The Aquaware dare

Dear Ones, I am very excited about an astounding breakthrough in…well…everything, potentially. A while back I blogged about some software called Aquaware, developed by a company called Aquafrequencies. Here's what Aquaware is and does, according to its creators:

In brief, Aquaware is software for PCs which impregnates water with
frequencies that are able to bring about objectives in the water-based human body. Those frequencies create geometrical forms that modify water's snowflake-like liquid crystals which, after ingestion, bathing, showering or direct application, then modify you at the cellular and molecular levels, and even at the level of your DNA, according to selectable intent. It's truly a marvel and works almost unbelievably well.

They have all kinds of specialized products too, such as LightBody for weight loss.

Simply put, Aquaware LightBody is software for your PC, surprisingly effective and very simple to use. You could teach anybody to use it in five minutes. The program impresses water with frequencies that are able to lose your fat for you, and easier and quicker than you might think. We had testers who lost fat the first day, and many within a matter of days.

Then there's SmokeErase to help you quit smoking.

Simply put, Aquaware Smokerase is software for your PC, surprisingly effective and very simple to use. You could teach anybody to use it in five minutes. The program impresses water with frequencies that are able to quit your smoking for you, and easier and quicker than you might think. We had testers who quit the first day, and many within a matter of days.

And so on.

Now I admit that I was kind of making fun of Aquaware in my original post. Some people didn't seem to be aware of this, and one wrote to me that the Aquaware folks had ripped off the technology from someone else.
Well, yesterday I got this email from a man I will refer to as J for now.

Hello, Connie. I'm [he gave me his full name], from Aquafrequencies, codeveloper of Aquaware, the software that modifies water you and your fellow bloggers so blithely and, forgive me for saying so, naively ridicule. I'm always amazed at the facetiousness and condescension of armchair experts who opine without investigating, without so much as gaining a modicum of education regarding anything they're summarily dismissing. Open people generally leave that to science and religion. As I intuit that you're quite open, I think possibly you were catering to your audience to some extent.

The fact is that we can prove everything, scientifically and otherwise. The fact is that I can program your water in Houston from where I sit, and you'd have absolutely no doubt whatsoever in your mind that what I have done is objective fact. We use what we do to cure all diseases, rapidly and effortlessly, but this is something we can't publicly discuss, as you probably well know.

In addition, the woman who posted on your blog regarding theft, etc., is deeply disturbed and is using Websites, blogs, forums, etc., to try to divert traffic to her Website and away from ours. We're extremely well-funded so we don't actually care what she does, but for some, as in your case, we have to set the record straight. We know precisely what we're doing and how we're going to - phase by phase - introduce this next stage technology to the world. Our planning involves years.

My proposal to you is to let me prove it, and I guarantee you I will, and then have you post on your own blog some measure of retraction to your presently uninformed flavor of sarcasm. Actually, your text is ingenious, as it teeters with admirable dexterity between what could be construed as sarcasm and what could be construed as sincerity. If you did that purposefully, well done.
You game?

Am I game?!? You bet I’m game, J.! I’m an "open person" for sure!
Up till now I’ve shared J’s email with a few of my email pen pals. My friend Blair responded:

This [guy] says, "The fact is that I can program your water in Houston from where I sit, and you'd have absolutely no doubt whatsoever in your mind that what I have done is objective fact."
I’d love to know what happens to water when it is "programmed."

Does it look different? Taste different? What specifically?

And why do I get this feeling it will come in a pretty blue bottle?

Good questions to ask.

But then my own Rev Ron piped in with an even better idea than J had originally suggested:

I told Connie that she should publicly take the guy up on his offer, but to tell him that rather than be selfish and have him "reprogram" the water at our house, he should "reprogram" the water at M.D. Anderson Cancer Center here in Houston. If he’s the real deal, there should be a spontaneous and widespread cure for all those cancer patients. We’d be glad to provide the address, GPS coordinates, anything he needs to get the job done. If he can pull that off, I’ll personally promote [him] and kiss his hiney on Good Morning America, Oprah, and Larry King Live!

Right on, Rev! And just to get J and his partners started, the map above contains a link that will give more information about just where MD Anderson is. Now, I know I’m probably not supposed to discuss the disease-curing properties of Aquaware right now, due to those party-poopers at the FDA and all that, but darn it all, this news is just too good to keep to myself. If the Aquafreq’s are in fact curing disease, and can prove it in every way it needs to be proven, why not announce it to the world? And instead of wasting time on little old me and my complaints about lousy-tasting tap water, let’s put the technology to work where it is truly needed.

Matter of fact, I think I should give a heads-up about this exciting new breakthrough to some of those wet-blanket blogging docs, such as Dr. Panda Bear, M.D. Dr. Bear has been spending a great deal of time and effort eloquently skewering "alternative/complementary" therapies and defending allopathic medicine – when in fact the whole allopathic v. alternative debate is moot, since the technology developed by the fine folks at Aquafrequencies can easily and effortlessly cure every disease.

So… how about it, J.? Are you game to really prove, scientifically and otherwise, that you can make a difference for those thousands of cancer patients? Houston – and the entire medical world – are waiting.

PS ~ In case any of y'all are thinking of trying Aquaware yourself, here is the link to the Terms Of Use page on the Aquafrequencies web site. It's very detailed, so study it carefully. Maybe you should smoke something first, though.

PPS ~ It occurs to me that this could all be a hoax, and the joke's on me. If so...hey, good one, J!

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Must be something in the water...

Call it synchronicity, or perhaps I just "attracted" it with the Aquarius-themed graphics I've been playing with. Or maybe the fact that I was born under the sign of the Water Bearer has something to do with it. But I have just received a very exciting email about water and the Age of Aquarius.

"Now is the time," the email began. "It all starts now. As you read this, the excitement will build. Although you haven't known it, you've been waiting for this message."

Well, I love to find out about stuff I've been doing that I didn't know I was doing. In recent weeks I've been getting some lectures on that very subject, from various self-proclaimed experts. But had I really been waiting for this particular message? I couldn't begin to tell you. I did find myself getting excited, however, although that may have been partly due to the fact that The Rev happened to come into my office while I was perusing the email, and as he read over my shoulder, he slowly began to...oh, wait. Sorry. It's not that kind of blog.

Exciting news poured forth from the email:

We humans are prewired for limitless potential at a preplanned juncture in
time. Now is that time. Our sleeping DNA are awaiting frequencies - also
planned for eons - to awaken them and trigger them to express to their
fullest potential. Our company and what we're producing are a large part of that plan. We have the frequencies for the Aquarian Age. And guess what? You guessed it. Water is involved.

Well, of course water would be involved. And I've certainly blogged about water before. But this was something new, something even more scientifically advanced than the Water Blessing Labels I've previously written about. The email continued:

The Aquarian Age we are just entering is about water, the power of water -
She is the Water-Bearer* - and we have been guided to design and build an
extraordinarily powerful yet simple software tool called Aquaware as a
technological trigger for this abundant and amazing age we're moving rapidly into.

Well, I imagine you're excited too now, and you want to know just what Aquaware is, and how it works.

I'm afraid it's a bit too scientific and technical to go into on a blog like this, but I will share with you the explanation in the email:

In brief, Aquaware is software for PCs which impregnates water with
frequencies that are able to bring about objectives in the water-based human body. Those frequencies create geometrical forms that modify water's snowflake-like liquid crystals which, after ingestion, bathing, showering or direct application, then modify you at the cellular and molecular levels, and even at the level of your DNA, according to selectable intent. It's truly a marvel and works almost unbelievably well.

This is like nothing that's come before in terms of software or other
technological means - different approach, different math, different delivery
mechanism, different everything, and the change in the physical properties
of the water can be observed directly, including a difference in taste,
texture, wetness, etc. And as much water as you've worked with before, water modified with Aquaware will nevertheless surprise you in a big way.

I bet by now you are so excited you're about to wet yourself. If you're going to do that, don't you think you'd have a better overall experience if the vibes in your pee were accelerated via Aquaware?

The good news is that you can try Aquaware risk-free.

As it's free to try in order to prove it to yourself, there is nothing to
lose except everything that is toxic in your system of being, along with all
other superfluous detritus that no longer serves you. You'll adjust with
grace, beauty, power and intended effortlessness to the more natural you
that is prepared for limitless creativity and play in the coming Cosmic
Party.

The power of Aquaware is absolutely majestic. If you're an intuitive or are
otherwise sensitive to energy, you will know it upon the first few seconds
of being on the Website.** The excitement will immediately begin. In fact, it
has begun in you even now. We can feel it as we write this text.

My hands are shaking, and I bet yours are too. So c'mon, go with the flow; pay a visit to the Aquaware folks today. Or, as they put it in the email: "Explode into your new way of being by visiting Aquafrequencies today."

* Notwithstanding the fact that Aquarius is, in fact, an Air Sign.
**Hmmm....where have we heard something about magical Websites before?

Something to wet your interest...

I'm so excited I'm about to wet myself. I just received an email announcing the new generation of Water Blessing Labels from the folks at The Spirit of Water. I blogged about these products last month, and I'm thrilled that the product line continues to evolve. While the first labels were inspired by the movie, What The Bleep Do We Know, these new ones owe their existence to the glorified infomercial The Secret. The Secret, as you may know, is all the rage in enlightened circles; it has even hit the mainstream now that Larry King has run his own two-part infomercial, "Beyond Positive Thinking," to promote the movie's "stars" (as well as some other spiritual mercenaries from What The Bleep).*

Anyway, these new "Law Of Attraction" Water Blessing Labels are now on sale for a special "pre-release" price of $8.00 a sheet (regular price $9.95). They're static-cling and reusable, and, like their predecessors, they are "consciously created." Included in the new line are such powerful, original and awe-inspiring phrases as, "Reach for your dreams," "Follow your bliss," "Assume an attitude of gratitude," and "Be here now." All you do is stick 'em on your water, put the water in you, and be prepared for lots of good stuff to come your way. Or at least be prepared to reach for your dreams, be here now, etc. What could be easier?

PS. Just in case you don’t feel like following the link to my previous water blog, I suppose I’d better give a nutshell (emphasis on the first syllable?) explanation of the Water/Law Of Attraction connection. This entire concept is based on the work of Japanese metaphysician Dr. Masaru Emoto, who has produced a small stack of books about the hidden messages in water, the secret life of water, the hidden agendas of water, etc. According to Dr. Emoto and his legions of water-crazy minions, H2O is a near-magical substance, or at least a conscious one that is responsive to the emotions and thoughts of those around it. Dr. Emoto has proven this with scientific experimentation and photographs. If you yell or cuss at water, it will behave badly. If you sweet-talk it, it will respond accordingly. And since we humans are three-quarters water, as is our blessed planet, it is of vital importance that we bless all of the water around and in us. There are many ways to do this, but one of the most effective is to apply clear, static-cling labels to the water we drink or bathe in. The water will then absorb those nice words and transfer the magic to us.

As I said, what could be easier?

* If you're interested, here's a link to a transcript of Part 1 of Larry King's "Beyond Positive Thinking" infomercial, which originally aired on Thursday, Nov. 2, 2006.

Water you doing the rest of your life?

Lately I have been getting a deluge of emails about water. It seems that good old H₂O is becoming a liquid asset for more and more new age entrepreneurs. It could be that I’m attracting all of these messages simply because I’ve written and thought about the subject so much recently. For example, in my Oct. 1 post, I blogged about a company that offers temporary tattoos specifically designed to heal or enlighten anyone or anything you stick them on. Since these tats are based on real science, according to their makers, I figured they must work. So convinced was I of their power that I was on the verge of designing a temp tat of my own to put on our kitchen faucet. I thought it might make our truly awful tap water taste better.

Now I’ve found out that I might not have to go to all that trouble. I just received an email from a company called The Spirit Of Water, and guess what they make? Water Blessing Labels. The company’s slogan is, "Transform all your water into liquid prayers." They offer a wide range of clear labels with words such as, "love," "gratitude," "miracles," "joy," "serenity," "prosperity," and "self-love."

These decals are all carefully designed to transform water, as well as whoever drinks the transformed water. You can stick them just about any place where there’s water or liquid of any kind – food jars and bottles, medicine bottles, I.V. bags, pet water, plant water, hoses, faucets, showers, bathtubs, car windows, mirrors, refrigerators, aquariums, hot tubs, oceans, etc.

Water Blessing Labels work pretty much the same way the aforementioned temp tats work – by communicating your powerful intentions to the items you stick ’em on (as well as to the Universe, of course). We already know from the works of Dr. Masaru Emoto and the movie What The Bleep Do We Know? that water is sensitive to words, just as plants were back in the 1970s when Peter Tompkins wrote that bestselling book about their secret lives. So it only makes sense that if you slap a sticker on your water, it will respond to the words on that sticker. And if you subsequently drink the water, you'll soak up whatever good intentions it absorbed from those magical words. You could just eliminate the middle man and put the stickers on your own body, I suppose, but no doubt you’re already covered with temp tats, so you might as well put the decals on your water, as the Universe intended.

And you'll be glad you did, because once you start stickering your water, your life is sure to change. As the Spirit of Water people explain it, "When you put your intentions into your water, you are putting your water in action for you. 'Water in action equals the Law of Attraction.'"

Like I said, real science.

The Water Blessing Decals come in collections of fourteen to sixteen labels, selling for $9.95 per collection (bulk discounts are available). Each collection is devoted to a specific theme; currently available are "Healing Medicine," "Prosperity" (no big surprise there), "Sacred Symbols," "Personal Growth," "Sacred Feminine," and "Feng Shui." Notably missing is the Sacred Masculine, or even the Profane Masculine, but maybe that’s coming next. The Feng Shui and Sacred Symbols collections are actually symbols rather than words, but they are every bit as effective as the word decals because they are "imbued with the purity of the spiritual tradition in art."

I know what you’re thinking, and it’s the same thing I was thinking when I first got the email: Hey, I have the font that the Water People used, or something that looks a lot like it, and I have some transparent labels and a good printer; why can’t I just make my own Water Blessing Labels? But then I dug a little deeper and discovered that the Spirit of Water folks "used an artistic and sensitive approach in selecting the right words to convey deep personal intentions." And that made me realize that since these decals are so powerful, their design is best left in the hands of sensitive, spiritually aware professionals. The only problem is, there still doesn't seem to be a decal specifically to make foul-tasting water palatable. So I may be on my own there after all.

Now, if you've tried using decals and temporary tats and your water still isn't behaving, and your life is still pretty sucky, it’s possible that your water is illiterate. You can put the most profoundly loving words on your H₂O, but if it can’t read them, you’re SOL. You could teach your water to read, I suppose, but that can be tricky. Or you could try using the symbol decals instead of the word decals, but then you might run into cultural / spiritual-illiteracy challenges. (Redneck water, for example, is unlikely to have any earthly notion about what the yin-yang sign means. And even I don’t know what most of those other symbols stand for.)

That’s where the magic of sound comes in. Even the stupidest water is likely to understand a good sacred chant. That’s why you might be interested in an upcoming workshop that promises to teach you "How To Achieve Extraordinary Vibrational Energies." Batteries are not necessary for this kind of vibrational energy; instead, the magic key is something called "Pineal Toning™," which allows you to experience "a melting of dimensional barriers."

Melting dimensional barriers has always been one of my top priorities. For a long time I’ve felt that the biggest problem facing the human race is that most of us are stuck in the third dimension, which is a shame because there are so many more dimensions, most of which are way more fun than this one. Pineal Toning™ allows us to escape the confines of the 3D world. If you’re wondering exactly what Pineal Toning is, or how it tackles those pesky dimensional barriers, I’m not quite sure. But I do know it has something to do with sound, specifically, with a chant that activates the pineal gland, which is associated with the sixth chakra or the tenth chakra, depending upon which chakra system you subscribe to. Pineal Toning, as it turns out, was developed in the lab of the good Dr. Emoto. And it must be pretty powerful, because it somehow induced Tokyo tap water to produce beautiful symmetrical crystals. This is significant because, according to Dr. Emoto’s lab, it is very difficult to get any type of crystals to form in Tokyo tap water, which apparently has a horrid reputation. Yet after a few moments of "vibrational immersion in the Pineal Tone," the Tokyo sample had been transformed from a "chaotic, polluted appearance" to an appearance that "suggests clear, healthy water." No word on if anyone drank it or not, and if so, how it tasted, but who cares? It's the appearance that counts.

And if Pineal Toning can do this for Tokyo tap water, just think what it can do for you. According to the ad, if you attend this workshop you can not only experience "intense and amplified vibrational states," but you can also "increase your awareness and abilities," and "learn to grow younger by the day." A participant in a 2005 vibration workshop said, "Again and again I found my body circling around its central axis – fast and slowly, clockwise and counter clockwise through changes of colors…and energies and all around my heart I felt little sensations, like being filled past full…" To me that sounds like a combination of good hallucinogenics and a really large sex toy, but then, what do I know?

The next Vibrational Energies workshop will be held in San Diego November 4 and 5, 2006, with an optional November 6 session. Tuition is $333 right now, but $377 after Oct. 12. Oops, that’s today, so you'd better hurry. Lunch is provided for the first two days, but tuition is reduced if you are fasting or if you are a breatharian. A breatharian is a person who doesn’t eat or drink but lives solely on light or life force or some other universal substance you probably can’t pick up at the supermarket. If that sounds like the lifestyle for you, click here for more information. But if you are interested in Pineal Toning, you will have to attend the vibrational seminar, because for some reason "these tones are only available live and in person!" Click here to sign up, or for more info send an email to seminars@gematria.com.

I didn’t see any indication that Dr. Emoto himself is going to be at the November vibrator vibration workshop, but he will be on The Ocean of Gratitude Cruise to Panama, Costa Rica and Belize this coming February 20-28. Dr. Emoto and "a host of engaging presenters" will "amplify the frequency of gratitude with practical tools, intuitive practices and experiential activities." There will be water, water everywhere, so Dr. E. and his pals will have a lot to work with, as they show you how to…

• ANCHOR Gratitude into your life with practical tools, intuitive practices and experiential activities
• EXPLORE the principles of Gratitude applied to Sacred Commerce, health, creativity and much more
• ENHANCE your ability to gracefully surf the waves of change
• EXPAND your connections within our growing family of Gratitude
• BASK in the warmth of conscious conversations, uplifting music and Caribbean sunshine
• SWIM in a bountiful ocean of fun, joy and relaxation

You will also learn how to "step into the infinite field of YES!"

Sounds like fun to me, but I think I'll have to pass, since rates start at $1,299 per person. (If you register before November 1, 2006, though, you’ll receive a $100 discount.) As for me, as soon as it stops raining here I’m going to step outside into the finite field of grass and trees and dog poop, and slap a few "clearing" and "transformation" decals on the outside of our above-ground pool. Maybe that'll get rid of the leaves and dead bug bits without the Rev and I having to actually pick up the dip nets or the pool vacuum. I’ll let you know how it goes.

Tats incredible

Imagine my delight the other day when I received an email with the subject line, "Here is JOY for YOU – Intense and especially ecstatic happiness!" Naturally, the first thing I thought was, "Oh, boy! A new drug – hopefully one that’s safe, legal and cheap!"* Then I thought, "Nah, probably a new meditation technique or powerful new exclusive technology or something else I’d have to actually work at, and, worse, pay big bucks for." At that I began to feel a bit discouraged, even morose.

I needn’t have been so gloomy. Turns out that this new path to joy is nearly as effortless as taking a drug, and much less risky. You do have to pay for it, but, unlike your average powerful new exclusive technology, it’s not all that expensive.

The amazing truth is that I can change my life just by adorning my body with a Crystal Zen Temporary Tattoo.

I am probably one of the last remaining humans under the age of 90 in the developed world whose body is completely free of tattoos. Matter of fact, I don’t have any piercings either. Even my ears aren’t pierced. Why would I want to poke holes in a perfectly good pair of earlobes? After all, I have little use for jewelry, particularly earrings. If I want to wear earrings I can wear the clip-on kind. Live lizards, for example, make great clip earrings, at least until they let go of your earlobes.

But I digress. I’ve never been all that interested in getting a tattoo, whether permanent or temporary. However, these Crystal Zen products are clearly different from your run-of-the-mill tats, as indicated in the email, which asks: "How do you imagine your life to be? Do you see yourself in peace and celebration of life? We at Crystal Zen hope your life is filled with joy, serenity, and love. Our tattoos are specifically designed to offer your body spiritual healing and positive inspiration through the power of intention."

Having previously blogged about the power of intention,** I was all ears. Or eyes.

"Crystal Zen temporary tattoos are definitely not just another tattoo," the email assured me. "Thanks to the movie ‘What the Bleep’ and Masaru Emoto's ground breaking work, we know that positive words, thoughts and feelings have an impact on the world around us."

Dr. Emoto, a Japanese Doctor of Alternative Medicine, is a true hero among the conspicuously enlightened crowd, mainly by virtue of his book, The Hidden Messages In Water. I have previously mentioned Dr. E. in this blog too. In a nutshell, his H₂O-wow book explains how water crystals can be influenced, for better or worse, by our words and thoughts. If you think happy thoughts about water, this will inspire the water to form lovely symmetrical crystals. If you think bad thoughts or say bad words to water, it will form unattractive crystals. And so forth. The same goes for food molecules. For example, if you cuss at rice, it might get moldy or at least really cranky. If you tell it that it’s wonderful and that you love it, it will respond in kind. I know that goes against the grain, so to speak, of conventional thought, but no problem – if enough folks start believing this stuff, it will become conventional thought.

As it happens, we were just talking about water on Steve Salerno’s SHAMblog the other day. Mere moments after I posted my second comment on his water thread, I received this water-related email. Talk about synchronicity.

The email went on to say, "We have created Crystal Zen temporary tattoos to provide harmony and to transform your unconscious beliefs on many different levels. Whether meditating on the concepts, appreciating the beauty of the art or allowing the magic of healing to occur on a spiritual and subtle level, Crystal Zen temporary tattoos were designed to inspire creative possibility through the power of healing the skin, body, and mind through words and messages."

In case you haven’t figured it out already, here is the water connection: "Water is sensitive to a subtle form of energy and because 70% of your body is water this may have a positive effect on a more subtle level." Therefore, if you stick good words on your body, good things will happen in your life. I noticed that virtually all of the Crystal Zen tattoos address emotions or abstract states of being, such as "joy," "luck," "abundance," "grace," etc. That’s all well and good, but I wonder if temp-tat technology could have medical applications as well, particularly to address specific conditions that have to do directly with fluid (e.g., premenstrual water retention, edema, bladder control problems, etc.). The possibilities are intriguing, although they probably do not bode well for the pharmaceutical and medical industries. But that's okay; the drug companies have enough money already. So I am considering developing my own product line: CosCon's Medical TempTats, an example of which you see here.

I also wonder this: if temporary tattoos are so powerfully effective, wouldn’t a permanent tat be even more so? Of course, that would make it more difficult to change one’s intentions, but still, it’s worth looking into. And I’m sure someone will; it is only a matter of time before most major cities have at least one Powerful Intentions Tattoo Parlor in the trendy part of town.

But for those who have a problem with commitment (or with the vision of sagging tattooed flesh a few decades in the future), temporary tats are worth considering. And for those who want their tats to actually do something as well as say something, a Crystal Zen tat might be just the ticket while you're waiting for the CosCon product line. As the Crystal Zen web site says, "Everyone who sees them is drawn to them and whether their favorite is abundance, freedom or grace, our tattoos give inspiration and offer spiritual healing through positive thinking and the power of water."

Perhaps I’ll order a few cards of these tats and plaster them all over myself and see what happens. I’m sure the Rev will be standing by with his digicam at the ready. Meanwhile, I’m designing a "Marginally Tolerable Flavor" temp tat to stick on our kitchen faucet, with hopes that it will transform the taste of that swill they call tap water in my part of the Bayou City. I'm tired of paying for filters. Or maybe I should just try to sweet-talk the swill and see what happens. It's worth a shot.

* I know, I know – that magical combination of "safe, legal, & cheap" simply doesn’t exist in the world of euphoric drugs. But one can always hope…
** For more on intention (moron intention?), click here.