Whirled Musings

Across the Universe with Cosmic Connie, aka Connie L. Schmidt...or maybe just through the dung-filled streets and murky swamps of pop culture -- more specifically, the New-Age/New-Wage crowd, pop spirituality & religion, pop psychology, self(ish)-help, business babble, media silliness, & related (or occasionally unrelated) matters of consequence. Hope you're wearing boots. (By the way, the "Cosmic" bit in my moniker is IRONIC.)

Friday, August 31, 2007

Another fried day

Snippets and scraps again on this steamy hot August Friday evening (or Saturday, for those in other parts of the world)…

Another Dean (this one not a hurricane)
Mega-bestselling author
Dean Koontz, whose quirky suspense novels have sold circles around those of most of the New-Wage/selfish-help gurus, takes some pretty good potshots at the New-Wage industry in his 2003 novel, The Face. In this novel, protagonist Ethan Truman, an ex-cop who’s now security chief for a famous movie star, teams up with his former partner Lester "Hazard" Yancy to foil a possible kidnapping and murder plot against Ethan's employer. Several murders have already been committed that seem related to their case, and the two men have some strong clues that the brains behind these murders, as well as the dastardly plot against the film star, is a local college professor. They’re just not certain which professor. One of the profs they track down turns out not to be the murderer, but something infinitely more annoying: a professional hustledork.

The professor who had organized the one-day seminar on publicity and self-promotion was Dr. Robert Vebbler. He preferred to be called Dr. Bob, as he was known on the motivational-speaking circuit, where he promised to turn ordinary, self-doubting men and women into doubt-free dynamos of self-interest and superhuman achievement.

Ethan and Hazard found the professor on the mostly deserted campus, in his office, preparing for a January speaking tour. The walls of the two-room space were papered with portrait posters of Dr. Bob in a size popularized by Joseph Stalin and Mao Tse-tung.

He had a shaved head, a handlebar mustache, a red-bronze tan that established his contempt for melanoma, and laser-whitened teeth brighter than irradiated piano keys...

…Dr. Bob managed so successfully to turn the answer to every question into a mini-lecture on self-esteem that Ethan wanted Hazard to arrest him on charges of felony cliché and practicing philosophy without an idea.

(That last bit sure sounds like a lot of those Secret stars, doesn’t it? Such as this one…)

Ethan and Hazard soon conclude that Dr. Bob is not their man:

He was just as quacky as Donald Duck, but he was no more a murderer than was that excitable mallard. He hungered to be famous, not infamous. Donald had on occasion attempted to kill Chip and Dale, that pair of pesky chipmunks, but Dr. Bob would instead motivate them to give up their rodent ways and become successful entrepreneurs.

God…I mean Prime Source…has some political advice
You may have thought the Creator of the Universe was solely on the side of the religious right. But it turns out He/She/It is a Democrat, and not only that, He/She/It names names when it comes to telling us who the good guys and gals are.

I just received this info from Extreme Lightworker Bryan James via my favorite New-Wage spam service. Bryan is the dad of two Indigo kids and is also the owner of Circle of Lights, whose mission, he says, "is to provide support for Lightworkers and their families, through state-of-the-art services and products that enhance their Light and prepare them for greater service to the planet, our universe and all creation. Our goal is to help create a critical mass of higher frequency energy that will raise the planet's vibration and lead all creation into the New Age."

Anyway, Bryan had a very important message from Prime Source (or "God" to you unenlightened souls) regarding a US politician:

Prime Source says: "It is important that we provide support for those who are supporting the ascension process on Earth. We can do this by establishing contact with them through our Higher Selves as we offer our hearts to them.

"As we draw closer to the end, we will raise up several who will lead you to ascension. They will help prepare the Earth and your society for the changes that will come. One such person is Nancy Pelosi. She will be working very closely with us as we move your planet forward to the next level. Please support her all you can."

All-righty, then! Bryan does not say what it is about Nancy Pelosi that is so vibrationally advanced, or what she is doing to aid in the Earth's ascension, or, for that matter, what we need to be doing to support her, so I guess you're on your own there. I just thought I'd pass the news along.

By the way, Bryan adds that the Nether Worlds Reclamation Project, in which souls stuck in Hell are being rescued and taken home, is still going well. According to Bryan, "…over 100,000 souls are now being rescued, rehabilitated and sent home every day. Please continue to send your Light, prayers and best wishes for the full recovery of the remaining souls currently undergoing treatment."

Lately, though, he hasn’t been encouraging the rest of us to go to Hell ourselves to help out, nor does he provide instructions on how to do so, as he once did. My guess is that the Holy Mother and Bryan had so many eager volunteers for their rescue effort that the place got way too crowded and chaotic. Or maybe they had too many folks who were merely claiming to have made the trip in order to get the free prize Bryan was offering (a chakra acceleration or something like that), but they had no way to substantiate that the claimants really had been to Hell and back, so the volunteer program was cancelled. Or maybe Bryan just got tired of my making fun of his project. (You see, it’s always all about me. I’m a narcissist, after all.)

Pro bonehead
It’s not enough that the New Wage has infiltrated the once pristine arena of politics; it is also seeping into the noble profession of law. I received an email ad from a pleasant looking fellow named Duane Light, a "California-licensed
Holistic Lawyer and spiritual life coach with almost 20 years experience." Duane "offers spiritually-based coaching to Light-minded people throughout the US."

Here’s what he says, in part, about his holistic legal coaching and consulting:

As a Coach I help you analyze your situation and support you to clear emotionally, find your highest guidance, and plan the best way forward to implement your values. As a consultant I can guide you generally in how the legal system works and how best to navigate it to save time and money and reduce stress.

My first job is to create a safe and confidential space where everything that you say, and all that you are, is held in compassion and confidentiality, and then to deeply listen. I aim to be your trusted advisor, friend and guide, to help you to move through whatever situation you have with your highest values intact and your heart open.

…I work with my clients to find the highest possible outcome for all involved.

If that doesn’t sound like your cup of legal tea, there’s always Houston-based Simmons & Fletcher, "the Christian trial lawyers." Speaking of which… oh, darn, I just missed the Christian Trial Lawyers Association "Major League Trial Tactics" seminar in my fair city. Apparently it took place last week, and Ken Starr, a true Christian lawyer if there ever was one, was the featured speaker. Oh, well...there's always next year.

Scientist Bob: take note!
My friend
Tony Michalski pointed out an intriguing web site for people who are interested in quantum physics – the kind that is taught by real scientists, that is, not the kind they teach in The Secret and What The Bleep?!?

"When Bob Proctor and the gang can claim they've done what is listed on this web page, THEN and ONLY THEN can they talk about quantum physics," Tony wrote, adding, "And that goes for Rhonda and Ramtha and anyone else." Tony, by the way, is currently making his way through The Road To Reality: A Complete Guide to the Laws of the Universe, by Roger Penrose. Which makes me feel like sort of an intellectual slacker for reading Dean Koontz, but there you are.

Blair Warren, who was in on the conversation, jokingly responded, "Nice try, Tony, but I don’t see a single book by [he named a few bestselling New-Wage gurus] or any other ‘real’ physicists on that list. How is all that pseudo-science going to ‘attract’ any wealth to us at all? I thought we were all looking for scams. This is no help at all."

To which Tony replied: "How about a course entitled ‘How to Use Super-Gravity and Super Symmetry to Lead a Super-Empowered Life!’? Or ‘You are Quantum ... Hear You ROAR!’ Or ‘How the Hyperbolic Nature of Space- Time Can Bring You Money, Cars, AND Even the Girl of Your Dreams.’

"How could you NOT see those possibilities?"

The thing is, Tony… some of the New-Wage gurus are already offering things like that. So, I’m sorry, but I think we’re going to have to look beyond the quantum world if we want to come up with a truly original scam.

Well, that’s it for now… it’s been a long day, and The Rev and I have a busy weekend ahead of us. See y'all soon!

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