Whirled Musings

Across the Universe with Cosmic Connie, aka Connie L. Schmidt...or maybe just through the dung-filled streets and murky swamps of pop culture -- more specifically, the New-Age/New-Wage crowd, pop spirituality & religion, pop psychology, self(ish)-help, business babble, media silliness, & related (or occasionally unrelated) matters of consequence. Hope you're wearing boots. (By the way, the "Cosmic" bit in my moniker is IRONIC.)

Monday, December 03, 2007

Today's antipasto

I’m putting the finishing touches on a looooooong post (can’t tell you about it right now; it’s a Secret), but for now, here are some little snark bites to munch on while you’re waiting for the main course.

A vision of utmost Clara-ty:
an (imaginary) star is born

About a week and a half ago one of my
vigilant email pen pals alerted me to a thread on the official Secret forum. It was started by a woman named Kat, who describes herself as a survivor of child abuse. ("I have known this all my life, I just couldn’t see the answer. I live my life by the secret, every day, every minuet (sic).")

Kat began the thread by describing a spirit guide who’d been coming to her all of her life, a female entity she has recently determined is named "Clara." So far the ensuing discussion on the Secret forum has dragged on for eleven pages (!), and not ONE person that I can see has even questioned the existence of "Clara." Instead they’re coming to Kat with their own stories and their questions for her and Clara.

And now Kat and Clara have moved on. After bestowing some wisdom on other gullibles – and revealing to a few forum members the names of their own spirit guides – Kat and Clara are now focusing on building their own web presence. Other forum members are still coming forth with questions, but Kat and Clara have "left the building" (their words, not mine). Still, Kat’s powerful intentions remain on her forum profile page:

  • To spread the word of CLARA.
  • To speak the truth of the LOA to as many people as I can.
  • To teach what I am being taught.
  • To be wealthy in every aspect of my life.

With any luck Clara will be able to help her with all of those, particularly that last one.

If you look at how this evolved, you’ll see that Kat, though she may be an amateur, is handling the whole thing like an imaginary-friends industry pro. First she played the "reluctance and disbelief" card. Then as she became heartened by the encouragement of others – the awe, the sympathy, the questions – she grew ever stronger in her conviction that "Clara" is real. And now she’s ready to strike out on her own, dispensing "Clara’s" wisdom to a much wider audience.

And a star is born. Maybe. Hey, it worked for Esther and Jerry!

How to attract checks
I just saw a post on Joe "Mr. Fire" Vitale’s blog
about attracting big checks. Apparently taking a cue from The Secret’s magic Universal Check gimmick, a woman who attended a recent seminar (that was put on by one of Joe’s buds) handed Joe a phony check.

If you want, she’ll give you a phony check too. It will help you attract the real thing. Thinking about getting checks in the mail will help too, of course – in fact, it's necessary – but having a genuine phony check in your hand will presumably prod The Universe to get off its lazy butt and bestow the real thing upon you sooner.

Hey, don’t scoff. Thinking about getting checks in the mail worked for Aussie Secret star David Squirmer Scammer Schirmer, who famously said, in The Secret:

When I first understood The Secret, every day I would get a bunch of bills in the mail. I thought, "How do I turn this around?" The law of attraction states that what you focus on you will get, so I got a bank statement. I whited out the total, and I put a new total in there. I put exactly how much I wanted to see in the bank. So I thought, "What if I just visualized checks coming in the mail?" So I just visualized a bunch of checks coming in the mail. Within just one month, things started to change. It is amazing; today I just get checks in the mail. I get a few bills, but I get more checks than bills.

Start ’em young
I didn’t know whether to laugh or shudder when I
read this comment to a recent post on the aforementioned Joe Vitale’s blog:

If we are to change the world we need to focus on our children. The Secret and Pass it On should be a part of the curriculum of every school in the country. Every child should know Anthony Robbins, Joe Vitale, and all of the greats!… I guess the school systems think it’s more important to learn that an earthworm has eight hearts!!!! I just don’t understand!!!

Yeah, why focus on boring, unimportant stuff like science – when there’s magical thinking to be learned!

Don’t make me get out my whip!
And finally, I was very pleased by Jody Radzik’s description of me as "the whipping mistress of the New-Wage,"
from this recent post on his Guruphiliac blog.

That’s it for now, Dear Ones. I’m getting the big whips ready for the next post (a whipping post, as it were?)…

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Anonymous Blair Warren said...

Hey Connie,

Great post, as always.

And speaking of getting genuine fake checks by mail, you might also want to remind your readers that they can get genuine fake degrees by mail, too.

The nice thing about genuine fake degrees is you don't have to wait for the universe to send you a real one. You can go ahead and start cashing in on the fake one right away.

Or so I hear.

Monday, December 03, 2007 10:54:00 AM  
Blogger Cosmic Connie said...

Thanks, Blair! I've heard the same rumor about those fake degrees. They work not only for big stars but also for the average Joe.

Monday, December 03, 2007 10:56:00 AM  
Anonymous Rational Thinking said...

Hysterical laughter ... is this channelling phenomenon a craze for multiple personal disorder? Or is it only me and my overactive imagination :-)

Great post. Can't wait for the entree ...

Monday, December 03, 2007 11:26:00 AM  
Blogger Cosmic Connie said...

Thanks, RT! The channeling craze is, I think, mostly the result of overactive imaginations and/or desperation to make a few extra bucks without working.

In some cases, though, there are probably various brain disorders involved, and/or medication dosage problems.

As for "the entree" -- it is mostly complete; I'm just working on the presentation now. :-)

Monday, December 03, 2007 11:46:00 AM  
Anonymous Rational Thinking said...

It certainly sounds like one of those reasons.

Whatever the driver, is it only me who can't keep up? My bookshelves are groaning (despite regular pruning)! It's the sheer verbosity of these channellers that stuns me. I mean, think of the trees :-)

Starting off (in no particular order) with Seth, then Abraham, then Ramtha, Chief Joseph, Kryon, then ducking back to God Calling ... well, somebody needs to say "put a sock in it". Particularly to Neale Donald Walsch with his interminable conversations with god. Don't you just itch to say "enough already"? Originally I thought it might be a good idea to say "talk to somebody else for a change", because he just might. But can't they just, please, be quiet?

Monday, December 03, 2007 1:44:00 PM  
Blogger Cosmic Connie said...

"But can't they just, please, be quiet?"

Wow, RT. I just had a WONDERFUL idea.

Mime channelers!

They could channel gestures and movements from disembodied Ascended Master mimes!

I think we're on to something! It surely beats another idea I had years ago, Mime For The Blind.

Monday, December 03, 2007 1:56:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Check out Schirmer's latest bleating post, where he says blog and media critics are unChristian, and compares himself in a roundabout way to Christ - hilarious!

Monday, December 03, 2007 2:27:00 PM  
Blogger Cosmic Connie said...

I'm going to have to find it, Anon, but as soon as I do I'll post the link... unless you want to. Thanks!

Monday, December 03, 2007 2:49:00 PM  
Anonymous Rational Thinking said...

Mime channellers? Almost (and I have fast reflexes) ROFL :-)

CC - that comment should have carried a "humour warning".

Monday, December 03, 2007 3:12:00 PM  
Anonymous Rational Thinking said...

Took a little tracking down, but I think anonymous is referring to:

Take an emesis basin.

Monday, December 03, 2007 3:53:00 PM  
Blogger Cosmic Connie said...

RT: I wonder, though, how one could "mime" with a dreadful foreign accent. It would take a lot of skill. But surely there's someone up to the task.

Monday, December 03, 2007 4:07:00 PM  
Blogger Cosmic Connie said...

Thanks for the Schirmer link, RT! It did make me almost vomit.

I don't consider myself a Christian, so I don't suppose Squirmer is talking about me. :-)

But he sure is exploiting "The Secret" -- I hope Rhonda's attorneys don't go after him for brand confusion or copyright infringement!

Monday, December 03, 2007 4:10:00 PM  
Anonymous I believe in honesty and fairness said...

Well I think they should because David Schirmer stole the Australian website from them. He has been a bastard to everyone else he has done business with including Rhonda Byrne so why wouldn't she sue him for this or many of his other follies? Perhaps she's busy suing them one by one down the line and he's on the bottom where he belongs. Mulling around in the sludge of poop and grime.

Monday, December 03, 2007 4:33:00 PM  
Blogger Cosmic Connie said...

Honesty, I agree that if anyone deserves to be sued by Rhonda and gang, it is Schirmer. At the very least she should send her attorneys after him with some cease-and-desist notices. He should be prevented from capitalizing on The Secret in any way, shape, or form.

My bringing up lawsuits in the first place was, of course, a reference to my subsequent post. Seems to me that Rhonda et al. are sending their legal eagles after people who don't deserve it, and are leaving the real crooks and cons alone.

I realize that at the time the revised (Hicks-free) version of The Secret was being produced, Schirmer's dirty deeds probably hadn't yet come to light. But considering what has come to light since then, I'm surprised Rhonda didn't do a second revised version, cutting Schirmer out (and perhaps issuing a public apology to her market for being taken in by him in the first place).

Monday, December 03, 2007 5:16:00 PM  
Anonymous Dr. Walter Terry said...

Can I use the fake check to pay for my fake degree?

Just sayin'.

Tuesday, December 04, 2007 12:59:00 AM  
Blogger Cosmic Connie said...

Dr. Walter, I think different fake universities have different policies, but I am pretty sure they all require that you pay with a real check or credit card.

But don't take my word for it; I don't even have a fake B.S., say nothing of a Ph.D.

Tuesday, December 04, 2007 4:40:00 AM  
Blogger RevRon's Rants said...

What a surprise! Schirmer actually posted my comment to his blog!


Tuesday, December 04, 2007 8:01:00 AM  
Blogger Cosmic Connie said...

And now he's actually published a reply! Let's see if he publishes your reply to his reply...

Tuesday, December 04, 2007 11:24:00 AM  
Anonymous Lana said...

I'm waiting for Schirmer to reply to the reply.

What a bunch of nonsense:
"Revron here is my challenge to you: reveal who you really are and come see me face to face with your complaint about me with proof of your allegations. None of the other accusers have had the guts to and I doubt you will either."

Other accusers HAVE come to him with proof, but to no avail. This guy really takes the secret sauce.

Oh, well -- patience everyone. The outraged Aussies will take care of him, I'm sure.

Tuesday, December 04, 2007 11:58:00 AM  
Anonymous Lana said...

I'm waiting for Schirmer to reply to the reply.

What a bunch of nonsense:
"Revron here is my challenge to you: reveal who you really are and come see me face to face with your complaint about me with proof of your allegations. None of the other accusers have had the guts to and I doubt you will either."

Other accusers HAVE come to him with proof, but to no avail. This guy really takes the secret sauce.

Oh, well -- patience everyone. The outraged Aussies will take care of him, I'm sure.

Tuesday, December 04, 2007 11:59:00 AM  
Blogger Cosmic Connie said...

Yes, Lana, the Aussies are pretty p.o.'d at him. He's been trying to win the Kiwis over, but NZ isn't that far away from Australia and I think the Aussies may share some of the scuttlebutt with their neighbors (or neighbours). :-)

Tuesday, December 04, 2007 12:37:00 PM  
Anonymous Crunchbird said...

The best thing (for me) about that "Kat and Clara" thread was thinking about the poor woman who had been assigned "Derwine" as her spirit guide. I mean . . . Clara was dishing out names like Briane and Adoni, and she gets stuck with someone who sounds like The Nerd from a spring break movie! Picturing her appealing desperately to Derwine for guidance and comfort just gives me the giggles . . .

Friday, December 07, 2007 8:42:00 AM  
Blogger Cosmic Connie said...

Derwine? As in, turning der water into der wine? Rolling my eyes...
Thanks, Crunchbird!

Friday, December 07, 2007 8:49:00 AM  
Anonymous Nora said...

Kat and Clara's site is a private, invitation-only site. Designed specifically to stay small, no-cost and bitch free, (yeah honey, I mean you) it's a close-knit group of people smart and open-minded enough to look past their own noses and accept that they aren't the center of the universe. Try it sometime.

I guess you can respond if you wish (your blog, your rules and all) but I won't bother to read it. People like you are why it remains invitation-only. (sucks being left out of the "in crowd" doesn't it?)

Monday, January 07, 2008 11:17:00 PM  
Blogger Cosmic Connie said...

Thank you for the information, Nora. I guess for the benefit of my loyal readers I should ask the obvious question: in light of at least one of the criteria you just listed, how did YOU get into the closed group?

Tuesday, January 08, 2008 8:54:00 AM  
Blogger RevRon's Rants said...

Somehow, I am reminded of the kids in high school who lacked both the personalities to be popular and the intelligence to be geeks, huddled together in the corner of the cafeteria and filled with pride at their decoder rings and secret handshakes.

Alas, Connie... You shall ever be excluded from their lofty ranks... but I will attempt to console you as best I can, and to rescue you from your pitiful existence. :-)

Tuesday, January 08, 2008 9:43:00 AM  
Blogger Cosmic Connie said...

Thanks, Ron. I am currently completing a post about how horrible it is to be shunned... but as long as I have you in my corner it's not so bad.

So, baby, come console me now! :-)

Tuesday, January 08, 2008 9:48:00 AM  

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