Another fried day

Snippets and scraps again on this steamy hot August Friday evening (or Saturday, for those in other parts of the world)…

Another Dean (this one not a hurricane)
Mega-bestselling author Dean Koontz, whose quirky suspense novels have sold circles around those of most of the New-Wage/selfish-help gurus, takes some pretty good potshots at the New-Wage industry in his 2003 novel, The Face. In this novel, protagonist Ethan Truman, an ex-cop who’s now security chief for a famous movie star, teams up with his former partner Lester "Hazard" Yancy to foil a possible kidnapping and murder plot against Ethan's employer. Several murders have already been committed that seem related to their case, and the two men have some strong clues that the brains behind these murders, as well as the dastardly plot against the film star, is a local college professor. They’re just not certain which professor. One of the profs they track down turns out not to be the murderer, but something infinitely more annoying: a professional hustledork.

The professor who had organized the one-day seminar on publicity and self-promotion was Dr. Robert Vebbler. He preferred to be called Dr. Bob, as he was known on the motivational-speaking circuit, where he promised to turn ordinary, self-doubting men and women into doubt-free dynamos of self-interest and superhuman achievement.

Ethan and Hazard found the professor on the mostly deserted campus, in his office, preparing for a January speaking tour. The walls of the two-room space were papered with portrait posters of Dr. Bob in a size popularized by Joseph Stalin and Mao Tse-tung.

He had a shaved head, a handlebar mustache, a red-bronze tan that established his contempt for melanoma, and laser-whitened teeth brighter than irradiated piano keys...

…Dr. Bob managed so successfully to turn the answer to every question into a mini-lecture on self-esteem that Ethan wanted Hazard to arrest him on charges of felony cliché and practicing philosophy without an idea.

(That last bit sure sounds like a lot of those Secret stars, doesn’t it? Such as this one…)

Ethan and Hazard soon conclude that Dr. Bob is not their man:

He was just as quacky as Donald Duck, but he was no more a murderer than was that excitable mallard. He hungered to be famous, not infamous. Donald had on occasion attempted to kill Chip and Dale, that pair of pesky chipmunks, but Dr. Bob would instead motivate them to give up their rodent ways and become successful entrepreneurs.

God…I mean Prime Source…has some political advice
You may have thought the Creator of the Universe was solely on the side of the religious right. But it turns out He/She/It is a Democrat, and not only that, He/She/It names names when it comes to telling us who the good guys and gals are.

I just received this info from Extreme Lightworker Bryan James via my favorite New-Wage spam service. Bryan is the dad of two Indigo kids and is also the owner of Circle of Lights, whose mission, he says, "is to provide support for Lightworkers and their families, through state-of-the-art services and products that enhance their Light and prepare them for greater service to the planet, our universe and all creation. Our goal is to help create a critical mass of higher frequency energy that will raise the planet's vibration and lead all creation into the New Age."

Anyway, Bryan had a very important message from Prime Source (or "God" to you unenlightened souls) regarding a US politician:

Prime Source says: "It is important that we provide support for those who are supporting the ascension process on Earth. We can do this by establishing contact with them through our Higher Selves as we offer our hearts to them.

"As we draw closer to the end, we will raise up several who will lead you to ascension. They will help prepare the Earth and your society for the changes that will come. One such person is Nancy Pelosi. She will be working very closely with us as we move your planet forward to the next level. Please support her all you can."

All-righty, then! Bryan does not say what it is about Nancy Pelosi that is so vibrationally advanced, or what she is doing to aid in the Earth's ascension, or, for that matter, what we need to be doing to support her, so I guess you're on your own there. I just thought I'd pass the news along.

By the way, Bryan adds that the Nether Worlds Reclamation Project, in which souls stuck in Hell are being rescued and taken home, is still going well. According to Bryan, "…over 100,000 souls are now being rescued, rehabilitated and sent home every day. Please continue to send your Light, prayers and best wishes for the full recovery of the remaining souls currently undergoing treatment."

Lately, though, he hasn’t been encouraging the rest of us to go to Hell ourselves to help out, nor does he provide instructions on how to do so, as he once did. My guess is that the Holy Mother and Bryan had so many eager volunteers for their rescue effort that the place got way too crowded and chaotic. Or maybe they had too many folks who were merely claiming to have made the trip in order to get the free prize Bryan was offering (a chakra acceleration or something like that), but they had no way to substantiate that the claimants really had been to Hell and back, so the volunteer program was cancelled. Or maybe Bryan just got tired of my making fun of his project. (You see, it’s always all about me. I’m a narcissist, after all.)

Pro bonehead
It’s not enough that the New Wage has infiltrated the once pristine arena of politics; it is also seeping into the noble profession of law. I received an email ad from a pleasant looking fellow named Duane Light, a "California-licensed Holistic Lawyer and spiritual life coach with almost 20 years experience." Duane "offers spiritually-based coaching to Light-minded people throughout the US."

Here’s what he says, in part, about his holistic legal coaching and consulting:

As a Coach I help you analyze your situation and support you to clear emotionally, find your highest guidance, and plan the best way forward to implement your values. As a consultant I can guide you generally in how the legal system works and how best to navigate it to save time and money and reduce stress.

My first job is to create a safe and confidential space where everything that you say, and all that you are, is held in compassion and confidentiality, and then to deeply listen. I aim to be your trusted advisor, friend and guide, to help you to move through whatever situation you have with your highest values intact and your heart open.

…I work with my clients to find the highest possible outcome for all involved.

If that doesn’t sound like your cup of legal tea, there’s always Houston-based Simmons & Fletcher, "the Christian trial lawyers." Speaking of which… oh, darn, I just missed the Christian Trial Lawyers Association "Major League Trial Tactics" seminar in my fair city. Apparently it took place last week, and Ken Starr, a true Christian lawyer if there ever was one, was the featured speaker. Oh, well...there's always next year.

Scientist Bob: take note!
My friend Tony Michalski pointed out an intriguing web site for people who are interested in quantum physics – the kind that is taught by real scientists, that is, not the kind they teach in The Secret and What The Bleep?!?

"When Bob Proctor and the gang can claim they've done what is listed on this web page, THEN and ONLY THEN can they talk about quantum physics," Tony wrote, adding, "And that goes for Rhonda and Ramtha and anyone else." Tony, by the way, is currently making his way through The Road To Reality: A Complete Guide to the Laws of the Universe, by Roger Penrose. Which makes me feel like sort of an intellectual slacker for reading Dean Koontz, but there you are.

Blair Warren, who was in on the conversation, jokingly responded, "Nice try, Tony, but I don’t see a single book by [he named a few bestselling New-Wage gurus] or any other ‘real’ physicists on that list. How is all that pseudo-science going to ‘attract’ any wealth to us at all? I thought we were all looking for scams. This is no help at all."

To which Tony replied: "How about a course entitled ‘How to Use Super-Gravity and Super Symmetry to Lead a Super-Empowered Life!’? Or ‘You are Quantum ... Hear You ROAR!’ Or ‘How the Hyperbolic Nature of Space- Time Can Bring You Money, Cars, AND Even the Girl of Your Dreams.’

"How could you NOT see those possibilities?"

The thing is, Tony… some of the New-Wage gurus are already offering things like that. So, I’m sorry, but I think we’re going to have to look beyond the quantum world if we want to come up with a truly original scam.

Well, that’s it for now… it’s been a long day, and The Rev and I have a busy weekend ahead of us. See y'all soon!

A lot to swallow

These days, it seems everyone is trying to cash in on The Secret and the Law Of Attraction. In a wonderful tribute to Rhonda Byrne's vision, people all over the Internet are getting, and spreading, the message of unlimited wealth and happiness, most of which can apparently be gotten while sitting on one's behind. Alas, some of these wealth-building plans are a bit beyond the budget of some folks whose visions are obviously as limited as their pocketbooks. Not to worry; there are plenty of smaller fish in the Ocean of Opulence!

I've blogged about The Spirit of Water folks before, in October and November of last year, but apparently I am still attracting important messages from them. And I just got this notice about The Spirit of Water Wealth Builder Gift Set, so I thought I would pass it on to you.

Water in Action equals the Law of Attraction. The "Secret" recommends using several positive practices to keep your desires in the forefront of your intentions. Water Blessing Labels are a silent reminder of what you want to manifest or change AND they re-structure your water's memory. You benefit both ways! See our website for this month's special gift set: The Wealth Builder Gift Set http://www.thespiritofwater.com

You obviously attracted this too. And you and I have been attracting some other neat stuff as well. For example, there's a guy named Alan Tutt who wrote a book. At least I think it is a book. The email I received not only didn't refer to Alan by name, but it didn't really say exactly what it was he was selling. For that, I had to do a bit of Googling. But the promises he sent me in that initial email, which had the subject line, "The Keys To The Secret," were so intriguing.

The body of the message bore the bold tag lines:

Today You Will Discover The Secrets
That Wealthy People Have Refused
To Reveal To Anyone!

I can’t help but quibble a bit on that one. Wealthy people seem to be crawling out of the woodwork now to "reveal" those Secrets... for a price, of course. But I can’t argue with Tutt’s promise that today could be my lucky day if I buy his product:

• You too can have a never-ending flow of money.
• Learn the easy way to attract prosperity into your life.
• Being prosperous does not require hard work.
• Bring money, love, health, & success into your life.
• Learn key secrets to attracting unlimited prosperity forever.

But wait...there's more! Alan is prepared to teach me to...

• Have anything you want easily!
• Automatically attract prosperity to you.
• A million ways to make a million dollars.
• Simple ways to attract wealth.
• Overcome barriers and obstacles to prosperity
• Prosperity Mind! How to Harness the Power of Thought
• Change your own magnetic properties and start attracting only those things you want into your life!
• How to take advantage of the most powerful tool available for achieving anything you want!
• Manifest money, success, happiness, positive relationships, or anything else you want into your life!
• and MUCH, MUCH MORE!!!

Of course, this isn’t free, because, as Alan explains, “Knowledge gained freely is very seldom appreciated. And I would like to increase my own prosperity somewhat as well.” Well, hey, at least Alan is honest! In any case, whatever it is he has to offer is a real bargain because it's only $39.95 through this email offer. But if I go to his web site, I can not only get the product for nearly eleven bucks less, I can also start right away on my own prosperity by buying resale rights to Alan's product!

For you prissy idealists who find all of this focus on material wealth a little distasteful (and really, I think y'all just need to get with the program), I want to reassure you that it’s not all about money. There truly are some lovely, idealistic people in the LOA crowd. For example, there is Aiden, Child of Light, a member of Marcy From Maui’s Powerful Intentions Forum. Aiden’s Current Powerful Intentions are:

• To live a perfectly healthy life free of diseases, discomforts, and abnormalities.
• To create loving, peaceful, and harmonious relationships with my loved ones and others around me.
• To create financial freedom and abundance.
• To enjoy life to the fullest.

Aiden’s Life Purpose is equally idealistic: “To create joy within myself and share it with others. To celebrate life!” Under “Values,” she writes: “I am a fun loving, free-spirited Child of Light who enjoys every aspect of my life. I'm kind, loving, and respectful in dealing with others but I'm not bound by rules, regulations, and social norms which only purpose is to restrict people's enjoyment of life. As long as I don't harm others or myself, I'm free to do anything to enjoy life to the fullest without fear or guilt. I'm also very open minded and excited to learn new things that enhance my life.”

But it is Aiden’s Vision that truly got me choked up:

• To have a successful internet business that creates value for others and in turn provides abundance and wealth in my life.
• To live in a waterfront mansion surrounded by nature in a tropical paradise.

Who says The Secret and the Law Of Attraction are all about narcissism and materialism?

Okay, I know you're really excited by now. But calm down, go pour yourself a tall drink of water (hopefully, water that's been properly blessed)... and then send me some money – as always, the more, the better – so I can share with you the real secrets of unlimited wealth and happiness.*

* Not really. I just have some debts I'd like to pay off before the world ends in 2012.

Water you doing the rest of your life?

Lately I have been getting a deluge of emails about water. It seems that good old H₂O is becoming a liquid asset for more and more new age entrepreneurs. It could be that I’m attracting all of these messages simply because I’ve written and thought about the subject so much recently. For example, in my Oct. 1 post, I blogged about a company that offers temporary tattoos specifically designed to heal or enlighten anyone or anything you stick them on. Since these tats are based on real science, according to their makers, I figured they must work. So convinced was I of their power that I was on the verge of designing a temp tat of my own to put on our kitchen faucet. I thought it might make our truly awful tap water taste better.

Now I’ve found out that I might not have to go to all that trouble. I just received an email from a company called The Spirit Of Water, and guess what they make? Water Blessing Labels. The company’s slogan is, "Transform all your water into liquid prayers." They offer a wide range of clear labels with words such as, "love," "gratitude," "miracles," "joy," "serenity," "prosperity," and "self-love."

These decals are all carefully designed to transform water, as well as whoever drinks the transformed water. You can stick them just about any place where there’s water or liquid of any kind – food jars and bottles, medicine bottles, I.V. bags, pet water, plant water, hoses, faucets, showers, bathtubs, car windows, mirrors, refrigerators, aquariums, hot tubs, oceans, etc.

Water Blessing Labels work pretty much the same way the aforementioned temp tats work – by communicating your powerful intentions to the items you stick ’em on (as well as to the Universe, of course). We already know from the works of Dr. Masaru Emoto and the movie What The Bleep Do We Know? that water is sensitive to words, just as plants were back in the 1970s when Peter Tompkins wrote that bestselling book about their secret lives. So it only makes sense that if you slap a sticker on your water, it will respond to the words on that sticker. And if you subsequently drink the water, you'll soak up whatever good intentions it absorbed from those magical words. You could just eliminate the middle man and put the stickers on your own body, I suppose, but no doubt you’re already covered with temp tats, so you might as well put the decals on your water, as the Universe intended.

And you'll be glad you did, because once you start stickering your water, your life is sure to change. As the Spirit of Water people explain it, "When you put your intentions into your water, you are putting your water in action for you. 'Water in action equals the Law of Attraction.'"

Like I said, real science.

The Water Blessing Decals come in collections of fourteen to sixteen labels, selling for $9.95 per collection (bulk discounts are available). Each collection is devoted to a specific theme; currently available are "Healing Medicine," "Prosperity" (no big surprise there), "Sacred Symbols," "Personal Growth," "Sacred Feminine," and "Feng Shui." Notably missing is the Sacred Masculine, or even the Profane Masculine, but maybe that’s coming next. The Feng Shui and Sacred Symbols collections are actually symbols rather than words, but they are every bit as effective as the word decals because they are "imbued with the purity of the spiritual tradition in art."

I know what you’re thinking, and it’s the same thing I was thinking when I first got the email: Hey, I have the font that the Water People used, or something that looks a lot like it, and I have some transparent labels and a good printer; why can’t I just make my own Water Blessing Labels? But then I dug a little deeper and discovered that the Spirit of Water folks "used an artistic and sensitive approach in selecting the right words to convey deep personal intentions." And that made me realize that since these decals are so powerful, their design is best left in the hands of sensitive, spiritually aware professionals. The only problem is, there still doesn't seem to be a decal specifically to make foul-tasting water palatable. So I may be on my own there after all.

Now, if you've tried using decals and temporary tats and your water still isn't behaving, and your life is still pretty sucky, it’s possible that your water is illiterate. You can put the most profoundly loving words on your H₂O, but if it can’t read them, you’re SOL. You could teach your water to read, I suppose, but that can be tricky. Or you could try using the symbol decals instead of the word decals, but then you might run into cultural / spiritual-illiteracy challenges. (Redneck water, for example, is unlikely to have any earthly notion about what the yin-yang sign means. And even I don’t know what most of those other symbols stand for.)

That’s where the magic of sound comes in. Even the stupidest water is likely to understand a good sacred chant. That’s why you might be interested in an upcoming workshop that promises to teach you "How To Achieve Extraordinary Vibrational Energies." Batteries are not necessary for this kind of vibrational energy; instead, the magic key is something called "Pineal Toning™," which allows you to experience "a melting of dimensional barriers."

Melting dimensional barriers has always been one of my top priorities. For a long time I’ve felt that the biggest problem facing the human race is that most of us are stuck in the third dimension, which is a shame because there are so many more dimensions, most of which are way more fun than this one. Pineal Toning™ allows us to escape the confines of the 3D world. If you’re wondering exactly what Pineal Toning is, or how it tackles those pesky dimensional barriers, I’m not quite sure. But I do know it has something to do with sound, specifically, with a chant that activates the pineal gland, which is associated with the sixth chakra or the tenth chakra, depending upon which chakra system you subscribe to. Pineal Toning, as it turns out, was developed in the lab of the good Dr. Emoto. And it must be pretty powerful, because it somehow induced Tokyo tap water to produce beautiful symmetrical crystals. This is significant because, according to Dr. Emoto’s lab, it is very difficult to get any type of crystals to form in Tokyo tap water, which apparently has a horrid reputation. Yet after a few moments of "vibrational immersion in the Pineal Tone," the Tokyo sample had been transformed from a "chaotic, polluted appearance" to an appearance that "suggests clear, healthy water." No word on if anyone drank it or not, and if so, how it tasted, but who cares? It's the appearance that counts.

And if Pineal Toning can do this for Tokyo tap water, just think what it can do for you. According to the ad, if you attend this workshop you can not only experience "intense and amplified vibrational states," but you can also "increase your awareness and abilities," and "learn to grow younger by the day." A participant in a 2005 vibration workshop said, "Again and again I found my body circling around its central axis – fast and slowly, clockwise and counter clockwise through changes of colors…and energies and all around my heart I felt little sensations, like being filled past full…" To me that sounds like a combination of good hallucinogenics and a really large sex toy, but then, what do I know?

The next Vibrational Energies workshop will be held in San Diego November 4 and 5, 2006, with an optional November 6 session. Tuition is $333 right now, but $377 after Oct. 12. Oops, that’s today, so you'd better hurry. Lunch is provided for the first two days, but tuition is reduced if you are fasting or if you are a breatharian. A breatharian is a person who doesn’t eat or drink but lives solely on light or life force or some other universal substance you probably can’t pick up at the supermarket. If that sounds like the lifestyle for you, click here for more information. But if you are interested in Pineal Toning, you will have to attend the vibrational seminar, because for some reason "these tones are only available live and in person!" Click here to sign up, or for more info send an email to seminars@gematria.com.

I didn’t see any indication that Dr. Emoto himself is going to be at the November vibrator vibration workshop, but he will be on The Ocean of Gratitude Cruise to Panama, Costa Rica and Belize this coming February 20-28. Dr. Emoto and "a host of engaging presenters" will "amplify the frequency of gratitude with practical tools, intuitive practices and experiential activities." There will be water, water everywhere, so Dr. E. and his pals will have a lot to work with, as they show you how to…

• ANCHOR Gratitude into your life with practical tools, intuitive practices and experiential activities
• EXPLORE the principles of Gratitude applied to Sacred Commerce, health, creativity and much more
• ENHANCE your ability to gracefully surf the waves of change
• EXPAND your connections within our growing family of Gratitude
• BASK in the warmth of conscious conversations, uplifting music and Caribbean sunshine
• SWIM in a bountiful ocean of fun, joy and relaxation

You will also learn how to "step into the infinite field of YES!"

Sounds like fun to me, but I think I'll have to pass, since rates start at $1,299 per person. (If you register before November 1, 2006, though, you’ll receive a $100 discount.) As for me, as soon as it stops raining here I’m going to step outside into the finite field of grass and trees and dog poop, and slap a few "clearing" and "transformation" decals on the outside of our above-ground pool. Maybe that'll get rid of the leaves and dead bug bits without the Rev and I having to actually pick up the dip nets or the pool vacuum. I’ll let you know how it goes.

Tats incredible

Imagine my delight the other day when I received an email with the subject line, "Here is JOY for YOU – Intense and especially ecstatic happiness!" Naturally, the first thing I thought was, "Oh, boy! A new drug – hopefully one that’s safe, legal and cheap!"* Then I thought, "Nah, probably a new meditation technique or powerful new exclusive technology or something else I’d have to actually work at, and, worse, pay big bucks for." At that I began to feel a bit discouraged, even morose.

I needn’t have been so gloomy. Turns out that this new path to joy is nearly as effortless as taking a drug, and much less risky. You do have to pay for it, but, unlike your average powerful new exclusive technology, it’s not all that expensive.

The amazing truth is that I can change my life just by adorning my body with a Crystal Zen Temporary Tattoo.

I am probably one of the last remaining humans under the age of 90 in the developed world whose body is completely free of tattoos. Matter of fact, I don’t have any piercings either. Even my ears aren’t pierced. Why would I want to poke holes in a perfectly good pair of earlobes? After all, I have little use for jewelry, particularly earrings. If I want to wear earrings I can wear the clip-on kind. Live lizards, for example, make great clip earrings, at least until they let go of your earlobes.

But I digress. I’ve never been all that interested in getting a tattoo, whether permanent or temporary. However, these Crystal Zen products are clearly different from your run-of-the-mill tats, as indicated in the email, which asks: "How do you imagine your life to be? Do you see yourself in peace and celebration of life? We at Crystal Zen hope your life is filled with joy, serenity, and love. Our tattoos are specifically designed to offer your body spiritual healing and positive inspiration through the power of intention."

Having previously blogged about the power of intention,** I was all ears. Or eyes.

"Crystal Zen temporary tattoos are definitely not just another tattoo," the email assured me. "Thanks to the movie ‘What the Bleep’ and Masaru Emoto's ground breaking work, we know that positive words, thoughts and feelings have an impact on the world around us."

Dr. Emoto, a Japanese Doctor of Alternative Medicine, is a true hero among the conspicuously enlightened crowd, mainly by virtue of his book, The Hidden Messages In Water. I have previously mentioned Dr. E. in this blog too. In a nutshell, his H₂O-wow book explains how water crystals can be influenced, for better or worse, by our words and thoughts. If you think happy thoughts about water, this will inspire the water to form lovely symmetrical crystals. If you think bad thoughts or say bad words to water, it will form unattractive crystals. And so forth. The same goes for food molecules. For example, if you cuss at rice, it might get moldy or at least really cranky. If you tell it that it’s wonderful and that you love it, it will respond in kind. I know that goes against the grain, so to speak, of conventional thought, but no problem – if enough folks start believing this stuff, it will become conventional thought.

As it happens, we were just talking about water on Steve Salerno’s SHAMblog the other day. Mere moments after I posted my second comment on his water thread, I received this water-related email. Talk about synchronicity.

The email went on to say, "We have created Crystal Zen temporary tattoos to provide harmony and to transform your unconscious beliefs on many different levels. Whether meditating on the concepts, appreciating the beauty of the art or allowing the magic of healing to occur on a spiritual and subtle level, Crystal Zen temporary tattoos were designed to inspire creative possibility through the power of healing the skin, body, and mind through words and messages."

In case you haven’t figured it out already, here is the water connection: "Water is sensitive to a subtle form of energy and because 70% of your body is water this may have a positive effect on a more subtle level." Therefore, if you stick good words on your body, good things will happen in your life. I noticed that virtually all of the Crystal Zen tattoos address emotions or abstract states of being, such as "joy," "luck," "abundance," "grace," etc. That’s all well and good, but I wonder if temp-tat technology could have medical applications as well, particularly to address specific conditions that have to do directly with fluid (e.g., premenstrual water retention, edema, bladder control problems, etc.). The possibilities are intriguing, although they probably do not bode well for the pharmaceutical and medical industries. But that's okay; the drug companies have enough money already. So I am considering developing my own product line: CosCon's Medical TempTats, an example of which you see here.

I also wonder this: if temporary tattoos are so powerfully effective, wouldn’t a permanent tat be even more so? Of course, that would make it more difficult to change one’s intentions, but still, it’s worth looking into. And I’m sure someone will; it is only a matter of time before most major cities have at least one Powerful Intentions Tattoo Parlor in the trendy part of town.

But for those who have a problem with commitment (or with the vision of sagging tattooed flesh a few decades in the future), temporary tats are worth considering. And for those who want their tats to actually do something as well as say something, a Crystal Zen tat might be just the ticket while you're waiting for the CosCon product line. As the Crystal Zen web site says, "Everyone who sees them is drawn to them and whether their favorite is abundance, freedom or grace, our tattoos give inspiration and offer spiritual healing through positive thinking and the power of water."

Perhaps I’ll order a few cards of these tats and plaster them all over myself and see what happens. I’m sure the Rev will be standing by with his digicam at the ready. Meanwhile, I’m designing a "Marginally Tolerable Flavor" temp tat to stick on our kitchen faucet, with hopes that it will transform the taste of that swill they call tap water in my part of the Bayou City. I'm tired of paying for filters. Or maybe I should just try to sweet-talk the swill and see what happens. It's worth a shot.

* I know, I know – that magical combination of "safe, legal, & cheap" simply doesn’t exist in the world of euphoric drugs. But one can always hope…
** For more on intention (moron intention?), click here.

Chow te-Ching

By now, pretty much everyone knows something about Feng Shui (pronounced fung shway), the ancient Chinese practice of rearranging all of the crap in your home, yard, office, car, etc. And a lot of folks in the Western World are actually practicing Feng Shui these days, or at least buying books about it. There’s even a Complete Idiot’s Guide To Feng Shui. But what if you’ve readjusted your physical environment the Feng Shui way and your life still sucks? Maybe it’s because you haven’t Feng Shui’d everything that can possibly be Feng Shui’d.

Such as your food, for example. I just got an email that alerted me to the importance of chowing down the Feng Shui way. Not only should you be paying attention to the shape and color of your food, as explained in my August 16 post (see the first letter, which discusses the new science of Neo-nutrition), but, as it turns out, you must also be cognizant of the physical arrangement of the food on your plate. Granted, once the food gets in your stomach all hell breaks loose and there’s not much you can do, Feng Shui-wise (or shape- and color-wise either, for that matter). But that’s all the more reason for taking a few extra preprandial precautions. (Sorry about the alliteration; I can't help myself sometimes.)

Actually, food Feng Shui is a lot more involved than placing your food on your plate so that your peas don’t fraternize with your potatoes, as LL CoolJ’s Captain Patrick Zevo character in the movie Toys might have put it. Fortunately, an enterprising therapist, healer and Jill-of-all-trades in Connecticut has made it easy for you. Chris Salonia has created a Feng Shui Of Food toolkit that consists of "a Placemat, refridgerator (sic) magnets, Travel size placemat, Water attachment and other assorted items." According to the Feng Shui of Food website, "This kit with its unique packaging and inspiring tools will support all people, with a desire to be a more conscious eater, aware of your body and your body’s relationship to food."

And the really good news is that food Feng Shui can even help you lose weight. That’s what the subject line on the email said, anyway.

Here’s how and why it works: "The mysteries around eating will dissolve as you develop your conscious, awareness and personal relationship to the food of your choice. This kit contains tools to help you reprogram: yourself, your body, addictive food patterns, and the food itself.

"The concept behind this thought comes from the work of Dr. Masaru Emoto, a Japanese researcher. He has shown that words and thoughts applied to water can change the frequency of the water. The human body is more than 70% water, as is much of the food we ingest. By reprogramming the foods and liquids that enter our bodies, we can also reprogram our bodies toward better health and higher consciousness."

Chris Salonia is well qualified to bring food Feng Shui to your table. She writes, "I have been working in the Therapy field for about 16 years. I began as a volunteer in the prison system, then worked professionally in adolescent treatment, in-patient and out- patient. I worked with adults and their families on issues of substance abuse, co-dependency, sexual abuse, and other forms of addiction and the related issues… I also have worked in the carnival business, publishing, film, restaurant business, and numerous other fields that I had a curiosity about.

"I have since moved on to private practice fulltime for about 13 years. I have been working out of my home, providing a safe, sacred and cozy environment to help clients explore all areas of their healing process."

Not to mention a possibly odoriferous environment, since, as Chris also explains, "I live with my dog and 4 cats, and help take care of my elderly Mom and Aunt, with their 2 cats, 2 ferrets and other assorted creatures that find their way to our home."

Chris’s education includes "traditional and non-traditional modalities including: Substance Abuse, Psychology, Co-occurring Disorders, Relapse Prevention, Hypnosis, Past-Life Regression Therapy, Yoga, Meditation, Energy Work, Sound Healing, Emotional Freedom Technique, Melchizedek Method, Sacred Geometry, Rebirthing, EMDR, and many others."

She has also been through the usual routine of addiction, recovery, spiritual seeking and, of course, therapy. "As I found the 'right' therapists, mentors, teachers, workshops and books to upgrade my personal mental software, I launched myself into a realm of awareness of the meta-physical and the quantum relationships of all things," she explains. "Everything is energy: food, carpet, rocks, water, and my thoughts and feelings...I learned about the law of attraction and attention. Where I place my thoughts and attention is what I create."

And so on.

But how, specifically, did she get into Feng Shui for food? Well, hold on to your aura; I'm getting there. It seems that for the last fifteen years or so, Chris had been rubbing her hands together and then placing them over her food with her eyes closed. She had been saying a prayer to thank the food and program herself, and the food, "to use only what serves me, and release all that is harmful."

Things really turned around for Chris when she saw the movie, What The Bleep Do We Know?. She says, "I remembered Masuro Emoto's work with water and the crystal formations from his video: how the crystals were different because of the words on the bottle and the thoughts of the participants in the study. The water was put in bottles with different words/phrases on them; 'love', 'thank you', 'I hate you and want to kill you'. Each time the water from the different bottles was frozen and the crystals were photographed. The crystals from the bottle with 'love' on it formed in complex symmetrical patterns. The words 'thank you' had its own symmetrical formations. The water with 'I hate you, I want to kill you' did not form symmetrical crystals. The words on the bottles determined how the crystals formed."

Apparently Emoto also did a study with rice in which one jar of rice was sent love by the study participants, and the other received hate. I'm not sure how these emotions were sent – by thought, the spoken word or email – but supposedly the rice that was sent love stayed white in the jar for weeks, while the hated rice turned black.

Voila! Chris concluded that thoughts, intentions and words change the frequency or energy of water and food. "This gave me the idea to create a food program that would change the frequency of myself, my thoughts while eating, cooking, shopping and our relationship to food itself. This was an important link for me in the eating right and healthy program I was trying to live. It gave me a more conscious awareness to my experience with food. I realized that this was something to share with the many who want a more conscious and healthier relationship to food. The Feng Shui of Food was born."

Apparently her Feng Shui food kit has already helped a few folks. For example, someone named Bobbi R wrote, "I have had a ‘beta’ version of the placemat for about three months now. I do not use it for every meal, only those I eat at home. Without any effort at all, except to read the words a couple of times and stick the placemat under my dish, I’ve lost 20 pounds. I can’t wait for the full kit to be available and see what changes will manifest in my life."

A self-described Holistic Health Counselor named Irma wrote, "I have been blessed by Chris’ gift of The Feng Shui of Food. The cards have been placed on the outside of my refrigerator, the inside of my cupboards and at my table where I sit and slowly digest my food. My homemade food is placed on the placemat. The prayer associated with these reminders is the gratitude of the life of abundance I am fortunate enough to live. The blessings of the Feng Shui of Food allow me to slow down, take a moment to be thankful, quietly chew my food that is feeding my body and my soul and appreciate and receive the wisdom the energetics of food has to offer me. Being surrounded by Chris' reminders has allowed the larger person, who quietly lives inside of me, become more present in each and every day. Thank you Chris for your creativity and your beauty."

I am a bit concerned about that inner large person Irma talks about, since, after all, this Feng Shui tool is supposed to help one lose weight. At any rate, you can purchase this kit through www.TheFengShuiOfFood.com. And it’s only $22.00 plus $5.00 shipping; wholesale prices are available for retailers, treatment centers, hospitals, schools and other non-profit or health oriented agencies.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go into the kitchen and rub my hands while saying an affirmation over a chub of ground beef; maybe I can turn it into a couple of nice thick ribeye steaks. And then I'm going to bless all of the food in the large freezer, and after that I'll probably rearrange it by color and size. Or maybe by its yin and yang qualities. I haven't quite decided, so I suppose I'd better read some tea leaves or coffee grounds first to help me make up my mind...

I'll see you next time. And don't forget to love your food, and let it know you love it.

One week and counting

The week shall inherit the mirth
Today is Whirled Musings' one-week anniversary. Thank you to the three or four of you who have visited, and all two of you who have commented so far. No, make that three now. :-) Since I was so long-winded yesterday, I decided to take a short break from "Con-tificating" today and just serve up some sight bites.

Funny, you don’t look blue-ish (but I might)
Someone asked me why the colors look a little bit off around here. Ambience, baby, ambience! No, actually, I am going through the obligatory "blue period" that all serious artists and creative types go through. Okay, not really. I just like blue. So if the book covers and people here look a little blue around the gills – or if things that are normally blue-ish look more rosy than usual – you're not color blind. I've just been swapping the reds and blues in the photos. It's a cheap trick that I do in a graphic previewing and editing application called ThumbsPlus. So, now you know: that’s really a fragment of a Monarch butterfly, and in real life, Kinky is pinker and so am I.

Absolutely annoying
If I hear one more celeb or random interviewee on TV answer a question with, "Absolutely!" I am going to go absolutely bonkers. Whatever happened to, "Yes"? Or, "That’s right"? Or, "That’s correct"? Or even, "You bet"?

Or has everything actually become absolute of late, and no one told me about it?

Not that I expect my complaint to make any difference. Back in the late 1980s, I wrote extensively on the egregious overuse of the word "awesome," and nearly one generation later, people of all ages are still using that friggin’ word to describe everything that isn't actually loathsome. Stop it now!

Your support is desperately needed.
August is Magnetic Ribbon Awareness Month. Please show your support of the magnetic ribbon industry, and plaster as many of those things on your car as you can. If you are Ann Coulter, please place them all over your computer screen as well.

Numbers don't lie
The numbers for Cosmic Relief just keep increasing...now, according to Amazon, they have reached a whopping "#2,853,024."

That happens to be the sales rank, not the sales figure, but still, it's a pretty big number, don't you think?

Here's more exciting news: C.R. is holding steady at a five-star-average review, based on one review by a person I know. (I didn't ask her to do the review; she liked my book and asked me if it was okay if she wrote something nice about it. Do you think I would turn that down?)

I believe if I think positive thoughts and say enough affirmations, and visualize that big number above as an actual sales figure for C.R., it will come to be. Of course there aren't nearly that many copies of the book in print...but if I think good thoughts long enough and hard enough, who knows what might happen?

So I'm going to get busy.

Bleep this…
The underground hit movie, What The Bleep Do We Know? has recently been released in a new director’s-cut edition. Subtitled, Down The Rabbit Hole, it comes in a Quantum Edition (of course). This new and improved version has less of the Marlee Matlin story line of the original, and more stuff from scientists. You can tell by the cover of the new DVD that it is much more scientific than the original, because it has a big cartoon scientist head. I am making a rare exception here and not swapping the reds and blues on the respective graphics, mainly because when I tried it, the smaller basketballs on the original cover looked disturbingly like rabbit turds. They still sort of do, but the effect is not as pronounced. So...the original Bleep is the blue-ish one, and the new edition is golden.

And just in case you’re not aware of it, there is a whole Bleep lifestyle afoot in our culture now, which means, naturally, lots and lots and lots of merchandise. To find out more, go the official What The Bleep website.

I knew you’d want to know.