Whirled Musings

Across the Universe with Cosmic Connie, aka Connie L. Schmidt...or maybe just through the dung-filled streets and murky swamps of pop culture -- more specifically, the New-Age/New-Wage crowd, pop spirituality & religion, pop psychology, self(ish)-help, business babble, media silliness, & related (or occasionally unrelated) matters of consequence. Hope you're wearing boots. (By the way, the "Cosmic" bit in my moniker is IRONIC.)

Sunday, July 30, 2006

Here comes the Wayne again

Every once in a while I come across a truly life-changing book-like product that is so earth-shatteringly splendid, it makes my hands shake, my toes curl, my third eye fill with tears of elation and my sixth sense quiver with the thrill of discovery (though, of course, not completely unexpected discovery) – and I just have to share my joy with everyone I know. The newest work from Dr. Wayne W. Wired, All I Really Need To Know I Learned From a Dead Butterfly, is one such product.

Dr. Wired, as I probably don’t need to tell you, is the author of such perennial bestselling book substitutes as The Real Magic Of My Erogenous Zones; Sacred Self-Abuse; How To Have No-Limits Eyebrows...and the list just goes on and on and on. And on. His 1996 work, Instant Wisdom: Marvelous Maxims for People Who Are Just Too Busy To Think, was made into a PBS series and is still one of Pay House Publisher’s strongest backlist titles. Another of his works, You’ll Believe It If I Say It, was on the best seller lists for 362 weeks and is currently being made into a nude musical.

I love all of Dr. Wired’s works, but Instant Wisdom has long been one of my guiding beacons. Here are some of the life-altering truths Dr. Wired shares in this classic collection of printed and bound pages:
  • People are people, no matter what.
  • No matter how hard I flap my arms, I’m probably not going to be able to fly...but I MIGHT develop some pretty strong arms, and that’s reason enough to keep on flapping.
  • By affirming that you are what you are, and breathing that are-ness aloud, you can reenergize yourself for your entire life’s journey.
  • I have no choice but to accept that I have exactly five toes on each foot...no more, no less.
  • The light that shines in the darkness is the light that illuminates the night.
  • We put labels on people and labels on food packaging. Maybe all labels are unfair, but thanks to the US government, at least the labels on food packaging give us information we can use. If we’re going to label people anyway, don’t we have a right to know a person’s sodium content?
  • You can about-face your life by discovering the sacred self that is within you: the higher self, the authenticated person living inside you who is not attached to your own ego, but to mine.
Now, stuff like that is a tough act to follow.

But Wayne Wired, true to form, has outdone himself.

How does Dr. Wired keep coming up with this marvelous material? I couldn’t begin to say, but I can tell you that this prolific sage, whose words have inspired millions of people the world over, has created another work of astounding insight. His latest offering is something more than his usual collection of observations, quotations and random bits of wisdom gleaned at odd moments during his busy days. Usually he writes while showering, power walking from his master suite to his home Imax theater, prayerwalking through one of several private labyrinths on his estate on Maui, or cleaning out his eyebrows. But his newest work came to him in a most unusual way. More on that momentarily.

Without a doubt Dr. Wired is one of the most popular speakers and authors who has ever lived. And there’s a good reason for that: he is a genius, pure and simple. Dr. Wired’s genius lies in his remarkable ability to create thoughts for people who are too busy or simply too confused to create their own. He has a gift for packing a world of wisdom into one or two sentences, and in his new product this gift shines more brightly than ever.

In his groundbreaking new work, Dr. Wired goes beyond mere motivation into the sacred realm of inspiration. In the process he takes us on one giant leap through quantum physics and the meaning of life. He explains how we – even I, and very possibly you too – can rediscover our true purpose, and how, despite the fact that life often seems to be a series of accidents, we have in fact chosen to enter this world of particles and crumbs.

All I Really Need To Know I Learned From A Dead Butterfly is one of the most inspiring books I have come across in a long time. In fact, it inspired me so much that I almost felt as if inspiration were…how shall I say it?…my true calling. I can’t explain the feeling; you will simply have to experience it for yourself.

Amazingly, much of this book was channeled to Dr. Wired by a Monarch butterfly that got tangled up in one of his eyebrows one day. With the utmost care he disentangled the butterfly and then, as he tells it in his foreword,

Scooping the fragile creature up into my hands, I held it for an infinite moment, and it whispered to me of Mozart, Arthur Miller, quantum physics, Indian poets and many other things. The balmy breezes of Maui, where I spend much of my year, rippled through my eyebrows and over my back hair as I listened to the butterfly. As strange as this may sound to the uninitiated, I knew intuitively that this ephemeral being had singled me out to hear – and then spread – its gentle message. After it had whispered enough to fill a book, it quietly made its transition, right there in my hands.

I did not weep for what most people would see as the “death” of this butterfly, for I knew it had fulfilled its purpose. Silently chanting passages from the Hawaiian Book Of The Dead (of which I have one of the original manuscripts, discovered in the ancient burial grounds behind my home on Maui, where I spend much of my year), I chopped up the butterfly and put it on my dinner salad along with some edible weeds and ground yohimbe bark. Following my repast I went swimming in the ocean – which I can do whenever I want to because, as I mentioned previously, I live on Maui most of the year, and other beachy places the rest of the year – and I meditated. Mostly I thought about a title for the new book the butterfly had channeled to me...
The experience with the butterfly led Dr. Wired not only to write his new “book,” as he calls it, but also to change his dietary habits. Now existing almost solely on a diet of Monarch butterflies and yohimbe, he spends his days in a state of excruciating bliss and chronic priapism. Though he has already seriously endangered the world Monarch populations, he believes it is all for a higher purpose. Eating the butterflies has brought him to a new level of enlightenment, he explains, and that can only be a good thing for the world. Regarding the yohimbe, he only says, “If I ever find a human partner again, watch out!” (I for one am staying away from Maui.)

Wayne Wired is currently at work on his next dozen or so book-like products, soon to come to your favorite online bookstore’s used-item marketplace***.


*** Speaking of used-item marketplaces, portions of the above were lifted straight from the pages of Cosmic Relief , which as of the day before yesterday ranked at an impressive #2,836,953 in Books on Amazon. My apologies for the dozen or so people who may have read this stuff previously...but I was feeling a little lazy today.


Anyone who is actually interested in eating insects should check out the cookbook, Butterflies In My Stomach, or Insects In Human Nutrition, by Ronald Taylor (1975, Woodbridge Press, Santa Barbara, CA). This classic work offers all sorts of recipes featuring our six-legged friends. Want a recipe for fried locusts or grasshopper fritters? Here's your book...if you can find it.

For some reason, Amazon lists this book as having an “unknown binding” (exoskeleton, perhaps?). That's not all that Amazon doesn't seem to know about this work, for the book described on the Amazon page is not, in fact, Butterflies In My Stomach, but some sort of vegetarian cookbook. That's why I didn't link to the Amazon listing. You might, however, find Butteflies In My Stomach at a used bookstore or garage sale. So, cook away...just don’t invite me to dinner that night.

Disclaimer: Dr. Wayne Wired is an invention from my own brain, and I am in no way insinuating that any real people who have become incredibly wealthy by producing book-like products actually eat Monarch butterflies. That would be a bad thing, as they are endangered -- the butterflies, that is. So don't eat them. Leave click beetles alone too; I think they're cute (and also too little to eat).

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Anonymous Anonymous said...

Just from reading a few of these --almost Dave Berry(esque).

Tuesday, August 01, 2006 2:59:00 PM  
Blogger Cosmic Connie said...

You silver-tongued devil, Rodg. There could be no higher praise...thanks! :-)

Wednesday, August 02, 2006 12:33:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Shakes head from excessive cynicism......
I can't believe I've found someone that knows more than me.
Ad H

Thursday, April 08, 2010 7:19:00 AM  
Blogger Cosmic Connie said...

Geez, Anon April 8, you must have just discovered this blog. (You did see the date on this post, right?) You're late to the party, but welcome!

Thursday, April 08, 2010 12:04:00 PM  

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