Chants occurrences

I just got a marvelous notice in my email about a new sacred chant that could be very beneficial to all of us. Well, actually, it is a very old sacred chant, but, of course, it has been newly rediscovered and copyrighted. The copyright holder is a woman who calls herself Lumari, a psychic, spiritual teacher, and author in Santa Fe, New Mexico. Lumari is graciously offering a way for us to move into "a greater personal and global healing," and to "create the ‘New Illuminated Paradigm’ that will bring more light, more freedom and awakening into each individual life and into the entire human collective."

The medium by which we can effect this New Illuminated Paradigm is something called Alawashka. In context, I cannot tell if Alawashka is a language or a goddess or something else altogether. Maybe you can figure it out from Lumari’s description: "Alawashka is the original language and vibrational source of creation…the first energy and consciousness that was brought into being to generate pure creation energy – to create in full integrity, joy and enlightenment form Source, from the Divine, from the Goddess."

Lumari continues, "Alawashka is the first language emitted from Divine Source and She reverberates pure creation energy. The time has finally come where her blessings can graciously infuse our world. Of course, it takes energy and awareness on our part to bring these new potent vibrations forward."

Of course!

As a free gift to get us started on the pathway to creation, Lumari offers her new Breath of Miracles Chant, which, she says, "reverberate with sacred energy to help you manifest special frequencies necessary for our transition and to create energies, attunements and profound understanding and realignment – also known as healing or transformation."

And as my gift to you, here is the Breath of Miracles Chant (please note that it is copyright 2006 by Lumari):

WHAL WAKU SIMA RANATTA
(wahl wah’-koo see’-mah rah-nah’-tah)
Within this wonder, Spirit love brings joyful light into my sweet soul.

MISTA MAYA MALIKA
(mee’-stah mah-yah mah-lee’-kah)
I am continually born in a breath of miracles.

THE PRACTICE:
Time: 10 minutes. 25 minutes (if you meditate with these wonderful energies)
Close your eyes.
Take a slow deep breath and center yourself. Move into a deep space of clarity and relaxation.
Hold a gentle focus on these words and this chant. Allow the energy and words to gentle fill you and carry you energetically.

THE MEDITATION: BREATH OF MIRACLES
Chant this Alawashka Sacred Chant 13 times in a row. Then, sit quietly for a few minutes and let the energies flow.

Engage in this chant . . .

1. For general healing energies.

2. To release limitations in your personal flow or perceptions.

3. Upon awaking in the morning and before sleep to attune yourself to higher spiritual levels.

4. For newborns and young children to celebrate their arrival and open new energies to their personal joy and embrace.

As you chant and meditate with these words, notice what transpires in the moment, in the day, with the people you encounter and in your life! Be open to receive the new perceptions, connections and opportunities that arise from this Alawashka chant.

So… is Alawashka a language, a goddess, a sound, or the Source of all creation? I guess the answer is yes to all of the above. But Alawashka is also – and this should come as no big surprise – the name of a book that just happens to be penned by Lumari. And it has been praised by people with some pretty impressive credentials. For example, someone named Springs Romano, Reverend and Doctor of Metaphysics – Hawaiian Islands, wrote:

It is with the passion of Truth that I can say that Alawashka is "The Bible of the Millenium (sic)." It will restore all apprentices of Spirit to fullness of purpose, truth and heart. Our search is over! ALAWASHKA leads us back to this healing place. ALAWASHKA is an inspiration and source for anyone who wishes to restore their conscious wholeness and re-align with the forgotten sound of the creative core of the Universe. Gracious Aloha to Lumari for feeling the sound of creation, having unwavering trust in Her voice and the knowing that the time for restoration of spiritual sovereignty is upon us.

Now, I have no objection whatsoever to the idea of the Creator of the Universe as a female entity, though I rather think that if there is a Creator, s/he is androgynous (or, alternatively, it is asexual). However, I am a bit wary of the complexity of Lumari’s chant. I am of the no-frills-chant school, and I think we should keep things simple by sticking with your basic OM (or OHM, as it is sometimes spelled). But even that has its hazards. Like wishes and prayers, you really need to be very careful what you chant for.

A case in point: a Worldwide OM Celebration that took place just this past Winter Holiday season — more specifically, on the day of the Winter Solstice. It happened to a group of perceptually-challenged activists in my city who call themselves DAMN (No More Ashamed Dyslexics). "We've been active as a group since 1978," says Reed Ashback Werdz, the spokesperson for DAMN. "No, make that 1987. We're a spiritually-based, 21-step program like Alcoholics Anonymous and similar groups."

Being a spiritually aware group, the DAMNers were enthusiastic about participating in the worldwide OM Meditation. The OM sound, as everyone knows, is a powerful self-actualizing vibration that contains the primordial essence of creation. In a word, it works, though often in mysterious ways. OMers often see immediate results from their Meditation. The decision for the DAMN group to participate in the planetary event was unanimous.

"So we got together on the designated day," Ashback Werdz explains. "And at noon on the dot, we began chanting."

What happened next blew them away.

"We'd gone through several rounds of chanting," says Ashback Werdz. "when suddenly we all felt a subtle change in the room, a Presence, if you will. Then all of us, all at once, experienced a jolt that felt, for lack of a better description, like two cosmic fingers poking our eyeballs."

The experience was disconcerting, to say the least. But the intrepid DAMNers, accustomed to challenges, kept right on chanting: "MMMMMMO. MMMMMMO. MMMMMMO...."

And then the Face appeared in the room.

"It was a man's face," recalls Ashback Werdz. "He had a rather stern and yet somehow goofy countenance, and dark hair worn in a soup-bowl cut. And all of us in the room saw the same image."

The image remained for as long as the chant lasted, and it gradually faded. When it was all over, the people in the group felt as if they had truly been transformed.

"For me, well, for all of us, our entire outlook has changed," Ashback Werdz says softly. "It was our own ‘Miracle on 43rd Street.’ Ever since that day, we've all been going around laughing this goofy laugh, poking each other in the eyeballs, hitting each other on the head with hammers and I guess just generally acting sort of silly by society's standards, but you know, that's okay. It's kind of strange, too, that other groups we talked to who participated in the chant were very puzzled by our experience…not one of them saw the Face that we saw. But that's okay too! Our experience was magical; it made the holidays magical for us, and the magic has carried over into this whole past year. And I'll tell you something, we can't wait to participate in the next MO chant."

So, yes, chanting works. But as I said, you have to be very, very careful.

NOTE: The Ascended Masters of the Universal Off-White Brotherhood, who hold the copyright for the OM Sound, have recently granted me exclusive distribution rights to OM Technology, and anyone participating in a public OM Chant must now pay royalties of $100.00 per person to me. Also, while participation in the global OM events has been free up to now, the Masters have told me that all future Meditations will require a $500.00 Advance Love Donation from each participant ($750.00 at the door, wherever that door may be). Send all royalty payments for public OM chanting, and/or Advance Love Donation for the next Worldwide Chant, along with a large-denomination Amazon Gift Certificate, to: Cosmic Connie / Dept. OM, care of this blog.

* My sincerest apologies to the half-dozen people who may have read a version of the MO chant bit in my BLP (book-like product), Cosmic Relief. I did not have time to think up anything truly original for today’s post, because I am in a hurry to start my wicked weekend with the Reverend Ron. Primal sounds will almost certainly be involved. Oops, TMI again.

Cosmic, yummy and hot (or at least cosmic)

Today is the two-month anniversary of Whirled Musings, and I have celebrated the occasion by popping a new profile pic up on the blog, which is about all the blogwork I feel like doing today. You will notice that I am still a little blue around the gills, a purely intentional artifact. Someday I might actually post a pic with my true colors, but for now...well, I just think the blue goes so well with the general ambience of this particular blog template.

Speaking of which, I am aware that of all the templates offered by Blogger, I chose what is almost indisputably the ugliest one. But somehow the combination of pastel dots and the dark background seemed to fit the blog's theme. I would change the background to the twinkly stars on the home page of my Cosmic Relief web site, but I don't know enough HTML, and besides, it might make the blog even harder to read onscreen than it already is. So I'm letting well enough alone.

Since I'm mostly taking a break from blogging today, I am not going to go on and on the way I usually do. I did, however, want to make note of a new book that has come to my attention. I thought of it when I was reading today's post on Steve Salerno's SHAMblog, in which he mentioned a book title he facetiously suggested to his then-agent back in the late eighties: The How-to-Stay-Forever-Young-By-Losing-That-Ugly-Cellulite-
in-Three-Weeks-Plus-I-Slept-With-Elvis-Diet! He's probably not too far off-base when he suggests that the book almost certainly would have sold. After all, the more buzzwords and oh-wow concepts you can cram into one title, the better.

And that's why my attention was captured, at least momentarily, by The Cosmic Chocolate Orgasm: Birthing The Mystic Lover In You. Though no byline appears on the cover, the book was apparently brought to us by two spiritual leading lights who go by the names of Raj and Suzanne, publishers of a quarterly spiritual journal called Way Of The Heart.

Now, with a hot delicious title such as The Cosmic Chocolate Orgasm, you'd think the book would be a shoe-in for the number-one spot on Amazon and a segment on Oprah. Alas, it does not seem to be about chocolate, nor about orgasms. But it does appear to be rather cosmic, judging from the description in the email I received:

Yes, this book is for the Mystic Lover - defined as one who embarks on a profound journey of transformation....for the love of God.

This incredible new 224 page book illustrated with beautiful photographs contains the essence of five years of Jayem’s teachings - splendid chapters on how to embrace the Mystic Lover inside of us, to find that Pathway to the Divine and peppered throughout with meditations, poems and wisdom gleaned from the key teachings of Jeshua ben Joseph (Jesus).

When they ask you, "What is this belief, this understanding, this teaching which moves you so?" No more do you search for what to say, how to explain or to encapsulate in words the feeling that is gracing your heart – you just smile and hand them this awesome collection of gemstones – "Cosmic Chocolate Orgasm" …and they will know what you are about and appreciate who you really are.

You can have your own copy of Cosmic Chocolate Orgasm for only $24.95 US plus $10.00 shipping (air mail post) -- or six copies for only $125.00 US, which includes shipping.

As for me...heck, I'm already quite cosmic enough. For now, I'll just concentrate on real chocolate and the big O, and I'm not talking about Oprah. So you go ahead and read The Cosmic Chocolate Orgasm. Let me know if it was good for you.

Not cosmic, but a bit caustic...
If you'd like to read a book whose title more accurately reflects the contents, Steve Salerno's book, SHAM: How The Self-Help Movement Made America Helpless, was just released in paperback yesterday. So turn off Dr. Phil, toss aside He's Just Not That Into You, and pick up something a bit contrarian for a change. You'll be glad you did.

The power of pretension

It has often been said that the road to hell is paved with good intentions. Actually, by some accounts the original quotation, often wrongly attributed to Samuel Johnson, was, "Hell is full of good intentions." Eventually it morphed into, "Hell is paved with good intentions." Somewhere along the line, the road was added, perhaps as a subtle reminder that the journey is every bit as important as the destination.

Good intentions may lead to hell, but powerful intentions apparently lead to paradise – more specifically, to Maui. The deal is, everything – good or bad, large or small, sublime or silly – begins with someone’s intention. Great gobs of money in a hustledork's pocket, for instance, begin with that hustledork's intention to persuade other people to part with their hard-earned dollars. And so on. Even the perennially popular Wayne Dyer knows the power of intention, and, of course, has written a book about it.

Nowadays hordes of shiny happy people, and shiny happy people wannabes, are walking around powerfully intending – and many of them (including Wayne, as often as possible) are on Maui. There is, for example, Marcy From Maui, a bubbly, enthusiastic MLM practitioner and professional self-promoter who created the Powerful Intentions web site, described as "a unique Online Community based on Law of Attraction." Marcy’s powerful intention for this site is "to have fun, condition the space of Powerful Intentions to BE the luckiest place in the world!" Apparently joining P.I. is the quickest and easiest route to success: "People who join P.I. are ‘set up’ to BE Successful. Brilliance, Fun, Luck, and Joy can’t help but rub off on them to positively raise their Vibration!"

As Marcy continues, it’s difficult to tell where her mission statement leaves off and her daily affirmation begins. But no matter; it’s the intention that counts:

PI is spreading like wild fire attracting unlimited number of ‘right’ people who collectively co-create the most Abundant and Brilliant ideas, Actions and Manifestations that have ever been experienced on this planet!

AND I am Happy, Connected, and Abundant with Brilliance, Simplicity and Ease ... NO MATTER WHAT!!!!!

It's a DONE DEAL and it sticks No MATTER WHAT!!!!!!!

What are the requirements for joining "The Community," as Marcy refers to it? She explains that members are people from all walks of life who have the following things in common. They...

• Believe in the Power of Intentions
• Were somehow "Attracted" to be here
• Want to connect with "Positive" like minded people
• Enjoy a little "Spiritual Incorrectness"
• [Are] magnetized by Abraham-Hicks and "The Secret"

"It is our Powerful Intention to create the most fertile community in the world for people to manifest their Intentions!" Marcy bubbles, and indeed, fertilizer seems to abound in the Community of powerful intenders.

No powerful intention is too large or too small to be considered Community-worthy. "Your intentions may be about anything you desire," assures Marcy. "Health, Wealth, Business, Relationships, Family, Spirituality, Community, Abundance, Travel or ‘Healing Your Goldfish’!"

And how do you achieve your desire? Here’s where the cutting-edge science comes in. Achieving your heart’s desire "is scientifically being accomplished by ‘Charging and Conditioning the Space’ of this Community in such a way that, you, as a member, are able to experience the results of your own Intentions with Fun, Brilliance, Simplicity and Ease!"

Marcy continues, "Years ago the above would have sounded like ‘airy fairy’ jargon to us. Today, we KNOW it to be the leading edge of science. We have the knowlege (sic) and the technology! We have ALREADY done it, and now we are doing it on a much bigger and expanded scale. In non technical terms this means Powerful Intentions was scientifically designed to allow people to be ‘Lucky’!"

It’s not clear exactly how Marcy ended up in Maui, but no doubt she powerfully intended her way there. Or maybe she just got lucky. At any rate, she now resides happily in paradise with her husband and son, living "in a house with a fantastic view of the Ocean, with a super boat." Naturally, she loves to swim with the dolphins.

Okay, so what if you’ve been powerfully intending, and you still don’t live on Maui, but want to? I’m glad you asked, because as it turns out, I have the real Secret: Sometimes, intending just isn’t enough. I’m not saying powerful intentions don’t work. After all, I would never discount anything that has been scientifically proven with quantum physics. But if intending hasn’t gotten you what you want, it’s time to go one step further: pretend. Pretend you have something new to offer, even if you don't. Make people think that you’re more than you are. You’ve heard the expression, "Fake it till you make it," haven’t you? Those are powerful words. In fact, it doesn’t hurt if you continue to fake it even after you make it, because why would you want to ruin a good thing? You will be glad to know that I am in the process of designing the Powerful Pretensions (PP) web site to meet the needs of the growing Community of future Maui residents. Stay tuned to this blog for more details.

Powerful Pretensions is based on The Law Of Distraction, which, as I discussed in my best-selling book The Distractor Factor, is the greatest secret never told, but practiced for centuries by some of the world’s most successful professional motivators. The Law states that even if you have little or nothing to say, you can still make people pay lots of money to listen to you if you can manage to distract their attention from your basic insubstantiality.

To do so, you may need to reinvent yourself, perhaps several times over. There is, of course, an art to self-reinvention, and fortunately there are workshops to teach you that art. The Center for Platitudinal Healing, for example, regularly presents "Re-visioning Your Public Image" and "Survival of the Slipperiest," two mini "shirkshops" that teach you how to re-create yourself. Utilizing inspiring slogans such as, "Conceive...believe...receive...and then leave!" and"Don’t tell lies...Euphemize!", these awesome shirkshops will teach you to be more than you can be, whenever and wherever you want to be or not be it.

After all, the motivational business can be tough, even ruthless; sometimes you have to totally re-structure your image, your identity and even your amazing success story so you can continue to deliver your healing or empowering message to the world. You can learn all about how to re-create yourself in this amazing course taught by one of the world’s top platitudinal heels, Wiener Ehrhead, master serial-identity practitioner and founder of ehrhead affirmation training integrated technologies (eat-it). If you’re interested, send $100.00 US or more, c/o this blog, and I’ll send you a schedule. Maybe.

See you on Maui! If you get there first, save me a coconut.

"I come from the twelfth dimension..."

Life surely is not easy for the parents of a severely disabled child. Apart from the numerous emotional, psychological and medical problems that so often accompany physical and mental disabilities, finding the proper care and support for these children is an ongoing challenge for most families. Most parents follow the traditional route of paying for what they can afford, and obtaining government and/or private assistance for what they can’t.

And then there is the type of parent who takes a more creative route: convincing folks that her handicapped child is an "Omni-Dimensional Being" who has come to Earth to bring a message of peace, love and hope to the human race. Such, apparently, is the case with a profoundly handicapped young woman known as "Grandma Chandra," described by her promoters – most notably, her mother Cat – as "a young being from the 12th dimension in a severely challenged physical body." Chandra’s "planetary rescue mission," we are told, is "to awaken as many souls as possible to who they truly are to activate their planetary missions so we may all ascend."

I just received an email inviting me to an "Ascension session" that Grandma Chandra will be conducting at The Flying Lotus Movement Center in Mount Shasta, California, this coming October 7. It is, I am told, an extraordinary opportunity to interact with Grandma Chandra and perhaps discover the "next step" on my Soul’s Mission.

Although she is only in her twenties, Chandra was dubbed "Grandma" by a Native American wise guy – er, wise man – because of her own great wisdom. That’s the story, anyway. Grandma Chandra is unable to speak, at least not in the conventional way. But no matter; she is able to "access information from other dimensions, this reality and the cosmos. She communicates telepathically and/or through a translator [Mom Cat, of course] with humans, angels, extra terrestrials and other sentient beings...as well as visits people in their dream states to work with them before they have met in the physical realm."

And even though she appears to be a person of limited awareness, we are told that Chandra is fully aware of her multidimensional nature and is able to "see" the multidimensional qualities in humans and other sentient beings. Naturally, she talks to dolphins and whales, and they to her (did you even have to ask?).
How does she do this? It’s simple, really. Chandra "operates on an extremely rare and high vibrational frequency and conducts the majority of her work non-verbally, choosing to telepath communications through members of the audience who can bring her, messages into the third dimension for the benefit of everyone."

I bet you didn’t know "telepath" was a verb, did you?

Besides her personal appearances, Grandma has a plethora of products to sell to folks who are hoping to heal, ascend, transcend, or do all of those other things that enlightened sorts long to do. These items aren’t mere "merchandise." They are "tools," and their purpose is "to enhance an individual’s movement to the next level of consciousness by awakening their codes that already exist within them but are lying dormant." For starters, there’s Grandma’s CD The Awakening Codes of Grandmother Chandra. Chandra has apparently discovered a master code in the numbers 11, 22, 33, 44, 55, 66, 77, 88 and 99. "By listening to this CD after you discover your number or numbers with intention to activate these codes, the 7 seals of the body (chakras) will open and connect with the planetary chakras taking you to the next level of Peace and Ascension." Grandma also has a CD called Whalespeak, in which she "tells the whales’ messages to humanity and how we can help. The messages are linked to the Biblical Codes of the Arc (sic) of the Covenant."

Then there’s Grandma’s DVD on crop circles. According to Grandma, the crop circles are messages from Extraterrestrial Star Beings to Star Beings here on Earth. "These messages," Grandma’s web site explains, "are here to assist us in completing our next level of conscious awareness to help ourselves and the planet. Chandra chose 33 crop circles and gave mathematical formulas in calculus and trigonometry that she says create geometry the basis of all crop circles. The ET’s are speaking to us in math, a universal language."

You might wonder how a person who cannot speak could possibly do an audio CD or a DVD. The answer, if you’ve hung around in the new age at all, should be obvious: Chandra communicates telepathically to her mother Cat, who then records the CDs. According to one purveyor of Chandra’s CDs, Maureen J. Saint Germain (and isn’t it amazing how many people these days have the surname, "Saint Germain"?), "Grandma Chandra's information coming through her Mother Cat Parenti is exquisite. Cat has an incredible and beautiful voice, speaks several languages and calls out the names of the very powerful beings with her exquisite voice." You can hear sound samples on Maureen St. Germain’s web site.

What I find even more intriguing than the CDs are Grandma’s essential oils. There is, for example, the "Self Heal One" essence, which is part of her "Soul Healing Oil" series. Self Heal One helps a person "overcome fear, anxiety, suicidal thoughts, weeping, depression, self-doubt, mental imbalance, selfishness, pedophilia and bestiality" (just in case the dolphins get a little too friendly, I suppose). This oil also "opens base or root chakra, unites masculine and feminine." And, like all of Grandma’s oils, it’s only $33.00 by the dram, or $99.00 by the ounce. What a deal.

Another tool not sold but highly recommended by Grandma Chandra is "spinning 99 times per day." This has to be done in a certain way to be effective, and, bless her heart, Grandma actually offers us free advice on how to do it. It’s really quite simple, but there are a few rules. First of all, you have to spin in the right direction. If you are above the equator, you gotta spin clockwise, and if you’re below the equator, spin counterclockwise. (We’re not told what those who are on the equator should do; my guess is that they would be best advised to just stand still and let the world spin around them.)
And then there's a matter of position. For a clockwise spin (above the equator), bring your right arm straight out in front of you with your thumb pointing to the sky. You folks below the equator should use your left arm, thumb up. If you’re on the equator, I suppose you can just keep your arms straight down at your sides, and do a Riverdance or something while the rest of us spin.

Grandma advises, "Start slowly and you will eventually pick up speed. I was recommending that people start with 33 revolutions and eventually work up to 66 and then 99 times per day. However, time has sped up and we are now accelerating on all levels so I say we must do 99 revolutions per day."

The final and most important step "to stop spinning without injuring self or others," is that, after you finish your 99th spin, "press the palms of your hands together (prayer position) and squeeze them together as hard as you can while keeping your feet shoulder width apart and deep breathing. DO NOT break this position until the room or the outside environment has COMPLETELY stopped revolving. The pressure on your palms sends messages up your arms and shoulders into your neck and head to the nerves there telling the nerves to stop spinning."

Perhaps the most fascinating tool of all is Grandma Chandra’s Attunement Chamber, described as an "omni-dimensional pyramid like structure complete with specially placed crystals." Your first thought, when looking at the picture of the Chamber on Grandma’s web site, might be, "Bad Photoshopping." But you would be quite wrong for, as Grandma explains, "This ‘blurry’ picture is part of the energy of the Chamber, the top or capstone spins clockwise and the bottom counterclockwise."

Grandma created this Chamber while in Europe, though we are not told exactly how, and she explains that it can be used to manifest whatever is desired, such as health, abundance etc. It is also an excellent tool for those who have been "willingly or unwillingly abducted by ET’s for experiments and teachings and are struggling to regain their WHOLESELVES." Grandma will have the Chamber with her at all of her presentations, including the upcoming gig at Mt. Shasta, and you can buy a series of thirteen in-person chamber sessions with her for $333.00. (Or perhaps more or fewer sessions. "The amount of sessions per person is decided by Grandma on a case by case basis.") Alternatively, you can have your own personal Chamber, which is available as a package deal along with "color therapy, an essential oil combination called the 13:13…[and the] CD "WHALESPEAK." The cost? A mere $1,300.00 US; Visa and MasterCard are accepted. (However, the Chamber won’t be shipped to you until 14 business days after receipt of payment, so I hope you’re not in any big hurry.)

Legend has it that Grandma Chandra’s extraordinary qualities were apparent from the time she was an infant. At the age of three months she was doing "mudras" with her fingers. Mudras are a series of symbolic body postures and hand movements used in East Indian classical dancing, or as Chandra’s web site would have it, they are "sacred signs for Universal Intelligence and OM." (One web site on pervasive developmental disorders mentions that "Rocking, hand and arm flapping, unusual hand and finger movements…are common" in autistic children.)

According to the bio on her web site, at the age of nine and a half, Chandra started doing spontaneous past life readings with everyone she came into contact with. "Not bound by the body, Chandra has unbroken past life recall," we're informed. I am a little puzzled as to how she communicated these past-life readings when she was nine and a half, since according to other accounts she didn't "speak" until she was twelve. The web site of the aforementioned Maureen St. Germain says, "At age 12 her therapists had a major breakthrough in developing a communications board for her to use and begin two way conversations.* Up until that time she had never spoken. She communicated with her new instrument with everyone but her mother, Cat, whom she refused to talk to. When Cat finally figured out what was going on, she had to agree to be Grandma's spokesperson. Some time after that Cat learned the messages in her head that she thought were coming from her higher self, were actually coming in from Chandra. Mother and daughter now use a shorthand to communicate very quickly. They give readings and lectures…"

Well, I suppose little details such as when and how she began communicating her extraordinary messages don’t matter. What matters is that Chandra is so "gifted." Among her many other talents, she "reads through her fingertips by spinning papers, closed books, magazines etc. She can then tell you a page in a book and how it pertains to you or someone else in the room. She does this with various spiritual/sacred books and papers when she does readings for people."

Chandra and Cat’s big breakthrough came when Chandra was nineteen, and was "discovered" by James Twyman, writer, film producer, musician and self-described "International Peacemaker" who is a big promoter of the "Indigo children" theory. Recognizing a good gimmick when he saw one, he invited Grandma Chandra to be a presenter at his New-Age Carnival Freak Show Psychic Indigo Children Conference in Hawaii. Following this conference, "Chandra began coding people as to their planetary mission and how to achieve it." Since then she and Mom have been to Sedona, Taos, Europe and a number of other spots to spread the word.

At the age of twenty, Chandra communicated that she is a twelfth-dimensional being "who has come here to guide and teach those whose codes she activates with her readings and CD The Awakening Codes of Grandmother Chandra." And her list of accomplishments keeps growing. Last year, for instance, she went to Los Angeles for a presentation at the Earth and Sky Lodge, described as a West Los Angeles Community Center for the performing and healing arts. According to a person named JB in LA, "While there she telepathed with some highly placed musicians and told them that it is time for her to create a DVD on the ‘sounds of the planets’. One of the musicians taped her drumming and said that, ‘She is drumming the sounds of the spheres according to the Pythagorean theorem.’"

In May of 2003, Chandra said that she is a "Star Gate Opener," and she began opening star gates during her presentations around the US. (In case you don’t know, star gates are "non-physical portals, gates, doorways, openings around the planet that allow only the highest vibratory Ascended Masters, Angels and Guides including Extra Terrestrials to come through to assist us and the planet to the next conscious level of Peace and Ascension.")

Alas, it seems that her numerous personal appearances and the merchandising of her "tools" haven’t netted quite enough to cover Grandma Chandra’s ongoing needs. Donations of all sizes are eagerly welcomed and openly solicited on her web site, and this notice appears on every page of the site: "As you know, Medicaid/ACCHSS does not pay for dental work. We are in gratitude that Grandma has no cavities etc. However, she needs to be completely anesthetized for her yearly teeth cleaning. We greatly appreciate any donations towards defraying this annual $1800 expense."

But I have no doubt that as time goes by, more miracles will unfold, and Grandma Chandra will continue to reveal, through Mama Cat, more new gifts and messages from yet more dimensions. The third dimension, after all, is a rich sea of opportunity. You just have to be a little creative sometimes.

* Utilizing the controversial Facilitated Communication method.

* * * * *

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Blowing in the wind

As an Aquarius,* I am an air sign, and darned proud of it. You’d think I would be a water sign, since I’m the water bearer** and all that, but that is not the way sun-sign astrology is set up. The twelve signs are divided into four elements: earth, air, fire and water, and Aquarius happens to fall into the air sign category, along with Gemini and Libra. But the air sign designation seems to fit me because I have always been fascinated by wind – not the kind of wind that Rex, my 135-pound Doberman/Rottweiler/black lab mix, is infamous for passing, but that other type. You know, the kind that cries "Mary," but is called "Mariah." The kind Cat Stevens listened to before he became Yusuf Islam. And so on.

In fact, one of my all-time favorite tongue-in-cheek pseudonyms, which I used in Cosmic Relief, among other places, is "Augusta Wend." When Reverend Ron and I attended a personal-growth conference many years ago, I scribbled the name "Augusta Wend" on my "Hello My Name Is" tag, and he wrote, "Blown Away" on his. Very few people got the joke, even when we were standing side by side. I fear that a few folks, perhaps remembering the Jeff Bridges movie, thought the Rev was hinting that he had planted a bomb in the conference hall, although of course that was not the case. He was just a man in love.

Being interested in wind, I am naturally intrigued by hurricanes, and one of my favorite Neil Young songs is…you guessed it. I am particularly interested in hurricanes when they affect my life directly, as did Rita last year when she tore along the Gulf Coast and gave all of us in the Bayou City a big scare. The Rev and I, heeding the rule of thumb, "Run from the water, hide from the wind," did the latter. We were too far inland to worry about storm surge, so we boarded up the house and hunkered down, and while thousands of our fellow Houstonians evacuated to the safety of hopelessly clogged freeways, we spent our time engaging in some of the more fun activities that stormy weather inspires.

I guess you could say the previous month's disaster, Katrina, affected my life directly too, since as a result of that terrible storm the population of my city (Houston, aka West New Orleans) grew by several hundred thousand. Of course, that’s pretty small stuff compared to the multitudes who lost their lives or who were completely uprooted by the storm’s fury. Don’t think I’m making light of their troubles, because I’m not; even an insufferable narcissist can occasionally see outside the bubble. Katrina was very bad news, no doubt about it.

So naturally, when the 2006 hurricane season began, we on the South Coast held our collective breath, particularly in light of the dire projections that this season would be even worse than the previous one. Now it turns out that we might have been overreacting. For there is, apparently, a way to tame hurricanes and even make them our friends. Speaker, author, and "business and spirit coach" Lynn Marks, aka "Phoenix," aka The Spirit Diva ^TM, has learned how to speak to storms. (I guess you could say she’s tapped into the "Third Eye" of the hurricane.) And now she is even offering a workshop that, while it doesn’t exactly teach participants how to tame hurricanes, at least properly exploits the hurricane metaphor.

I first heard of The Spirit Diva’s hurricane work a few weeks ago when Ernesto was threatening to become something pretty serious, and apparently changed his mind after he got a good talking-to from Phoenix and her followers. Now I’ve just received another message by email from The Spirit Diva herself, bearing the headline, "Tired of Living with Storms in Your Life?" In the email she wrote:

As many of you know I have this ability to converse with hurricanes. Recently 100 people joined us from across the globe for Tropical Storm Ernesto’s special meditation. And, thanks to the divine power that flowed through all who participated, along with countless others, we made a difference.

Ernesto responded positively, never becoming the hurricane forecasted. The media reported that the National Hurricane Center was "puzzled why Ernesto didn’t strengthen as he left Cuba and entered the Florida Straits." (after our global meditation)

When I spoke to the spirit of Hurricane Jeanne in 2004, the message was this: "My purpose isn't destruction. My purpose is to raise awareness, to raise standards. If anything is 'off' it will be revealed by my presence... I represent the storms of your life."

As you may also know, not only can I "talk to hurricanes," I have been blessed with a powerful inner sensing abilities to get to the heart of personal life storms, too - whether it's relationship issues, money worries, career conflicts or decisions, unexpected crises, feeling disconnected... or powerless in any way.

Apparently Phoenix and her fellow meditators could not get through to Katrina, Rita and Wilma in 2005. Or perhaps they only work effectively in even-numbered years. At any rate, for those who are ready to deal with personal storms, Phoenix is now offering not one but two "Women’s Inspiration Network" telephone courses beginning October 3. For "12 inspired weeks," you will get the chance to talk with Phoenix and a group of like-minded women. At this point, however, Phoenix doesn’t really know exactly what you’ll be talking about, since every workshop is different. As she explains,

I am Intuitively Guided in what I present in each class, based on the needs of those in each sacred circle.

The issues we'll be sensing and working with will keep changing as you transform yourself from week to week. I am able to connect with the core essence of the information you'll need to hear both in our group sessions and private phone coaching calls.

But so what if you don’t know the exact itinerary? Results are guaranteed – if you do the work, of course – and by workshop’s end you will be able to:

• See the true (spirit) meaning of your life's confusions, disruptions or crises
• Act upon the deeper messages from your personal "storms"
• Be all you came into this world to be
• Reach the next level of prosperity, peace and personal power

And much, much more.

The catch is, you have to be a woman. ("Sorry, guys, and please pass this on to the favorite women in your life," says The Spirit Diva.)

So how much does it cost? I’m glad you asked, and so is Lynn, who says, "Not much, compared with the life-long benefits of becoming your brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous self. To personally hire me would cost you SEVEN times more than your investment for this program." After which she asks, rhetorically, "Is taking your life to the next level worth the cost of 4 cappuccinos or smoothies a week?" The regular price for her WIN mentoring program is $495, but because I am either a member of her newsletter community or was referred by a friend, she is knocking off $158.00, which will bring my investment down to only $337.00. Plus I get $253.00 in FREE Bonus Gifts. I bet you could get the same deal, even though you're not on her personal friends list.

"Together," Phoenix concludes, "we can dissolve the storms of life." I wonder why the National Weather Bureau hasn’t discovered this woman. If you want to find out more, go to the WIN Workshop page on her web site.

As for me, I’m going to go have a smoothie with my sweetie.

And while we’re on the subject of things that blow…
I have just been alerted to a meditation CD called Blowing Roses – How to Create and Destroy at the Energy Level by Rev. William Duby. No, this is not a how-to book about inter-kingdom*** oral sex. (I wouldn’t even know where to look for a rose’s…well, never mind.) Here’s the scoop, from the publishers:

The science of creating and destroying at the energy level is the art of blowing roses. This spiritual concept was originally channeled by the Very Right Rev. Louis Bostwick, and passed on to Rev. Bill. The rose has had deep symbolic meaning over the ages, and you can tap into the hidden power behind the rose. This profound and practical technique of psychic energy work helps you to make room for what you would truly love to experience in your life. It is easy to clean out the old and musty wardrobe in your mental closet and clothe yourself in new mental garb for a totally prosperous you!

I guess you could say that when spirit spoke, the Very Right Rev Bostwick "rose" to the occasion. I wonder if he was a "thorn-again" Christian...**** Anyway, if you too want to learn how to blow roses, which almost certainly is safer than blowing glass, and much less troublesome than blowing a sitting President (or even a standing one), go to the "Blowing Roses" page on the Health and Wealth Inc. website.

Meanwhile, I’m off to have a wonderful weekend with the Rev, a weekend in which, no doubt, we will sip cappuccinos and smoothies at our favorite al fresco spot – where else would an air sign person hang? And if we remember to do so, we will send love and light out to Tropical Storm/Hurricane Gordon so he doesn’t stir up too much trouble. It's the very least we can do.

* January 24, for those of you who enjoy the free articles on this blog and want to give me an Amazon gift certificate for my birthday (or anyone else’s birthday, for that matter)
** Or water barer, in the backyard pool
*** "Kingdom" in the taxonomic sense
****Please forgive me; it’s been four days since I’ve blogged and I just had to get some very bad puns out of my system.

Five years after

Today, out of respect for the fifth anniversary of the 9/11 terrorist attacks on the World Trade Center in New York, I am taking a brief break from my cosmic potshots. I guess I don’t really feel like trying to be funny today. But rest assured I’ll be back tomorrow, or the day after, in full Cosmic Connie mode.

Since we in the Western world have a tendency to break our history down into decades, and therefore into half-decades, this anniversary is a particularly significant one, and people all over the world will be observing it in special ways. Most will be mourning, though some, unfortunately, will be celebrating.

It comes as no surprise that politicians are exploiting the heck out of this anniversary, a notable example of such exploitation being the partisan ABC "docudrama," The Path to 9/11, the first part of which aired last night. (I found it noteworthy that the show was presented with "few commercial breaks," when most movies on network TV are interrupted every three minutes with five minutes of commercials.) Although the version that we saw was edited and toned down, perhaps due to protest from the Democrats – though ABC apparently will not comment on that – the show still seemed to clearly communicate the idea that the 9/11 attacks were the fault of the Clinton administration. At least that’s the impression I got. Specifically, the message seemed to be that the attacks happened in part because President Clinton was so distracted with lying about getting blow jobs from a White House intern that he couldn’t focus on the obvious threat posed by bin Laden and his minions. The larger message was that he was just too wimpy to give the order to kill bin Laden.

Call me intolerant of the other side’s p.o.v., but I quit watching shortly after the totally gratuitous scene showing the two guys sitting in the limo watching Clinton’s "I did not have sex with that woman" statement on TV.

An email I received from Moveon.org a few days ago stated, "It's not just that ABC's movie is slanted. Big parts of it are simply untrue. The producer himself even admitted to simply improvising a key scene which depicts the Clinton administration letting bin Laden go when they had him in their sights—a complete fabrication." Furthermore, "….the movie's star, Harvey Keitel, said ‘It turned out not all the facts were correct.’" (Here's an interesting blog with more information.)

In all fairness, let me add that I am well aware 9/11 has been exploited – and distorted – by the "other side" too, a notable example being Michael Moore’s infamous Fahrenheit 9/11. I actually enjoyed that one, although I recognize Moore’s blatant agenda, and am aware that the film contains inaccuracies. However, the scene with W reading from My Pet Goat was priceless…

The 9/11 anniversary is also being exploited by the giants of the self-help industry (although in the case of the linked site, you have to register or log in for the privilege of seeing what Himself has to say about 9/11 and related matters of consequence). Not surprisingly, the new-age / metaphysical folks have their own take on it too. 9/11 was all part of some great karmic pattern, and/or it was indicative of the galactic shift, and/or it happened because we arrogant humans did not listen to what Archangel Michael, Saint Germain or Nostradamus had to say. Naturally, many contemporary healers and seers saw 9/11 coming, but no one would listen to them. Maybe if you buy some of their products, you can help prevent another 9/11 or something worse. The Bible thumpers, too, have their own spin, mostly having to do with the End Times.

I heard on TV that the "official" song for the worldwide commemorations today is the Beatles classic "All You Need Is Love." That’s a fine sentiment to be sure, but I think a far better choice would have been "Imagine," though of course the implications regarding a world government would make some folks nervous.* I remember the song that was going through my head all day on September 11, 2001. It was Leonard Cohen’s "The Future," the title song of the 1992 album that I think is his best. I read in a 1991 interview with Cohen that the original title of the song, which he began writing around the time of the collapse of the Berlin Wall and the disintegration of the Soviet empire, was, "If You Could See What’s Coming Next." The opening lines were, "If you could see what’s coming next / if you could read the hidden text…" That was scrapped in the final, but these lines remained: "Give me back the Berlin Wall / Give me Stalin and Saint Paul / I’ve seen the future, brother; it is murder."** The message of the song was that someday soon we'd all be longing for the relative simplicity of the "good old days" of the Cold War.

Unlike Cohen – or, for that matter, the cosmic seers and healers I cited above – I haven’t seen the future, but I have a sinking feeling that the future is now and I am just afraid to look. I may feel differently tomorrow, but I can’t say for sure today. The endless public expressions of mourning aside, and notwithstanding the crass efforts of some to exploit 9/11 for financial gain, we have all been profoundly affected in some way by 9/11. Even if, as some have argued, the attacks did not change the world, they almost certainly changed many people's perception of the world. And that is potentially a foundation for real change, maybe even for the better, although I am not too optimistic at this point.

It’s a pretty safe prediction that we will all be talking or writing or singing about September 11, 2001, for years to come. Meanwhile, if you want some serious discussion about the significance of 9/11 – discussion that goes beyond political bickering and finger pointing – check out today’s post on Steve Salerno’s SHAM blog.

* My own personal favorite Beatles song, and the official Beatles song for this blog, is "Across The Universe." Jai Guru Deva om! Or, perhaps more appropriate to one of the points I danced around on this post: "Nothing's going to change my world."

** © 1992 by Leonard Cohen Stranger Music, BMI. Here are the complete lyrics. Granted, this song is a bit "End-Timey" too (one critic described Cohen as "the hoarse man of the Apocalypse"), but, for some odd reason, I can tolerate apocalyptic musings from a Buddhist Jew much better than I can from a Christian fundamentalist.
The song that Cohen actually wrote for 9/11, "On That Day," which appeared on his album Dear Heather, was kind of a cop-out, IMO. It started out provocatively and then he just cut it off…

The family stoned

Next year will mark the fortieth anniversary of the Summer Of Love – the summer that, for better or worse, changed everything. It was the summer of "beads, flowers, freedom, happiness," to quote the lyrics of the song "Hare Krishna" from the musical Hair. It was also, of course, the summer that put LSD and other recreational drugs on the cultural map. Today many former Flower Children look back fondly on those days, while other more traditional types decry the era as the beginning of a long decline leading inevitably to the crash and burn of the American Empire.

Well, as one who wasn’t part of the hippie subculture, but who never fails to get all teary-eyed when I watch the movie Flashback, I think the truth lies somewhere in between. And I for one am grateful for the legacy of hallucinogenics, for they opened the way to an explosion in beliefs and practices that might not have been conceivable otherwise. Ideas that would have landed folks in the loony bin just a few decades ago are not only spoken of with all seriousness now, but have become cottage industries (and, in many cases, mega-industries). And to those born-agains and other folks who say the drug culture – and the ideas born of that culture – are a dire threat to family values and spirituality, I say, au contraire! Allow me to introduce some enlightened couples and families who are working diligently for the spiritual advancement of humanity.

Notice that I am not stating or even implying that any of these folks are actually taking hallucinogenics or have ever taken them. I am just noting that when the hippies flung wide "the doors of perception" forty years ago, they let out a whole slew of ideas that bred wildly over the next few decades. (Yes, I know that hallucinogenics have been around for centuries, but 1967 was arguably the pivotal year for the acceptance of recreational drug use in our culture.) Now it’s way too late to close those doors, a fact for which I am thankful every day when I open my email "in box," which is currently overflowing with the progeny of the hippies’ wild ideas.

For example, I recently received a notice about Wisdom Teacher Sri Ram Ka and Angelic Oracle Kira Raa, a husband and wife team who are reunited for the first time ever since the end days of Atlantis to be of service to humanity. They are offering to help me come back to who I am. I wasn’t aware that I had left me, which I think is precisely their point. Apparently their re-unification after many millennia has resulted in an expansion of energy and consciousness that created a direct connection with the Angelic Realms. They are Divine Oracles ("99% accurate!"), and are "gifted with the energies to offer Fifth Dimensional Activations, (and beyond), directly from the Archangels."

You have to kind of wonder how it went for them when they first met in this lifetime. For them, "Haven’t I seen you somewhere before?" wasn’t just another lame pickup line. But I wonder, how long did it take them to figure out that they’d previously been together during the burning of Atlantis? Oh, wait, that was Atlanta that burned, and that was Rhett and Scarlett. Atlantis flooded, if memory serves me. Anyway, I wonder if they figured out the Atlantis connection right away, or was it after they’d been together a few years, had been laid off from their day jobs and were drowning not in flood waters but in debt?

And when they fight with each other, do they occasionally get into the blame game, as do many couples, and if so, how far back do they go? Most couples get riled at each other for mundane stuff that may not necessarily be recent but at least took place in the present life. "It's your fault I was late for work. You forgot to fill the car up again!" Or, "You just had to get drunk and empty that bowl of green-bean casserole on my mom's head...you completely ruined another Thanksgiving!" But with Ram and Kira there's no telling. "It's totally your fault we drowned when Atlantis sank. We could have escaped, but noooo, YOU had to fart around with packing all of those mermaid knick-knacks and dried fish heads, and we missed the last boat out!"

Well, no matter. What matters is that, "as Ordained Ministers, Best selling Authors, and Master Avesa Quantum Healers, Wisdom Teacher Sri Ram Kaa and Angelic Oracle Kira Raa continue to document the teachings of the Archangels in NM." Naturally, if it’s not Maui, it has to be New Mexico. They are also "International Speakers and workshop facilitators" who "offer a rapid acceleration of your mystical development and physical wholeness. It is this magical integration that opens the door for your ability to receive and maintain true bliss." (In case you aren’t aware of it, "bliss" is a pretty hot commodity these days, surpassing even "passion" on the spiritual shopper’s must-have list.)

Ram and Kira are going to be featured at the upcoming 2012 Ascension Symposium in Santa Fe on September 29-October 1. 2012, in case you don’t know, is the year that Nostradamus predicted the world either will or will not end. Apparently if you go to the Symposium, you can help make it not end. It's only $325, not including hotel, travel expenses and a few other auxiliary events. And if you really want to experience all of the enlightenment that Ram and Kira have to sell, including an Archangelic Discourse and Egyptian Healing Rods, visit their Temple Of Self Ascension web site.

It’s one thing when couples choose to become professional healers and enlighteners together, but when you bring the kids in on the act – well, to me that is a true example of family values. Consider, for example, "Lightworker Bryan James and his Indigo/Crystal children (Kevin and Katherine James) of Galactic Federation." (Rounding out the family is a wife and mother, Lisa, but not much is said about her on the James’ web site.) The part of the Galactic Federation the James family lives in is California, where they have formed a family business they call Circle Of Lights. Together Bryan and his remarkable kids have written a couple of books, Children Of The Light and Agents Of The Federation, and a newsletter. Their mission is to teach folks how to interact with "Holy Beings like Jesus Sananda, Archangels, Ascended Masters and other galactic Lightworkers, and perform color ray healing."

Now, most parents think their kids are extraordinary in some way, but Bryan James actually has proof that his children are Indigo brats, part of the next evolutionary step in human development. For example, his son Kevin "co-authored Children of the Light and helped illustrate Agents of the Federation. He is a Lightworker of significant proportions and travels frequently to other dimensions. He's excellent at color ray healing, and has prepared illustrations of his many spiritual visions. Kevin has channeled numerous messages by Holy beings from higher dimensions (including Jesus Sananda) concerning the importance of sending Light to a dying planet. Kevin is also in contact with the Galactic Federation and supports them in a variety of missions to help restore this planet to the Light. He enjoys designing and building elaborate gadgets with whatever nuts, bolts and materials he can find. He's also an excellent student, artist, swimmer and writer."

Daughter Katherine also co-authored Children of the Light. According to her father, "She’s received numerous messages from Holy beings such as Jesus Sananda and her angels, and has also communicated with departed souls from the 'other side.' Katherine was personally taught how to send Light from Jesus Sananda, who encouraged her to freely send Light throughout the planet. In doing so, Katherine has become excellent at color ray healing. She enjoys singing, dancing, and playing piano, and is also an excellent student, artist, swimmer and writer."

Well, I don’t know about you, but that’s proof enough for me that the kids are Indigo all the way. However, I can’t help but wonder how they will embrace their Indigo-ism once they reach adolescence. If they go through the typical teenage rebellion, the results should be quite interesting. I hope they write and illustrate a book about it.

Speaking of color ray healing, the James family has a major announcement for Planet Earth. It seem that a new Light Energy is now available. "Rated 1,000 times more powerful than the Violet Flame, and sponsored by our beloved GENESH, this rarifying Light is referred to as the Crystal Iridescent Ray," explains Mr. James.

The James family also offers a Chakra Expansion and Frequency Acceleration Package. For only $199.00, you get:

• Activation of up to 8 million chakras
• Frequency Acceleration above 1,000 as per the Hawkins Scale (considered the level necessary for ascension)
• Inter-dimensional space travel at the speed of thought
• Template upgrade to Divine Blueprint

In case you’re wondering, the Template is "a manifestation magnifier that enhances our ability to create in our current third dimensional state." However, it’s not for everyone. "Participants must have achieved a level of 1,000 before they can receive the template. This level of attainment was very rare until just recently, when these energies and tools were made available to the planet."

If you have any doubt as to the authenticity of the James’ Frequency Acceleration Package, the story of how it came to be should erase all of those doubts.

On July 1, 2006, a few Lightworkers were guided to a dimension far, far away and never before reached by human beings (how we got there and why we went is another story). The beings who met us asked us why we had come.

"We're on a mission to save our planet," we said. "Can you help us?" They gave us a template that they said would serve as a major upgrade to our current divine blueprint. They said that the Earth is now ready to receive it so "spread the word."

During this process we discovered that we had activated up to our 8,000,000th chakra instead of the approximate 33 (some teach more or less) we thought were possible, and that each one opened up a new world, seemingly as large as a universe within itself.

We were then able to travel inter-dimensionally at the speed of thought, anywhere we wanted to go. In the location we received this special Template, we participated in activating it for our personal use.

Most amazing of all was the seemingly exponential growth of our individual frequencies. While the average vibration of everyone on planet Earth had been until recently holding in the mid- 200's (as per the Hawkins Scale in which 1,000 is considered the number necessary for ascension), it is now increasing dramatically due to the discovery of this new template.

Fortunately you don’t need a space ship in order to visit the James family; just log on to the Circle Of Lights website.

And finally, there is Michel Nebb, a family man who doesn’t actually seem to have a family, but talks about his children nonetheless, and felt moved to write a children’s book, The Secret Key: A Tale of Celestial Adventures for Bright Children Aged 8-98 and Their Grandmothers. The book is described as "a celestial fairytale about the Norwegian girl Gro Wise, the Dutch blue Pegasus Akasha van Tastic, the Chinese boy Tao In Song and the red dragon Yang An Strong. Together they fly to the Cabinet Beyond Space (CBS) to visit King Sun´s 12 Cosmic Ministers, one by one. This book is full of fantasy, excitement and fun. At the same time it highlights critical issues in today’s world in a tenderly enlightening way that everybody can relate to."

We’re also informed that "THE SECRET KEY abounds in wisdom and worth-while knowledge for young and old alike. And what an unforgettable animated film it will make!" I didn’t see any indication that DreamWorks or Disney had optioned this property yet, but it could be that the author is holding out for the highest bidder.

To me, Nebb’s biography is even more interesting than the book description:

MICHAEL NEBB is a herald of the emerging Aquarian Paradigm that is already profoundly changing the ways in which we see and manage our world. Michael’s background is as multifaceted as his personality, including training and work in diplomacy, business, medicine, parapsychology, astrology, philosophy and education. He sometimes refers to himself as "in permanent orbit". By this he means that he travels almost constantly, has for many years had no formal permanent residence and considers himself a global citizen of the Space Era. After two conventional marriages engendering three sons, Michael Nebb is now a free roaming soul. Gro and Song are imaginary spiritual children of his, who did not materialize physically.

For all you single gals, I’m reading between the lines here, and I just bet this guy is available. Who says there are no great single men left? All you have to do is catch up to him, wherever and whenever he may be in his permanent orbit. And you don’t even have to worry about whether his kids will like you. After all, three of them are living in parts unknown (I get the feeling, though I may be wrong, that they don't have much contact with their dad), and the other offspring "did not materialize physically." (Come to think of it, I've probably met this guy at some point during the years I've been hanging around the metaphysical crowd.)

Whatever you may think about the legacy of the Summer Of Love, one thing is certain: it was, indeed, the dawning of the Age Of Aquarius, without which this blog would have no reason for being. So all I can say is…far out, man.

Chow te-Ching

By now, pretty much everyone knows something about Feng Shui (pronounced fung shway), the ancient Chinese practice of rearranging all of the crap in your home, yard, office, car, etc. And a lot of folks in the Western World are actually practicing Feng Shui these days, or at least buying books about it. There’s even a Complete Idiot’s Guide To Feng Shui. But what if you’ve readjusted your physical environment the Feng Shui way and your life still sucks? Maybe it’s because you haven’t Feng Shui’d everything that can possibly be Feng Shui’d.

Such as your food, for example. I just got an email that alerted me to the importance of chowing down the Feng Shui way. Not only should you be paying attention to the shape and color of your food, as explained in my August 16 post (see the first letter, which discusses the new science of Neo-nutrition), but, as it turns out, you must also be cognizant of the physical arrangement of the food on your plate. Granted, once the food gets in your stomach all hell breaks loose and there’s not much you can do, Feng Shui-wise (or shape- and color-wise either, for that matter). But that’s all the more reason for taking a few extra preprandial precautions. (Sorry about the alliteration; I can't help myself sometimes.)

Actually, food Feng Shui is a lot more involved than placing your food on your plate so that your peas don’t fraternize with your potatoes, as LL CoolJ’s Captain Patrick Zevo character in the movie Toys might have put it. Fortunately, an enterprising therapist, healer and Jill-of-all-trades in Connecticut has made it easy for you. Chris Salonia has created a Feng Shui Of Food toolkit that consists of "a Placemat, refridgerator (sic) magnets, Travel size placemat, Water attachment and other assorted items." According to the Feng Shui of Food website, "This kit with its unique packaging and inspiring tools will support all people, with a desire to be a more conscious eater, aware of your body and your body’s relationship to food."

And the really good news is that food Feng Shui can even help you lose weight. That’s what the subject line on the email said, anyway.

Here’s how and why it works: "The mysteries around eating will dissolve as you develop your conscious, awareness and personal relationship to the food of your choice. This kit contains tools to help you reprogram: yourself, your body, addictive food patterns, and the food itself.

"The concept behind this thought comes from the work of Dr. Masaru Emoto, a Japanese researcher. He has shown that words and thoughts applied to water can change the frequency of the water. The human body is more than 70% water, as is much of the food we ingest. By reprogramming the foods and liquids that enter our bodies, we can also reprogram our bodies toward better health and higher consciousness."

Chris Salonia is well qualified to bring food Feng Shui to your table. She writes, "I have been working in the Therapy field for about 16 years. I began as a volunteer in the prison system, then worked professionally in adolescent treatment, in-patient and out- patient. I worked with adults and their families on issues of substance abuse, co-dependency, sexual abuse, and other forms of addiction and the related issues… I also have worked in the carnival business, publishing, film, restaurant business, and numerous other fields that I had a curiosity about.

"I have since moved on to private practice fulltime for about 13 years. I have been working out of my home, providing a safe, sacred and cozy environment to help clients explore all areas of their healing process."

Not to mention a possibly odoriferous environment, since, as Chris also explains, "I live with my dog and 4 cats, and help take care of my elderly Mom and Aunt, with their 2 cats, 2 ferrets and other assorted creatures that find their way to our home."

Chris’s education includes "traditional and non-traditional modalities including: Substance Abuse, Psychology, Co-occurring Disorders, Relapse Prevention, Hypnosis, Past-Life Regression Therapy, Yoga, Meditation, Energy Work, Sound Healing, Emotional Freedom Technique, Melchizedek Method, Sacred Geometry, Rebirthing, EMDR, and many others."

She has also been through the usual routine of addiction, recovery, spiritual seeking and, of course, therapy. "As I found the 'right' therapists, mentors, teachers, workshops and books to upgrade my personal mental software, I launched myself into a realm of awareness of the meta-physical and the quantum relationships of all things," she explains. "Everything is energy: food, carpet, rocks, water, and my thoughts and feelings...I learned about the law of attraction and attention. Where I place my thoughts and attention is what I create."

And so on.

But how, specifically, did she get into Feng Shui for food? Well, hold on to your aura; I'm getting there. It seems that for the last fifteen years or so, Chris had been rubbing her hands together and then placing them over her food with her eyes closed. She had been saying a prayer to thank the food and program herself, and the food, "to use only what serves me, and release all that is harmful."

Things really turned around for Chris when she saw the movie, What The Bleep Do We Know?. She says, "I remembered Masuro Emoto's work with water and the crystal formations from his video: how the crystals were different because of the words on the bottle and the thoughts of the participants in the study. The water was put in bottles with different words/phrases on them; 'love', 'thank you', 'I hate you and want to kill you'. Each time the water from the different bottles was frozen and the crystals were photographed. The crystals from the bottle with 'love' on it formed in complex symmetrical patterns. The words 'thank you' had its own symmetrical formations. The water with 'I hate you, I want to kill you' did not form symmetrical crystals. The words on the bottles determined how the crystals formed."

Apparently Emoto also did a study with rice in which one jar of rice was sent love by the study participants, and the other received hate. I'm not sure how these emotions were sent – by thought, the spoken word or email – but supposedly the rice that was sent love stayed white in the jar for weeks, while the hated rice turned black.

Voila! Chris concluded that thoughts, intentions and words change the frequency or energy of water and food. "This gave me the idea to create a food program that would change the frequency of myself, my thoughts while eating, cooking, shopping and our relationship to food itself. This was an important link for me in the eating right and healthy program I was trying to live. It gave me a more conscious awareness to my experience with food. I realized that this was something to share with the many who want a more conscious and healthier relationship to food. The Feng Shui of Food was born."

Apparently her Feng Shui food kit has already helped a few folks. For example, someone named Bobbi R wrote, "I have had a ‘beta’ version of the placemat for about three months now. I do not use it for every meal, only those I eat at home. Without any effort at all, except to read the words a couple of times and stick the placemat under my dish, I’ve lost 20 pounds. I can’t wait for the full kit to be available and see what changes will manifest in my life."

A self-described Holistic Health Counselor named Irma wrote, "I have been blessed by Chris’ gift of The Feng Shui of Food. The cards have been placed on the outside of my refrigerator, the inside of my cupboards and at my table where I sit and slowly digest my food. My homemade food is placed on the placemat. The prayer associated with these reminders is the gratitude of the life of abundance I am fortunate enough to live. The blessings of the Feng Shui of Food allow me to slow down, take a moment to be thankful, quietly chew my food that is feeding my body and my soul and appreciate and receive the wisdom the energetics of food has to offer me. Being surrounded by Chris' reminders has allowed the larger person, who quietly lives inside of me, become more present in each and every day. Thank you Chris for your creativity and your beauty."

I am a bit concerned about that inner large person Irma talks about, since, after all, this Feng Shui tool is supposed to help one lose weight. At any rate, you can purchase this kit through www.TheFengShuiOfFood.com. And it’s only $22.00 plus $5.00 shipping; wholesale prices are available for retailers, treatment centers, hospitals, schools and other non-profit or health oriented agencies.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go into the kitchen and rub my hands while saying an affirmation over a chub of ground beef; maybe I can turn it into a couple of nice thick ribeye steaks. And then I'm going to bless all of the food in the large freezer, and after that I'll probably rearrange it by color and size. Or maybe by its yin and yang qualities. I haven't quite decided, so I suppose I'd better read some tea leaves or coffee grounds first to help me make up my mind...

I'll see you next time. And don't forget to love your food, and let it know you love it.

Walsch away my troubles

Not too many years ago, things weren’t going so well for Neale Donald Walsch. Divorced from his wife and unable to work because of a broken neck suffered in a car wreck, he eventually became homeless. He says he spent nearly a year "panhandling for quarters and dimes on the street and living under the stars."

Like many who are down on their luck, Neale began to wonder where God was in all this. Rather than getting drunk and shaking his fist at the Lord, however, he decided to write God a letter venting his frustrations.
And guess what? God wrote back. Or, rather, God talked back, and told Neale to write it all down. Amazingly, this did not result in Neale ending up in the city jail or a locked psych ward, as might be the case with your average homeless person who receives messages from The Maker. Instead Neale’s interaction with the great I AM resulted in a book, Conversations With God: An Uncommon Dialogue. The book became a bestseller, and in short order Conversations With God 2 and 3 came out, as did several more book-length transcripts of God/Neale exchanges, all bearing the increasingly inaccurate subtitle, An Uncommon Dialogue (my apologies to the late Douglas Adams).

Now Neale was famous, and, indeed, why wouldn’t he be? Here was a dude who talked to God, asked the Deity the toughest questions imaginable about life, the Universe and everything – and God came up with all of the right answers, tailor-made for today’s spiritual seekers! That is, they’re the right answers if you’re a sensitive new-age guy or gal, or someone who’s just grown weary of the vengeful, egocentric, Self-righteous God most of us grew up with. If you’re a born-again or more traditional type, on the other hand, the answers are not so right. They’re downright blasphemous. If that's your view, no problem – there are plenty of other books for you. So please, move right along; this blog is as unsuitable for you as Conversations With God, because the last thing I am going to accuse Neale Donald Walsch of is blasphemy.

Actually, I kind of like the God in Walsch’s books. Described by some as a humorous guy-next-door sort of Deity, Neale’s God reminds me of the "Buddy Christ" introduced by George Carlin’s priest character in the great spiritual epic film, Dogma. But this just raises the question: Is it really God, or an imposter? Well, Neale was wondering that very same thing at first, so he asked the Voice that was dictating to him if It really was God. The Voice replied, as new-age voices often do, "What difference does it make? Even if everything I’ve said is ‘wrong,’ can you think of a better way to live?" Naturally, Neale had to say, "Nope, can’t say I can." And once he got his first book deal, he knew the Voice was right, Whoever it was.

Now at last comes the event that all of Walsch’s fans have been waiting for: the release of the movie version of Conversations With God. Scheduled to open in theaters across the US on October 27, the movie has already generated quite a bit of buzz, and sneak previews are being held in various new-age/New Thought centers throughout the US.

I couldn’t help noticing that the tag line on one of the pages of the CWG website is the same one used by most state lotteries: "If it can happen to him [referring to Neale, of course], it can happen to you." Oh, I suppose it’s a bit unfair to compare Walsch’s success with winning the lottery. The odds are marginally better for becoming another Walschian success story than for winning the Lotto. All you have to do is find an agent or publisher who hasn’t already tossed thousands of unsolicited copycat CWG manuscripts into the slush pile. Or better yet, call Oprah up – she’s standing by, waiting for your call even as I write this – and tell her you’ve been talking to God and wrote a book about it. Then you’re on your way.

But I digress. What does Walsch himself think about the CWG film? In a "personal message" on the movie web site he says, "I am thrilled about this movie because I believe that the messages of Conversations With God are extraordinarily important – especially the message that what happened to me can happen to everyone, and that God talks to people all the time. If you care enough about this movie to want to know more about it, please pass word of it on to others. CWG became a worldwide bestselling book by word-of-mouth. Help us do the same with the movie! Thanks!"

So consider this post my effort to do my part for Neale, who at this point needs your and my paltry promotional efforts like Ben Affleck needs to make another bad movie.

Over the past ten years, Walsch received numerous offers to turn his books into a film, and being a man of integrity, he turned them all down. So what made him ultimately change his mind? Was he finally seduced by the prospect of receiving millions and millions more dollars? Of course not, you cynic. He was drawn to the project by producer Stephen Simon, who, Walsch explains, possessed an "extraordinarily high level of artistic integrity, vision and willingness to collaborate." (Plus he was intrigued by the prospect of receiving millions and millions more dollars.)

Stephen Simon has produced films such as Somewhere In Time, What Dreams May Come, and Indigo, the latter of which was a low-budget film in which Walsch himself was featured. Indigo is a tale of the so-called "indigo children," who are either the "next level" in humanity or poster children for the next generation of Ritalin. Simon, by his own declaration, is on a journey to have "Spiritual Cinema" recognized as its own genre. He views this genre as "the twenty-first Century version of shamanic storytelling – with filmmakers as the modern day shamans, sitting around a celluloid campfire, passing down the myths and hopes of a culture from one generation to another."

Only in the case of the twenty-first century shamans, you have to pay actual money to get the myths passed down to you. Nothing is free anymore. And if in the process some of the shamans get obscenely rich, it's all for the good of humanity.

So passionate is Stephen Simon about his mission that he has even co-founded a sort of Spiritual-Movie-of-the-Month Club, touted as "The world’s first transformational DVD club." For only $21 a month you get a hand-picked selection of what one enthralled member describes as "meaningful, spiritually-evolved films." Even Deepak Chopra has endorsed this DVD club, so you know it’s the real deal.

I believe Simon is on to something. After What The Bleep?, The Secret, The Celestine Prophecy, the aforementioned Dogma, and now Conversations with God, it’s pretty clear that Spiritual Cinema is a shoe-in for the next big wave in filmmaking – bigger than Bollywood, even. Not surprisingly, the adult entertainment industry has plunged into this genre as well, and you can already find numerous "Spiritual Sinema" selections at your local 24-hour newsstand.

By the way, according to the CWG movie website, the movie was filmed over the course of five weeks "in and around beautiful Ashland, Oregon," which is where Neale lives. Coincidentally enough, this is also the home of noted channeler and JZ Knight wannabe Swami Blonde, the lady with the splotchy forehead, whom you met earlier in this blog. There must be something very holy about Ashland. I bet the real estate prices reflect it.

At any rate, Neale Donald Walsch is on an apparent roll. He continues to produce his books, CDs, DVDs and other materials, is deeply involved with his nonprofit ReCreation Foundation, which, near as I can tell, exists mainly to promote CWG, and he is one of the most in-demand keynote speakers in the world. He is now considered an expert on everything from relationships to the future of the Planet Earth. And now there’s this movie, sure to be a big hit, due in no small part to the fact that I am promoting it by word of blog. It seems there’s no stopping our Neale.

There is, however, one potential glitch in his perfect life: a recent lawsuit that could have ruinous consequences. Kept hush-hush until now,* the litigation could conceivably bring the Walsch empire crashing down.

In late August, God sued Walsch on several counts, including invasion of privacy, unauthorized publication of private conversations, and numerous inaccuracies (particularly in the volumes, Marriage To God and Temporary Separation From God). God is asking for an unspecified amount in damages, as well as generous royalties from all CWG books and auxiliary products, and 50% of the profits from the film. Since logistical difficulties prevent God from managing funds in the physical realm, She/He/It has stipulated that damages and royalties are to be paid directly to the Cosmic Connie Foundation, care of this blog. Stay tuned here for updates** on this potentially devastating lawsuit.

Meanwhile, I’m off to buy a lottery ticket. God told me to. At least I’m pretty sure it was God, because when I asked my Buddy Christ Bobblehead if it was, he nodded and gave me the thumbs-up. Hey, I've got it made.

*And, it might be argued, it’s hush-hush even now, since only three or four people read this blog, and they’re not talking. Sorry, Neale; I guess you’re going to have to rely on other everyday folk for your movie’s publicity blitz after all.
** If I feel moved to provide them.

* * * * *

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