You aura bad parent!

I just received an urgent email from noted Florida psychic Frances Fox, who has warned me that my parents may be tinkering with my aura. And your folks might be messing around with your aura as well. Moreover, they can do this even if they are deceased. I know this is so because…well, because Frances told me, and she thought it was important enough to tell me in all caps:

THE CONTENTS OF YOUR AURA DETERMINE YOUR REALITY
WHAT ENERGY IS BEING TRANSFERRED TO YOUR AURA BY YOUR PARENTS,
WHETHER THEY ARE DEAD OR ALIVE?

This was followed by a list of things we can all blame our parents for.

INHERITED "GARBAGE" FROM YOUR PARENTS

• Memories of traumas
• Congestions of emotions from traumas
• Past life information
• Negative spirits
• Fragments from your mother
• Fragments from your father
• Fragments from abusers
• Depression
• Anger
• Fear
• Energy from houses you own
• Energy from your office
• Energy from the war you were in
• Negative astral particles

I’m not exactly sure how your parents could be responsible for things such as "energy from houses you own" or "negative astral particles," but heck, why not blame them? This gives a whole new round of ammunition to the "victimization" camp of the self-help industry, as described by Steve Salerno in his book, SHAM.

But that doesn’t let you off the hook, no siree, especially if you are a parent, as you are more than likely mucking up your kid’s aura. Or, as Frances puts it, you are "energetically strangling your child." And if you don’t stop it right now, your kid could grow up to be like this unfortunate executive who was enshrouded by negative attention from his daddy. Or she or he could end up like the hapless woman in this story:

While speaking to a friend, I saw how enshrouding can come from another human being, even a human being who loves us. The friend I was speaking to is in her 30’s. She has an aging mother in her 80’s, in ill health, depressed, and basically immobilized. While not sick yet, my friend felt her own health was going to take a turn for the worst. As she was speaking to me on the telephone, I "saw" her mother covered by a black gelatinous bubble of misery. Then I saw my friend, several feet away. That gelatinous bubble was spreading over my friend’s head. My friend was being enshrouded by her mother’s black aura.

Fortunately we have folks such as Frances, who can help you ward off your parents’ evil influence, while teaching you how to stop muddling up your kiddos’ auras. Frances has a whole line of products and processes to help fix broken auras and clean dirty ones. As her web site explains:

Because of her ability to communicate with nature she knows that each flower on the planet has the intention to help humans. As a result, in order to bring a more natural healing modality to the modern world, she developed a collection of flower essences, Flores de Isis. This line of essences is designed to help repair the human energy field and heal emotional issues This collection and other products are currently available in her store in the elegant Coral Gables shopping district. She will be launching her natural products collection international(ly).

In her tireless research on the problem of aura-mucking-up, Frances has even gone to the dolphins for advice. Yes, Francis telepathically communicates with dolphins, and they have told her many things, including information about why 9/11 happened, and warnings about World War III. But for some reason, the dolphins didn’t want to talk about auras, as Frances explains on a page from the Mensajes de Los Delfines section of her web site.

I think you owe it to yourself, your family, and your collective auras to explore Frances’ web site. Not only will you learn how to heal your own dysfunctions, you will also find out many things about celebrities. For example, you will learn that Madonna is working out karma by adopting that African child (the dolphins told this to Frances), and Mel Gibson has been spewing out those anti-Semitic diatribes because he is possessed. Mel’s misdeeds are, Frances explains, an example of "entity driven behavior."

If you can’t find what you need by perusing her web site, you can send Frances a question by email. If that’s not enough, you can arrange for a phone appointment with her. It will only set you back $90 for 15 minutes, or $175 for a half hour. All appointments must be prepaid by credit card.

Whatever you do, I suggest you act now, before your aura gets overtaken by a black gelatinous bubble of misery, or your kid starts engaging in entity-driven behavior. I realize that for some, it may be too late regarding the latter, but you can always stop it before it gets worse. And it might take nothing more than the right $75 dollar flower remedy or $175 half-hour phone session. Or maybe a Xanax or two.

Saturday snippets

On Friday, Whirled Musings turned three months old. That’s a whole quarter year and, considering my diminutive attention span, it’s quite an achievement. To celebrate, I am giving myself the weekend off, or most of it, anyway. I just wanted to throw out a few bits and pieces before I head out into the glorious fall weather with The Rev.

Neale and pray
The movie we’ve all been waiting for was officially released in theatres across the US on Friday. I’m speaking, of course, about Conversations With God, a film based on the cottage industry created by Neale Donald Walsch, to whom I paid tribute last month. Neale made his name by chatting with the Creator of All That Is, or at least with a voice he claims to be the Creator. Naturally, the critics have weighed in. (Rest assured, Walsch fans, it won’t hurt Neale’s bottom line.)

Please, I’ve had enough
Had you ever stopped to consider the possibility that if the words "absolutely" and "awesome" were outlawed, or at least added to the list of Words You Can’t Say On TV, all of the morning talk/news shows would simply have to shut down? Come to think of it, most of TV would have to shut down. Hmmm….let me get started on my campaign…Wanna join me?

Other words and phrases that are no longer cool, clever, cute or even remotely original:

• "At the end of the day" (the sooner the sun sets on this one, the better)
• "You do the math" (used even when there isn't anything remotely related to math involved)
• "[Fill in the blank] envy" (For example, there are all sorts of businesses with the word "envy" in their name, e.g., "Massage Envy." I am not even sure what the word "envy" means in this context; I just know it is way overused.)
• "Not so much" (used as a comically outrageous understatement. It's mandatory that every contemporary sitcom include this phrase at least once, followed by the laugh track)
• "That bad boy" (you know it’s egregiously overused when the bald middle-aged guy on CBS’ Early Show describes a friggin’ pumpkin pie as "that bad boy." It happened on Friday. BTW, the The Early Show is definitely one that would have to go off the air if "absolutely" and "awesome" were outlawed on TV.)

And that's just the short list (oops, another cliché). I'm sure you can add several to the list. While you're at it, will someone explain to me what uber really means, so I can use it a few times and sound more intelligent than I am before uber becomes a cliché too? Oops, too late.

Super Intendo
As you know if you’ve read previous posts on this blog, "intentions" are the must-have spiritual items du jour. But they have to be powerful intentions; all the edge-thinking hustledorks are powerfully intending these days, and you don't want to be left behind. I just received an email about yet another intention-happy web site, the The Intenders of the Highest Good, that will help you powerfully intend, or "step into your power." The folks at this site are now offering a free 44-day email message service called "The Intenders Bridge" to get you started on your journey. Also available are intention "passalong cards," such as the one pictured above, to help you hustle the Universe so it'll cough up all the stuff you want. Or all of the stuff the person you give the card to wants; I'm not entirely sure how these cards are supposed to work. I just know that they're a bargain at only $80.00 for 500 cards. And don’t miss the inspiring intenders' movie. Turn your speakers down, though; the inspiring music is a bit cacophonous.

Other places to hang out
I hope you’re still paying regular visits to Steve Salerno’s SHAMblog, which, unlike this blog, actually contains serious posts and discussions, with a healthy dose of humor.

And while schlepping through the blogosphere the other day, I came across yet another noteworthy blog, Christopher Locke’s Mystic Bourgeoisie, a work dedicated to "numinous lunacy and the sanctimonious narcissism of the New Age." Based in Boulder, Colorado, where New Age hooey abounds, Locke, aka "Rageboy," is the author of numerous books, articles and rants about the Internet, business, and contemporary culture. On Mystic B, he has devoted himself to documenting "the unlikely story of how America slipped the surly bonds of earth & came to believe in signs & portents that would make the middle ages blush." Chris has come up with a term that perfectly describes the New Age/pop spirituality business: "the spiritual-industrial complex." One caveat: this is another site geared to make you actually think. I’m easy on you, Chris won’t be. But to take the edge off the cerebral content, the site is chock-full of appealing graphics as well. Check it out.

One Noir thing, Zen I'll go
I've lampooned the new-ish movie genre called "Spiritual Cinema" here before, but then I came across some info on a new indie film, Zen Noir, from L.A. filmmaker Marc Rosenbush. This one just might be worth viewing. The trailer (for which I suggest you turn your speakers up, in case you muted them to watch that intender movie) leads me to believe that this project is a result of what happens when spirituality refuses to take itself too seriously. We need more of that.

That’s it…I’m off to romp with The Rev.

One pill makes you larger…

No, I’m not talking about those male-member enlargers or performance-enhancement pills that you read about dozens of times every day in emails from severely English-challenged entrepreneurs.* The pill we’re going to look at today is one that will expand your consciousness, not your Johnson (or your guy’s Johnson, if you’re a woman). I made a passing mention of this pill in yesterday’s entry, but it really deserves its very own post.

The magical supplement is called Magneurol6-S™, and although it has apparently been out a year or more, I only learned of it yesterday when Googling astral projection. In the sidebar ad, the product was touted as an astral projection pill, but it does ever so much more. "Paranormal pill rapidly delivers outstanding results within the arenas of Astral Projection, O.B.E. [out-of-body experience], Remote Viewing and paranormal like abilities!" promised the copy. "Magneurol6-S™ is noted to give results as quickly as 30 minutes from initial use, delivering a cascade of outstanding paranormal experiences."

I had to find out more, so I cyber-projected to the home page, where I was greeted with more enthusiastic copy:

Mysterious Magnetic Property Delivers
Powerful Mind Expansion!
Mysterious One-Celled Bacteria discovered to work with magnetic fields!**
Unique Magnetic Properties have been found in the cell and brain tissues of all animals including humans, explaining Extraordinary Animal Sixth Sense...
Use This Discovery to Surpass
Current Human Capabilities by 3,000 Years!

Ah, yes, magnetic properties. I was definitely on familiar ground now. For years, cutting-edge hustledorks have been promoting the miraculous power of magnets. Magnets, they claim, can heal the sick, raise the dead, make the little girls talk outta their heads…oh, wait, that’s The Seventh Son. But magnets are pretty impressive too. And why wouldn’t they be? "Magnet" comes from the same root word as "magic," after all.***

While some closed-minded naysayers totally dismiss the merits of magnet therapy, the edge marketers know better. And I gotta admit that it’s pretty hard to argue with the logic of the Magneurol6-S folks:

Magnetism is one of the most pervasive features of the Universe, with planets, stars and entire galaxies all having associated magnetic fields. It is now possible to tap into a unifying universal force! The potential of this amazing discovery and the realization that we are now able to safely introduce it to our bodies ecosystem creates stunning possibilities to its true application and how it will possibly quantum leap humankind.

(Speaking of English-challenged…)

Looking at the list of ingredients of Magneurol6-S, you might think it’s just another megavitamin supplement. But there is one additional ingredient called magnetitum that purportedly sets this pill apart from everything else on the market. Magnetitum is derived from magnetite, a mineral that is – you guessed it – naturally magnetic. Composed chiefly of iron oxide, it is known in Chinese medicine as Ci Shi, and is indicated for a variety of ailments ranging from dizziness to insomnia to rectal prolapse (don’t even ask. You are better off not knowing). "Animals possess magnetite in their brains and now scientists discover Humans also have it!" exclaims the copy on the Magneurol6-S web site.

We are told that Magneurol6-S has "a unique proprietary blend of specific magnetized properties which compliment cells naturally occurring within your body." Hmmm…they compliment cells? Does that mean these properties are capable of whispering things to our cells to make them feel good? That is really pretty remarkable. Talk about motivation at the most primal level.
To further elucidate the science behind the formula, the Mag6-S folks also present information about "Micro-sized, One-cell Bacteria" that are billions of years more advanced than we are:

These micro-sized, one-cell bacteria, beat humans to the discovery of the magnetic compass by billions of years! Since that time intrigued scientists have discovered micro-bits of magnetite inside many animals such as Dolphins, Sea Turtles, Salmon, Butterflies, Whales, Honeybees, Homing pigeons and a host of others! Whales will migrate over 3,500 miles. Butterflies migrate over 2,796 miles. That distance is roughly 150,000,000 times the average butterfly's body length of 3 centimeters. All of these migratory species demonstrate a mysterious sensory that accurately guides and informs them and they all have magnetite in common!

Okay, I thought, that makes sense. If you eat magnetite – a substance that has been proven to be present in the brains of migratory animals – you should, theoretically, be able to migrate right out of your body. But to where? I wondered. And what if you can only do it at certain set times of the year – say, spring and fall? Besides, if we humans already have magnetite in our brains, as Salmon, Dolphins, Butterflies, Whales, Honeybees, Homing Pigeons and Sea Turtles do, why do we need to ingest more? Puzzled, I read on.

On the How It Works page I found a great deal of information on serious scientific studies about the effects of magnets on homing pigeons and people. Apparently magnets affect the sense of direction in both pigeons and humans. "If human sensory is altered by magnets then, like the pigeons, it can also potentially be enhanced!" reads the copy.

Well, this was all entirely too scientific for me. I still wasn’t sure exactly how magnetite could make me more psychic. But I couldn’t ignore the powerful testimonials.

Each day I used it I could actually feel it amplifying my senses. By the fourth day I was having huge breakthroughs in all of my personal practices!
Day 7 (Journal Excerpt of KT)
Last night I turned all the chaotic psychic energy I had been feeling inward, actually using that sensation to focus. It completely revolutionized my meditation reigniting my spiritual drive and enabling me to experience meditation in a way I never had before. The experience has affected me the entire day. It's like I can feel the collective thought of the entire building.
Day 2 (Journal Excerpt of MS)
This is my second day taking Magneurol6-S™. I took 2 pills around 1pm and unlike yesterday, it REALLY kicked in. About 20 minutes after swallowing the pills, I was on the phone with a customer at work and looked up at my ivy plant above my desk. Out of the blue, and it's hard to explain, but I felt my ivy plant growing! Almost as if it was discharging some sort of information that I could feel while giving it attention. After that, I refocused on the call I was on and was able to really connect.
Right around 2:30pm it really started kicking in HEAVY. My perceptions felt very strange, yet somehow I was taking in more information about my office and the overall feeling of the workplace. I could feel the air, the moderate temperature seemed to stand out and felt pleasurable. I would not say I was spacing out, but I noticed that I felt very pleasurable and was my mind was almost silent. Other then knowing I was awake and aware, I had no thoughts going on. Now that is rare! For the rest of the day I was able to easily and accurately project what others would say to me in calls, before they said it. I also noticed that it was surprisingly easy to communicate hard to explain ideas and subjects with much less effort. I have experienced clear states of mind, and have had days where I felt bright eyed and ready to take on the world, but this felt much different! This may turn out to be very interesting indeed.

And there’s more on (moron?) the Testimonials page.

If all of these glowing testimonials are not proof of this pill’s efficacy, I don’t know what is. But is the pill safe? That’s another matter altogether. I started thinking about some of the things that could go wrong. Let’s say, for example, that you’re taking Mag6-S to help you with astral travel. What if your astral body interprets the whole "migration" thing a little too narrowly – and when the leaves start turning, instead of leaving your physical body and whirling around in some place that’s fun, your etheric bod simply heads south within your physical body? You could spend your entire fall and winter with your astral head in your…well, you know. Or suppose the pill makes your brain super-magnetic, and every time you enter the kitchen…whoosh!…you end up with your head stuck to the refrigerator? At least the kids will have another way to hang their art work, and that’s a good thing, but it could severely affect your own quality of life.

There is, however, no mention of these potential side effects on the Mag6-S web site. There is only this warning: "Magneurol6-S™ was specifically engineered to expand and deliver rapid Paranormal / Metaphysical experiences. If you are suffering from any mental, bio-chemical or emotional instability, please seek the advice of a medical professional."

Magneurol6-S has been written up on other web sites as well, and the Mag6-S folks thoughtfully provided links to these sites, apparently without actually reading the copy on all of them. For example, I found these comments after the Mag6-S write-up on Steve Johnson’s Strange New Products site (I have not edited them for spelling or punctuation):

"I took the pills and I turned purple."
"oh oh my life totally changed when I took these pills. I had less money."
"I RECcOMMEND THIS DRUG TO ANY DRUGY OUT THERE! Wooooooooooooooooooo--- Dailyyyyyyyyyy doooose of dopppppppppeeeeeeee........x_X"
"You're not making people psychic you're making them high!"
"Oh wow now I know how my dog feels. Woof."
"ayoO it made ma penis huge...and ma sex drive has been outrageous..oh yeah the benfits of this pill..is u do get cha 6th sense..let me break it down, u get to feel how spider man feels...and thats spider sense times a hundred!!"
"I ordered this pill and I have been on it for 2 weeks, My penis fell off."

One indignant anonymous soul spoke up in defense of the product: "There is strong scientific evidence supporting their claims. I suggest that before you act like children you read up on it."

So there you have it, children – another miracle pill, backed by strong scientific evidence, and perhaps not so far removed from those other "enhancement" pills after all. It will either make you psychic, or it will alter your anatomy in unexpected ways. Or it could be like the ones that Mother gives you, and not do anything at all. You’ll just have to read the research and decide for yourself. But no matter which pill or supplement you decide to take, or even if you choose not to take any supplements at all, you should always, always remember what the dormouse said: "Feed your head."

* Sample:
Subject: Its not wonder your girlfriend is very angry!
Hello Lots of men deal with this daily not knowing there's a comprehensive solution to the problem. Your problems will be fixed with Extra-Time, a complex method of dealing with all the reasons. Is not again the phrase you hear too often in bed with your partner? Come in: (link). You won't forget your eyes after you finally gave her the long-lasting love. She'll go crazy about you!

** Speaking of The Magnetic Fields, you really need to check them out if you haven’t already. Start out with "69 Love Songs." It’s great therapy – better than real magnets, even.

*** Okay, not really. Magic comes from Middle English magik, from Old French magique, from Late Latin magica, from Latin magicē, from Greek magikē, from feminine of magikos, of the Magi, magical, from magos, magician, magus. Magnet, on the other hand, comes from Middle English, from Old French magnete, from Latin magnēs, magnēt-, from Greek Magnēs (lithos), Magnesian (stone), magnet, from Magnēsiā, Magnesia, an ancient city of Asia Minor. But it sounded plausible, didn’t it? And isn’t that good enough?

* * * * *

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Hollow down there!

Lately I’ve been getting lots of emails from folks who are channeling important messages from ascended masters. This is to be expected, what with all of the galactic-shift stuff that is now going on, particularly that Cosmic Trigger Event that happened just last week. Or maybe it has something to do with the fact that, through no fault of my own, I happen to be on a new-age spam email list. Anyway, what is truly intriguing to me is that now some of these messages are coming not from some ethereal plane far above this mortal coil, but from inside the earth.

In other words, the masters imparting this wisdom are living somewhere down below us. So much for being "ascended." But no matter; they still seem to have something mighty important to tell us.

Or Telos, as the case may be. Telos, I have learned, is a city of highly advanced souls who are rumbling around in our planet's nether regions, bursting at the seams to help enlighten us surface-dwellers. And you probably thought the Devil lived way down there, didn't you? Shows what you know.
Ever since ancient times, people have been fascinated by the idea of a hollow earth.* The notion has survived intact through the centuries, and today it is alive and kicking on the Web. Hollow-earth advocate Max Fyfield has drawn an intricate map of what lies beneath (or inside, as the case may be). Follow the link; it'll be worth your while. If you want, print it out and give it to your kid to color. According to Fyfield and many others, the legendary land of Shambhala (or "Shamballah," as he spells it) is located "down there," rather than in some misty place beyond the Himalayas. (And now that song is going to be in my head for the rest of the day, and probably yours, too.) Supposedly, many other subterranean civilizations exist as well, and some folks think that at least some UFOs come from inner space rather than outer space.

Stuffy old science has done everything in its power to disprove the hollow-earth notion, but I say, "What does science know?" I’m going for the entertainment value – or, if you prefer, the enlightentainment value. You can have your wet-blanket scientists; I’d much rather listen to people such as the James family – daddy Bryan James and his Indigo brats Kevin and Katherine – whom you met previously on this very blog. The James family is apparently now in contact with an entity named Adama, who dwells in (on?) the aforementioned Telos. To me, that’s proof enough of a hollow earth. And here’s what Adama of Telos said about the October 17 Cosmic Trigger Event before it happened:

The time on the 17^th (October) is of great importance to the Earth. The time is coming of a great opening, where there will be free sharing of what we keep here with those on Earth. We will tell people more about Telos, and will be communicating in more direct ways with people engaged in a holy work for the planet.

Naturally, the James gang can tell you much more about Adama, the people of the land of Telos, and other subterranean Lightworkers. All you have to do is subscribe to their Agents of Light newsletter, which you can do when you access their web site.
I have to admit I was pretty curious about this Adama character, but I really did not feel moved to subscribe to the James’ newsletter, despite the fact that it’s free and probably worth every penny. So I decided to do some serious research, and that’s how I discovered Dianne Robbins of Rochester, New York. She’s the author of an entire book about Adama and Telos and those underground Lightworker types. Presented as a $4.50 USD e-book titled, Telos: The Call Goes Out From The Hollow Earth And The Underground Cities, it is a series of "telepathic communications from Earth's Interior." Apparently Adama telepathically (Telos-pathically?) dictates to Dianne, and she, out of a deep desire to serve humanity, has chosen to share some of these dictations. The main message seems to be this:

YOU ARE ALL LIGHT
AS WE ARE ALL LIGHT
AND SOON OUR TWO LIGHTS WILL MERGE INTO
ONE GREAT LIGHT OF PLANETARY ASCENSION

Adama, a former denizen of the doomed Lemuria, is now an ascended master and high priest of Telos. Or maybe he’s a low priest, since Telos is…well…down there. "Down there," by the way, would be somewhere below Mt. Shasta in California. According to Adama/Dianne, over a million folks live in Telos in perpetual peace and prosperity. Actually, aside from the "perpetual peace and prosperity" bit they’re a lot like you and me, in that they’re human and physical just as we are. What makes them so special is that their mass consciousness "holds thoughts of only Immortality and Perfect Health." This enables them to live hundreds and even thousands of years in the same body. Adama himself has been in the same body now for over 600 years.

So how did the Telos dwellers get down there in the first place? According to Adama/Dianne:

We came here over 12,000 years ago before a thermal nuclear war took place that destroyed the Earth's surface. We faced such hardships and calamities above ground, that we decided to continue our evolution underground. We appealed to the Spiritual Hierarchy of the planet for permission to renovate the already existing cavern inside Mt. Shasta, and prepare it for the time when we would need to evacuate our homes above ground.

You’re probably wondering how a bunch of 600-year-old and older subterrestrials could become so much more evolved than we surface dwellers. Here’s what Adama says:

For the past 12,000 years, we have been able to rapidly evolve in consciousness due to our isolation from the marauding bands of extraterrestrials and other hostile races that prey on the surface population. The surface population has been experiencing great leaps of consciousness in preparation for humanity to move through the photon belt. It is for this reason that we have begun to contact surface dwellers to make our existence known. For in order for the Earth and Humanity to continue to ascend in consciousness, the whole planet must be united and merged into ONE Light from below and ONE Light from above.

And that’s why we’re hearing so much from the subterrestrials these days. They’re here to help us. Or, rather, they’re down there to help us. From their perspective, however, we’re the ones who are "down there," at least from a spiritual-evolution viewpoint.

In case you’re baffled by all of this "above" and "below" stuff, you needn’t be. Adama explains, "You, on the surface, are situated ABOVE us, and BELOW the Ashtar Command. You are receiving LIGHT from above and below. You are between two great forces of Light. We here in Telos, watch over your surface population very carefully, monitoring your movements and reporting back to our councils. We know all that occurs on the Earth's surface."

Adama also has a message about humanity’s mission. "In Telos," he says, "we are Spiritual Warriors, as you on the surface must become. A Spiritual Warrior is one who acknowledges the Light within, and knows he/she is here for the purpose of bringing in more Light to Earth. So you are all here to bring in the Light."

Besides having a hotline to Adama and the folks on Telos, Dianne Robbins is also apparently in close touch with Oceanus, or at least with some of the children of his watery realm, most notably, the cetaceans (dolphins and whales). She channels messages from Keiko, star orca of the Free Willy movies. Keiko, it seems, wants us to free all of the captive dolphins and whales from the world’s aquariums. Naturally Dianne wrote a book about this, too, The Call Goes Out, Messages from the Earth’s Cetaceans (available as an e-book for $3.50 USD or a paperback for $19 USD). I’d be careful about this one if I were you, though. I don’t see any indication that Dianne is even marginally aware of some of the current cutting-edge research on cetaceans, which I wrote about recently on this blog. I personally think that if we were to free all of the captive cetaceans, they’d come after us. So we’d better leave well enough alone.

I do think the subterrestrials have our best interests at heart, however. You might wonder, as I did, why Adama picked Dianne, of all people, to transcribe his messages. Turns out that the Moody Blues were responsible. (Warning to baby boomers: Careful about following that link; the guys are pretty old and scary-looking now.) As Diane explains it on her bio page:

As a child, I used to stand outside and look up at the night sky, and wonder where, in the starry heavens above, was my home. In 1990, when I was listening to music of the Moody Blues, and heard their song "I Know You're Out There Somewhere," it suddenly flooded me with memories and I instantly knew there was a whole other world out there, just waiting to communicate with me. I began a process of meditation that reawakened me to the rememberance (sic) that I am a telepathic receiver and transmitter for the Inner-Earth terrestrials and Cetaceans. I also awakened to my divine mission and role for this lifetime.

Okay, I know that by now you're all fired up to go down and visit Adama and his pals in in person. Sorry, you can’t do so right now, at least not in your physical body. When asked how one gets to his underground city in Mt. Shasta, Adama replies, "Through the tunnels, of course, which are strictly guarded and camouflaged. Only our own people know the way."

But there’s good news here. Adama explains, "Soon, you too, will be given directions to locate us, and you will be met by one of us who will lead you through the underground tunnels to our city. It isn't far, just a mile beneath the ground, and once you're safely in the tunnels, there are conveyances that will take you the rest of the way."

Meanwhile, Adama/Dianne offer this caveat: "Mt. Shasta is very rough terrain. There have been serious accidents on the loose rock. Do not go wandering/climbing in this area without an experienced guide. You may practice astral traveling there." So even though the physical you can't go there right now, the etheric you can, if you know how. But good luck proving you were there, unless you can somehow extract the astral body from your camcorder. By the way, if you are having trouble astrally projecting, you'll be delighted to know that there is now an astral projection pill to make it much easier to leave your body. It's a true breakthrough, perfectly legal (I think) and a bargain at only $79 for a month's supply.

While we’re waiting for the green light for physical travel to Telos, I really think it might behoove us all to invest $4.50 USD to read Adama’s message, and to spread it to as many people as possible. After all, as Adama himself says, "Our book of channeled messages is written to humanity, in hopes that they will recognize and receive us when we emerge from our homes beneath ground and merge with them on the surface, in the not too far distant future. We will be grateful to you for the part you play in helping us broadcast the reality of our existence. We thank you."

So I just wanted to give you a heads-up, in case you’re walking down the street some day in the not-too-distant future, minding your own business, when suddenly the Earth splits open and mobs of filthy old people come clambering out of the cracks. Just know that they come in peace. And if they start talking about "merging" with you, don’t worry; it’s not anything sexual. They only want to share their Light with you. But just to be on the safe side, make sure they wash their hands before sharing anything with you. You can get all kinds of nasty diseases from dirt these days.

* If you truly have time to waste, here’s a link to more links on Hollow Earth stuff.

* * * * *

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Plastic fantastic

As you know if you’ve read some of my previous posts, such as this one from August 23, I have pretty much figured out the purpose of life. I no longer agonize over all the possible reasons that we humans have been flung into this 3D world of illusion, disillusion and delusion. For I now know the answer: we are here primarily to get money so we can buy stuff, preferably online.

And no matter how much we get, we should never be satisfied, for that would mark us as underachievers – spiritual as well as material slackers. We should always want more. The true secret to life is that everything is never quite enough. As a great spiritual marketing guru recently wrote, after listing some of his latest impressive achievements, "I still want more, though. As a friend in Maui says, 'I’m totally satsified (sic), I just want more!'"

Towards that end, since this blog’s inception nearly three months ago I have highlighted numerous products for the conscious consumer. And now, I am pleased to note, you can go one step further on your road to conspicuously enlightened consumption. No longer do you have to buy your spiritually-correct stuff with filthy lucre, or the plastic equivalent thereof. You can now acquire all of your heart’s desires by using truly evolved plastic, in the form of an Enlightenment Visa Card.

You read me right. I know that it sounds like something I might have made up, and Goddess knows I wish I had…but it’s very real, at least as real as things can be in this world of illusion. The Enlightenment Visa Card is the product of a company in LA (are you surprised)? And it’s ready to go to work for you, to help you make the world a better place.

You might wonder how this card works. Is the magnetic strip on the back somehow charged in such a way as to alter your energy fields, balance your chakras and suck some really cool stuff in your direction? That's the least I'd expect of an Enlightenment Card.

But that's not this one works. Even so, it's pretty magical. The premise is this: "We know that money is energy and has the power to change the world. Finally, the first 'conscious' credit card where you can earn points towards workshops and retreats, yoga classes, organic products, spas, books, and buying Amazon gift certificates for Cosmic Connie, whose email address is cosmic.connie@juno.com." Okay, I am just making up that last item. But if you should feel so inspired...

The Enlightenment Visa Card's slogan, as you might expect, is, "Changing the world one point at a time."

This is truly the dawn of a new era, another sign of the great galactic shit shift that is now happening. You still could end up getting hopelessly, helplessly in debt (with no way out, thanks to the revised screw-the-consumer bankruptcy laws in the US)…but at least you’ll feel good about it. You will know that you have made a difference.

And that, as another credit card's marketing campaign would have it, is "Priceless."

P.S. on Thursday... You really should take a look at the "About Us" page for Conscious Enlightenment, the company that sponsors the Enlightenment Visa card. You will find such gems of nebulous new-age idealism as, "Politically and economically speaking, we support all ideas that create an integrative outcome." But the crown jewel is their spiritual statement, which concludes with this: "...we feel strongly that now is the time to set aside our differences and create heaven on Earth." Considering that credit card debt is responsible for hell on earth for many Americans, I don't think Conscious Enlightenment is headed in the right direction with this one.

Cosmic trigger misfires

I can’t believe I've been away from my blog again for over a week. In truth this has been a very trying week for me, and I have to wonder if it has anything to do with the fact that I failed to participate in the Cosmic Trigger Event that occurred on October 17.*

I’d been looking forward to the CTE ever since I received the email with the headline, "Miracles!! Miracles!!! Miracles!!!! They can be Yours!!!" The email was actually an ad for the services of the Reverend Carolyn Fumia, a transplanted upstate New Yorker now residing in the arid and mystical land of Arizona. (Sedona, natch. Did you even have to ask?)

I was intrigued by the notion of having some Miracles of my very own, preferably without having to exert any effort or part with any money, so I read on. But it turns out that these Miracles are not mine for the taking. I have to buy them. And in some cases I have to work for them as well. It seems that Rev Carolyn is offering a series of services devoted to Awakening The Master Within You. A clear case of Master Baiting, I thought, but decided to read on anyway.

Rev Carolyn, yet another new-age dilettante in a cosmos that is crowded with such folks, offers a wide range of services, including but not limited to:

• Master Healing Ministration
• Soul Level Readings
• Medical Intuitive Readings
• Clairvoyant and Clairsentient Readings
• Advanced Spiritually Oriented Sessions to Integrate the Immaculate Concept or Whole Light Being
• Private and Group Training
• Gift Development
• State of Grace Results

Her fees are quite reasonable, considering the miraculous results that you may or may not experience. She charges $80.00 an hour for services "and a flat fee of $250 for the Integration of the Immaculate Concept." One caveat: "There are no guarantees. Most often, miracles do occur in the sessions." Glad we got that cleared up.

What qualifies Rev Carolyn to manifest these Miracles? Let me let her tell you herself:

I have been trained as to how to minister the lifting of form into light, and creating form from pure light for the purpose of bringing Wholeness and revealing, through experience, the Divinity Within, or the Holy Master Within. I work direct with Source, Lord Jesus and the Holy Spirit, Holy Feminine, Altered Magnetics, and through manipulating Sacred Geometry while directing energy through specific intention, and holding the position of witness and of knowing without doubt. I witness the client's Source healing them.

Hey, if she’s good enough for Jesus and the Altered Magnetics (does that sound like the name of a rock group to you?), she’s good enough for me.

And I can’t deny that Rev Carolyn delivers results, particularly when I read about these true-life cases, taken straight from her web site:

• One woman advised me that after we worked, her hair color changed, and all the gray disappeared,** same woman had a large birth mark go poof from her face during the session.
• One family with 10 animals noted that all the fleas in the house and on the pets went poof as we relocated them to the woods.
• Lots of detox these days with liver cleanses, removal of fatty tissue in liver and walls of heart, eyes showing immense improvement, parasites disappearing, kidney detox, female hormone balance noted, PSA levels normalized, and unfortunately, for some, depossession of entities and entity removal. Also immediate improvement noted for congestive heart disease, which also seems to be popping up all over the place today, (4 cases in two weeks), edema disappeared due to neuropathy, and so much more.
• Another advised me she levitated in the middle of a labyrinth following the work together with the Integration of the Immaculate Concept, witnessed by two other participants.

Rev Carolyn adds that many folks experience "radiating pure white light with pastel rainbow colors, with the flow of the River of Life, or Shakti flooding them. Their home is lifted into the Higher Frequencies of their 12th dimensional Holy Self, feeling like they are on an elevator. The most fun part to me is when their feet fill with liquid white light, and a soft gentle sweet feeling, alsmot (sic) cotton like, but liquid is felt within the feet, fully anchored within, helping them to recognize the Holiest of Holies is Within."

The Rev Carolyn is also a Medical Intuitive who offers "Bioenergetic Clairvoyant Readings." By phone or email, she can "scan" your bod and tell you what ails you. Of course she is not a medical doctor, as she carefully explains on her web site, though she says she prefers to work in cooperation with clients’ physicians. Here’s how she works:

She clairvoyantly scans the physical body by viewing the etheric template level of the organs, systems, genetic and cellular structure with great detail. If you have a skin condition, please let her know, as she does not arbitrarily view the skin. If you have had organs removed, they will still appear in the etheric template, often in the same condition prior to your surgery….

… She views the chakras, meridians, geometric evolution and energy connections, as well as the nervous system connectivity and flow. She scans past and parallel life integration. She scans for fragmented aspects of self, shadow self, self love patterning, the influence of judgements upon the flow of energy within the body, the inner child, DNA patterning, mental body patterning alignment as compared to the pattern of the divine blueprint….

And there’s more – much, much more.

But the item that really grabbed my attention on Rev Carolyn’s web site was the mention of the Cosmic Trigger Event. I bet you were wondering when I’d make my way back to that. Well, here we are.

It seems there was buzz all over the Internet about a cosmic wave set to occur on October 17, 2006, lasting for 17 hours. Its purpose was to aid us in magnifying thought to matter. Supposedly it was to be one of many cosmic triggers that will occur as humanity approaches the year 2012, the year when the world may or may not end, depending upon whose interpretation of Mayan prophecy you believe. According to Brenda McCann, who is, among other things, a Powerful Intender, "What is unique about the cosmic wave occurring on Oct 17th is that it is a magnifier and accelerator of thought to matter. Thought to Reality. You have an opportunity NOW to make a change to love and peace if you choose to do so."

A fellow who goes by the name of Raphiem/Blue (or maybe that’s who he channels), has shared a great deal of information about the Cosmic Trigger Event, which he refers to as Mission 1017. He wrote:

…An ultraviolet (UV) pulse beam radiating from higher dimensions in universe-2 will cross paths with the Earth on this day. Earth will remain approximately within this UV beam for 17 hours of your time…

This beam resonates with the heart chakra, it is radiant fluorescent in nature, blue/magenta in color. Although it resonates in this frequency band, it is above the color frequency spectrum of your universe-1 which you, Earth articulate in. However due to the nature of your soul and soul groups operating from Universe-2 frequency bands it will have an effect.

The effect is every thought and emotion will be amplified intensely one million-fold. Yes, we will repeat, all will be amplified one millions time and more.

Every thought, every emotion, every intent, every will, no matter if it is good, bad, ill, positive, negative, will be amplified one million times in strength….

…This UV beam thus can be a dangerous tool. For if you are focused on thoughts which are negative to your liking they will manifest into your reality almost instantly. Then again this UV beam can be a gift if you choose it to be.

Mission-1017 requires approximately one million people to focus on positive, benign, good willed thoughts for themselves and the Earth and Humanity on this day. Your thoughts can be of any nature of your choosing, but remember whatever you focus on will be made manifest in a relatively faster than anticipated time frame…

This UV beam comes into full affect for 17hrs on the 17th of October 2006. No matter what time zone you are in the hours are approximately 10:17am on the 17th of October to 1:17am on the 18th of October.

We require approximately 1-million people across globe to actively participate in this event. Please use whatever communication mediums you have at your disposal. Reach out to as many people as possible. We require 1-million plus people at the least to trigger a shift for humanity from separation and fragmentation to one of unification and oneness.

This is your opportunity to take back what is rightfully yours i.e. Peace and Prosperity for all Earth and Mankind.

As luck would have it, real life intruded once again on all of my grand cosmic plans. On October 17, The Rev (Ron, not Carolyn) and I had to take my mom to the doctor, and then we had some crises with his surrogate mom. And we had to deal with some thorny issues with clients and work as well. Bottom line: October 17 came and went, and I forgot to participate in the Cosmic Trigger Event. When I remembered it some time on October 19 or so, I felt like such a slacker. What if the Universe had failed to shift because of my lack of participation? More importantly (I’m a narcissist, after all), what if my own troubles were the result of my failure to take advantage of the mighty UV beam?

Well, I needn’t have worried about the Universe, because when I visited the Rev Carolyn’s web site just now I saw this joyful message:

More on 10/17/06!! We did it!!! We are Victorious!!! Thank you to all who participated in this amazing event!! I am told we will see the fruit of our efforts over the course of the next 4 weeks! What an amazing orchestration of Light in Action! It was one HUGE unified Creation!…We have created Miracles Beyond Measure!!! I took the liberty of our Gift to Multiply and called forth all Positive Thoughts to be multiplied 1M x 1M x 1M x 1M x 1M x 1M. No thing can stop the Positive Creation Unfolding. It is full steam ahead!!!…Celebration is in order!!!!!!!…All the Light of the Universe Dances with us in celebration!!…Ha ha ha ha ha Halelujiah (sic)!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

But I’m still worried about me. The Universe, I figure, can take care of Itself. As for me, I’m going to keep a close watch on things from now on, and you can bet I’m going to have a finger on the next Cosmic Trigger. Or at least I’ll be ready to shoot a finger at the Big U if things don’t work out my way.

* Not to be confused with Robert Anton Wilson’s work, Cosmic Trigger. On second thought, maybe they are related. I’ve had the book for years but have never read it, and now it’s packed away somewhere and I can’t get to it easily. Why don’t you read it and let me know if there’s any connection? Better yet, send me an Amazon gift certificate so I can buy another copy. Make it a large-denomination gift certificate so I can buy a bunch of other stuff too.

** I have the same experience when I perform a secret monthly ritual involving a box of Clairol Natural Instincts.

Arman hammers the Universe

While traipsing around the blogosphere today, I came across a blog called "Success Rants," described by the blogger as, "The Blog Space That Unravels, Unspuns and Uplifts." The blogger is apparently a Middle Easterner residing in Melbourne, Australia. He signs his posts, "Arman B." I sense that English is not Arman B’s primary language, but he didn’t let a little thing like that stop him when he set out to give the Universe a piece of his mind. The purpose of his letter, though, was not to criticize the Big U but to thank it (her?) for being there for him.

So here’s the letter (he uploaded it to his blog as a graphic).

Following the letter, Arman explains why he chose to share this missive with his readers: "It might read ‘sappy’ to you... but I can promise you that it's a very significant sort of ‘sappiness’. I am serious. It is important that you start off the year on a note of gratitude. Actually, I will go on to insist that you should do so without a smidgeon (sic) of any sort of self-justifying, self-lamenting excuse whatsoever."

So there you have it: a lesson in gratitude.

And I have to say that the responses to the post in which this letter appeared were even more eloquent, raising the bar for blog-related discourse. The first respondent wrote, "Do you have a hairy nutsack?"

Deep questions, indeed.

Arman wrote this post on December 31, 2005. And he ended the post with some exciting news:

As of this moment: 7:50pm AU/VIC time, 01/01/2005, I am going to finalize some pending negotiation with a number of extremely effective human-beings... who, as your fate might have it, also happen to be some of the brightest, most successful gurus in the field of wealth-building... and then, I am going to be creating what's probably going to be... in all likelihood...

The Single Most Important Report
You Will Ever Read!

Some really exciting times ahead. I will be posting more information on this in a matter of 3 weeks, so, if you have a single drop of prosperity-blood in you, make sure you make coming to this blog a matter of priority.

Alas, the report has yet to show up on Arman’s blog. But I’m sure he’s working on it.

PS – I confess: I found Arman’s blog when I read a comment he wrote to a post on Joe "Mr. Fire" Vitale’s blog. Arman apparently is one of Mr. Fire’s most devoted fans.

The Stick People speak

The subject line on the email was: "Morning messages for multidimensional star humans." I was tempted to pass it over, feeling it simply wasn’t for me. For one thing, I don’t consider myself to be particularly multidimensional, although on some days I feel I am suffering from multiple dementias. Furthermore, I’m not a star, and I emphatically am not a morning person. But the body of the message had a pretty picture, and I’m a sucker for pretty pictures. So I read on.

And that’s how I learned about Peggy Black and her Stick People.

It all started one day over thirty years ago, when Peggy was teaching a class in visual poise, which is the art of standing, walking, sitting, pivoting, mincing, and slouching properly. It dawned on her that most folks, being either right-handed or left-handed, are not very skillful at using the non-dominant side of their bodies. How much more visually poised could her students be if she were to help them develop that non-dominant side? Accordingly, she decided to lead the class in an exercise using their non-dominant hands for mundane tasks. She herself began practicing drawing with her left hand, and to her amazement, images began to appear on the page.

They were Stick People.

"They danced on the page," Peggy wrote. "They flew, they gathered, they grouped. They became my friends and my passion. I allowed my left hand to totally express these delightful images, filling volumes of art books."

These Stick People seemed to take on a life of their own. Fortunately, they were benign, and as it happened, they were from another dimension. If you guessed the second dimension, however, you’d be wrong; they came from a much more advanced plane than that.

Over the years Peggy continued to draw her Stick People, and along the way she explored many aspects of healing, spirituality and personal growth. One morning while journaling – which is a mandatory activity for those who are personally growing – she wrote, on a whim, the word, "Contact." To her surprise an answer came: "We Are Here."

It was the Stick People.

"It was like a dialogue," Peggy wrote. "I would write a question and receive a stunning answer in my head." This is much the same thing that happened to Neale Donald Walsch, the difference being that his dialogues were with God, and he's made about a bazillion dollars on his creative writing exercise. I don't think Peggy has yet realized that level of income, but her AM dialogue with the Stick Folk was the first of many more to come. Peggy now refers to these chats as her Morning Messages, because that’s when they come to her. And now she wants to share them with us.

Peggy’s credentials are impressive, in a multidimensional sort of way. She is a self-described Sacred Sound Salutartist, Spiritual Synergist, Transducer and Scribe who "weaves her intuitive gifts, expertise, skills, and multiple talents assisting others to live an empowered, rich and abundant life." According to her web site, she is also a Focus Manager, an Intuitive Counselor, a Conscious Communication and Language Coach, and a Master Space Organizer. In addition, she is a lecturer and workshop facilitator. And as if that weren’t enough, she is a minister of the Universal Life Church (the same Church with which I am affiliated) and a high priestess. Peggy creates and conducts soulful rituals using "the power of sound and the holiness of water." (Hmmm, there’s that water theme again.) Peggy is also the Seneschal for the Labyrinth in the Garden of the Beloved, but I have no idea what all of that means, and I don’t have time to look it up. Google it for me, will you?

Some of the sacred sites where Peggy has conducted her holy ceremonies include Arabia, England, Ireland, Egypt, Japan and St. Lucia. She also gives international lectures and workshops about topics such as The Metaphysics of Sales; Miracles, Intentions and Manifestations; Allowing Prosperity; Sound Awareness; Sculpting Reality with Sound; The Power of Your Words and Intentions; The Creative You; and Alchemy of Collage.

But the current focus of her work seems to be on the messages from the Stick People. And they, apparently, have a lot to tell us, and most of it is really quite flattering. Oh, I know what you're probably thinking: they are just trying to blow smoke up our arses so we'll buy their books and CD sets and seminars. But you have to admit their words are nice. Hey, they see us as perfect, so I'm not complaining.

If you ask me, Peggy is extremely fortunate that her non-dominant hand exercises yielded such apparently benign results. She's lucky that her southpaw scribbling revealed nothing more than a tribe of sycophantic twigs. Fact is, non-dominance exercises can be very dangerous, even trauma-inducing, as reported in an insightful article by investigative journalist Kanna Wermz*.

So I’d stay away from the non-dominant hand exercises if I were you, and just stick (ahem) with Peggy and her Morning Messages. If you want to learn more about getting in touch with your own multidimensional Self, and/or if you want to hear Peggy tell her story in her own words, click here with your dominant hand. Or, if you're really brave and are prepared to face the potential consequences, use your non-dominant hand, or your foot.

Now let me tell you what is really spooky about this whole thing. Moments after I received my email about the Stick People, I saw, crawling along the ledge outside my office window, a stick insect. I will let you know if it conveys any messages to me.

* aka Cosmic Connie, in the 1996 magnum dopus Cosmic Relief. Sorry...more recycled material. But then, recycling is a good thing, isn't it?

Water you doing the rest of your life?

Lately I have been getting a deluge of emails about water. It seems that good old H₂O is becoming a liquid asset for more and more new age entrepreneurs. It could be that I’m attracting all of these messages simply because I’ve written and thought about the subject so much recently. For example, in my Oct. 1 post, I blogged about a company that offers temporary tattoos specifically designed to heal or enlighten anyone or anything you stick them on. Since these tats are based on real science, according to their makers, I figured they must work. So convinced was I of their power that I was on the verge of designing a temp tat of my own to put on our kitchen faucet. I thought it might make our truly awful tap water taste better.

Now I’ve found out that I might not have to go to all that trouble. I just received an email from a company called The Spirit Of Water, and guess what they make? Water Blessing Labels. The company’s slogan is, "Transform all your water into liquid prayers." They offer a wide range of clear labels with words such as, "love," "gratitude," "miracles," "joy," "serenity," "prosperity," and "self-love."

These decals are all carefully designed to transform water, as well as whoever drinks the transformed water. You can stick them just about any place where there’s water or liquid of any kind – food jars and bottles, medicine bottles, I.V. bags, pet water, plant water, hoses, faucets, showers, bathtubs, car windows, mirrors, refrigerators, aquariums, hot tubs, oceans, etc.

Water Blessing Labels work pretty much the same way the aforementioned temp tats work – by communicating your powerful intentions to the items you stick ’em on (as well as to the Universe, of course). We already know from the works of Dr. Masaru Emoto and the movie What The Bleep Do We Know? that water is sensitive to words, just as plants were back in the 1970s when Peter Tompkins wrote that bestselling book about their secret lives. So it only makes sense that if you slap a sticker on your water, it will respond to the words on that sticker. And if you subsequently drink the water, you'll soak up whatever good intentions it absorbed from those magical words. You could just eliminate the middle man and put the stickers on your own body, I suppose, but no doubt you’re already covered with temp tats, so you might as well put the decals on your water, as the Universe intended.

And you'll be glad you did, because once you start stickering your water, your life is sure to change. As the Spirit of Water people explain it, "When you put your intentions into your water, you are putting your water in action for you. 'Water in action equals the Law of Attraction.'"

Like I said, real science.

The Water Blessing Decals come in collections of fourteen to sixteen labels, selling for $9.95 per collection (bulk discounts are available). Each collection is devoted to a specific theme; currently available are "Healing Medicine," "Prosperity" (no big surprise there), "Sacred Symbols," "Personal Growth," "Sacred Feminine," and "Feng Shui." Notably missing is the Sacred Masculine, or even the Profane Masculine, but maybe that’s coming next. The Feng Shui and Sacred Symbols collections are actually symbols rather than words, but they are every bit as effective as the word decals because they are "imbued with the purity of the spiritual tradition in art."

I know what you’re thinking, and it’s the same thing I was thinking when I first got the email: Hey, I have the font that the Water People used, or something that looks a lot like it, and I have some transparent labels and a good printer; why can’t I just make my own Water Blessing Labels? But then I dug a little deeper and discovered that the Spirit of Water folks "used an artistic and sensitive approach in selecting the right words to convey deep personal intentions." And that made me realize that since these decals are so powerful, their design is best left in the hands of sensitive, spiritually aware professionals. The only problem is, there still doesn't seem to be a decal specifically to make foul-tasting water palatable. So I may be on my own there after all.

Now, if you've tried using decals and temporary tats and your water still isn't behaving, and your life is still pretty sucky, it’s possible that your water is illiterate. You can put the most profoundly loving words on your H₂O, but if it can’t read them, you’re SOL. You could teach your water to read, I suppose, but that can be tricky. Or you could try using the symbol decals instead of the word decals, but then you might run into cultural / spiritual-illiteracy challenges. (Redneck water, for example, is unlikely to have any earthly notion about what the yin-yang sign means. And even I don’t know what most of those other symbols stand for.)

That’s where the magic of sound comes in. Even the stupidest water is likely to understand a good sacred chant. That’s why you might be interested in an upcoming workshop that promises to teach you "How To Achieve Extraordinary Vibrational Energies." Batteries are not necessary for this kind of vibrational energy; instead, the magic key is something called "Pineal Toning™," which allows you to experience "a melting of dimensional barriers."

Melting dimensional barriers has always been one of my top priorities. For a long time I’ve felt that the biggest problem facing the human race is that most of us are stuck in the third dimension, which is a shame because there are so many more dimensions, most of which are way more fun than this one. Pineal Toning™ allows us to escape the confines of the 3D world. If you’re wondering exactly what Pineal Toning is, or how it tackles those pesky dimensional barriers, I’m not quite sure. But I do know it has something to do with sound, specifically, with a chant that activates the pineal gland, which is associated with the sixth chakra or the tenth chakra, depending upon which chakra system you subscribe to. Pineal Toning, as it turns out, was developed in the lab of the good Dr. Emoto. And it must be pretty powerful, because it somehow induced Tokyo tap water to produce beautiful symmetrical crystals. This is significant because, according to Dr. Emoto’s lab, it is very difficult to get any type of crystals to form in Tokyo tap water, which apparently has a horrid reputation. Yet after a few moments of "vibrational immersion in the Pineal Tone," the Tokyo sample had been transformed from a "chaotic, polluted appearance" to an appearance that "suggests clear, healthy water." No word on if anyone drank it or not, and if so, how it tasted, but who cares? It's the appearance that counts.

And if Pineal Toning can do this for Tokyo tap water, just think what it can do for you. According to the ad, if you attend this workshop you can not only experience "intense and amplified vibrational states," but you can also "increase your awareness and abilities," and "learn to grow younger by the day." A participant in a 2005 vibration workshop said, "Again and again I found my body circling around its central axis – fast and slowly, clockwise and counter clockwise through changes of colors…and energies and all around my heart I felt little sensations, like being filled past full…" To me that sounds like a combination of good hallucinogenics and a really large sex toy, but then, what do I know?

The next Vibrational Energies workshop will be held in San Diego November 4 and 5, 2006, with an optional November 6 session. Tuition is $333 right now, but $377 after Oct. 12. Oops, that’s today, so you'd better hurry. Lunch is provided for the first two days, but tuition is reduced if you are fasting or if you are a breatharian. A breatharian is a person who doesn’t eat or drink but lives solely on light or life force or some other universal substance you probably can’t pick up at the supermarket. If that sounds like the lifestyle for you, click here for more information. But if you are interested in Pineal Toning, you will have to attend the vibrational seminar, because for some reason "these tones are only available live and in person!" Click here to sign up, or for more info send an email to seminars@gematria.com.

I didn’t see any indication that Dr. Emoto himself is going to be at the November vibrator vibration workshop, but he will be on The Ocean of Gratitude Cruise to Panama, Costa Rica and Belize this coming February 20-28. Dr. Emoto and "a host of engaging presenters" will "amplify the frequency of gratitude with practical tools, intuitive practices and experiential activities." There will be water, water everywhere, so Dr. E. and his pals will have a lot to work with, as they show you how to…

• ANCHOR Gratitude into your life with practical tools, intuitive practices and experiential activities
• EXPLORE the principles of Gratitude applied to Sacred Commerce, health, creativity and much more
• ENHANCE your ability to gracefully surf the waves of change
• EXPAND your connections within our growing family of Gratitude
• BASK in the warmth of conscious conversations, uplifting music and Caribbean sunshine
• SWIM in a bountiful ocean of fun, joy and relaxation

You will also learn how to "step into the infinite field of YES!"

Sounds like fun to me, but I think I'll have to pass, since rates start at $1,299 per person. (If you register before November 1, 2006, though, you’ll receive a $100 discount.) As for me, as soon as it stops raining here I’m going to step outside into the finite field of grass and trees and dog poop, and slap a few "clearing" and "transformation" decals on the outside of our above-ground pool. Maybe that'll get rid of the leaves and dead bug bits without the Rev and I having to actually pick up the dip nets or the pool vacuum. I’ll let you know how it goes.

We've come a long way, maybe

Oh, my, it seems that I’ve been away from my blog for a while again. I really do have so many cosmic matters of consequence whirling around in my head (whirled musings, indeed!), but at the moment I have more mundane matters to take care of. I just can’t concentrate on the cosmic stuff today. Still, in the interests of keeping the Musings current, I feel compelled to blog, even if it is a slight departure from my usual subject matter.*


Bling head
For years now, feminists and others have criticized the Barbie ™ doll for promoting an unrealistic and unattainable standard of female beauty. Barbie’s body in particular has come under fire; her exaggerated proportions have been relentlessly scrutinized, analyzed and criticized. An article on Canada's Media Awareness Network web site entitled "Beauty and Body Image in the Media" reported, "Researchers generating a computer model of a woman with Barbie-doll proportions…found that her back would be too weak to support the weight of her upper body, and her body would be too narrow to contain more than half a liver and a few centimeters of bowel. A real woman built that way would suffer from chronic diarrhea and eventually die from malnutrition."

In response to years of criticism, Mattel went back to the lab and created a slightly more realistically proportioned doll (liver and bowels not included), but "the present Barbie doll body is still uncharacteristic of most women," according to the Barbie entry in Wikipedia. So little girls still have that Barbie-body ideal hanging over them, whether or not they are conscious of it.

But there are clear signs that values are evolving. I just haven’t been paying attention. Maybe that’s because I don't have children and rarely shop in toy stores. I do look at ads, though, and just yesterday, when I was going through the Sunday ads, an item in the Toys-R-Us circular caught my eye. It was the My Scene Bling Bling Barbie Head. Here we have Barbie without the body, but with a boatload of faux jewels and other accessories that little girls can wear and share. And in a nod (so to speak) to diversity, there’s also "Madison," a Bling Head of Color.

"Now, that’s progress," I thought. At last little girls can be liberated from the tyranny of the Barbie body, and they can finally learn to accept that it’s not your body that really counts in this life – it’s your jewelry. It’s just too bad I don’t like jewelry. Oh, well. For those who prefer an entire doll, there's also the My Scene My Bling Bling Real Gem Doll, which includes two real diamond rings – one for the doll and one for your little girl. "Blinged out and ready for fun, she comes with a big sparkler on her hand and accessories for ultra-glam occasions," says the copy on the Target web site. She also has a bendable waist, perfect for leaning over into a car and asking Ken and his buds if they want a date.

Naturally, there are profound sociological connotations surrounding this whole bling bling doll thing. For a serious and scholarly discussion about Bling Barbie and the direction in which our society is headed, click here.

V is for victory
Little girls aren’t the only ones benefiting from new enlightened ways of thinking. We big girls are seeing a lot of progress too. For example, in recent years the media, including women’s magazines, have become much more frank and open about – and even celebratory of — female sexuality. Our naughty bits, which women's mags in the old days coyly referred to as "down there," are now officially called "The V-Zone." That's much more hip, don't you think? And it's much more woman-friendly as well: instead of implying something hidden and shameful, to be spoken of in a whisper, this new terminology implies a thing to be celebrated and shouted about, if not actually mentioned by name.**

On the web site for Cosmopolitan magazine I found an article about the V-Zone that offers a wealth of wisdom about "the surprising TLC it needs, where its secret lust trigger is located and why doing the deed on a regular basis is one of the best ways to keep it healthy." Doing the deed?!? I guess Cosmo is still into cutesy prose. At any rate, just in case you were wondering, here's why women have a V-Zone (and why Barbie doesn't): "...to bring you sexual pleasure, allow you to menstruate...and serve as an exit strategy for a baby."

I didn’t know pre-born babies were capable of planning strategies, exit or otherwise. They must be a heck of a lot smarter than I thought. I wonder if we could enlist the pre-born to get us out of Iraq?

But I digress. The Cosmo piece, which you can read yourself by clicking here, offers 25 "Down-There Facts" and 3 "Down-There Myths."

Some things never change.

* Being a commentary on certain aspects of contemporary pop culture, however, today's post is in keeping with the larger theme of this blog.
** Okay, I know they say the word all the time on The View, and then of course we have The Vagina Monologues, but I'm talking about mainstream women's magazines here.