Whirled Musings

Across the Universe with Cosmic Connie, aka Connie L. Schmidt...or maybe just through the dung-filled streets and murky swamps of pop culture -- more specifically, the New-Age/New-Wage crowd, pop spirituality & religion, pop psychology, self(ish)-help, business babble, media silliness, & related (or occasionally unrelated) matters of consequence. Hope you're wearing boots. (By the way, the "Cosmic" bit in my moniker is IRONIC.)

Thursday, March 08, 2007

The sweet buy and buy

I am really beginning to have second thoughts about The Secret.* I’m thinking I have been a bit too hard on this astonishingly successful franchise, particularly in these past few weeks. And I’ve certainly been too hard on some of the Secret teachers. After all, what’s wrong with encouraging people to buy stuff, or with being really, really, REALLY proud of the stuff you’ve bought yourself? Isn’t buying stuff one of the main reasons we’re here on this Earth? Of course it is! I don’t know why I’m being such a stick-up-the-arse about this, especially given the fact that I like to buy stuff too.

And there’s no denying that The Secret has allowed many people to get a piece of that big ol’ prosperity pie we all deserve. The Secret and that other scientystical** masterpiece, What The Bleep Do We Know?!? have encouraged many New-Wage entrepreneurs to create and market some wonderful merchandise to help lift humanity to a whole new level of enlightened consumerism. And it is all based on cutting-edge scientystical research.

Many of these products have made it easier than ever to make good things happen in your life with very little effort. For example, there are temporary tattoos you can put on your body to draw good things to you. There are blessing labels you can put on your water, particularly the water that goes inside you. And you can also use Law Of Attraction principles to bless your food.

I think it’s really pretty wonderful that The Secret and What The Bleep have provided keys to amazing technologies that make it easier than ever to get exactly what you want in life. I think of how difficult and cumbersome things used to be before the key to the Law Of Attraction was revealed to the ignorant masses.

For example, I’m looking at the instructions for a " Full Moon Spell For Love," which is part of a set of "Holistic Resource" cards offered by a company called IMP. According to this spell, here’s what you have to go through just to attract the love you desire. First you have to gather a bunch of stuff, to wit:

1 red apple (preferably organic)
Pink and/or red rose petals
Red pen
Large sheet of paper
Red ribbon

The card explains that pink and red are the colors of love, so you should use these colors in your spell to guarantee the best results. And once you’ve gathered all your materials, here’s what you have to do:

  1. Write down on pink paper the characteristics you’re looking for in your love match.
  2. Hold your apple up to the Moon (it should be a full Moon), and say, "Lady Moon of sky above, grant my wish and send me love."
  3. Take your knife and use it to carve into the apple an image of two hearts touching.
  4. Sprinkle the rose petals over the paper and use it to wrap them and the apple up, with your writing on the inside.
  5. Bind the package with the ribbon, knotting it three times as you speak your wish aloud.
  6. Take the package to a natural place such as a park or the woods. Bow to the Moon three times as you walk away. You will soon find the love that you desire.

But that seems to be an awful lot of trouble to go to when you can just slap a label on yourself or your stuff and get what you want that way. Or, better yet, just ask your special Secret genie!***

To me, the most exciting message the New Wage has to offer is that you can literally buy your way to happiness and enlightenment. And who doesn't like to hear that message? Whether you’re purchasing a piece of jewelry, a temporary tattoo, a thousand-dollar weekend seminar from a certified Miracles Coach, or a two-point-something-million dollar mansion, total fulfillment really is just a transaction away.

And what’s really exciting is that there’s even an enlightened credit card you can use for many of your purchases.

But wait…there’s still more. In fact, there’s something even better than an enlightened credit card. The Universe has a blank check with your name on it! At least, your name will be on it when you put it on. I read it on The Secret web site:

The Bank of the Universe is now open!

It has unlimited abundance, available to you right now!

Actually it has never NOT been open, but only a few throughout the history of mankind knew of the unlimited abundance that was theirs for the asking.

You must believe that you can receive it, so take small steps with the amounts, if that feels more believable to you.

Place the check in a prominent position where you will see it every day!

Every time you look at the check, STOP!!! BELIEVE and FEEL that you have the money NOW!

This is followed by a link to a picture of the Universal check, which I have thoughtfully included here. I think it is so wonderful of the Universe to do this for us, and even more wonderful of Rhonda Byrne and her pals to make it available to us.

There’s only one little problem that I can see.

The check is stamped, "Not negotiable."

PS - Tonight, Thursday, March 8, 2007 at 9 p.m. EST., CNN's Larry King Live will take a look at the criticisms of The Secret. I am not sure who all will be on, but I do know Joe Vitale will be there speaking on behalf of The Secret. You can send in questions about the topic via email by visiting this link. Who knows, your question might get on the air.

* Not really.
** Scientystical (adj.): Scientifically mystical. Coined by Cosmic Connie a few weeks ago.
*** Or ask any of the Secret teachers. Call now! Smooth operators are standing by, just waiting to take you... I mean... take your order.

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Anonymous Finally Hadenuff Offit said...

Yeah, yeah. Bla, bla, bla. The Secret this, The Secret that. Please find something else to talk about. You are FIXATED.

I'll bet people leave the room when you come in, 'cause you have nothing else to talk about! Do you have any idea how AWFUL this makes you seem?

PaaaLeeeeeeeze GET OVER IT! (If I was Cher, I'd just slap you!)

Thursday, March 08, 2007 4:38:00 PM  
Blogger Cosmic Connie said...

You must be pretty busy these days, Finally, because critical remarks about The Secret are all over the Internet. So if I seem AWFUL for criticizing this glorified infomercial, I guess I'm in pretty good company.

And in case you didn't notice, I DID blog about something entirely different just yesterday. So far, no comments on that one. Could it be that...hmmm...maybe a lot of other people are fixated on The Secret too?

And you can always think of me and the gazillion other critics as gifts from Spirit. We're just helping to spread the word about The Secret.

PS - I really don't talk about this stuff too much in my real life, so people don't leave the room when I come in. And believe it or not, a few of my friends haven't even HEARD of The Secret.

Thursday, March 08, 2007 5:19:00 PM  
Blogger RevRon's Rants said...

finally -

You might want to go to whomever forces you to return to this blog and give them a stern talking to.

On the other hand, you might ask yourself if you're not just on a mission to attract violence, given your own predilection for it.

In the final analysis, so long as there are fires, there will always be firemen (and women, of course!). When the problem of magical marketing no longer exists, I'm sure the dialog will dwindle to nothing.... about the time that donkeys start flying.

Thursday, March 08, 2007 6:21:00 PM  
Blogger Cosmic Connie said...

Thanks, Ron! Of course, Finally was not suggesting that she wanted to slap me herself. I am sure she is too much of a lady for that. No, it sounded as if she'd rather have Cher do the slapping for her. But I'd rather be slapped by someone like Emily Proctor or Penelope Cruz, and I'm sure you'd like to watch.... Oops, this is the wrong forum for that. :-)

Thursday, March 08, 2007 6:33:00 PM  
Anonymous moi said...

What about being slapped by one of those angels? That would earn you some spirituality points since VC is apparently into manifesting.

ps. I sent some over here from guruphiliac to get lessons in how to become a professional manifester. I'm sure you are up to the task.

Friday, March 09, 2007 8:30:00 AM  
Blogger Citizen Deux said...

Connie, perhaps you can help me. I failed to read your blog before attempting to cash my Universal Bank check at the local Western Union.

Please send any further advice in care of the United States Federal Penitentiary, Atlanta, Georgia.

PS - Ow! I am burned by the irony!

Friday, March 09, 2007 9:21:00 AM  
Blogger Cosmic Connie said...

Thanks for the referrals, Moi. It's getting to be quite a party here! And watch for my new motivational TV series, "Slapped by an Angel." :-)

Friday, March 09, 2007 10:00:00 AM  
Blogger Cosmic Connie said...

Sorry about your troubles, CD. But obviously you attracted the penitentiary experience because you needed to heal and cleanse something in you that still needs healing and cleansing. Oh, we could make some terrible jokes here, couldn't we? But let's not. :-)

Anyway, if you'll send me some money I will send you some tips on how to manifest your freedom. The more money you send, the more freedom you will be able to manifest. But you must act now!

Friday, March 09, 2007 10:03:00 AM  
Anonymous moi said...

"Anyway, if you'll send me some money I will send you some tips on how to manifest your freedom. The more money you send, the more freedom you will be able to manifest. But you must act now!"

Connie, if you want to learn more about the principles of energetic monetary exchanges, I think the Kalki Bhagawan is a good place to start. He charges $5500. to go to India for 21 days to learn deeksha. Why the price so high? Because to get something you must give something, and the $5500 is apparently the appropriate
exchange for sitting for 21 days and meditating in an ashram. So, with that in mind, you probably could charge around $2000. a phone call for manifesting advice. Angelic slapping might speed the whole process.

Friday, March 09, 2007 11:58:00 AM  
Blogger Cosmic Connie said...

Well, Moi, as tempting as Kalki's offer sounds, I think I'll stay home, pop a Rasa CD into the player, and cook a nice Indian dinner for The Rev and me. Fiesta had one of the top brands of boil-in-the-bag Indian side dishes on sale for $.99 each, and we bought a whole mess of them. A bit of palak paneer, aloo matar, pav bhaji, some basmati rice flavored with a Chai tea bag, and crisp puppodums on the side... and I'm set.

On the other hand, this "angelic slapping" might be something worth pursuing. At the very least, I'm sure there are some VERY naughty boys who would pay lots of money to be slapped around a bit in order to attain a little...um... spiritual growth, I guess you could call it. No pain, no gain! :-)

Friday, March 09, 2007 1:12:00 PM  
Anonymous moi said...

"At the very least, I'm sure there are some VERY naughty boys who would pay lots of money to be slapped around a bit in order to attain a little...um... spiritual growth, I guess you could call it. No pain, no gain! :-)"

And, ya know, if you put a little snake oil on their asses, it might even feel better too, ,

Friday, March 09, 2007 7:54:00 PM  
Blogger Cosmic Connie said...


Friday, March 09, 2007 8:03:00 PM  
Anonymous moi said...

Connie, what is :-)?

Your Indian dinner has made me jealous. We don't have those kinds of goodies at Fiesta around here, but then again, i go to HEB.

Saturday, March 10, 2007 7:10:00 PM  
Blogger Cosmic Connie said...

Connie, what is :-)?

It's a smiley face!

I like H.E.B. too. The one I go to used to have Indian and Pakistani food too but doesn't seem to anymore.

Saturday, March 10, 2007 8:40:00 PM  
Blogger Citizen Deux said...

Depite their lack of catering to diabetics, Whole Foods is pretty good on the ethnic category - although insanely expensive! For you I recommend Rice Epicurean.

Thanks for the manifesting! I passed some energetic Benjamins to the guard and now am scott free...

Sunday, March 11, 2007 10:34:00 AM  
Blogger Cosmic Connie said...

Actually Whole Foods is a good choice. And damn the costs when you've got a hankering for Indian food!

CD, I am so glad you are a free man again. It's amazing what Benjamin can do.

Sunday, March 11, 2007 12:07:00 PM  

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