Whirled Musings

Across the Universe with Cosmic Connie, aka Connie L. Schmidt...or maybe just through the dung-filled streets and murky swamps of pop culture -- more specifically, the New-Age/New-Wage crowd, pop spirituality & religion, pop psychology, self(ish)-help, business babble, media silliness, & related (or occasionally unrelated) matters of consequence. Hope you're wearing boots. (By the way, the "Cosmic" bit in my moniker is IRONIC.)

Thursday, May 24, 2007

Just another manic Thor's Day...

It’s been a bit frantic around here, so I’ll just be serving sight bites again today. Sorry I didn’t have time to cook up a big meal. I don’t even have time to set out plates. I’ll just throw out the tidbits and they can land where they will.


Germain to the topic of Ascension…
I’ve mentioned
Saint Germain here before. He’s a sort of gay-looking Ascended Master who really seems to like the color purple. Though many revere him, the woman who apparently is the Germ-Man’s sole authorized Earthly rep, or at least is his favorite, is one Troika Celeste Saint Germain. Troika writes:

Ascended Master Saint Germain has been appearing to me since I was a small child. He has revealed Ascension secrets, tools, products and techniques to me over the years and recently requested that I make them available to all who seek them.

I just got an email from Troika and the Germ-Man, via my favorite New-Wage spam service. "Wrap yourself with the energy of Saint Germain," read the subject line. And that's easier than you might think, for Troika and Saint G have come out with a new sacred scarf that will help you with all of your Ascension needs. "Divinely inspired and spiritually created," the Ascension Prayer Scarf is a lovely royal purple combined with cobalt blue, which, Troika explains, will help open both the Third Eye and Crown Chakra. The design on the scarf is the "I Am Saint Germain Mandala in pure gold," which "brings the Golden Ray of the Christ Consciousness into your Aura."

Troika assures us too that "Deep Prayer, Ceremony and Ritual accompanied every step of the manifestation process of these beautiful Sacred Garments. Each scarf was individually made by hand, in the US, by Lightworkers." After the scarves were made, Troika "performed Alchemical Ritual & Ceremony with Saint Germain to infuse the scarves with His energy and the frequencies of Ascension and the Higher Realms."

The Saint Germain Ascension Scarf is normally $85.00, but through May 31 it can be yours for the special introductory price of $74.77. Heck of a deal.

How does it work, and what does it do? Well, it works just like a magic carpet. You spread your Ascension Scarf out on the floor (it is recommended but not absolutely necessary that you clean the floor first), whereupon you sit on the scarf, stick a carrot up each nostril, shout "I can do it!"*, and then voila! You begin Ascending. How far up you go is up to you, though if you do it indoors there are, of course, limits. Outdoors you have more options, but you should proceed with caution when Ascending in high-wind conditions or you could find yourself ass-end up.

Okay… I was just kidding about the magic-carpet stuff, as well as about the carrots and such. In reality, you use the scarf as you would a prayer shawl: you simply throw it around your shoulders, then sit around looking holy and wise. Frankly, that’s not my style. But here’s something that is…

Clothes captioning for the spiritually impaired
My friend Durga, aka Moi, who frequently comments here, directed me to a web site,
Delightenment.com that offers "Amazing Magical Clothing," one example of which is pictured above. According to the web site, wearing this Amazing Magical Clothing is 100% guaranteed to:

  • Raise your kundalini 3.73 inches
  • Spin your chakras at 14.8 mph (that’s 8.3 degrees Celsius)
  • Increase your IQ by the square root of -1
  • Help you reach enlightenment (*step ladder not included)
  • Speed up your hard drive, lower your mortgage, give you six-pack abs, help you lose up to 200 pounds in 3 hours!

The makers of these garments assure us, "All Amazing Magical Clothing products are guaranteed to have been sanctified, had their vibration raised, been blessed, and otherwise made magical by our two Bengal cats, Lily and Lula."

I would love to have a Bengal cat myself, but I can’t justify spending hundreds of dollars for a purebred when there are so many "ordinary" felines on the street, or on death row in the shelters… Besides, I can't afford to buy a pricey cat right now. However, you can buy me one if you wish. That way I won't have the shelter thing on my own conscience (it will be on yours), and I'll have a new cat. So If you enjoy reading the free articles on this blog, feel free to send me one Bengal kitten, male or female. I prefer a "snow spotted" or "snow tabby" color pattern to coordinate with the colors of the other quadrupeds in my household.**

But I digress. The really good news I wish to share is that you can get four or five pieces of Amazing Magical Clothing for the price of one Saint Germain Ascension scarf. But you must act now, "before The Rapture causes shipping delays!"

You are like a hurricane…
Comes the
worrisome news in Wednesday’s Houston Chronicle that due to numerous factors, the 2007 hurricane season may be worse than the 2005 season that brought us Katrina, Rita, and Wilma. I really wish the news media would get on the stick and stop focusing on negative outcomes. How many times do the Secretrons and LOA-noids have to say it? Focusing on the worst makes the worst happen! Focusing on good stuff makes good stuff happen.

Alas, the news media are full of negative Nellies and Norberts who just want to alarm us because it’s good for ratings. Thank Goddess, then, for folks who have the ability to neutralize or redirect hurricanes. There is, for example, Lynn Marks, aka "Phoenix the Spirit Diva," whom I blogged about last September. Lynn has said she can actually communicate with hurricanes, and some of the ones she’s communicated with explained to her that they were just out to have a good time and didn’t intend to hurt anyone. Hmmm…sounds as if Spirit Diva may have had a few too many Hurricanes herself.

Spirit Diva is not the only one who uses her mind to mess with our weather. Who can forget the classic case of a group of positive thinkers who redirected Hurricane Rita in 2005? Read the heartwarming story here. No doubt about it, these folks kept that storm from doing any serious damage. The Texas and Louisiana Coast and parts of East Texas owe them all a big hearty thank you.

Y’know, it seems to me that predicting the future has become passé. It’s soooo pre-twentieth century. The big thing now is to mold the future – and the present, too, with one’s thoughts. But I’m kind of an old-fashioned gal who is still into predictions, and I predict this about the 2007 hurricane season: If it fails to be as bad as the dire prognosticators warned, the wind whisperers and LOA folk will take credit for focusing on the positive, ignoring the negative, and therefore neutralizing the storms. If, on the other hand, the season is as bad as or worse than predicted, the LOA-noids will say that the folks affected by the storms attracted their troubles. So either way, the New-Wage weather watchers are covered.

And the people whose lives are decimated by the forces of nature are still just as f-----d.

"I still haven’t found what I’m looking for…"
Finally, I wish to extend my sincere apologies to everyone who has come to Whirled Musings in search of a specific piece of information, only to be sorely disappointed or even, perhaps, disgusted. At least it would appear that way, since these folks’ visits here lasted precisely 0 seconds, according to
SiteMeter, the hit counter and stat tracker I use. The first thing I do when checking my stats is to click the item, "By referral," which, more often than not, reveals the words that my visitors typed in to Google. In most cases, they’re searching for information on people, products or services I have made fun of. In many cases it seems that they were searching for favorable comments about those people, products or services (or at least some objective information; good luck with that on this site!). Or for some other reason they didn’t find what they were looking for in these pages.

And so they hastened away, presumably without letting the virtual door slam them on their virtual behinds on the way out.

I must admit that the 0-second visits are a bit of a blow to my ego, but they don’t really surprise me. What’s gratifying is to see the visits that last ten to twelve minutes and more. (Curiously enough, most of those seem to come from the UK or US university sites.)

I have had a lot of folks land here when searching for "criticisms of The Secret." Lately I’ve also had an unusually large number of people looking for information on "Jonathan Jacobs, healer." I mentioned Jonathan in the "comments" section on one of my posts, so that’s why I pop up in a Google search. (FYI: Jonathan is not the guy’s real name (see page 60 of linked PDF document).)

I do get a kick out of perusing the Google searches that lead web wanderers to my Whirled. Some of the searches are a little bizarre, such as this one I saw recently: "Lightworkers attracted to people going to the bathroom at night." How that led to Whirled Musings, I have no idea.

I do suggest you get SiteMeter for your own blog or web site. It's loads of fun and very informative. It comes in a free and a paid version (currently I'm using the free version and it suits me fine).

And, oh, yeah. When going to the bathroom at night, keep an eye out for voyeuristic Lightworkers.

*The carrots and "I can do it!" bit was inspired by Steve Salerno of SHAMblog, who wrote in the comments section to his Feb. 14 post: "You know, folks, it has just about reached the point where, if you tell people that by stuffing carrots up their noses and chanting the phrase "I can do it!!" over and over in Lebanese, untold riches will come to them, they will praise your name and love you, and pay you almost any amount of money to KEEP RIGHT ON telling them that!"
** Not really. Send me money instead. The Rev and I have enough cats for now. And in reality we don’t make any effort to color coordinate our four-legged companions, though I would love a tri-colored Welsh Corgi pup to match Layla, our tri-colored hound-terrier mix...

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4 Comments:

Blogger Dave said...

Connie,

I always (almost) find your blogs amusing, and sometimes informative. I don't even remember how I first found you, but I now have you bookmarked and check daily for your new musings and wanderings. I particularly enjoy your links to off-site references, and practically split my sides on the enlightened clothing line.

Keep up the good work and the new-wage exposes. Humor is the universal necessity, even if all of the fuddy-duddies (technical term) don't appreciate it.

Dave

Thursday, May 24, 2007 10:14:00 PM  
Blogger Cosmic Connie said...

Thanks, Dave! The big difference with the enlightened clothing line, of course, is that it is very much tongue-in-cheek. That's quite in contrast to most of the stuff I write about, e.g., the sacred objects, holy clothing, specially "treated" jewelry...and, lest we forget, the magical web sites that are infused with "special energy" to "clean" you while you're browsing them (I won't mention any names like zerolimits.info). :-)

Friday, May 25, 2007 7:50:00 AM  
Blogger Durga said...

"Lightworkers attracted to people going to the bathroom at night."

Oh ! That must have been me. the other night there was a thunderstorm and I was searching for a flash light to pull the fuse out of my car that was making the alarm go off constantly. i went to the bathroom and somehow found myself on the computer mysteriously typing in the above. I think it must have been the extraterrestrials from Marfa who temporarily took over my body to conduct research experiments.

Friday, May 25, 2007 6:10:00 PM  
Blogger Cosmic Connie said...

You gotta watch those Marfa ETs, Durga. :-)

Friday, May 25, 2007 7:19:00 PM  

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