Whirled Musings

Across the Universe with Cosmic Connie, aka Connie L. Schmidt...or maybe just through the dung-filled streets and murky swamps of pop culture -- more specifically, the New-Age/New-Wage crowd, pop spirituality & religion, pop psychology, self(ish)-help, business babble, media silliness, & related (or occasionally unrelated) matters of consequence. Hope you're wearing boots. (By the way, the "Cosmic" bit in my moniker is IRONIC.)

Tuesday, September 11, 2007

If it’s Tuesday, this must be Snipe Day


Actually, any day that ends in "y" is a snipe day here at Whirled Musings. But I had to think of a title for this post, so there you are. In case you are too young to understand the reference (or in case you did too many, or not enough, drugs in your youth and mucked up your memory), here it is.

Okay, on to the important issues of the day.

Everyone knows it’s windy
As you probably know if you’ve been hanging around on my Whirled for a while, there is a Florida lady named Lynn Marks, aka the Spirit Diva, who
channels messages from hurricanes. She has spoken to such well-known hurricanes as Rita and Wilma in 2005, and has been in close communication with the MVP’s in this hurricane season. Lynn says we should all try to understand hurricanes, which are actually kindhearted beings who just need some love. Lynn has learned that they really don’t mean to hurt us; in fact, they’re here to teach us. Even though most of the storms she’s talked to have caused loss of lives and property, Lynn believes that the hurricane meditations she leads – as well as the efforts of other hurricane communicators – have helped prevent the storms from inflicting even more damage.

And I think we should all be profoundly grateful. But wouldn’t you know it – some people are just never satisfied. Lynn and her friends have done their work so well that Tropical Storm Gabrielle (the 2007 version; there have been other Gabrielles) couldn’t even organize herself into a hurricane. You’d think that the folks in the Carolinas would be thankful for Gabrielle's ditziness and lack of organization. But noooooooo….now they’re griping because much of North Carolina is in a drought, and they could use a little bit of rain. They were sort of hoping Gabrielle would oblige – not flood them or kill them or anything like that, but just water their plants.

But Gabby was, for the most part, a major disappointment. According to an AP story by Mike Baker, "Other than some inconvenient wind, road flooding and a bit of welcome rain, Gabrielle left tourists and surfers largely unimpressed." So I suppose that people are going to be blaming the Hurricane Diva.

Sigh… Lynn just can’t win.

Doctoring up your credibility
Last spring (or fall, if you live in That Other Hemisphere) I wrote about how excited I was regarding
the prospect of obtaining some advanced phony degrees in order to increase my credibility. Well, as usual, I sat on my butt for several months and did nothing about it. I was too busy with my day job and other matters of consequence. Now here it is, almost fall (or spring, for you Other-Hemispherians), and darn, I’m still un-doctorated.

Part of the problem is that there are just so many choices facing the person in search of a made-up education. There’s such an amazing variety of programs and price ranges that it is easy to get overwhelmed.

Yet there’s no denying that an advanced degree or two pays untold dividends, credibility-wise. And that very often means money in the bank for you. In short, why just be Mr. (or Ms.) Amazing when you could be Dr. Amazing?

There are several ways to go about getting your advanced degree. If you are thinking of bilking people making money in the burgeoning New-Wage industry, you could obtain a degree or two from a prestigious metaphysical diploma mill University. In my March blog post I discussed several of these, but I failed to mention one of the original and absolutely most prestigious Meta-U’s, The University Of Metaphysics in Sedona, Arizona.

This is a highly regarded University that counts among its recent graduates "Dr." Della Reese-Lett. The University of Metaphysics web site describes her as "A Doctoral Degree Graduate Of Our University System Honored With A Lifetime Achievement Award For Her Contributions To The Spirituality Of The Planet by Conducting Her own Ministry Of Many Years, While Contributing Through Such Roles As Touched By An Angel."

Some of the doctoral degrees offered at The University of Metaphysics are:

• Doctor of Metaphysical Science, Msc.D. Good for anyone who wishes to deal with all areas of Metaphysics, i.e. teaching, counseling, healing, and ministry.
• Doctor of Metaphysical Counseling, Mc.D. Good for anyone wishing to concentrate on one-to-one counseling from a metaphysical viewpoint.
• Doctor of Ministry, D.Min. Good for anyone wishing to be a minister conducting his/her ministry more in a church-type setting. Specialties are available in various aspects of ministry and are noted on the degree. Choices include New Thought Ministry, Holistic Counseling Ministry, Pastoral Counseling and Holistic Ministry.
• Doctor of Divinity, D.D. Good for anyone who wishes to do a great deal of spiritual teaching. Specialties are available in Pastoral Counseling or Spiritual Healing.
• Doctor of Holistic Ministry, Mh.D.® Good for anyone who wishes to have a more holistic oriented ministry emphasizing the whole person and health-based on a blending of body, mind, and Spirit.
• Metaphysical Hypnosis, Mhyp.D.® Good for anyone who wishes to specialize in teaching self-hypnotic techniques as a means of reprogramming positive spiritual truth and as a method of release into higher meditational consciousness. The awarding of this degree does not give one the legal right to practice hypnotherapy—but rather a person with ministerial ordination that specializes in doing pastoral educational counseling or teaching in the spiritual uses of selfhypnotic practices. A cassette tape of hypnotic induction for self-hypnotic conditioning should be submitted with the Doctoral Dissertation.
• Metaphysical Psychology, Mpsy.D.® Good for anyone specializing in educational counseling, teaching, writing and ministry on how to apply higher metaphysical spiritual truth to improve life, love, success and happiness. The awarding of this degree does not give one the right to practice as a psychologist, but rather signifies a person with ministerial standing versed in the psychology of metaphysically oriented pastoral counseling.
Biblical Interpretation, D.D. Good for anyone who wishes to specialize in teaching and writing about penetrating the symbolism of The Bible to uncover spiritual truths for spiritual reawakening and life improvement.

And so on. You’ll note that several of the credentials are registered trademarks of the University of Metaphysics. To paraphrase something I remember reading on someone else’s blog (I wish I could remember whose), nothing says "credibility" like a degree followed by an ® sign!

At any rate, I’m sure you’ll agree that the University of Metaphysics has a pretty impressive doctoral program.

"But, Cosmic Connie," you may be saying, "I heard that The University of Metaphysics is not accredited!"

To which I reply, "Accredited, schmaccredited! Accreditation is just an arbitrary tool employed by the mainstream establishment. It has nothing to do with Truth, which, after all, is what Metaphysics is all about."

To which you might respond, "Then why even bother with that whole ‘doctorate’ affectation, which is part and parcel of the oppressive mainstream-education bias?"

And I would answer, "Because, let’s face it, if you put ‘Dr.’ before your name, people are impressed. They think you know a bunch of stuff. And they are more likely to give you money."

How can you argue with that? Money is money, whether it comes from a member of the stuffy mainstream establishment or the far more open-minded New-Wage realm.

And if you are persuasive enough, very few people are going to check out your credentials before they hand over their hard-earned money to you.

I should caution you about some apparent disadvantages to matriculating at the prestigious University of Metaphysics. For example, at about $4,500.00 the cost for a doctorate may be a little out of your budget, although the University is offering a scholarship of sorts through September 15. And there is another possible drawback, which I discovered after many minutes of perusing the site: it appears that in order to acquire your doctorate you might have to do some actual "studying" and even write a "dissertation." In other words, it might take a little more than a valid credit card number and a few mouse clicks.

If actual studying and dissertating are not your bottle of Blue Solar Water, I suppose you could simply start calling yourself "Dr." Whoever, and probably very few of your marks would question it. But at some point your conscience (remember that?) might start to get the better of you. Or there might even come a time when some person of little faith will question your credentials. If you're outstandingly rich and famous, you can thumb your nose at such questions, as did Mars-and-Venus guru "Dr." John Gray a few years ago. But snootiness simply doesn't work for most people, and may turn your audience off. That's why you would be well advised to have an authentic fake degree, and some genuine phony documents to back it up.

Well, I’ve found an online University that offers advanced degrees and documentation – including "transcripts" – for a very reasonable price. And it's not just limited to metaphysics. Even better, this one is accredited, at least by a couple of organizations that accredit online Universities that offer advanced degrees for a very reasonable price.

The institution of higher earning I have in mind is Belford University, where you can get everything from a high school diploma to a doctorate based upon your life experience. For example, if you believe you have sufficient life experience to qualify for a doctorate in something or other, you can purchase it for only $549.00 US from Belford. Here’s what it says on the web site:

Students seeking admission in our online Doctorate degree program are required to have at least 8 years of work or life experience relevant to their desired major. For those students who do not have enough experience, Belford University provides the flexibility to submit a Doctoral Thesis relevant to the major they are interested in.

If you want to get your PHD degree online on the basis of prior life experience, the eligibility requirements for a Doctorate degree may be satisfied in any of the following ways:

• Prior job experience in any field
• Previous educational achievements
• Employer-sponsored training and attendance of workshops
• Participation in organizations, both professional and non-professional
• Personal goals, lifestyle, hobbies, and travel
• Participation in volunteer activities and community service
• Independent reading, viewing, listening or writing

If you have the required work or life experience, click below to apply for a work experience college degree in your desired major and get it in just 7 days!

The complete doctorate degree package costs only $549 with free shipping.

The package includes the following documents:

•1 Original Accredited Life Degree
•2 Original Transcripts
•1 Award of Excellence
•1 Certificate of Distinction
•1 Certificate of Membership
• 4 Education Verification Letters

If you don’t have enough life experience to qualify for a doctorate, you can also submit a doctoral thesis. But they make it easy for you to do so. And I sort of have a feeling that they grade on a curve, if you know what I mean.

So, provided you have at least eight years experience in something – and a valid credit card that is not maxed out – there really is no reason not to have a Ph.D. or two any more. In fact, I am willing to bet that you don’t even have to be a human to get your degree, as long as you are attached to a human who has a usable credit card. You know what I’m thinking, don’t you? That’s right: I’m thinking that Rex The Farting Dog, the 135-pound Rottweiler/Doberman/Black Lab mix who allows the Rev and me to share his home, could qualify for a doctorate in Methane Gas Production. This is provided that Belford offers one – but I have a sneaking feeling they will award just about any sort of doctorate if you have $549.00.

I believe Rex would qualify for his doctorate based on life experience alone. He is a little over eight years old and has been actively producing all of his life. If he doesn’t qualify based on experience, however, I will gladly help him with his dissertation, just for the added prestige it will bring to our business. At the very least, I am thinking that with my help he can get his Barkalaureate Degree.

Meanwhile, of course, I’ll also be busily purchasing a doctorate or two for myself and the Rev, and then we’ll be set. With our new degrees, we will be even more impressive than ever, and we can raise our ghostwriting, editing and book design fees accordingly. I’m already planning the promotional campaign:

Reverend Dr. Ron and Dr. Connie…
So smart that even their dog has a degree.

All bottled up
Speaking of Blue Solar Water, if you’ve been making it and drinking it, but you still haven’t seen any positive effects, maybe you need to fall back on the teachings of "Dr. Water" himself,
Masaru Emoto, author of several books about water and the things it has to say to us. I recently received a message from my favorite email spam service, advertising a company called Bottles of H.O.P.E. The acronym stands for Heal Our Planet Earth. Catchy, huh?

Bottles of H.O.P.E. has created a series of designer water bottles inspired by Dr. Emoto’s research (which, as you may recall, got the What The Bleep folks so fired up). These bottles work on the same principle as the Water Blessing Labels I’ve written about previously.

Dr. Masaru Emoto's research demonstrates that water is affected by the energetic frequency of words, thoughts, music and prayers. In fact, when water was exposed to words carrying positive energies contained in such words as Love, Peace, and Gratitude, the water — when frozen — formed beautiful crystals. By contrast, when it was exposed to negative words either no crystals were able to form or — if they did — they were deformed and misshapen. This result strongly suggests that all water is affected by both positive and negative thoughts and words as well as by music and prayers. Since our bodies are made up of 70% water, this suggests that our bodies are also physically affected by the kinds of words, thoughts, music and prayers they have been exposed to.

The Bottles of H.O.P.E. are only $12.00 each, and each one bears a powerful word that will impart good vibes to your water, and then, according to the web site, you can fill your body with the frequency of whichever words you’ve chosen. Among them are words such as "Peace," "Love," "Truth," and "Dolphin."

Dolphin?!? Yes, and here’s why, according to the Bottles of H.O.P.E. web site:

Many people ask me "Why Dolphin?" Everyone loves Dolphins and I do not know anyone who does not immediately smile when they see a Dolphin or even a picture of a Dolphin. By seeing a Dolphin they make us feel good. Dolphins live in close family groups, communities called pods. They take time out every day to Play, Love each other and live in complete Joy. They also live in complete Flow with their environment and are surrounded by Abundance. To drink your water out of a bottle with Dolphin on it is to energize your water to the frequency of Play, Love, Joy, Family, Community, Flow and Abundance all in one bottle!

It really pains me to have to rain on the dolphin-lovers’ parade, but I feel obligated to remind y'all, once again, that dolphins hate humans. So do whales. And I have scientific proof.

So maybe it would be better to stay away from the Dolphin bottle, unless you want to learn to hate yourself – in which case, go for it!

And that’s it for this Tuesday's snipefest. I’d probably better get back to work. See you next time!

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3 Comments:

Anonymous Blair Warren said...

Connie,

Another great post!

I especially love the idea of getting a degree for Rex. In fact, this probably wouldn't be a bad side business.

You could start a degree-mill, I mean online University, especially for dogs, cats, ferrets, goldfish, you name it.

Since many in the New Wage world are also animal lovers, they'd likely jump at the chance to give their pets something special.

Just imagine...

For the pet who has everything.

Or maybe...

Don't just take your pet to the doctor. *Make* your pet a doctor!

Or even...

Nothing says 'I love my pet' like a doctorate degree.

The possibilities are endless. And think how much more wealth our pets could attract with this kind of credibility.

Maybe it's true after all. Anything IS possible.

Tuesday, September 11, 2007 11:14:00 PM  
Blogger Cosmic Connie said...

Thanks, Blair! Your support and encouragement are always appreciated. Rex appreciates it too.

I just enjoyed a lovely moment with Rex, in fact. Ron got up before I did, as he usually does, and Rex got up with him, as *he* usually does, but then Rex decided he wanted to go back to bed a while because it's raining cats and .... well, you know... in Houston today. Rex hates rain. I guess he thought it was a good day to sleep in.

When I was finally almost ready to get up, I reached over to Rex, who sleeps on the floor on Ron's side of the bed. I put my hand on his back and lovingly stroked him. What a cool dog, I thought, as I often do. In response, he sighed out of one end and hissed loudly out of the other (yes, sound effects generally accompany his...um..."production").

Unfortunately, the end that hissed was located closer to my nose than the end that sighed. But within moments this point was moot, as an odor filled the room -- reminiscent of agitated skunks holding a broccoli cook-off in a swamp. Or of certain areas of Bellaire/Southwest Houston before the waste-management plant was remodeled. What a way to start the day!

Maybe I need to clean on it. And maybe you do too, Blair, now that you know about it. And everyone reading this should probably clean, clean, clean as well. Do some tapping too. With enough cleaning and tapping, it should be safe to go back into the bedroom by noon.

In any case, my boy Rex has definitely earned his degree.

But I do like your idea of an online degree mi... er... University for pets. It only seems logical. After all, if animals can be registered to vote, and if they can get credit cards in their name, why not a degree? I'm on it!

Wednesday, September 12, 2007 10:05:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

The article is about the "phony" degrees that are "so easy" to obtain. Okay... I am willing to buy into that from the "authority" who wrote the article. The only trouble is that these "phony" degrees will get you knocked out of any Pell Grant if you apply for one that will get you into a tech school. They may not be "accredited" but they are certainly recognized. Furthermore, these degrees are theological, not academic, and clearly state they are. You cannot give a school an accreditation if it's based on Theology. Dr. Billy Graham, who is one of the most praised "doctors" in the world of religion, has only an earned Bachelors degree in anthropology from Wheaton College. George W. Bush has a Doctorate from Yale.. but he never earned it.. it's honorary... so which is more of a "doctor"? Lastly, I would like to say if these "phoney" doctorates are so damned easy to obtain, why is it that NOT ONE of those who criticize them has ever earned one? Perhaps because they are so "worthless"? Yeah, I thought so.

Friday, May 16, 2008 6:39:00 AM  

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