doctorate Degree has no written or audio lessons. The only work required is writing a 10,000 word doctoral dissertation (equivalent to two book chapters in length) on any metaphysical subject you would like to write about. For instance, if you want the Ph.D. in Holistic Life Coaching, you must write your thesis on a subject pertaining to life coaching. Otherwise, there are no limits to the subjects you can choose. Once you have submitted your doctoral dissertation you will receive your final credentials, the Doctorate Degree, within 6-8 weeks.

And I would also get a chance to earn a second doctorate, increasing my credibility even more.

A second Doctoral Degree can be earned by writing another doctoral dissertation. Many students find the second degree useful, for both the D.D. and the Ph.D. serve different purposes. The D.D. is for those who do one on one work with others, while the Ph.D. gives the student more prestige as an author, teacher and lecturer. Many students earn both degrees in order to meet all their needs for credentials. The second Doctoral Degree must be attained within three years of the first Doctoral Degree.

Of course there may be a bit of a catch; it’s possible that a bachelor’s degree and a master’s degree are prerequisites. But that’s not really a problem, because the University of Metaphysical Sciences offers those degrees as well. (A Bachelor of Metaphysics would earn me the right to put B.M. after my name!) I have the feeling that I could purchase a B.M., M.M. and Ph.D. all in one big package deal. Or I might just be able to use my life experiences as credits towards one or more of the degrees.

Another metaphysical college that allows credits towards a bachelor’s degree for previous education, training and skills, is Calamus International University, whose corporate headquarters are in the British West Indies. I’ve been getting quite a few emails from them lately. They offer an amazing array of courses and "student-friendly continuous assessment – no stressful final examinations." For those in a hurry there is this intriguing offer: "No bachelor’s degree and want to achieve a doctorate without taking years? Contact us for confidential specialised advice without obligation." And convenient monthly payments by PayPal are possible.

Good Goddess, I could be swimming in degrees before summer!

So… get ready to start calling me Dr. Cosmic Connie, y’all. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to have to go out and clean some more white-winged dove poop off of the mini-van before The Rev and I go out to dinner.

* Either that, or the metaphysical universities just bought a bunch of advertising from my favorite New-Wage spam service.

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Anonymous Blair Warren said...

Not so fast.

I'd also be interested in putting a string of letters behind my name. And I bet many of our readers would be as well.

We should poll our readers to find out how many would like to join us in becoming doctors and then see if we can get a group discount.

We should also see if we can get rid of that arduous task of writing the 10,000 word dissertation.

Compared to the mere 6 to 10 years it takes others to get their doctorate degrees, having to write 10,000 words - and *then* being expected to wait 6 to 8 weeks - is unspeakably cruel.

So, I bet with a little time on Google we could attract a source for pre-written dissertations.

Then we just have to deal with that pesky 6 to 8 week wait.

Maybe they could just e-mail us a template of the diploma so we can fill it out ourselves.

Remember, there is power in numbers so if we can get a good group together, I think we can make this happen.

Scratch that. I *know* we can make this happen. After all, I've seen The Secret.

Sunday, March 11, 2007 9:21:00 PM  
Blogger Cosmic Connie said...

OMG, Blair, what a brilliant idea.

For a while I was actually thinking I could fudge a bit on the dissertation. One of the mills...I mean universities...will accept previously existing writings in some cases if the writings are relevant to metaphysics. Since I have blogged about many metaphysical matters in the past seven months, I am certain I could mine a mere 10,000 words or so. All I would probably have to do is add a few footnotes.

But then I thought, well, I am kind of busy and don't really have the time to go back and re-read all of the drivel I have written, say nothing of adding reasonably relevant footnotes. So...yeah, I like your plan, Future Doctor Warren! (Or will you be going by "Doctor Blair"?)

Sunday, March 11, 2007 10:43:00 PM  
Anonymous Lana said...

Count me in!

Dr. Lana Banana

Works for me.

(I'll be happy to write dissertations for $99.97.)

Sunday, March 11, 2007 11:23:00 PM  
Blogger Cosmic Connie said...

Banana-fana-fo-fana-fe-fi-mo-mana! Lana!

All right! We're all gonna be Doctors!

Sunday, March 11, 2007 11:32:00 PM  
Anonymous Lana said...

If I could just trick myself into believing all this metaphysical stuff, I'd be rich and famous. What is wrong with me???!!!!

Just checked out the ULC entry at Wikipedia and the famous ULC ministers list. Cool! I had no idea... Even atheists...


Doc Banana

Monday, March 12, 2007 10:32:00 AM  
Blogger Cosmic Connie said...

Yes, Doc Banana, that's why I decided to go ahead and get ordained with ULC even though I am an agnostic. Just wanted to make sure I have all my bases covered. But I draw the line at going for the Doctorate of Divinity. I have other doctorates to pursue.

Monday, March 12, 2007 10:43:00 AM  
Anonymous Lana said...

So torn, so torn.

Shoot -- I'll just get all the degrees. Today is the first day of the rest of my life. How exciting is that!

Monday, March 12, 2007 11:20:00 AM  
Blogger Cosmic Connie said...

That's the spirit, Lana. When in doubt go for everything! Think big! Who knows, you might be recruited for "The Sequel!"

Monday, March 12, 2007 11:24:00 AM  
Anonymous Lana said...

Oh, I have much bigger plans.

How about if we do our own film? After we get our doctorates, of course.

Monday, March 12, 2007 11:39:00 AM  
Blogger Cosmic Connie said...

Can we glue costume bling to our foreheads like Rhonda does?

Monday, March 12, 2007 11:48:00 AM  

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