Whirled Musings

Across the Universe with Cosmic Connie, aka Connie L. Schmidt...or maybe just through the dung-filled streets and murky swamps of pop culture -- more specifically, the New-Age/New-Wage crowd, pop spirituality & religion, pop psychology, self(ish)-help, business babble, media silliness, & related (or occasionally unrelated) matters of consequence. Hope you're wearing boots. (By the way, the "Cosmic" bit in my moniker is IRONIC.)

Wednesday, August 16, 2006

I'm from the cosmos, and I'm here to help

Once in a while, even though it goes against my very nature, I feel I have to get serious on this blog. I believe I have an obligation to reach out and give back to the community that has given me so much.

Being a cosmic sort, I naturally get a lot of mail from spiritual seekers everywhere.* Some of these people just have questions about various metaphysical matters; some are deeply troubled. But all of them have a few traits in common – traits such as extraordinarily wide-open minds (I’m talking REALLY wide-open minds); the ability not just to suspend disbelief but to expel it for life; and, of course, the willingness to attend seminars. I cannot turn these people away, especially since I am continually researching the very matters they ask about. The truth is that I am just full of information.** And so I’d like to share a few recent letters with you, along with my replies.

* * * * *

Dear Cosmic Connie:
I had some stains in my aura, so my reader sent me to a specialist who claimed to do aura cleansings. But when I went back to my regular reader afterward, she told me that the stains were still there, and that furthermore the colors in my aura had all run. Help!

Maria Magenta
Ratt Sass, MS

Dear Maria:
Well, I guess that will teach you to screen your specialists a little more carefully in the future. But there’s good news: a correction in your diet could help you. This may seem like an indirect way to address the problem, but you are, after all, what you eat, and your aura is what YOU are. That’s why it’s called an AURA. And in all probability those stains in your aura were food stains, caused by an imprudent diet. Fortunately there’s an amazing little-known modality called Neo-nutrition that just might be able to solve your problem. I wrote about this technology several years ago, and I was pleased to learn that it is finally gaining acceptance among healthcare practitioners. I recently spoke with Ann N. Seffalee, C.Nd., one of the few Certified Neo-dieticians in the US.

"Essentially," Dr. Seffalee told me, "Neo-nutritional theory centers around two principles: nutrimorphics and nutrichromatics. What that means, in a nutshell, is that the shape and color of the food you eat are even more important than the so-called ‘nutritional’ value criteria espoused by the paleo-nutritionists. That may seem odd to you if you consider it with your limited ‘rational’ mind, but your intuition will tell you it is true. Listen to that inner voice!"

I nodded. So far, this was making sense to me, though I suspected that Dr. Seffalee was about to get pretty technical pretty fast. And I was right. "Let’s talk about nutrimorphics, or the study of the shape of food, first," she said. "The core concept in nutrimorphics is nutrigeometrics, which, simply stated, is the application of sacred geometry theory to the food we eat."

Seeing my puzzled look, she smiled and continued, "For example, the sphere is the universal sacred symbol of wholeness and perfection, right?" I nodded. Everybody knows that. "Therefore," she said, "it is only logical that to lead a truly wholistic and spiritual lifestyle, we must include as many spherical foods in our diet as we possibly can. Not only does this encompass foodstuffs that are naturally spherical, such as oranges, cantaloupes, grapes, Brussels sprouts, etc., but it also includes contrived spheroids such as Swedish meatballs, donut holes, matzo balls and even gum balls – provided, of course, that the proper color mix is observed."

My eyes widened. And I felt the hair on the back of my neck stand up as she continued, "The ellipse is another important life symbol, which is why it is essential to include chicken eggs and other elliptical food in one’s diet every day, preferably several times a day."

Now it was all beginning to make sense. My hands were shaking from excitement over this new information.

"Of course," Dr. Seffalee said, "I’ve only touched on the surface of nutrigeometric theory here, and I haven't even mentioned the more complexly shaped foods – croissants, corkscrew pasta, chocolate-covered insects, etc. – but I hope that gives some idea of the importance of nutrimorphics in our diet."

Well, she had certainly impressed me. My head was spinning, but there was more, much more. What she said next blew me away.

"The second major aspect of Neo-nutrition," Dr. Seffalee said, "is nutrichromatics, or food color theory. While the old nutritional theory does acknowledge principles such as the importance of eating green or yellow or purple vegetables and fruits, it misses the mark when explaining the reason behind the principle. The truth is that the vibrational properties of a food's color are far more important than its ‘nutrient content.’ That means you can even eat moldy food, provided that the mold is the right color to help correct your own personal imbalances."

My head was reeling with this new information, but I realized that what she said made a lot of sense. And it probably will to you too, or at least to those of you who are color therapists, for you of course understand the interplay of colors and vibrational influences.

"While I really don’t have time here to delve into the complexities of nutrichromatics," Dr. Seffalee continued, "I will state one important principle: the most perfect foods are white foods, because white contains all of the colors in the spectrum. Therefore, be sure your diet includes plenty of milk, white eggs (especially the whites, of course), instant mashed potatoes, white sugar, vanilla ice cream, white gravy, shredded coconut, and of course, white bread. These are the foods approved and endorsed by The Great White Brotherhood."

Dr. Seffalee told me that Neo-nutritionists are also trained in the science of chakra balancing through ingestion of properly colored foods. "And some C.Nd.'s, such as myself, have special certification in food aura therapy," she added. "I can perceive the aura around foods, which is very important because in certain cases the aura provides vital information about the food's value that cannot be gleaned through the shape or the normally perceived color. Luckily, I sell a complete line of Ortho-auric nutritional supplements, which you can apply to your food to automatically correct any auric imbalances."

Dr. Seffalee repeated that she had of necessity only skimmed the surface of this complex nutritional discipline; it takes weeks of intensive training to become a Certified Neo-dietician. "If anyone wants to learn to apply these important tools to their own life, I suggest they make an appointment with me for a complete consultation," she said. "After you fill out a detailed questionnaire and I perform a thorough chakra checkup and light-body analysis on you, I will be able to fashion a custom diet plan that will allow you to take full advantage of the universal principles of shape and color. My consultation fee is only $600.00 per half hour, minimum time one hour."

Dr. Seffalee is also available for speaking engagements, and her Neo-nutrition workshops are always a big hit. For more information, call: Ann N. Seffalee, C.Nd.: 1-555-4-NEO-NUT.

* * * * *

Another curious soul wrote me this letter recently.

Dear Cosmic Connie:
I’ve been learning a lot about metaphysics and I am particularly interested in the centers of energy in the human body known as "
chakras." These centers correspond to various locations on the body: the naughty bits, the spleen, the solar plexus, the heart, the throat, the brow, and the crown. I understand that each chakra has its own vibration that’s associated with a particular color, number, musical note, etc. Here’s my question. I was always taught there were only seven chakras, but now some of my edge-thinking friends have been telling me that an eighth chakra has recently been discovered. What is it, where is it located, and what is its color, number and note?

Tara Gahn
Dog Run, ND

Dear Tara:
Your "edger" friends are absolutely right. There is an eighth chakra: the prosperity chakra, more commonly known as the "wallet chakra." You may be surprised to learn this, but recent studies have shown there may be up to twenty or more chakras. We’re learning more about the chakra system every day as edge thinkers develop amazing new technologies to access these vital energy centers. The wallet chakra is located near the naughty-bit chakra in men and the purse chakra in women. Its color vibration tends to be a subdued but lovely greenish hue. Its numeric vibration varies from person to person, but generally speaking, larger denominations numbers are indicative of more highly evolved people. Its optimal note is a C-note.

There are, as implied above, many new technologies to access this chakra, but perhaps one of the most effective is a process called "Circles of Cash." Now this is going to get sort of technical for awhile, but bear with me.

Using a unique technology called Meta-Fiscal Harmonization, those who are trained in the Circles of Cash process learn the profound paradox of life, which is that "You can’t have it until you give it away." Meta-Fiscal Harmonization is the technology which allows a person to rapidly and easily part with his or her money in order to receive a greater reward. It utilizes a numeric code language entered at strategic points on a person’s "energy field," which is the technical term for "bank account." Through a complex procedure, illustrative of the basic principle that matter is neither created nor destroyed, but merely relocated, monetary units are transferred from one individual to another.

This will correct any negative energy patterns in the individual’s life, while at the same time rectifying any monetary deficits in the Circles of Cash Master’s own energy field.

As it happens, I am a Circles of Cash Master, so if you want to correct your negative energy patterns, or lighten your overburdened wallet chakra, I will be glad to help you. Simply send me all of your money, care of this blog, and while you’re at it, encourage as many of your friends as possible to send me all of their money as well. Then sit back and be prepared for me to experience wondrous changes in my life.

* * * * *

This concise letter came to me just last week.

Dear Cosmic Connie:
I think I may be suffering from Chronic Death Syndrome, or C.D.S. What should I do?

Sara Bellum
Hornswoggle, Oklahoma

Dear Sara:
The problem could be that you’re living in Oklahoma. Try moving to another state first, and if you continue to suffer from C.D.S., I suggest affirmations. The most wonderfully effective affirmations I’ve ever seen come from the works of Ouisie Lay, author of the perennial best-seller, YOU CAN HEAL ANYTHING. In this book, Ouisie presents a long list of physical challenges and helps us understand the emotional and spiritual causes behind them. She then gives us a special affirmation, or Healing Thought Pattern, as Ouisie likes to call them, for each challenge.

Your problem, Sara, is addressed very beautifully by Ouisie. According to her, the core spiritual cause of Death – whether it is Chronic Death Syndrome or Acute Death Disorder – is "fear of, or lack of belief in, life." She offers this Healing Thought Pattern: "I ecstatically and lovingly choose to embrace Life. It is safe to not be dead."

I hope that helped you. You may also be pleased to know that Ousie has recently released her latest book of healing meditations. The meditations are printed backwards so you can read them while you are doing your mirror work.

* * * * *

Well, that’s it for the mail bag this time around. I hope I was able to help some of you.

Thank you, and Love and Light to You All.

~ CC

* Not really. I’m just making all of this stuff up. I really don't get any mail like this. In fact, today's post is recycled tripe; pretty much all of it was in Cosmic Relief. I am just feeling a little lazy today. Once again I must apologize to the few of you who may have actually read CR, and the even fewer who may have attended one of my book signings in the previous millennium. And by the way, nothing I have written here differs very much at all from stuff that can be found in metaphysical-type magazines, web sites, etc., or even from the info offered by such nutritional and health experts as Kevin Trudeau, whose books, amazingly, are still selling briskly. So all of the information here is, indeed, based upon solid research.

** Or full of something, anyway.

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2 Comments:

Blogger kyra said...

This was absolutely delightful.

"the ability not just to suspend disbelief but to expel it for life." Brilliant line. I will be affirming "I ecstatically and lovingly choose to embrace Life. It is safe to not be dead" every morning for the rest of my life. I hope Lay also has an affirmation for a hangnail.

Monday, March 14, 2011 8:14:00 PM  
Blogger Cosmic Connie said...

Thanks, Kyra. Some time soon I'll post the entire Ouisie Lay piece I did for Cosmic Relief. As I recall, Ouisie didn't have anything for hangnails but she did have affirmations for conditions such as blue balls and big hair.

Monday, March 14, 2011 8:18:00 PM  

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