Whirled Musings

Across the Universe with Cosmic Connie, aka Connie L. Schmidt...or maybe just through the dung-filled streets and murky swamps of pop culture -- more specifically, the New-Age/New-Wage crowd, pop spirituality & religion, pop psychology, self(ish)-help, business babble, media silliness, & related (or occasionally unrelated) matters of consequence. Hope you're wearing boots. (By the way, the "Cosmic" bit in my moniker is IRONIC.)

Wednesday, September 03, 2008

On hurricanes, the Universe, fan mail, and a song

Wow, it's September already. It's been a busy few days and now I'm getting ready to retire to the living room and watch the Republican debacle, but I thought I'd share a few snippets first.

Farces of nature
Gustav has come and mostly gone, and fortunately didn't decimate New Orleans, although he was responsible for nearly a hundred deaths in the Caribbean. I am sure that the Hurricane Whisperer herself, Phoenix/Spirit Diva, aka Lynn Marks, who has claimed to be successful in calming numerous 'canes, will soon be taking credit for helping to talk Gustav out of being more awful than he was. Phoenix/SD led a telephone meditation for this very purpose a few nights ago; I was invited to join but had other plans. Anyway, I'm looking forward to reading the message Phoenix channeled from Gustav. As of now, her most recent channeling is from Hurricane Dolly, whom I mentioned here a couple of weeks ago. Here's part of what Dolly had to tell us:
Peace is your birthright.
Peace is the fertile soil for love to spring forth.
Everything has its natural life cycle.
Me, you and even those levies [sic] in Texas
As they were in New Orleans.
I can't wait to hear the words of love and wisdom from Gustav.

All this talk of hurricane taming puts me in mind of an excellent suggestion that my new pal
Mojo shared in her comment to one of my recent posts. In response to my breaking the news that the sun is going to explode next July unless a large enough group of like-minded folks get together and stop it, Mojo suggested this:
Start a movement to get everyone together to think Good Thoughts and "attract" the sun into NOT blowing up next July. Sort of like that hurricane lady, only instead of calming tropical storms you can calm stellar explosions.

You can also take a page from Blair Warren [his classic "Mr. Amazing's Magic Rocks"] and sell magic sun-explosion-preventing rocks... Thus keeping with the fine self-help tradition of just ripping your schtick off from other people. Or as I prefer to call it, "standing on the shoulders of giants", or however that one goes. (It all just kind of mushes into one big vat o' poo after a while, don't it?)

I KNOW this will work, because I myself am the proud possessor of the world's first "make the sun rise every morning" rock. Every evening I meditate and praise my rock for doing such a good job, and sure enough the next morning it works again! And I'm open to joint ventures and affiliates, so long as I don't have to do any work...

The great thing about selling "keep the sun from exploding" rocks is, unlike those other SCAM rocks YOU can offer a money-back guarantee. "If the sun explodes at ANY TIME during your ownership of this rock, merely ship it back to us postage due (That's RIGHT! We are so confident of our rocks WE PAY THE SHIPPING!) and your money will be cheerfully refunded. No questions asked!"
Thanks to helpful readers such as Mojo, I am getting closer and closer to actually finding a good scam. Which seamlessly leads us into our next snippet...

Mr. Fire 'splains the workings of the Universe
If you've ever wondered how the Universe really works, you're in luck. I found this scientifical illustration on the site advertising Joe Vitale's new Romance Attractor "subliminal" CD set:
How the Universe Works

So y'all can forget all those stuffy astrophysicists and other "experts" with their real Ph.D.'s, and you can forget all of those episodes of Nova, and those books by the late Dr. Carl Sagan. All you really need to know about the Universe is that it is in direct communication with your unconscious mind, and vice-versa. The deal is, no matter what you consciously think, say or believe, the Universe bypasses all of that and goes straight for the part of you that is totally inaccessible – inaccessible, that is, unless you buy certain books/DVDs/subliminal products/coaching services, etc., which Mr. Fire just happens to sell.

If you don't shell out your money for these products and/or services, then your unconscious and the Universe will continue to be in cahoots against you. Your unconscious will talk about you behind your back, sending secret messages up to the Universe about you, giggling at your failures, telling jokes at your expense, and so on. And the Universe will say, "Wow, what an unworthy dweeb!" and it will keep on sending you things and people and events that you don't like, and/or failing to send you things and people and events that you do like. And you will have only yourself, or, rather, your unconscious, to blame.

If you do buy the helpful products and/or services, you have a chance of beating your unconscious into submission (otherwise known as "clearing") so that it only says nice things about you to the Universe, and the Universe is obliged to finally start rewarding you with things and people and events that make you happy.

The drawback is that since it's your unconscious, you'll never be completely aware of what's really going on there, so bad things might continue to happen to you, because your unconscious exists to sabotage you and will keep on doing so, unless you keep it thoroughly "cleared."

Fortunately there are always more products and/or services to buy, and you can just keep on buying and buying and buying until good things start happening in your life. Even then you will probably still need to keep on buying for the rest of your life in order to ensure that the good things keep happening. It's kind of like being an insulin-dependent diabetic, except you probably won't actually die if you don't continue to buy those scientistical selfish-help products; you'll just be unhappy for the rest of your life and wish you were dead. Or maybe a better analogy would be the one that Mark Victor Hansen so smugly used when putting Steve Salerno down on Anderson Cooper's show a few years back (and I'm paraphrasing here): you need to take a shower every day in order to stay clean and non-smelly, and you need to keep buying selfish-help crap frequently in order to stay selfishly helped.

And that's the way the Universe works.

PS added Saturday 6 September:
I got this in from Whirled Musings' resident poet, HHH, who is also an artist and, obviously, a man who understands how the Universe really works. Or at least the New-Wage/selfish-help Universe:
Another couple of fan letters
I received these kind words the other day, in response to a post I wrote in May of 2007 regarding up-and-coming hustledork Chris Howard (and some of his more clueless affiliates):
Anonymous said...

I agree with you…
You should never attend one of Chris Howard’s seminars.

You are far too negative and closed minded, plus very egotistical to attend anything that just may show you up as being self-centered and opinionated.

Carry on with your one eyed comments in your own little world in blogger land. Where you reign supreme and get your jollys off with pathetic comments from like minded closed minded people like you.

5:36 AM

Anonymous said...

oh how pathetic, you're the only one to gets to say what you want to say... any blog moderated is a waste of time reading or commenting on

5:37 AM

To which I replied:
Anon, you obviously feel very strongly about Mr. Howard, as evidenced by the fact that you felt compelled to write not once, but twice.

FYI, I will publish any comment that is not overtly profane or in some way actionable (i.e., libelous).

And no, moderating blogs is not a waste of time. If this blog weren't moderated, then the aforementioned profane or actionable comments would be automatically published, along with spam messages about online gambling and penis enlargers. We do try to stay on topic here. :-)

Anyway, it's obvious that my post strongly affected you. Believe me, I do understand that disillusionment is never easy, and I only hope you didn't shell out too much money on your hero.
I thought I'd do Anon a favor and bring this up to the front page.

Why do the chickens have human arms?
And finally, here is a plaintive little song to carry you into the weekend. I know, I know, it's not the weekend yet, but it will be before you know it. (Warning: if you are at all offended by use of the "f" word or by references to recreational drug use, do NOT follow this link.)

* * * * *

And that's it for now. I hope to soon have an update on the ongoing saga of the Blunder From Down Under, David Schirmer... plus a thoughtful and well-researched post about a serious social problem... and oh, so much more. So much to blog about, so little time to blog.

For now, I'm off to the living room to watch that big spectacle in Minnesota, and get in some quality yelling-at-the-TV time. Apparently Mitt Romney just finished telling everyone that liberals/Democrats are to blame for our government getting too big for its britches. I suggest you hop on over to Steve Salerno's blog for some engaging discussions about that carnival/soap opera we call an American presidential election.

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Anonymous hhH said...

I have a song too, for all those self helpers and secreteers religionarians and politicklers.
It's their theme tune. Whistle it merrily whilst doing the dishes.


Wednesday, September 03, 2008 9:28:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Wonderful little ditty you directed me to there, jon la jolie obviously owes a lot to another of my current faves (again pointed out by you) the fabulous and authentic Dreaming Bear.

Thursday, September 04, 2008 4:58:00 AM  
Blogger Cosmic Connie said...

Pretty apt, HHH, thanks. :-)
Here's a TinyUrl link in case anyone has trouble with links that extend for two lines:


Thursday, September 04, 2008 9:45:00 AM  
Blogger Cosmic Connie said...

Anonymous 4:58 AM said...
"Wonderful little ditty you directed me to there, jon la jolie obviously owes a lot to another of my current faves (again pointed out by you) the fabulous and authentic Dreaming Bear.

(Is that you in disguise, HHH? :-))
Dreaming Bear is authentic, all right: an authentic phony. The difference between DB and Jon is that Jon is *intentionally* funny.

Of course there's always the possibility that DB is doing his shtick as a comedy routine too, in which case I guess the joke is on me. But I rather think he's playing it straight. His giggly, giddy fans certainly seem to be.

Thursday, September 04, 2008 9:52:00 AM  
Anonymous Hhh said...

Nope, not me. I think maybe DB has had a taste of the divine medicine, in one form or another, even if he is a bit eccentric.
I'd pay at least £5 for a DB gig, maybe £4.50.
I'm going to have to check out the latest DB odes.

I will find out what the hell a tiny URL is.

Thursday, September 04, 2008 11:47:00 AM  
Anonymous hhH said...

No, I don't think he's really a phony. I don't see that sort of mask of carniverous crocodile greed you see on a lot of the new agers.
I do see him going for the all time unbeateable world record for sexual metaphors in a poem.
Anyway, I've got to accept him for what he is because he told me to about twenty times in one poem.

Thursday, September 04, 2008 12:07:00 PM  
Anonymous hHh said...

Goddamnit Cosmic Connie, now I just want to sit around a camp fire listening to the elders tell tales of our ancestors.

Anyway, I'm glad to see he's out of his wheelchair. I mean, do you know how many black cockerels I had to sacrifice to make that happen?

Thursday, September 04, 2008 12:46:00 PM  
Anonymous mojo said...

Gosh, what with his unsmiling visage combined with his GIANT SAIL-LIKE PUPPY EARS, no WONDER poor Mister Stickman is so unlucky in luuuuv.

Speaking of luuuv--luuuv the song, BTW. Made my day. Then again, I take a certain perverse pride in not setting the bar too high...

Thursday, September 04, 2008 2:36:00 PM  
Anonymous HhH said...

GUess what Cosmic Connie, I was watching 'The genius of Charles Darwin' and I thought 'wait a minute, that's the naked cowboy!'
And it is, at 0:58 secs.

Thursday, September 04, 2008 5:24:00 PM  
Anonymous HHh said...

I'll scrape the bottom of the trivia barrel with my very teeth, for, Cosmic Connie.

Thursday, September 04, 2008 5:27:00 PM  
Blogger Cosmic Connie said...

HHH, I'm sure that DB's restored mobility is worth every cockerel you had to sacrifice. :-)(But I still think the wheelchair was mostly a pity prop.)

BTW, TinyURL is a great site for people like me who are still too HTML-illiterate to actually place a hyperlink in plain text. It prevents having to copy and paste looooooooooong links.

Thursday, September 04, 2008 6:32:00 PM  
Blogger Cosmic Connie said...

Mojo, I'm sure that if Mister Stickman listens to Mister Fire's subliminal Romance Attractor Factor CD, he will attract the Miss Stickwoman of his dreams. Or at least he might capture the attention of a stick insect, and those things can get pretty amorous, as I learned a couple of months ago when watching that mating pair I yammered on about here.

BTW, regarding the subliminal CDs that Joe V is advertising, his partner in that venture is Pat O'Bryan, who actually is a very talented musician. Fortunately the CD sets include a CD with Pat's music only, so you don't have to listen to "Dr." Joe's Hypnotic Commands.

And speaking of music, I am glad you liked the song I linked to. As you no doubt noticed, the artist has other YouTube offerings. I'd stay away from "2 Girls 1 Cup," though.

Thursday, September 04, 2008 6:42:00 PM  
Anonymous mojo said...

2 Late regarding "2 Girls". :-( I tend not to be offended by people when they're being purposefully offensive, but "2 Girls" is NOT one to send home to Mother. (At least not *MY* mother.) I *DO* sort of wish I could have gone through life unaware of the existence of the original video that inspired it, but Say La Vee.

Being relatively ignorant of his product line (and to be honest I know of it mostly through the Whirled Filter, which, while amusing, has rarely inspired much further research), I'm not wholly sure what's up with Mr. Fire and Son of Mr. Fire, AKA Mister Stickman. Does Vitale have such little regard for his own products he ACTUALLY illustrates them with this sort of thing? He doesn't bother to "attract" (or, in lieu of that, pay for) a professional graphics person? He's never heard of work-for-hire artists on any of those freelance sites, where college students will pimp their skills for next to nothing just to plump up their portfolios? Can True Joy and Fulfillment only come at the expense of Beauty and Aesthetics, or, barring that, at least a vague knowledge of layout and design?

Pass. Besides, the Favorite Husband already knows the Romance Attractor Secret. It's called "treating the other person with respect and decency". Or maybe it's "sushi". Hmmm. Better make it both, just to be on the safe side...

Friday, September 05, 2008 12:37:00 PM  
Anonymous hhH said...

Dreaming Bear Catches a Bus

Waiting in the stillnes under the soft tender velvet black belly of the goddess of the night, staring at the stars scattered across the sky like snot speckles sneezed onto a serene computer screen. Hold my hand, my dear, as we playfully penetrate the threshold of the wide open womb. Cast off the pain cloak of bitterness and holding back and let's ride the surgng power to our divine destination without shame clouding our love light. Let us ride the power of the fire deep inside. The internal combustion of loves stellar alchemical gasoline knows nothing of binding timidity in it's authentic god smile galactic gearshift. We can share our seat with any stranger on this transcendant transport trip, welcoming brother and sister, fellow traveller on this pulsing engine throb powered womb of the tender transport company of lifes deepest desire. Those who deny your individuality, your sensuality, frame you with an identity from their own iniquity and complain that you are free secretly long to ride on your seat, thigh to thigh and eye to eye and scribble ephemeral graffiti on the misted window of the universe with me.

Phew that's enough. I've got to hand it to DB, you have to have considerable reserves of inspiration for this stuff.

Friday, September 05, 2008 2:56:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I can't believe it, Cosmic Connie you have turned up (or perhaps nurtured in the heaving bosom of your blog)yet another authentic love-god. I demand a picture of the divine wordsmith Dreaming HHH, barechested on a horse with the wind in his hair or even waving his phallic sages staff from his wheelchair.
How many cockerels would I sacrifice to have that ditty crooned into my ear? At least three with arms.

Friday, September 05, 2008 8:01:00 PM  
Blogger Cosmic Connie said...

Mojo, I'm sorry my warning about "2 Girls" came 2 Late. I didn't actually look at the video till some time after I'd posted the link to "High As F%$#K."

Regarding Mr. Fire's stick figure, I have to say that's not representative of most of his material, which is for the most part professionally produced these days. I'm sure the stick figure was something he originally drew on a white board at one of his talks or seminars, and he got a good response from his audience and therefore he thought it would play well in other forums.

He does have a tendency, particularly where some of his joint ventures are concerned, to throw together a web site and put it up on the Net (or have someone do it for him), complete with design and content glitches. The sites may look kind of crappy but as long as they continue to get responses (i.e., make money), he and his jv partners have no particular motive to spiff them up.

But speaking of stick figures, take a look at the one I just added, courtesy of my favorite poet, HHH. I don't usually focus so heavily on matters scatological, but this one was too good to pass up.

Finally, I think you and your Favorite Husband may be on to something you could sell. "Respect, Decency, and Sushi: The Real Path To Lifelong Romance."

I'll be your first affiliate.

Saturday, September 06, 2008 1:00:00 PM  
Blogger Cosmic Connie said...

HHH, I could really see and feel Dreaming Bear on that bus. You're a better DB than DB himself.

Saturday, September 06, 2008 1:03:00 PM  
Blogger Cosmic Connie said...

Anon 8:01 PM wrote:
"How many cockerels would I sacrifice to have that ditty crooned into my ear? At least three with arms."

Yes, I am honored to be able to host a forum for such glorious, profoundly spiritual poetry. HHH, you have a growing fan base here. ;-)

Saturday, September 06, 2008 1:06:00 PM  
Anonymous hhh said...

Arms? Eh?

Saturday, September 06, 2008 2:36:00 PM  
Anonymous HHh said...

I don't want fans, I want groupies.

Saturday, September 06, 2008 9:27:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

"If you do buy the helpful products and/or services, you have a chance of beating your unconscious into submission (otherwise known as "clearing") so that it only says nice things about you to the Universe, and the Universe is obliged to finally start rewarding you with things and people and events that make you happy."

If this is really the case then that Aussie guy in the secret must REALLY hate himself.

Monday, September 08, 2008 12:52:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Side tracking a bit from the main topic.....hurricanes on for Scientologists. Maybe Access Energy Followers next?


Monday, September 08, 2008 6:56:00 PM  
Anonymous mojo said...

Wow, great job, HHH! Both the picture and the, uh, poetry. I also see by your drawing you are enlightened enough to be cosmically aware of that Elusive Secret THIRD DIMENSION! Ooooh! That must make you, like, a PHYSICIST as well. Time to put a bunch of random letters after your name!

I am officially a groupie. Let the brainless shrieking commence!

Tuesday, September 09, 2008 6:40:00 AM  
Blogger Cosmic Connie said...

HHH said:

"I don't want fans, I want groupies."

Judging by Mojo's comment below, it looks like you got your wish, HHH. You're on your way!

Tuesday, September 09, 2008 9:55:00 AM  
Blogger Cosmic Connie said...

Anon 12:52 PM, "that Aussie guy in The Secret," David Schirmer, probably does secretly hate himself, though he's still apparently blaming his troubles on (1)a jilted ex-lover; (2)depraved and amoral Aussie journos; and (3)Satan. And he'll be able to start a whole new round of blaming now that the latest "A Current Affair" exposé has been aired. I'll provide a link just as soon as I get one.

Tuesday, September 09, 2008 10:01:00 AM  
Blogger Cosmic Connie said...

Anonymous 6:56 PM said...

Side tracking a bit from the main topic.....hurricanes on for Scientologists. Maybe Access Energy Followers next?


Maybe, Anon, but ACCESS is not nearly as well known as Scientology (though a lot of ACCESS was apparently "borrowed" from Scientology), so it may be a while.

And even if France is successful in its efforts against Scientology, I wouldn't hold my breath waiting for fraud charges against Scientology to stick in other places, such as the USA; Scientology seems to have a lot of powerful lawyers, not to mention Hollyweirdos, on its side.

Still, the development in France is encouraging. Of course the Scientologists will fight it, and if they can't win they'll likely don the mantle of martyrs for religious freedom. And no doubt their fellow Scientologists in the States will make a big deal out of their heroism and martyrdom, and will probably even make a DVD about it, complete with narration by Cruise, Travolta, Kirstie Alley, etc.

BTW, I'm not suggesting that Scientology should be banned here or anywhere else, because I do believe in religious freedom. I also believe people have a right to be idiots, which to me fits right in with Scientology (and ACCESS).

OTOH, I think people should have a right to freely express their opinions about Scientology and ACCESS without being threatened with lawsuits, as some Scientology critics here have been in the past.

Tuesday, September 09, 2008 10:17:00 AM  
Blogger Cosmic Connie said...

Congratulations on becoming an HHH groupie, Mojo. May you be the first of many. :-)

Tuesday, September 09, 2008 10:19:00 AM  
Anonymous hhh said...

Thanks. I still don't get the cockeral/arms connection.

No, anonymous, the only picture you can have of me is the one in your mind at night, unless you show me first.

Actually the naked cowboy gets a lot of photo-op time in Dawkin's Darwin documentary. He is shown as an example of peacocking to attract a mate. Who would have thinked it?

Wednesday, September 10, 2008 6:20:00 PM  

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