Naked New Year

I was feeling kind of beat up as the old year ended, having faced a deep personal loss that I’m not quite ready to blog about yet (and may not do so in this forum, since it somehow seems not quite appropriate). I decided that it might be therapeutic to get back to snarking as soon as possible.

I didn’t go out looking for anything snarkworthy, mind you; I rarely do. The snarkworthy things always come to me, and are still coming, despite the fact that I have apparently been abandoned by my favorite New-Wage spam service. I kinda miss that spam, but nevertheless the ethers are still buzzing with succulent snark targets. I’m like a lizard on a rock in the sun, just waiting for a juicy bug to fly within reach so I can stick out my snarky little tongue and… well, okay, not a perfect metaphor (or analogy, or simile, or whatever the heck it is). But you get the picture.

So anyway, I was sitting on the couch this morning, watching TV and reading the Sunday newspaper (I’m a bit behind), spending some quality time with the resident Feline-Americans, who were climbing all over me, trying to stick their butts in my face so I couldn’t read the paper. I found that The View was pre-empted by yet another holiday parade (didn’t they just have one of those things last week?). Just as I landed on the channel airing the parade, things were gearing up for a performance by Up With People... and, sorry, I’m just not up to Up With People right now.

So I hopped on over to one of the UHF channels, where an episode of Cristina’s Court had just begun. Today’s case featured Robert Burck, aka The Naked Cowboy, v. his girlfriend Cindy. The Naked Cowboy makes his living by singing and showing off his body in New York’s Times Square and on the Internet. I missed the first part of the segment, but from what I gathered, The Naked Cowboy had moved in with his g.f. some time ago, but is now enjoying such success with the nekkid singing gig that he wants to move himself, the gal, and her kids into a mansion. The catch? He wants cameras in every room, 24/7, for an ongoing Internet reality-show thing. His woman, on the other hand, is not completely supportive of that idea and thinks she has a right to some privacy in her own home. What a lot of nerve.

It was, in a sense, a classic case of the right to freedom of expression versus the right to privacy. These are important issues, and thank Goddess for Cristina, ever the impartial judge. "He is who he is!" she gushed about Cowboy after hearing the case, going on to explain that "Naked," as she called him, represents freedom of expression in America, a freedom that apparently includes every American’s right to be naked, or something like that. (She failed to mention that along with that right goes a grave responsibility: to only appear in public naked if one looks good that way. America, do you want to see Rosie O’Donnell or Drew Carey nekkid?)

The Naked Cowboy is one of those who, presumably, does look good nekkid, although I don’t really know if this is true because – and I know some of you will be as disappointed as I was – he isn’t actually nekkid. He wears a pair of briefs.

Never mind, though. Cristina likened Naked to an innocent child who does what he does and is what he is without giving a darn what people think. Her eyes were brimming with lust admiration as she went on and on about Naked’s uniqueness, suggesting that his gal Cindy really shouldn’t be cramping his style by insisting on a little privacy at home.

To her credit Cristina did ultimately rule for a compromise, deciding that both parties were right in their own way. Yet when making her comments about cameras in the home as just part of the new wave – the way things are now, a tool to help Naked continue to evolve into who he is, etc. – she seemed to completely miss the point about Cindy’s right to privacy in her own friggin’ home. If I understood correctly, however, Cindy will insist on one completely camera-free room, to which she can retreat whenever she wishes, and she said that she bets Naked will be sneaking in there from time to time as well to get away from it all.

At the end of the segment Cristina asked Naked to sing. He shed his overcoat, picked up his gittar, and sang an autobiographical ditty in a fake Western drawl. Turns out that not only is he not really nekkid, but he can’t sing worth a hoot, which isn’t really all that important, I suppose, in light of his other marketable skills, such as muscle development and looking good nearly nekkid.

"But how is this relevant to the subject matter of your blog, Cosmic Connie?" you may be asking. You would understand if you had heard Cristina – and "Naked," for that matter – waxing rhapsodic about personal growth and development and being true to one’s self and so forth. In fact you woulda thunk you were at some sorta selfish-help or New-Wage seminar instead of a televised court trial. Oh, Gawd, now I’m writin’ in a fake Western drawl. Sorry ’bout that, podners.

In any case, I’ve written about nekkid men here before. Surely you haven’t forgotten Dreaming-Bear Kanaan, as much as you might like to. The main difference between The Naked Cowboy and Dreaming-Bear is that at least The Naked Cowboy isn’t overtly claiming to try to raise people’s consciousness.

On second thought…. Well, I’ll let you come to your own conclusions, or to Naked’s Conclusion. I leave you with this wrap-up of his autobiography, The Legend Of The Naked Cowboy:

My perfected life story will be accepted, respected, revered and never challenged or second-guessed by anyone. People worldwide will admire the skill, intelligence and freedom that my goals have delivered to me. They will know only of the open-mindedness, the challenges met, battles won, hearts won, attitudes changed, message of love, desire for acceptance and obsessive dedication delivered; the self-sacrifice of all one has, had or would have for the purpose of achieving one’s goals, desires, mission and destiny.

My life story will be among the world’s all-time best sellers of motivational and self-help books. They will start landslides of effort among all that read them and live their principles. They’ll know and recognize the unselfish and determined effort to be a communicator or success and accomplishment to humanity. They’ll recognize sacrifice for gain, great sadness and deprivation for gain, freedom in thought and acceptance of the true meaning of purpose despite hardship. In essence, a destined communicator of will and its ability to overcome any and all, bit by bit, with the entirety in mind, body and spirit. A loving message communicated worldwide by one determined man in the human condition with the truly exciting realization that this fortunate condition is determinable only by oneself and his desire to do so.

They’ll find this loving message: that no limit can stand in one’s way unless allowed; that all inhibitions and limits are self-imposed; and that we all live in an undaunted realm of unlimited possibility.

My ideal day will be engrossed with exciting bright colors and sounds and feeling of exhilaration. These will all be complimented with soft, delicate, peaceful and serene sounds, sights of elegance and calmness and feelings of passion and tingling. Every fiber of my senses will be refreshed, sight, sound, taste and feeling. My mind, body and spirit shall remain in complete unity with all else for eternity. On my ideal day I will not forget to thank God, my loving creator, who has truly blessed me, for the courage, the discipline, the dedication, the drive, the ambition, the stamina, the might, the character, the personality, the audacity, the imagination, the values, the conditioning, the environment, the genetics, the freedom, the liberty, the riches, the right, the resources, the purpose, the spontaneity, the vision, the obedience, the ingenuity, the charisma, the belief systems, the technology, the family, the desire, the talent, the flexibility, the strength, the balance, the congruence, the assistance, the wisdom, the power, the attitude, the love, the grace, the kindness, the generosity, the sincerity, the friendships, the guidance, the help, the opulence, the serenity, the intelligence, the wit, the simplicity, the experience, the principles, the endurance the latitude, the faith, the complexity, the integrity, the beauty, the elegance, the manners, the states, the syntax, the metaprograms, the communication, the character traits, the commitment, the understanding, the empathy, the paradigms, the leadership, the magic, the fuel, the action habit, the rapport, the anchors, the charm, and the happiness with which I have created this life of my dreams. All praise and honor to our wonderful, loving God who nurtures our deepest, truest intentions.

On that note… Happy New Year to all of you, and all praise and honor to the wonderful, loving b.s. artists who have provided and will continue to provide such rich fodder for my Whirled.