When Daniel Boone goes by, at night,
The phantom deer arise
And all lost, wild America
Is burning in their eyes.
~ Stephen Vincent Benét
* * * * *
I don't know what happens when people die
Can't seem to grasp it as hard as I try
It's like a song I can hear playing right in my ear
But I can't sing, I can't help listening
~ Jackson Browne, For
a Dancer
Long ago I had a pet wolf, which, as I’ve often
said, is an oxymoron if there ever was one. There really is no
excuse for this, and I would never dream of doing it again. I
learned the hard way, as others have, that even if a wolf is not
in the wild, the wild will always be in the wolf. And as I have
also said more than once, the cry of a captive wolf is one of the
saddest songs there is. If a Robin Redbreast in a Cage puts all
Heaven in a Rage, as Blake's poem would have it,
what reaction must Heaven have to a caged wolf?
I didn't adopt the wolf, whom I named Maya, by myself; my partner
in this ultimately unfortunate experiment was an incredibly gifted artist and
photographer and musician named Rick Hartman, who always
possessed a bit of wildness himself. I do not mean wildness in
the decadent party-animal sense in which it is most often applied
to humans. What I mean is that Rick had a lifelong passion for
nature and wildlife, and always seemed happier outdoors than in,
and probably would have been content to live his entire life in a
cave or at most a yurt in the middle of a vast wilderness.
Though I love nature and animals too, my own
material requirements have always been a little more fussy. This
was an underlying conflict throughout my relationship with Rick,
who for an extended period in my younger daze I considered to be
the love of my life -- and once, when we were discussing our
basic incompatibility, he said, "The thing is, I'm a wolf,
and you're a dog." It was not an insult and he didn't mean
it as one; it was just a comment on our different natures.
Besides, dogs are some of my favorite people, so if you want to
insult me, calling me a dog is definitely not going to do the
trick.
* * * * *
Both Rick and I had significantly underestimated
the problems that would come with adopting a wolf. This may have
been in part because Rick himself was accustomed to having
unusual pets from a young age; over the years he'd had a raccoon,
an owl, shrews, a duck, an alligator, and an assortment of other
furred, feathered, and scaled beings. And he and I were, I
suppose, also lulled by the fact that a couple of years prior to
bringing Maya home, Rick had adopted a wolf dog, whom we had
named Kaliska (pronounced kuh-LEES-kuh). I found the name in a
book called The New Age Baby Name Book; according to the
authors, "Kaliska" was a Miwok Indian name meaning
"coyote chasing deer."
The man who sold Kaliska to Rick -- and who happened to be the
same one who sold Maya to us later -- had said that she was half
wolf and half white German Shepherd, but that she had been a
runt. Indeed, she was smaller than either a wolf or a German
Shepherd; she was more the size of a coyote. And as it turned
out, she also liked to chase deer. So her Miwok name was quite
appropriate.
At any rate, Kaliska was profoundly sweet and sociable, and
everyone who met her fell in love with her. "Kaliska was everybody's
dog," Rick often said after a tragic accident took her from
us a few months following our adoption of Maya.
My point is that in deciding to bring a wolf into our lives, Rick
and I both reasoned, if you can call it reasoning, that since a half-wolf was so sweet
and easy to manage, a full-blooded wolf couldn't be that much
more difficult if adopted at a very young age and brought up with
love and care.
But we were in for a surprise. A dog is a dog and a wolf is a
wolf, and notwithstanding their common ancestry, they are not the
same. Moreover, even wolf hybrids can be highly unpredictable,
and some are dangerous. We had simply lucked out with Kaliska.
* * * * *
For my part, I really cannot say that I wasn't forewarned about the folly of trying to make a wolf into a pet. Years before Maya came into our lives, I had read a book called Of Wolves and Men by one of my favorite nature essayists, Barry Lopez. In the epilogue to the book he wrote:
Wolves don’t belong living with people. It’s as simple as that. Having done it once, naively, I would never do it again. Most people I know who have raised wolves feel the same way. All too often the wolf’s life ends tragically and its potential for growth while it lives is smothered. I am grateful for the knowledge I have gained but if I’d known what it would cost I don’t think I would have asked.
Although I remembered that passage very well, I was naively confident that Lopez's warning could
not possibly apply to a wolf born in captivity and adopted when barely
past weaning, as was the case with Maya. It surely couldn’t
apply to one so coddled as Maya was. And she was indeed coddled.
I remember staying up with her night after night after night in
those early days, carrying her around like a human infant,
jostling her gently, talking to her, singing to her, trying to
calm her night cries. From the beginning, though, there was
something about her that was so restless, so unsettled, so
profoundly unhappy, but I was all too willing to overlook these
things, telling myself, She’ll get over it, once she really
gets used to us.
She never really got over it.
I'm sure there are those who would smugly say that
she never "got over it" because she was
coddled, and that we should have established ourselves as Alphas
from the very beginning. But I am convinced that the problem went
much deeper than that.
* * * * *
But this post is really more about Rick than about
Maya. I have been thinking about him a lot today, March 2,
because it is the tenth anniversary of the day that, after a
brave and grueling battle with cancer, he left the planet, as his
brother John expressed it when he told me the news. Rick and I
never married, but we were together for seven years, and remained
friends for the rest of his life. To say that I was deeply
saddened by his loss would be the lamest of understatements.
I have had this post whirling around in my head for more than the
ten years that Rick has been gone; I actually began it a couple
of years before he passed away. Originally it was simply going to
be a rumination on wildness -- in nature at large as well as
in humans -- framed around my experiences of living with a
full-blooded timber wolf (and a man who identified with that
wolf).
I had planned to also work in some content reflective
of this blog's original and primary beat of
New-Wage/McSpirituality/selfish-help culture, which in this
context would have involved snarky commentary on the way those
overlapping factions have idealized wolves and have co-opted them
as a self-serving symbol of their own noble, and largely
imaginary, wildness. My personal and hard-earned perspectives on
the uncomfortable realities of human and wolf interactions would
be just another way of raining on the pseudo-mystics' parade.
At its core, however, the post would be a tribute to my own past
wild loves, Rick and Maya.
But there were always other posts to write, and the months and
years went by, and here we are.
And I find that even now, ten years to the day that Rick left,
I'm having trouble collecting all of my thoughts into a cohesive
whole. So for now, this post is just a "stub," my
intention being to add to it over time. I just
wanted to post something to observe this sad anniversary.
The "wolf man" picture at the head of this post is a
photocomposition by Rick -- created the laborious old-fashioned
way, years before Photoshop or AI -- consisting of a
self-portrait and a portrait of Maya. It's one of my very
favorite works of his. (Years before he passed, Rick had given me
permission to share this image publicly as long as I attributed
it.)
Another one of my favorites, of which I have a mounted print but
not a scan at the moment, is a photocomp that Rick called
"Traveler," in which he once again used himself as a
model. The piece shows a man of indeterminate age, dressed in
rugged clothes and an old hat, and holding on to a walking stick
(or is it a wizard's staff?). He stands on a lovely
grid pathway that is actually a perspective shot of one of
Houston's glass skyscrapers, with a brilliant blue sky reflected
in the glass.
What makes it so intriguing is that the figure of the man is in
shadow, so the viewer cannot really tell if it is a frontal or a
back view. It's somewhat like one of those optical-illusion pictures that can be interpreted in one
of two ways: is it two faces, or a
vase? And to me, the ambiguity has always been the point of
"Traveler," for it is impossible to determine whether this
is a departure or an arrival: is the traveler just setting out
on a long journey, or just returning home from one?
Or both?
In her wonderful book, The Good Good Pig: The Extraordinary Life of
Christopher Hogwood, Sy Montgomery
wrote, “…For the belonging that is home, I can thank, in
part, the exile that is travel. Though they seem like opposites,
they are more like twins — two halves of a whole.” I have a
feeling that Rick understood that concept better than most people
do.
* * * * *
As for Maya, who unhappily shared a home with Rick
and me (and who never learned anything remotely
resembling manners, and who always tried to grab our food off of
the table when we were eating, and who ate one of our couches,
and who was constantly escaping from our yard and running amok in
the streets of our quiet suburban neighborhood, and who tried to
eat the next-door neighbor's French poodle)... well, Rick got
custody of her when we split up. I loved her, but there was no
way I could take care of her.
Besides, Rick and I had since adopted yet another wolf-dog
hybrid, a gorgeous half-wolf, half-husky boy whom I named Xen
(pronounced "Zen"). We had bought him from the same man
who'd sold us Kaliska and Maya; it had become a habit. And in
case you're wondering, our split-up was a mutual decision and was amicable throughout, though there were, understandably, moments of
sadness. Xen and I moved up to Colorado, while Rick and
Maya remained in Houston.
Unfortunately, however, Maya became more of a problem for Rick
over the years, and she even attacked him once. Ultimately he
found a home for her at a wolf haven in the Texas Hill Country. She was still a captive -- releasing her into the
wild would have been a death sentence for her -- but at least she
had the company of other captive wolves.
But Rick never lost his love for the wildness that Maya
represented, and he never lost his love for creating art that was
often inspired not just by wildness and nature but also by worlds
beyond the easily visible. In the artist's statement for one of
his art shows years ago, he wrote: “The greatest art one can
master is the art of mastering oneself. The highest form of
creative expression must come from the depths of the soul in
order to touch and awaken that sense in others. I wish to
illustrate the freedom of spirit and the eternality of life that
I might in some way bring the invisible into the visible.”
Rick always seemed to have one eye on that invisible world,
though he clearly relished the visible world as well. His art,
like his life, was a joyous celebration of both.
A few days after he passed away, I wrote this in the guest book
on his Legacy page:
My heart hurts for the entire Hartman family – a big, beautiful family that I felt I was a part of for seven years. New generations have grown up since I left the scene, and it is gratifying to see how he has enriched their lives, as he did mine. After our split Rick and I remained friends throughout the years. While we were together, he opened my eyes to so many things, and actually helped to set me on my writing career. I will always remember him as an amazingly talented, funny-yet-serious artist and man who always seemed to have his eye on something that the rest of us could never quite see. (In fact that was what caught my own eye when I first met him at a long-ago party: his faraway expression. He was probably busy planning a new art piece or composition, even while we were conversing.)
My thoughts are with all who feel his loss.
In retrospect, Rick was not the love of my life,
but a station on the way to Ron, who is the love of my
life. Don't get me wrong: Rick's role in my life was so much more
than a way station; I valued his love and his friendship, and I
appreciate the gifts he possessed and the gift that he was and is,
not only in my life but in the lives of so many other people.
I miss him.
And come to think of it, I miss Maya too, as
much of a pain in the ass as she was, and as tragic a figure as a
captive wolf truly is.
Most of all, on this saddest of anniversaries, I am deeply
grateful for all of the people -- human and otherwise -- who have
been and are in my life.
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