The sweet buy and buy

I am really beginning to have second thoughts about The Secret.* I’m thinking I have been a bit too hard on this astonishingly successful franchise, particularly in these past few weeks. And I’ve certainly been too hard on some of the Secret teachers. After all, what’s wrong with encouraging people to buy stuff, or with being really, really, REALLY proud of the stuff you’ve bought yourself? Isn’t buying stuff one of the main reasons we’re here on this Earth? Of course it is! I don’t know why I’m being such a stick-up-the-arse about this, especially given the fact that I like to buy stuff too.

And there’s no denying that The Secret has allowed many people to get a piece of that big ol’ prosperity pie we all deserve. The Secret and that other scientystical** masterpiece, What The Bleep Do We Know?!? have encouraged many New-Wage entrepreneurs to create and market some wonderful merchandise to help lift humanity to a whole new level of enlightened consumerism. And it is all based on cutting-edge scientystical research.

Many of these products have made it easier than ever to make good things happen in your life with very little effort. For example, there are temporary tattoos you can put on your body to draw good things to you. There are blessing labels you can put on your water, particularly the water that goes inside you. And you can also use Law Of Attraction principles to bless your food.

I think it’s really pretty wonderful that The Secret and What The Bleep have provided keys to amazing technologies that make it easier than ever to get exactly what you want in life. I think of how difficult and cumbersome things used to be before the key to the Law Of Attraction was revealed to the ignorant masses.

For example, I’m looking at the instructions for a " Full Moon Spell For Love," which is part of a set of "Holistic Resource" cards offered by a company called IMP. According to this spell, here’s what you have to go through just to attract the love you desire. First you have to gather a bunch of stuff, to wit:

1 red apple (preferably organic)
Pink and/or red rose petals
Red pen
Knife
Large sheet of paper
Red ribbon

The card explains that pink and red are the colors of love, so you should use these colors in your spell to guarantee the best results. And once you’ve gathered all your materials, here’s what you have to do:

1. Write down on pink paper the characteristics you’re looking for in your love match.
2. Hold your apple up to the Moon (it should be a full Moon), and say, "Lady Moon of sky above, grant my wish and send me love."
3. Take your knife and use it to carve into the apple an image of two hearts touching.
4. Sprinkle the rose petals over the paper and use it to wrap them and the apple up, with your writing on the inside.
5. Bind the package with the ribbon, knotting it three times as you speak your wish aloud.
6. Take the package to a natural place such as a park or the woods. Bow to the Moon three times as you walk away. You will soon find the love that you desire.

But that seems to be an awful lot of trouble to go to when you can just slap a label on yourself or your stuff and get what you want that way. Or, better yet, just ask your special Secret genie!***

To me, the most exciting message the New Wage has to offer is that you can literally buy your way to happiness and enlightenment. And who doesn't like to hear that message? Whether you’re purchasing a piece of jewelry, a temporary tattoo, a thousand-dollar weekend seminar from a certified Miracles Coach, or a two-point-something-million dollar mansion, total fulfillment really is just a transaction away.

And what’s really exciting is that there’s even an enlightened credit card you can use for many of your purchases.

But wait…there’s still more. In fact, there’s something even better than an enlightened credit card. The Universe has a blank check with your name on it! At least, your name will be on it when you put it on. I read it on The Secret web site:

The Bank of the Universe is now open!

It has unlimited abundance, available to you right now!

Actually it has never NOT been open, but only a few throughout the history of mankind knew of the unlimited abundance that was theirs for the asking.

You must believe that you can receive it, so take small steps with the amounts, if that feels more believable to you.

Place the check in a prominent position where you will see it every day!

Every time you look at the check, STOP!!! BELIEVE and FEEL that you have the money NOW!

This is followed by a link to a picture of the Universal check, which I have thoughtfully included here. I think it is so wonderful of the Universe to do this for us, and even more wonderful of Rhonda Byrne and her pals to make it available to us.

There’s only one little problem that I can see.

The check is stamped, "Not negotiable."

PS - Tonight, Thursday, March 8, 2007 at 9 p.m. EST., CNN's Larry King Live will take a look at the criticisms of The Secret. I am not sure who all will be on, but I do know Joe Vitale will be there speaking on behalf of The Secret. You can send in questions about the topic via email by visiting this link. Who knows, your question might get on the air.

* Not really.
** Scientystical (adj.): Scientifically mystical. Coined by Cosmic Connie a few weeks ago.
*** Or ask any of the Secret teachers. Call now! Smooth operators are standing by, just waiting to take you... I mean... take your order.