Whirled Musings

Across the Universe with Cosmic Connie, aka Connie L. Schmidt...or maybe just through the dung-filled streets and murky swamps of pop culture -- more specifically, the New-Age/New-Wage crowd, pop spirituality & religion, pop psychology, self(ish)-help, business babble, media silliness, & related (or occasionally unrelated) matters of consequence. Hope you're wearing boots. (By the way, the "Cosmic" bit in my moniker is IRONIC.)

Tuesday, December 12, 2006

And now for something completely real

Okay, I admit it. I’ve been having fun spoofing around on this blog for the past couple of posts. But it occurs to me that this is somewhat irresponsible of me, since there’s so much real news to share, and, after all, Whirled Musings has traditionally been an unimpeachable source* for that news.

So I have decided to devote this post to sharing a few items that, like Dave Barry, I did not make up. And I promise not to make fun of The Secret.**

Sniff this!
You can never get too much aromatherapy these days. Reebok, taking note of this, has in recent months introduced their line of
Zan Chi aromatherapy tank tops with built-in sports bras. The catch is, you have to work for your therapy, because the aroma doesn’t actually manifest until you start sweating. You have your choice of peppermint to pep you up, or lavender to wind you down, and the scents are said to last through 25 washings. The only glitch is that some women are horrendously allergic to the aromas. Oops!

In related news, Playtex now offers auratherapy tampons that cleanse the wearer’s aura of those "cranky vibes" that are the root cause of PMS. And don’t think that the guys and geezers have been ignored in the enlightened personal products marketplace. Trojan has just introduced a line of Embrace Your Male Energy sexual and spiritual enhancement products. Included are the "Rod of Power" condoms, which are saturated with essence of yohimbe and horny goat weed to head off, so to speak, any potential ED situations. Also available is the "Divining Rod" series, saturated with a number of proprietary ingredients that have been scientifically proven to balance a man’s chakras while helping him locate his partner's G-spot. And for the age-advanced crowd, Kimberly-Clarke, maker of Depend® Underwear, is test-marketing a line of aromatherapy incontinence products.***

What have you done for your stem cells lately?
I did not make that question up. It was the subject line of an email I got the other day. There’s this new stem-cell-enhancing supplement called, not surprisingly,
StemEnhanceTM – "the latest phytoceutical breakthrough" – and it has lots of real science to back it up. At only $59.95 for a month’s supply (less per bottle if you sign up for automatic monthly shipments), it’s guaranteed to increase your stem cell production by…well, I forget the percentage point, but it’s pretty darned impressive, as I recall. Or at least it is guaranteed to "support stem cell production." Hey, I've always been a supporter of stem cell production. And stem cell research, too, for that matter.

Anyway, just between you and me and the folks who sent me that email, it doesn’t even matter whether the supplement actually works. What matters is that you can make tons of money convincing other people it works. Here’s what the email said:

Enhance your ABUNDANCE and PROSPERITY while you enhance your STEM CELLS HEALTH! (You can receive 6 checks a month!). Find out how to maximize your profits by starting out with the Fast-Start Program. (Distributors can earn a VERY SUBSTANTIAL income!) http://narcisos.stemtechhealth.com/

Let’s hear it for the New Wage!

Nano, nano
And, speaking of the New Wage, I'm continually wowed by the fact that the New Wagers have so much modern science on their side. Not only do they have
quantum physics to back up many of their claims and inspire them to make idiotic underground movies, but now they have nanotechnology as well. Cool, huh? Not too long ago, I got an email telling me about a wonderful new opportunity for me to make money by selling nanotechnology patches made by LifeWave ("Software For The Human Body"). The patches can do all sorts of terrific things for my bloodstream and, more importantly, for my income stream. The email was not directly from LifeWave but from a person who is involved in an MLM program selling their products. Here’s what she said:

It is not a new product, but an entirely new category of focused energy for the body that uses nanotechnology and signal induction. It is "Star Trek" stuff—but the results, the documentation, and the university studies are too good to ignore.

You will understand when you try them for yourself. I believe so strongly that you'll agree, that I'm offering a FREE SAMPLE for you and anyone in your database….

The best thing is that once you are confident in the power of the technology, you can create a significant passive income stream just by sending out an email like this one. When anyone in your database gets the free sample, experiences the benefits (and they will), you get paid every time they order the product—automatically.

And here’s how the patches work (bold and italics are all the sender’s):

The technology is a non-transdermal patch that goes on the skin, but NOTHING enters the body except an "electro-chemical signal" to create more energy and burn fat. The patch technology triggers the release of long chain fatty acids that result in more ATP availability to the cell mitochondria. In a nutshell, this means 20-40% more stamina and energy. (This has been documented and proven in double blind, placebo controlled, peer reviewed studies!) The patches also open up the energy flow in the meridians, much like acupuncture but without the needles.

The most interesting thing is that the patches can be programmed to send a message through signal induction and create ANY biological process: release seratonin [sic], produce endorphins, build collagen in the face...there is no limit.

The main benefit seems to be that the patches can increase glutathione in the blood by 300% "in 24 hours with no chemicals or drugs." (That's a 3D model of glutathione pictured above.) Glutathione has a role in cell defense, among other things.

I did actually read some of the scientific data on the LifeWave web site, and I watched one of their videos. The backers of the products claim that the amazing results are not anecdotal but have been proven in double-blind studies.

A double blind placebo controlled study was performed to independently examine the effectiveness of the LifeWave Skin Care/Glutathione patch in being able to elevate blood levels of Glutathione over a period of 24 hours and several days. Baseline data was collected for all subjects; the average Blood Glutathione levels for all individuals was an average of 2020 umole/L as displayed by the graph on the left ("Normal" value). After 24 hours of using the LifeWave Skin Care/Glutathione patch, the average blood Glutathione levels of all individuals was 7326 umole/L. This means that within 24 hours of using the LifeWave Skin Care/Glutathione patch the average increase in Glutathione is over 3 TIMES HIGHER than normal. The graph on the right shows how over a period of 24 hours blood Glutathione levels increase dramatically for LifeWave patch users versus not using the LifeWave Skin Care patch.

Now, if you’re paying attention you will notice that the scientifically proven result they are talking about is simply the elevation of blood levels of glutathione. They aren’t talking about the actual effects of those elevated levels. They're not saying it's been double-blind-proven that wearing one of these patches will in fact straighten out those wrinkles, melt that cellulite away, and give you unlimited energy. And as I explored their material, it seemed to me that the only evidence that elevated blood levels of glutathione offer all those glorious promised benefits was…well…anecdotal.

In the obligatory CYA with the FDA, AMA, et al., the email added, "We make no medical claims. But as you know...when the energy flows...the body has an amazing capacity to heal itself."

LifeWave products also have the backing of the business world. Or, rather, nanotechnology has been written about in business magazines:

According to Forbes Magazine, "Nanotechnology is destined to completely change our world and the way we live!" And, according to Business Week, "Those who discover this new technology are destined to be wealthy."

Apparently, however, the only way you can order the LifeWave nano-patches is to become involved in an MLM program yourself. You can get free samples from the MLM-er who sent the email, but you pretty much have to lock yourself into signing onto the program. If you just want to order the products without selling them, forget it. There isn’t even a price list on the LifeWave web site. If you click "order now" you just get a toll-free Customer Service number. And even if you click "sign up" you still get the toll-free Customer Service number.

It’s all about the MLM.

But so what if the patches don’t actually do anything, and so what if you have to sign up for an MLM program in order to even try them out? That is not important. What’s important is that you can make money off of this stuff. It’s definitely something to consider as a supplement to your income as an Intuitive Reader or Law of Attraction Coach.****

More good reasons to raise your vibes
Just in case you haven’t been attending to your own personal vibrations (and no, those battery-powered "accessories" don’t count; I’ve already checked), here are more good reasons we should all strive to raise our individual frequencies. Extreme Lightworker
Bryan James sent me an email ’splaining it all. You need to raise your vibes because…

1. The Holy Ones and beings from all dimensions know who we are immediately because we shine like a lighthouse on a dark, stormy night. They then look to support us in our spiritual work for the planet. And as our frequency increases, more come to help us (even fairies, trees, flowers, animals, etc.)
2. The higher frequency helps us to overcome the pulls of the lower energies much easier than before. Overcoming isn't as big of a struggle, as Paul used to call it, "Warring against the flesh."
3. It enhances our other spiritual work, whatever that may be, commensurate with our frequency.
4. It 'calibrates' our blueprint to be able to assimilate and utilize more advanced spiritual tools, such as the current 7 templates. There are many more of these that we can offer people once they get their frequencies higher (which several are doing!).
5. For those taking part in the Extreme Lightwork training, it qualifies us to claim a certain level of 'Dominion' over the Earth, Solar System, Galaxy and Universe.
6. The higher our frequencies are, the easier it is for the Holy Ones to communicate with us, and provide us clear instructions.

So keep working on raising those frequencies, and I guarantee you will notice an improvement in the quality of those voices in your head. By fortunate happenstance, Bryan James sells Frequency Acceleration packages.

Now get busy! Work on your frequencies. Be kind to your stem cells. And let me know if that nano-patch and the aromatherapy bra work.

* Ranking right up there, news-source-wise, with The Weekly World News.
** Although I suspect there are a few Secretrons who are…um…secretly disappointed when I don’t make fun of their guiding light.
*** Okay, I got a little carried away again and made up the products in the second paragraph. My apologies to Trojan and Kimberly-Clarke. But the Reebok aromatherapy products are real.
**** Oops, I almost broke my promise.

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Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh how I long to riff on much of this! I could expend a fair number of not-so-well-chosen words on the observations in your section about the condoms and, in particular, the scent-releasing sports bras. But I fear I'd get in really, really big trouble. (My agent and editor keep suggesting that I go too far on SHAMblog as it is.)

It amazes me, though. Are you telling me that Larry King couldn't build a HELLuva show, "for the full hour," out of some of this stuff, and the rest of what we talk about on our respective blogs?

I dunno, Connie. But I guess it's like my dad, may he rest in peace, told me a long, long time before SHAM became a glimmer in my eye: "In America, the real money is in illusion, not truth."

Wednesday, December 13, 2006 2:25:00 PM  
Blogger RevRon's Rants said...

I would have offered some insightful tidbit in response to this post, but got completely sidetracked quite early on. Somehow, the image of a beautiful woman holding me to her heaving bosom, saying, "Immerse yourself in this fragrance..." just took me right out of the intelligent side of my brain (if ever such a lobe existed!).

Interesting post, anyway!

Wednesday, December 13, 2006 2:59:00 PM  
Blogger Cosmic Connie said...

LOL, Rev! But I think the aromatherapy tank top is just supposed to benefit the wearer. But who knows, maybe Reebok will get on the stick, so to speak, and come up with some aromatherapy jockey shorts for guys.

Wednesday, December 13, 2006 6:22:00 PM  
Blogger Cosmic Connie said...

Steve, your father was a very wise man.

And it's okay to riff on this blog about condoms and sports bras. I brought the subject up, after all. :-)

I only hope that if Trojan really does come out with those condoms I suggested, they pay me royalties. As for the aromatherapy sports bras, *those* are real.

And if I were you, I'd keep hounding Larry King and Anderson Cooper and others, and maybe they'll eventually wake up and realize that the anti-SHAM folks have some interesting things to say too. Thanks for stopping in!

Wednesday, December 13, 2006 6:28:00 PM  

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