More reasons to go on living

So many marvelous events and people are whirling around my cosmos these days that I am a little overwhelmed. My email box today was fairly bursting with miraculous, mind-blowing news that the Ascended Masters have told me I simply have to share to with you. Here are just a few tidbits...

Like a bad Penny, she just keeps turning up
If you’ve been hanging around here a while, you’ve probably met Mafu, aka Penny Torres, aka Swami Blonde. Mafu/Penny/Swami, a JZ Knight wannabe who has an ashram in Ashland, Oregon, has everything a gal needs to forge a brilliant New-Wage career path – not the least of which is a penchant for speaking in dreadful fake voices. If you’re a little bored with Esther, Jerry and their imaginary pals the Abe Gang, and JZ isn’t your cup of tea anymore, give Swami Blonde a try. She usually alternates between a frowzy aging-hippie guise and a butch-blonde look, and I frankly can’t tell who or what is supposed to be speaking through her at any given time. I do know that this Mafu character is supposed to be a 32,000-year-old entity of some sort – a spring chicken compared to JZ's imaginary bud Ramtha, but still pretty bloody entertaining.

Anyhow, Swami Blonde is back. Actually, she never left, but I just received an email announcing her online home study program, "The Kundalini Blue Pearl: Ascending The Nadis." The Blue Pearl is a brilliant blue light, the size of a tiny seed, which is said to appear to the meditator whose kundalini has been awakened. I am pretty sure my kundalini is still snoozing, but nonetheless I see a tiny brilliant blue light quite often when I close my eyes, or, for that matter, when I’ve been looking at this blog too long. I think that’s probably due to the lousy lighting in this place. Stick around here long enough, and you just might get your energies awakened too. In fact, the background and images on this blog have all been specially charged to "cleanse" you as you read.*

You can check out Mafu/Penny/Swami on this video. But don’t say I didn’t warn you about the appallingly bad accent.

Out in the desert, you get more channels
And speaking of imaginary friends... I just got an email from my favorite spam email service about a "How To Channel" workshop being hosted by Florida channel Linda Dillon, whom her website describes as "a living portal for the energies of the higher realms." Her credentials are pretty impressive: "As one of the clearest channels in the world today, Linda allows the messages of Love, insight and guidance of the Council of Love to flow unimpeded. The Council of Love incorporates God Source, the Ascended Masters, the Archangels and the Unified Forces of the Outer Galaxies." That’s a heck of a lot of incorporating; I’d sure like to see the legal papers. And I'll just bet that Linda has a whole stable of really bad fake voices.

Her channeling workshop is going to be held in the Mojave Desert, specifically, in Joshua Tree, California, on May 4-6, 2007. Judging by the promo copy, it’s going to be a spiritual extravaganza:

With the support and company of the Archangels, Ascended Masters and our personal guides we will skip dimensions and jump through the portal. We will walk the labyrinth and medicine wheel; we will hike Crystal Mountain where the star ships come to refuel; we will laugh and dance around the campfire…

…This gathering has taken on a life of its own – the energy is building and calling to us. In this spectacular landscape of the high desert we will meet with our expanded sacred self; our guides and totems; our star brothers and sisters; the Archangels and Masters. And we will channel them all.

Workshop participants will also "experience" the Integratron, not to be confused with Woody Allen’s Orgasmatron. The Integratron, pictured to the left, is "an acoustically perfect tabernacle and energy machine sited on a powerful geomagnetic vortex in the Mojave Desert." Taka, the resident musician, will treat attendees to a Sound Bath, and they will also be able to "listen and channel the sounds of our souls, and we will listen to the heartbeat of Terra Gaia." And all of this will only set you back $670.00 USD.

By the way, Linda also offers a range of other services, such as chakra balancing, as well as must-have products such as Lemurian laser wands. Eat your heart out, Harry Potter.

Do Mulder and Scully know The Secret?
A while back one of the commenters on my blog asked me what I thought of the "Mulder and Scully" of the Secretron community. Or, to be more specific, "The Fox Mulder of Manifestation" and "The Dana Scully of Success."

Well, I really didn't know what to think because the truth is, the web site to which my correspondent provided a link doesn’t actually tell anything about who these people are. It does, however, state that "Mulder and Scully," like a growing number of New-Wage hustledorks, are the keepers of the real secret...you know, the one that wasn’t taught in The Secret.

Among other things, these two will teach you, "What being deeply in love has to do with your ability to manifest... the underlying meaning behind the secret mystery of 'sex transmutation' - and it's not even close to what you're thinking!"

I thought about Mulder and Scully again today because I received an email from someone named John Martel, presumably not the lawyer-turned-novelist but another John Martel altogether, who apparently has signed on as an affiliate of the mysterious duo.

I did a bit of Googling and was able to find out a little more about "Mulder," who seems to be one Barry Goss of Oregon. He says:

My overriding mission in life – the kind of purpose-driven passion that causes me to smile as soon as my feet hit the floor in the morning – is ...

To connect with energetic, outside-the-box thinking, prosperity-minded, deliberate attractors –- personal empowerment authors, manifesting mentors, and teachers of higher-learning – who have the knack to teach the so-called 'unexplained' and make it 'explainable' ... and applicable to our own personal growth and development.

Besides being The Fox Mulder of Manifestation, Barry is also "Life Champion and Chief Conversationalist" at ManifestLife.com. His partner on that site, one Mr. X, aka Jody Sachse, is the site’s "Spiritual Warrior and Equal Opportunity Enlightener."

Unfortunately I can’t seem to find any info on Barry/Mulder’s female partner "Scully." All I know is that the two of them offer a "shocking 54 minute, 34 second Talking eBook" that will teach you "the principles behind ‘The Secret’, AND the life-changing universal laws and techniques that ‘The Secret’ kept... well, a secret." According to the site, the Talking eBook is free (but with strings attached, no doubt. You'll probably get sucked into some ravenous hustledork-mail-list maw and never be able to escape).

But it was the aforementioned John Martel who actually sent me the email today, explaining, "I was chosen as part of a small group of people to get preview access to a new multimedia resource that will not only explain the principles behind ‘The Secret’ if you don't already know them... but also reveal WHY they might not be working for you the way you had hoped. And what I've seen and heard has really blown me away!"

He went on to talk about the limitations of the DVD, concluding:

Watching the DVD over and over again, in an attempt to find an ‘Ah-ha’ moment is going to frustrate you.** If you are like millions of others around the world and are ready for an inexpensive resource that WILL, hands down, take your application of The Secret much, much further down the rabbit hole*** of understanding, then you will want to check out Masters of the Secret.

… now brace yourself for this (good) tsunami of wisdom & insight into Universal laws and much, much more!

Finally we’re going to have a good tsunami. It’s about time. Maybe if this keeps up we’ll have a joyful genocide and fabulous famine as well. No doubt about it, The Secret is changing the world!

But I’m still curious about the Dana Scully of Success. Maybe she is Barry/Mulder's imaginary friend. These days, every good New-Wage capitalist seems to have at least one of those.

PS (added on April 20): She exists! I was just too overwhelmed by Barry/Mulder's overly-busy MySpace page to scroll down far enough to find her. (Is there such thing as a non-overly-busy MySpace page?) Anyhow, "Scully," Barry's partner in hustling and copyright violation (the copyright belonging to FOX Network), is Canadian hustledork groupie Heather Vale, "talk show host, author, journalist, internet interviewer." Now you know.

* Or to make you involuntarily evacuate your bowels; I forget which. Either way, you'll feel refreshed and cleansed afterwards.
**So much for Rhonda Byrne's statement a few months back that a "recent study" proved that if you watch The Secret just seven times your brain will be permanently transformed. And so much for those folks who claim to have watched The Secret up to 200 times in one week. Apparently they were just wasting their time if they did all that watching without the benefit of Scully and Mulder's eBook.
*** And once you're down that rabbit hole, don't be surprised if you run into some babbling Bleepers.