Whirled Musings

Across the Universe with Cosmic Connie, aka Connie L. Schmidt...or maybe just through the dung-filled streets and murky swamps of pop culture -- more specifically, the New-Age/New-Wage crowd, pop spirituality & religion, pop psychology, self(ish)-help, business babble, media silliness, & related (or occasionally unrelated) matters of consequence. Hope you're wearing boots. (By the way, the "Cosmic" bit in my moniker is IRONIC.)

Wednesday, August 23, 2006

Enlightenment: just a mouse click away

Why are we here? That is the question that has baffled and intrigued humanity for millennia. I don’t know why this remains such a puzzler for so many folks when the answer is so very obvious. I can see how PTE (pre-technology era) humans might have been a little overwhelmed by the question of purpose, but there is really no excuse for such confusion today. Marketing and advertising scientists figured out years ago why we are on this material plane: to buy stuff. Internet marketing scientists went one step further when they revealed that our true purpose in life is to buy stuff online. (Viral marketing scientists went even further when they discovered that the true calling of the most highly evolved souls among us is to persuade other people to buy stuff online.) We may think of ourselves as teachers or healers or artists, parents or friends or humanitarians, followers of one God or many. And we may very well be one of more of these things – but we are, above all, consumers. Those of us who are truly evolved are cyberconsumers.

That is our highest calling.

Yet for some people this simply isn’t enough. Ignoring the plethora of genuinely amazing products available today, and the easy new ways to buy these products, they continue to focus instead on abstract notions such as "fulfillment," "meaning," "healing," "making a difference," and even "enlightenment." If you are one of these malcontents, I feel your pain. Well, not really (I’m a narcissist after all). But I do have some good news for you. Now it is finally possible to get fulfilled, healed, enlightened, etc. – and even to make a difference,* if that’s what blows your skirt up – just by buying stuff. The trick is knowing what to buy, and naturally, I can help. Here are just a very few of the hundreds of remarkable products that have come across my cyberdesk over the past couple of weeks alone.

Ascend up
If the face in your mirror is looking a little more age-enhanced than you would like, you have several options. You could of course try cosmetic surgery, Botox ®, dermabrasion or any number of expensive creams or lotions. The problem with these methods is that they only work on the surface; they do not work at Soul level. That’s why you need an Alchemical Ascension Cream – and you are in luck, because Ascended Master Saint Germain is making a limited-time offer of his incredible TransformEssence Rejuvenating Skin Nutrition Cream. Troika Saint Germain, his earthly manifester and sales rep, says that this cream was the first product Saint Germain asked her to manifest. "It is," she assures us, "the Cornerstone of His products. He brought it forth as an Ascension Tool!"

What does TransformEssence do that other creams, or more radical methods such as surgery, don’t do? According to Troika, "This remarkable cream heals and restores skin to health and youthful vitality while raising one’s frequency and vibration to assist with Ascension. Organic botanicals, vitamins, minerals, amino acids, and other valuable ingredients combine with 16 sacred essential oils, gem elixirs, ORMUS, Chinese medicinal herbs and mystical Alchemy to balance and open the crown and heart chakras along with raising your vibration."

Not only will TransformEssence make you look younger, but, says Troika, "It will also help to break the tightly held collective consciousness thought patterns about aging. It is a necessary step for us to change those thought forms in order to claim and achieve physical rejuvenation and immortality right now." She adds, "Please read the article, A NEW WAVE OF ALCHEMY, located on my website for further understanding of why Saint Germain wanted this extraordinary skin cream produced."

I haven’t tried the stuff myself, but if you need proof that this cream works, you need only look at a picture of Saint Germain (see my August 4 post). This fellow is hundreds of years old, yet it’s plain to see he has the skin of a teenager. (Okay, a sort of blue-looking teenager in this particular picture, but that’s just the light on this blog.) "You owe it to yourself to try TransformEssence as it is quite amazing!" says Troika. Indeed, if you’re going to Ascend, you might as well look good doing it. And best of all, the Cream is only $30.00 for a half-ounce jar, or $85.00 for two ounces.

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Hydrate this, baby!
Water is hot these days. Well, so is everything else, what with global warming and a record number of baby-boomer women experiencing personal heat waves, but water is hot in a mystical sense too. There have been several recent books and auxiliary materials about water and the wonderful lessons it can teach us. But what about the water you drink? You could buy the most expensive, exclusive bottled waters in the world, but more than likely they still wouldn’t be transformed waters. So you wouldn’t be receiving the full complement of physical and spiritual benefits from guzzling your daily H2O. And what about the water you bathe in? Are you really getting the full benefits of soaking in that stuff that comes from your faucet? You aren’t unless your water has been transformed via secret scientific technology that only a few people can understand.

Fortunately, you don’t have to understand this technology to enjoy its benefits. Even more fortunately, water transformation is now easily available from several sources, including the GlobalLight Network, hawkers of "Products For Conscious Living." For example, there is the Quantum Age Calming Wand, a "Stirwand" described as "pocket-sized innovative water technology to maximize your hydration potential and much more." This Stirwand may look like a cross between a tampon and a Kegel exerciser, but it is actually an amazing high-tech device. "The Stirwand," according to the website, "uses the noninvasive resonance of naturally occurring high matrix minerals to get the most out of your water. The Stirwand is the size of a pen, lasts a lifetime, never wears out. Enjoy the blend of the CALMING WAND for personal quiet times like reading, meditation. Place a Calming Wand in the tub for bathing or soaking."

The Stirwand also helps you work on your emotional and spiritual issues. One satisfied customer wrote, "After the initial intoxicating effect of the Calming Wand on my nervous system, I have observed that if you have issues, the frequency from the Calming Wand doesn’t allow the issues to be stored away, rather they are forced up to the surface to be dealt with…"

Another customer wrote, "The wands are amazing! I wouldn't be apart from them. I felt compelled to place the Calming Wand down my bra over my heart chakra as soon as I got into the car. I would say it took until I turned the car around before I felt the effects of the Calming Wand (20 seconds). As I drove home, the feeling of deep relaxation settled over me…"

Also available are the Quantum Age Drinking Water Wand, which transforms your drinking water; the Quantum Age Flavor Wand, which brings out the flavors in all of your favorite foods and beverages; and even the Quantum Age Garden Wand, which does magical things to your green growing things. Although all of these wands look identical to the untrained eye, they perform distinct functions. So if you really want to get the most out of your soaking, buy all four. They’re only $100.00 each.

And there’s more good news: If the Calming Wand, Drinking Water Wand, Flavor Wand and Garden Wand aren’t enough for you, and you long to "enjoy the advantages of Quantum Age Water technology as part of your water supply," you can buy the Quantum Age Water Tube for only $1,295.00. This is a 17-inch copper pipe, threaded at both ends with 3/4" copper fittings, and ready for installation. For some reason there are no customer reviews of this product yet, but I’ll keep an eye open and let you know if something comes in.

From the same good people, you can, for a mere $16.50 each, also buy Cosmic Energy Stones, which utilize "Crystal laminar technology" to turn your water into Cosmic Water. The stones themselves were manufactured using a form of alchemy. Cosmic Water, suggest the sellers, could very well be "most like the waters of the Fountain of Youth."

There is real science behind these products, according to an email I received from the GlobalLight folks. (This info doesn’t seem to be on their website, so you’ll just have to trust me.) Their Stirwands, for example, restore "a special balance needed in water so that it can hydrate and oxygenate cell membranes to their fullest potential, by making the energy and contents of the water molecule fully available to the cell's aquaporins [water channels found in proteins]. Stirwand technology actually drops the specific gravity of the water below the threshold that allows single water molecules to pass through the cell membranes." They even cite the Nobel Prize winner who discovered aquaporins.

Hey, that’s good enough for me.

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Jewelry that does your thinking for you

At the risk of sounding as if I am betraying my gender, I will confess right now that I don’t much care for jewelry and rarely wear even so much as a watch. (I don’t like shoes either. Go figure.) But many women – and an increasing number of men, I’ve noticed – put a great deal of stock in adorning themselves with bright shiny objects. I say, if you’re going to wear jewelry, why not wear "conscious jewelry?"

For that, Dear Ones, you need only look as far as Bali. Or, actually, as far as Santa Monica, California, where an artist, mystic and jewelry designer now known as Shankari has her showroom. Shankari, according to one of the web sites that offers her products for sale, "designs beautiful conscious jewelry with the intent to empower the wearer, heal energetic imbalances, release fear and strengthen the spirit.:

Shankari’s life is a pretty amazing story in and of itself, according to her website.

Following her inner guidance, Shankari came to Bali from Sydney, Australia, a single parent with four small children, knowing no one, with no money, no safety and no language. In twelve short years, she has become the wife of a Prince and lives in a palace by the sea on the West Coast of Bali. She is the owner and architect of an International Retreat Center there, designer and producer of a highly acclaimed line of fine jewelry, an artist and an international teacher…

Given her name by Swami Mukananda while studying the teachings of the Siddha Masters, devotional yoga and chanting, Shankari draws upon her own training as a healer and mystic to infuse each of her beautiful and unique pieces with the intention to empower the individual, heal energetic imbalances, release fear and strengthen the spirit. The Sanskrit translation of her name is the balance of male and female energies and it is that perfection of balance that she strives for in every piece of her jewelry.

And if that’s not enough to sell you on her products, here’s the clincher: She’s also a jeweler to the stars. Yes, Hilary Duff and many other Hollywood luminaries wear her stuff.

And just how does her jewelry work? Shankari explains:

My "Tools of Light," loosely called "Shankari’s jewelry," work all by themselves...

They are actually self-propelled etheric Cleansers and Realignment experts from another dimension. I am an alchemist. Within my work, there are thousands of pieces of ancient encoded information that translate into my pieces by osmosis, not through conscious intellectual instruction, but rather through ancient knowing. My pieces have proved to be profoundly active on even the most unconscious client. Simply put, the energies of my jewelry make anyone who wear them feel good, whether they believe in it or not.

This is why they have the power to work on your relatives and friends in a subtle way, realigning them to truth and a new ‘Integrity of Being.’ Of course, the effect of the pieces can also be amplified by the intent of the wearer, but it is not necessary.

The jewelry ranges in price from several hundred to several thousand dollars. Shankari also offers a large line of "sacred objects," including a "Calmness and Light Wand" for the bargain price of $2,780.00. (Unlike the Quantum Wands mentioned above, however, I don't think you're supposed to stick it in water, and certainly not in other things. It's jewel-encrusted and could injure delicate tissues. I think it's just to look at and maybe wave around.) You can also purchase a "Creativity Mirror" for a mere $2,950.00, and a "Calmness and Light Chalice," which can be yours for only $5,850.00. If you really want to impress someone, Shankari offers several one-of-a-kind objects that will run you five figures. Oh, and she also sells art, clothing and even shoes.

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You do the Mat
At the end of the day, after you’ve creamed your face, imbibed your Cosmic Water, stirred your Quantum Wands everywhere they need to be stirred, and removed your conscious jewelry, you’re probably ready for a good night’s sleep. Why just sleep, though, when you can heal while you snooze? The Amethyst Bio Mat, described as a "quantum therapeutic Device," will enable you to "experience a quantum magic carpet ride that will assist us in co-creating a New World!" It promotes "Peace, Inner Sanctuary, and Deep Delta States of Relaxation," thus assisting the healing process on many levels. It is also a "Vibrational Tool." I own several vibrational tools myself, but none like this. Matter of fact, they more closely resemble those Quantum Wands...

The Amethyst BioMat employs quantum physics (of course), which the promoters define as "An equation where: 1 + 1 + 1 = Much more than 3 = Infinite Possibilities." By way of explanation, they offer this: "Far Infrared, Negative Ions, and Amethyst have all been individually revered, however, the BioMat combines all three in this quantum equation."

What does it do? Well, among other things, it "supports Life-Force Energy (Chi), immune system, detoxification, blood flow, pain relief, stress and muscle tension reduction, fatigue, and much more." It has a "special function" that "emits Negative Ions and transforms positive ions to negative ions in the human body. This provides strength and energy to the human body and relieves pain."

In addition, it is "filled with the finest Korean Amethyst Crystals, which are powerful energy conductors….This unique innovation in bio technology consists of 17 different layers." And, even though the website carefully explains that statements about the BioMat "have not been evaluated by the FDA," the product is an FDA Licensed Medical Device (2954299). I think that's because, apart from all the quantum stuff, it's sort of like a glorified heating pad.

You’ll be pleased to know that the BioMat comes in several varieties for health professionals and personal home health care. The price is perfectly reasonable, considering that there’s so much healing packed into one little mat; depending upon the size and other specs, it ranges from $1,350.00 to over $3,800.00. You can also get an Amethyst Memory Foam Pillow for only $250.00.

* * * * *

Well, that’s it for our enlightened shopping op this time around. I hope that by reading these words you have been imbued with a deeper sense of your own purpose in life. In the future I will alert you to more new products and services to deepen your sense of purpose even further. Now get out there and buy, buy, Birdie!

* You will almost certainly "make a difference" in the lives of the people who, out of the goodness of their own hearts and a deep desire to serve humanity, are offering these helpful products for sale.

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Blogger Citizen Deux said...

Brilliant!!! And pretty entertaining too! Now if only my Quarter Pounder with Cheese would teach me something.

Friday, October 20, 2006 10:29:00 AM  
Blogger Cosmic Connie said...

Thanks, Citizen D.! Actually, I have found the selections at Jack In The Box to be much more illuminating than those at Mickey D's. In fact, just the other day I saw an image of Saint Germain on my Chipotle Chicken Ciabatta sandwich...

Friday, October 20, 2006 10:42:00 PM  

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