Flipper is out to get us

As science advances, it is getting more and more difficult to know what to believe. I’m not just talking about that recent astronomy debacle that resulted in Pluto being stripped of its planethood; the problem exists throughout all areas of science – astronomy, physics, medicine, biology, metaphysics, cryptozoology, etc. Researchers are constantly coming up with new information about a given subject, while at the same time other researchers are uncovering totally contradictory information about the same subject.

Dolphins are a case in point. Lots of people really love dolphins, and many believe that the dolphins love them right back. In fact, some of the most respected metaphysical researchers working today believe that dolphins were sent to this planet for the sole purpose of helping us humans evolve spiritually. I have to admit there’s quite a body of credible evidence to back them up.

For example, I received an email the other day offering me a gift directly from the dolphins. At least that is what it said on the subject line. The gift being offered was something called "KorManu," described as "A Revealed Art of Transformation." Actually, it wasn’t a gift in the classical sense, since if I’d chosen to accept it, it would have set me back $125.00 USD or more. But I was willing to overlook this seeming inconsistency because the information was so intriguing.

"Today," intoned the email, "you step through a gateway of your own choice. Not many individuals have moved through this sacred gateway of self-knowledge and understanding. This sacred passage is causal and will be a catalyst for your highest attainment as well as for the healing of others. By accepting this energy you vow to use all knowledge forthcoming in only love. Know that this method is from the stars and is used extensively throughout the various civilizations throughout the cosmos."

Despite the subject line, this missive was signed not by the dolphins but by The Great White Brotherhood. However, I think the GWB is working for the dolphins, or vice versa; I am not quite sure. On the other hand, it could be that this particular Great White Brotherhood is some sort of shark union, rather than the more familiar consortium of Ascended Masters and Illuminati. But since the dolphins are involved, I'm sure it's all on the up-and-up.

Actually, when I receive these types of emails I am never entirely sure about who’s writing what and who’s doing whom, since the writers so often use the passive voice and are otherwise cryptic. It seems that in these emails, things are always being "revealed" or "received" or "given" or "manifested," but they are rarely clear about just who is doing the revealing or receiving or giving or manifesting.

But never mind that. I wanted to find out more about this "KorManu" gift that the dolphins were offering to sell me, and I was in luck, for the very next paragraph offered this helpful explanation:

KorManu means ‘core creation’ or ‘first work’ and embodies a multi-dimensional model of energy and thought. KorManu was originally received through two Reiki Masters in the Pacific Northwest of the United States in 1993 from The Great White Brotherhood on the inner planes. It is ancient and futuristic and has been birthed in the language of the dolphins. This system of energy work has a laser like quality which is dramatic, intelligent, powerful and creative. It has comes to us from the fourteenth dimension which is the full circle of past, present and future. KorManu assists in opening the "gates within".

This is a two step process. Individuals who receive these attunements will be inspired by Spirit in the moment, and will bring through many other symbols and methods of moving Light. The actual time requirement for this process is minimal. The results are profound.

All those interested in facilitating greater healing energies in their bodies and in their healing services to others and the Earth are welcome to receive KorManu. For more information on this dynamic process, please contact Ariel at trinityariel@verizon.net.

The message ended with this invocation: "Selamut Gajun!! Selamat Ja!!" This, the writer explained, is Sirian for "Be one!! Be Joy!!" Not "Syrian," mind you, but "Sirian." I wasn’t sure if this is the language spoken on Sirius, the Dog Star, or the language spoken by the Sirenians, aka the manatees and dugongs. But it doesn’t matter; I am always open to learning a new foreign language.

I studied the message with great care. I was particularly concerned with that bit about the fourteenth dimension. As I’ve previously noted, I have enough trouble making my way in three or four dimensions; the fourteenth dimension is almost too much for me to even think about. But if the dolphins went to all that trouble to pop up into the fourteenth dimension just to shop for a gift for me, I owed it to them to at least see what they had to offer. So I went to the Dolphin Energies website mentioned in the email, and learned more about who the dolphins really are:

Dolphins are master healers and keepers of the light upon planet earth. They are highly evolved omni-dimensional beings who live in the oneness. Their role is similar to that of the angelic kingdom. They are here to watch over us, to help us and support us, and to guide us on our remembrance to radiant wholeness. Their love for humanity is profound. Like the angels, the dolphins' influence transcends time, space and physicality. It is not necessary to be in their physical presence to be healed by them and to receive their gifts. Now, more than ever before, humanity as a whole is ready and willing to receive the profound gifts the dolphins have to share.

As it turns out, dolphins are also Reiki practitioners. Coincidentally, it was Reiki practitioners who first received the teachings of KorManu. Naturally, these Reiki folk were on the West Coast of the US, which, it seems, is the place where most of the truly edgy ideas get revealed and manifested. There is even a Dolphin Reiki Meditation on the Dolphin Energies web site, and it’s a simple meditation anyone can do. Here are some highlights:

Breathing in dolphin love to body, mind and soul.. Envision yourself by a body of water...A glowing sun shines down on the calm water. In the distance you see dolphins. You hear their sounds...They call to you.

Slowly you enter the water allowing yourself to be submerged in the energies...Ahead of you the dolphins wait...they have been waiting for you along time…hearing your call, and welcome you. Beckoning you onward...You swim forward until you are close to them...They greet and smile, and watch you warmly come to them...surrounding you in love and everlasting peace...Somewhere in your soul there is recognition of their peace and connectedness, sounds, energies, thoughts. They have come to take you on a spiritual journey through the gateways of the physical world to the higher realms...Swim with them…

So I was doing the meditation, and just as I found myself swimming in peace and joy and light, surrounded by smiling cetaceans, and well on my way to my own imagined paradise, I was rudely jolted back to the third dimension by the sound of the phone ringing. I picked it up, and there on the other end, by spooky coincidence, was a well-known dolphin expert. He was returning a call I’d placed earlier, when I first began researching this piece. Intuitively I knew that any spiritual, feel-good notions I’d had about dolphins were about to be shattered.

The expert in question was Dr. Dell Finnaday, Ph.D., a Marine Mammal Biologist at Southern California University of Sciolism. The controversial Dr. Finnaday claims to have decoded the language of dolphins and whales and to have come closer than any human ever has to getting inside the cetacean mind.

"All of my research on dolphins," Dr. Finnaday told me, "reveals that they don't actually like humans very much. As a matter of fact, they hate us. Further, my research teams have uncovered clear evidence that dolphins’ smiles are phony.

"Put yourself in the dolphins' place and you can understand what I'm talking about. You've probably experienced the ordeal of unexpected, uninvited guests showing up at your door. You put a big phony smile on your face, don't you? Well, that's just what dolphins are doing when we show up uninvited at their ‘homes.’ They really do wish we would just stay the heck out of their waters."

Why, then, hasn’t this information been made available through all the research by the late Dr. John Lilly, or even by the Dolphin Hyper-Resonance movement? "Look, everybody knows Dr. Lilly was floating in isolation tanks and taking some really good drugs when he did that dolphin research," said Dr. Finnaday. "’Nuff said, all right? And as for Dolphin Hyper-Resonance; well, let’s see...that all started with a piece of machinery rigged up by some basement hobbyist named Bob in Colorado. Oh, I suppose it’s possible his Molecular Emission Scammer is picking up something besides a bunch of suckers willing to part with big bucks in order to tune into ‘universal love’...but between you and me, I think Bob has spent just a little too much time in his basement."

Dr. Finnaday paused and then continued, "Many dolphins have communicated to me that they particularly hate those organized ‘dolphin swims’ – you know, when a bunch of earnest, affluent, environmentally correct humans get together and decide they want to swim with the dolphins. Naturally, the dolphins are too polite to protest. But the stress of forced politeness does eventually take a toll, and hundreds of dolphins end up taking their own lives in tuna fishermen's nets – an option that is increasingly being denied to them, by the way."

There's more bad news, according to Dr. Finnaday. "Whales, for the most part, don't like us any better than dolphins do," he said. "Incidentally, my researchers have finally solved the mystery of why whales beach themselves. Virtually every beached whale we've talked to is actually trying to commit suicide, and the whales are very irate over the fact that whenever one of them tries to end his or her life with dignity, the act is interrupted by hordes of California compassion fascists who swarm to the beach intent on ‘rescue.’ A right whale communicated to me recently, ‘Where's that Dr. Kevorkian fellow when we need him?’"

The tragedy of cetacean existence, Dr. Finnaday explained, is that whales and dolphins are intelligent enough to know they are miserable and to know whose fault it is, but inadequately equipped to do anything about it. And all of their efforts to escape their misery are stymied by humans. "In the end," said Dr. Finnaday, "the only certainty is this: If dolphins and whales ever figure out how to get out of the ocean, and if they ever develop limbs and opposable thumbs and advanced weaponry...we humans had better watch the hell out."

So who are we to believe – the Reiki dudes or Dr. Finnaday? Do those "minds in the waters" love us or loathe us? I’m sure there will be even more illuminating and contradictory research in the years to come. Meanwhile, just to be on the safe side, I’d stay out of the oceans if I were you. If the dolphins don’t get you, the Great Whites will. It might be best to stay away from rivers as well; I hear that otters are getting pretty aggressive these days too. We might as well face it: nature is out to get us.

Once again, and with apologies to those who have read the work in question, I have borrowed from Cosmic Relief. Although the first part of this post was from a real email I recently received, Dr. Dell Finnaday and his misanthropic cetaceans are my own invention. But frankly, I think my stuff is closer to the actual truth than the la-la stuff.