Back to Snarky Town...

...and not a moment too soon. Just a few little snippets tonight, Dear Ones.

Another dome idea
Yesterday I was Googling and Twittering and just generally drifting in the great ocean of online time wasters, when I swam across a web site about an ambitious project called the Dolphin Sound Dome. The Dolphin Sound Dome, according to its creators, is "a floating temple over the ocean," meaning that it is basically a place where a class of conspicuously enlightened humans who refer to themselves as "sound practitioners" can gather together to moan and howl in a deeply spiritual way so as to annoy any free-swimming dolphins and whales who might happen by. On the Dolphin Sound web site is a scrolling quotation that the Dolphin Sound people claim is straight from the dolphins themselves: "When you 'think' with your heart, the path becomes clear."

If you allow JavaScript while browsing the site, you'll get to hear some of the human sound practitioners "singing" to the dolphins. "Listen for the sounds of dolphins chuffing into our resonant tones at the beginning of the recording," the copy instructs.

I felt guided to let Chris Locke at Mystic B know about this. So I sent him the link, and Chris wrote back:

"Listen for the sounds of dolphins chuffing..." I happen to know a little Dolphin, and they are clearly saying: "Would you PLEASE shut the f--k up? We were trying to sleep down here!"

Just between you and me, I honestly don't think these so-called sound practitioners are really all that sound, if you know what I mean. I do think they should be a lot more careful, especially in light of the serious scientifical evidence that dolphins and whales really hate us. You've been warned, Dolphin Sound People!

And speaking of dolphins, here's a New-Agey movie I somehow missed. Darn.

Another miracle in a bottle...and another "permanent" weight-loss secret
I know this is going to come as a huge surprise to you, but Joe "Mr. Fire" Vitale has discovered a miracle supplement. Recently he enthused on Twitter: "I'm told this is THE Fountain of Youth http://tinyurl.com/c9nva4 ."

The supplement in question is called, for some reason I've not yet figured out, Astral Fruit – not to be confused with the Astral Projection Pill I wrote about here back in October of 2006.

According to the web site, Astral Fruit contains "a natural small molecule Telomerase activator," and it "supports Cardiovascular Health, DNA Repair, Telomere Repair, lengthening [ahem], Cell Division and Chromosome Health." You can get it for a one-time price of $29.99 for a one-month supply, or get sucked into...er...signed onto an automatic-deduction-into-perpetuity deal for $27.99 a month.

I'm sure that Joe wrote about this miracle in a bottle only because he has his readers' best interests in mind, and not because he is selling Astral Fruit himself, or writing on behalf of one of his buddies who is selling it. I'm sure Joe himself doesn't need another Fountain of Youth, particularly after he discovered that miraculous stem-cell enhancing supplement, StemEnhance, that he blogged about last year. That supplement solved all of his remaining health problems, including his asthma and his food sensitivities.

Something must be working for him, fountain-of-youth-wise, because a couple of nights ago, after his latest Rolls-Royce Mastermind session, he Tweeted:

Told tonite: "Joe, I'm a medical doctor and I can't explain how you look so young." Ahh, compliments. http://www.blog.mrfire.com 11:14 PM Apr 9th from web

Joe provided a link in his Tweet to his blog, in which, in a recent post, he once again promotes the work of his new pal, serial scammer Kevin Trudeau. The implication, I suppose, is that his "secret weight loss" formula, including the stuff he learned in True-Dough's weight-loss book, is what's making him look so youthful. And by the way, Joe also claims in that post to have finally found the permanent cure to weight loss. But I think we've heard that claim before... In fact, I know we have.

Here's what did the trick for Joe, weight-loss-wise, a few short years ago:

I've done several things you've never heard of, from investing $15,000 in a "time machine," to having "karmic surgery" done, to wearing a magic ring blessed by a group of Indian mystics, to training with world-famous body builder Frank Zane, to working out with T.R. Goodman, the man who trains actor James Caan, to -- well, I'm not going to tell you everything.

Of course, I also had to learn how to elevate my consciousness about food and exercise. I had to get mentally tough and spiritually aware. It's been a process of awakening.

As for the weight-loss secret du jour that Joe is currently sharing (and about which he is now apparently planning to write an entire book), an important part of it involves the program Kevin Trudeau touts in his weight-loss book. This program includes a 500-calorie-a-day diet. In his blog post, Joe writes:

Kevin says the diet is easy, which is the only thing I disagree with him about. Eating 500 calories a day (you get the rest of the fuel from HCG burning fat) is not easy, especially in social situations.

A little later, however, when responding to a comment from an MD who disagreed with Joe about the Trudeau-recommended program, Joe wrote:

I also found the diet a ssnap [sic] to follow. What you can eat is spelled out so its [sic] a no brainer. That’s easy. I admit eating in social situations was more of a challenge, as everyone is gorging while you aren’t, but I did it.

Unless "ssnap" is some code word for "challenging," it appears that Joe is contradicting himself. (I know: like that's never happened before.) Here is someone else's commentary about the weight-loss plan Trudeau outlines in his book, which might give you an idea of how "easy" it really is.

Joe claims that the real difference in this radical program – the factor that makes the caloric deprivation cause your body to lose unwanted fat instead of healthy muscle – is a substance called HCG, which, although not illegal in the US, requires medical supervision. Joe doesn't 'splain what HCG is, so I will. HCG, which is administered as daily injections (for 45 days!) during Phase 2 of the Trudeau program, is short for human chorionic gonadotrophin. This is a hormone found in the urine of pregnant women. (And yes, urine is a rich source of remedies. The traditional Rx drug for menopause is made from pregnant mare's pee (that would be Premarin). And HCG for weight loss is a substance found in the pee of pregnant women. Wait...pregnant women gain weight. Pregnancy can make a person huge. What the...?)

The HCG protocol was originally created in the 1950s by a Brit doc named Dr. Albert T. Simeons. It has been pretty much discredited, and today HCG injections are primarily used for treating fertility problems. (Now, that makes sense.)

With the exception of the M.D. who disagreed with Joe on the Trudeau...er...Simeons protocol, the majority of the comments to his secret-weight-loss formula post were positive. (One person did weigh in with her own scientifical explanation and protocol. She's Dr. Maureen Maples, a chiropractor and naturopathic physician who just happens to peddle a line of "emotion potions" that balance your chakras and such.)

At any rate, here's the real skinny on HCG, according to Dr. Stephen Barrett's Quackwatch site. As for Joe, he's looking fit and says he's feeling fine these days. But then again, he said that back in 2005 or so, when he named himself the Charles Atlas of the Internet. I'm just sayin'...

Cosmic Connie gets taken to task yet again
As you may recall, recently I was read the read the riot act about what a rage-filled and frightened twerp I am. Naturally, I was devastated (well, not really). But the criticism just keeps on coming. Today I received a comment to a post that is over two years old. This was actually one of my more thoughtful pieces, in which I expressed my doubts and ambivalence about some of life's deep questions, and discussed some of the factors that keep me from being a complete skeptic about everything.

A few folks liked the post. But a person named Anonymous (I get a lot of those) wasn't at all impressed. Here is what Anonymous wrote to me (my words, as quoted by Anon, are in pink, and Anon's remarks / "rereading" are in blue):

My reread of the amazing philospher [sic] and logician Cosmic Connie:
I’ve never been a big Deepak Chopra fan. (Does it show?) Chopra gets points off in my book for several things, including his considerable ego, unlike my own small, reasonable and totally deserving ego demonstrated by the fact that I've posted my thoughts, along with my photo here, for all the world to study:, the Q.M. (quantum mysticism) factor which he doesn't understand, but I do with my degree in quantum physics, quantum mechanics and Superstring Theory: his former close ties with the Maharishi,who I also don't like, disapprove of and arbitrarily declare a phony: and just the general fact that he's been a New-Wage cult figure for over fifteen years, and everybody kowns [sic] that trends, truths and fashions of the day change and we should move on. Who listens to Dr.Phil anymore?? I rest my case.

Setting aside the fact that my correspondent only addressed the first paragraph or so of my post, which actually had little to do with the deeper message I was attempting to convey, I have to admit that the idea of your Cosmic Connie as a logician or quantum physics expert is pretty hilarious. But then again...well, just click here for my response.

PS ~ Shortly after I published this post, I checked my email, and apparently the "Anonymous" person I quoted above does have another name. He sent not one but two private emails to me that repeated, verbatim, the comment sent to my blog (just in case I was too dense to get it the first time, I guess). The subject line: Free Speach [sic]: A Waste for those with Nothing (worthwhile) To Say. I know your name now, Anon, but don't worry; I won't share that it is John Gast in Canada. Oops.

Meaningless quotation(s) of the day
"The greatest gift u can give others is an attitude of 'unconditional positive regard' -- acception without limitation."

That gem comes to you from master motivator Brian Tracy. Never mind that "acception" isn't even a word, and that "unconditional positive regard" of someone or something is not necessarily a good thing, say nothing of "the greatest gift." Hey, it's Brian Tracy, after all! If he says it, it has to be profound.

Actually, I first ran across the Brian Tracy quotation as a "re-Tweet" on Secret teacher John Assaraf's Twitter page. Once again I was reminded of that "magic circle jerk of mutual self-admiration" that Chris Locke mentioned in the post I quoted the other day. I was reminded even more of it when I saw John Assaraf following the standard Twitter hustlers' practice of "re-Tweeting" a compliment given to him by someone else:

RT @InnoFuture: @OneCoach John, reading Answer, fantastic, your own twits r proof that u walk the walk &have a great life balance, congrats!

InnoFuture, the Twitterer who gave John Assaraf the compliment he felt compelled to re-Tweet, is a Melbourne, Australia woman named Margaret Manson, who describes herself on her Twitter page as, "Don Quichote [sic] for innovative Australia; collector of modern philosophers; hooked on innovation, coffee and Italian culture." The Tweet that apparently inspired her to praise John was this one:

using the next 10 minutes to think and be, no doing. Connect to the source as I call it.

Pretty darned profound, huh? By the way, John also recently Tweeted about a video of his "Best Year Ever" speech, a pep talk in which he told his audience that he refuses to play along with the recession. Frankly, though, he sounds just a tad desperate.

This one won't grow up and rip your best friend's face off
Finally, although this isn't about New-Wage stuff, it is about strange/silly/sad obsessions, so you could say it is marginally related to my normal subject matter.

A few months ago the ABC show 20/20 had a show about mothering, and there was one segment about how some women indulge their maternal instincts by collecting super-realistic baby dolls, also known as "reborns." This topic has been rather widely covered elsewhere as well. On a fairly frequent basis, I come across ads for one of those expensive "collectible" baby dolls in a magazine or Sunday newspaper supplement. They are noteworthy not only for the product itself but for the schlocky ad copy.

But the one that really takes the cake (or, more likely, the banana) is "Little Umi." I saw an ad for "Little Umi" not long after I watched that 20/20 segment (you don't suppose this could be one of those synchronicity things, do you?). "Little Umi" is lovingly brought to you by Ashton-Drake and beloved doll artist Wendy Dickison.

I scarcely knew whether to laugh, cry, or hurl as I read the ad copy:

Fall in love with Little Umi, a collectible orangutan baby doll you have to see to believe, and the first-ever So Truly Real® baby monkey doll! Beautifully crafted, her head and limbs are of collector-quality silicone that recreate every realistic detail of her face, hands and feet. Hand-rooted wispy red hair covers her from head to toe. Offer Little Umi her FREE pacifier and watch as she gazes up at you with gentle, trusting eyes.

This irresistible collectible monkey doll by renowned doll artist Wendy Dickison is available exclusively from The Ashton-Drake Galleries. Best of all, a portion of the proceeds from your purchase of Little Umi will be donated to support rainforest preservation! Don't wait to let your love for Little Umi nurture the miracle of birth and life across our beautiful world. Strong demand is expected, so order now!

In regard to the title I chose for this snippet*, I am aware that "Little Umi" is a baby orangutan (and, of course, not a live one),** whereas the ape that was recently in the news for attacking a woman was an adult chimpanzee (and, though once alive, no longer is). However, I think that maybe the kind of people who would buy a monkey doll are precisely the kind who should be reminded that orangutans, though cute and cuddly when infants, are just as dangerous to humans when they grow up as chimps are.

Unfortunately, these facts haven't stopped some people from trying to adopt apes as pets. And, of course, the apes' smaller brethren, monkeys, have long been popular pets (or at least they are popular until their owners find out how loud and messy monkeys really are). Take a look at this early-1960s back-pages magazine ad:

By the way, if you really want to get p.o.'d about how humans treat some of our fellow primates, click here.

Oh, but I don't want you to leave mad. I want you to leave here charmed and delighted. Here, then, is some real live cuteness. Yes, it's captive cuteness, but captive presumably in the interests of preserving a species rather than indulging someone's longing for an exotic pet.

So...from snarky to Snuzzy: that's quite a trip, and I'm tired. But I'll be back soon.

And more than likely, I'll be snarking.

* My alternative title was "Ape misbehavin'"...but I think I used that somewhere before.
** Memo to people actually considering buying this item: You do know that "Little Umi" is not a live monkey and is not literally gazing at you with trusting eyes, right?

All I need is a miracle...

Note: This post contains some highly scientifical and mathematical technical stuff. In light of some of the subject matter – and you'll see what I mean in a moment – I probably should have published this on Square Root Day, which was 3-3-09 – but, hey, better late than never. I'm certainly not going to wait until the next Square Root Day, which will be on 4-4-16, nearly three and a half years after the world may or may not be scheduled to end. So I settled on Equinox Day. I would call it the first day of Spring or the Spring Equinox, but it's the Autumn Equinox in Other Parts of the World (although, just to add to the confusion a little bit, Autumn officially began in Australia on March 1).

* * * * *

What if you're in a hurry?
What if you need a miracle fast?
What if things for you are urgent and you are desperate?
What then?
That's when you have to pull out all the stops and get help. But not from just any one person, but from a special group of people who are helping each other to achieve real world results.
I'm talking about a new online community where you can state your intention and others can hold that very intention for you...
~ Joe Vitale, from an email promoting his Attract Miracles online community

The teaser page for Joe "Mr. Fire" Vitale's Attract Miracles site bears this large and compelling headline:

"What Would Happen if 8,185 People Held an
Intention for You Personally?"

In the weeks before the site went live in December of 2008, the headline on that page was followed by a mention of "the Maharishi Effect," and then the customary excited but vague promises about the miracles and wonders in store for participants. After the site went live, however, the Attract Miracles page changed. The promises were still there, the bit about the 8,185 folks was still there, but mention of the Maharishi Effect had disappeared. It lives on, however, in Joe's December 4 blog post promoting the site, although he published yet another blog post about the site on December 20, sans any mention of the Maharishi Effect.

But let's talk for a moment about those 8,185 people. Who are these people, and why are there 8,185 of them? Joe claims that is the number of people needed to change the world. He explains that 8,185 is the square root of one percent of the estimated current world population of 6.7 billion souls. (I whipped out my trusty calculator, and by golly, that's pretty accurate.) And Joe's goal is to have at least 8,185 members in his online community, though he implies that he thinks there will ultimately be many more.

While Joe doesn't fully explain this part on the site, the significance of 8,185 is rooted (so to speak) in a "scientific" formula dreamed up decades ago by the late Maharishi Mahesh Yogi, who first achieved world fame by briefly being guru to The Beatles in the late 1960s. Don't get me wrong: Joe does write about the formula on the Attract Miracles page, but he doesn't mention the guy who made it up in the first place.

The Maharishi originally predicted that if a mere one percent of the population of any city were to practice his Transcendental Meditation (TM) program, this would reduce crimes, accidents, and illness in that city. This phenomenon came to be known as the Maharishi Effect, and advocates claimed that it established a new formula for the creation of "an ideal society, free from crime and problems." A few years later, however, the "Extended Maharishi Effect" was invented...er..."discovered," and the critical-mass projection was lowered to the square root of that one percent figure, whatever it might be. How the Maharishi figured all of this out, I have no idea, but then again, I don't have a scientifical mathematical mind so I couldn't be expected to understand. (Actually, it probably had something to do with Vedic principles, but I'm equally ignorant in that area.) The important point is that for many years now the Maharishi's minions have been on a mission to prove the existence and efficacy of the Maharishi Effect.

As noted, however, the Attract Miracles page, as well as Joe's December 20 blog post and subsequent mentions of his online community, do not directly mention the Maharishi Effect at all. One other little detail has changed as well. Both the current Attract Miracles page and the December 20 post mention that "more than twenty-three scientific studies" prove the efficacy of group intentions and support. However, on the December 4 blog post, as well as in The Attractor Factor and other earlier writings, Joe wrote that there were nineteen scientific studies. For years it was "nineteen studies," and now it's "more than twenty-three." (Or in some cases, as in that email I quoted at the beginning of this post, it's merely "twenty-three.") The exactness of those numbers is what I find so interesting (Prime Number Day, anyone?). Perhaps four or more additional studies were made up... I mean...discovered between December 4 and the day the Attract Miracles site went live.

But I quibble. The point is that Joe's declarations about the "scientific studies" seem to be a major selling point of the Attract Miracles community, which is not surprising, as science appears to be a New-Wage guru's best friend these days, next to online diploma mills...um...I mean, "universities." (Joe himself recently invented a brand new branch of science, "neurometaphysics.") Regarding the scientific studies relevant to his Attract Miracles community, Joe offers various impressive-sounding factoids about how they were published in respected, peer-reviewed journals, and were independently verified. 

Oh, those pesky naysayers
As is the case with all of his posts, most of the comments to Joe's posts about the Attract Miracles community have been supportive. But at least one person challenged Joe on the "scientific" claims. This comment appeared on his December 20 post:

John Curtis says
Can you send information on where these studies can be found based on this statement above??
“Twenty-three scientific studies prove this kind of group support works.”

Although John Curtis did not provide a web site link, I am assuming that this is the same person who runs the self-help-fraud watchdog site (and is the brains behind Guru-Free Week and the Scammy Awards). As of this writing, Joe has yet to answer the question and I'm guessing he won't, but if he does, more than likely he'll simply refer Dr. Curtis to The Attractor Factor.
What Joe does not mention, either on his blog posts, in The Attractor Factor, or on the Attract Miracles site, is that virtually all of those "scientific" studies he cites were conducted and/or sponsored by people and organizations affiliated with the Maharishi's vast empire (can you say "confirmation bias," boys and girls?). Here's a source I bet Joe wouldn't cite, if he were citing sources to back up that claim about peer review: http://www.behind-the-tm-facade.org/mdefect-peer2.htm

More about the Fales and Markovsky study cited in the link above can be found here, on counselor and researcher John M. Knapp's very informative TranceNet site.

One of the most frequently mentioned Maharishi Effect experiments was a 1993 group meditation focused on Washington DC. According to a piece by John Olmsted on the eSkeptic site:

In 1993, 4,000 meditators gathered in Washington, D.C. under the direction of physicist John Hagelin. Hagelin predicted in advance that the meditations would drive down the violent crime rate in the city by 25 percent that summer. Despite the fact that the murder rate actually rose, Hagelin announced a year later that his analysis proved that the violent crime rate fell just as he had predicted. In his recent book he states that the meditators "function essentially as a 'washing machine' for the entire society."

John Hagelin, as many of you may recall, has been the Presidential candidate for the Maharishi-affiliated Natural Law Party. Hagelin also seems prone to a brand of hubris peculiar to TM-ers; in July of 2007 he claimed that the efforts of his group of meditators, the Invincible America Assembly, was going to create unprecedented prosperity for the US and make the Dow climb to 17,000 within a year. Hey, nice work, Hagelin, et al. According to the article linked to in the second sentence of this paragraph, the group also insisted that because of its efforts, there would be fewer hurricanes and better US-North Korea relations. Again, nice work, guys!

Critics have also pointed to the example of Fairfield, Iowa, location of the Maharishi University of Management, and home to a thriving TM community. Since 1979, Fairfield has contained the largest group of TM and TM-Sidhi practitioners in the US. Yet in that time, there have been several years in which violent crime and property crime in Fairfield and the state of Iowa actually increased.

I'm not dissin' meditation, but...
Just in case it isn't entirely clear, I am not arguing with the notion that meditation can reap personal benefits to the meditator. There seems to be a lot of credible evidence supporting the effectiveness of meditation in stress reduction, relaxation and in some cases pain management, for example, although serious TM advocates seem to be pretty adamant in their insistence that only their brand of meditation is effective. (And they tend not to talk about the potential harmful effects of TM on some individuals.)
At any rate, this isn't about about whether or not meditation, or even specifically TM, can help improve the physical, emotional, mental or spiritual health of individual practitioners. It's about whether or not a group of meditators can, by the simple act of meditating, influence external events such as crime or war or stock market fluctuations.

And, contrary to the claims of the Maharishi folks and purveyors of similar magic and miracles, those claims have not been proven by science. I will not go so far as to say that the Maharishi Effect has been been officially and thoroughly debunked, though many would argue that it has been. At the very best, it has never really been properly researched by parties who didn't have a clear pro-Maharishi/pro-TM agenda. At worst, it is, as former TM teacher Joe Kellett wrote on his excellent web site, Falling Down The TM Rabbit Hole, "incredibly outrageous pseudo-science."

Not that this has made a bit of difference to those who want to believe, and those who want to make money from those who want to believe. 

History, economics, and (of course!) quantum physics
Joe swears that the basis of his Attract Miracles community is completely scientific: "nothing woo-woo about it!" And even though the late "giggling guru's" name is not evoked on the Attract Miracles site, Joe does seem to be promoting the Maharishi mythos by implying that focused group meditations were responsible for everything from the end of the Cold War to a rise in the stock market. He writes [and my interjections are in brackets]:

Want world peace?
Then you'll be glad to know a long term meditation that lasted from 1988 to 1990 coincided perfectly with the end of nearly every major conflict including the war in Afganistan [sic] and even including the historic end of the Cold War. [And there have been no more wars or terrorist attacks since then, right? By the way, people such as Charlie Wilson, Joanne Herring, and Lord knows how many Afghan resistance fighters would be really interested to learn that the Soviet-Afghanistan war ended not because of their efforts but rather because of the mighty meditations of the Maharishi's minions.* ~ CLS]
Are you worried about the economy because of bad news about the stock market, housing prices, or a credit crisis?
Take heart because another experimental study by The Scientific Demonstration Project [another Maharishi-sponsored project ~CLS] showed group meditation corresponded to a dramatic 12% rise in the stock market. [And, of course, the stock market has been on the rise consistently. ~CLS]
I could go on, but there are too many studies to list here.
Over the last 50 years the scientific evidence of the power of group intentions has piled up - and yet the media doesn't mention a peep!

Hmmm. Maybe "the media" don't mention it because it's...well...bunk. Moreover, as the above-mentioned former TM teacher Joe Kellett wrote, "What gets totally buried is that there is a difference between 'correlation' and 'cause and effect.' In other words, just because two things happen in succession it doesn't mean that one caused the other."

By the way, I know I've written about this a few times before (e.g., here, to give just one example), but I can't let a discussion of group intentions pass without mentioning Joe (Vitale's) efforts to rally a large group of believers to tame hurricanes. He did it with Hurricane Rita in his "Help Me Stop Rita" e-newsletter/email blast in 2005 (and later claimed success at re-routing the storm and reducing it from a Category 5 to a Cat 2). Then when Ike threatened in 2008, he copied and pasted from the Rita email and sent out a "Help Me Stop Ike" blast...and, well, we saw how that one went.

More recently, Joe has made a stunningly generous offer to the many thousands of people who may have wanted to attend his third and final Zero Limits Ho'oponopono event with the famous Dr. Hew Len (Austin, Texas, April 17-19, 2009), but won't be able to do so in person. Alas, the $997.00 event, which was limited to 100 participants, is now sold out. However, Joe has decided to offer absentee tickets for only $100.00 per person. What do you get for your $100.00? Do you get a chance to "attend" the event in real time via the Internet, so you can at least watch and listen, even though you can't participate? Do you get a special DVD and MP3 of the event, and maybe a free signed copy of the book Zero Limits?

Nope, sorry – well, at least not as of this writing, although those are actually pretty good ideas. As of now, it appears that in exchange for your C-note you get to have your name written on a piece of paper, along with the names of all of the other absentee "attendees." But wait, there's more! During the event, all of the people in the room – including the great "Dr." Vitale and Dr. Hew Len, of course – will "clean" on you and your fellow absent ones. I don't think you even have to write down your issues or the things you want cleaned on; the Divine always knows. "Obviously," Joe writes, "being in the room and hearing Dr. Hew Len, myself, and everyone else, is the ideal, but if you can't make it there (since the event is sold out), being an absentee participant is the next best thing."

So even though you don't get anything tangible for that hundred bucks, you do get a chance to get worked on from afar by two of the greatest cleaning minds in the whole racket, with the assistance of a whole room full of people who spent nearly ten times more money than you did to be in the presence of those minds. Think of it like sort of a yagya, but with faux-Hawaiian elements (aloha-yagya?). Or think of it as just one more example of desperation marketing the powerful magic of group intentions. (And read all about it here.)

But back to the Attract Miracles group. Naturally, you couldn't have a proper New-Wage $cheme without the invocation of quantum physics:

For the first time in history people from all over the world can gather in a single place without having to physically meet.
Quantum physics and ancient spiritual principles reveal that we're all connected on an energy level.
In fact, studies have proven that time and distance doesn't [sic] matter.
That's why you can hold an intention for fellow members and that energy instantly reaches them.
But now we can connect on a conscious level in real-time, too.
That's because for the first time in history, the Attract Miracles website provides a place for you to go any time you want to connect with the energy of the entire community.

This is far from the first time that Joe has used quantum physics to give credence to one of his mercenary schemes, and, of course, he's far from the only one to do this. It's S.O.P. in the New-Wage biz these days.
But why is he playing down the Maharishi origins of Attract Miracles? My first thought was that he might be trying to avoid possible negative connotations – after all, the Maharishi has been widely criticized over the decades for being everything from a lovable kook to an egotistical sociopath bent on world domination – and Joe wants to attract as large an audience as possible. But my second thought was that he simply wants to stamp Attract Miracles with his own brand. Knowing Joe, the brand-consciousness motive sounds the most plausible, and I wonder how long it will be before we start hearing about "the Vitale Effect," which, no doubt, will be an improved version of the Maharishi Effect, with additional magical and powerful properties. Or, to paraphrase countless New-Wage marketers in the past couple of years, "The Vitale Effect takes up where the Maharishi Effect left off! It's the 'Missing Effect!'" In keeping with the square-root theme, perhaps Joe can exploit a whole new realm by inventing a formula for change that utilizes imaginary numbers. (Here's a cartoon he might be able to use for one of his presentations.)

And one more point before we leave the topic of numbers: Mr. Fire seems to display some numeracy challenges when he declares, on the Attract Miracles page, "Today I live with my love, Nerissa, in a multi-million dollar estate and I recently added a $375,000 Rolls Royce Phantom to my growing exotic car collection."

Apart from the fact that I wouldn't exactly consider a Rolls Royce to be an "exotic car," there seems to be another inconsistency in that copy. I'm not real great with numbers myself, but it looks as if Joe may be off a few dollars regarding that "multi-million dollar estate", that is, if he's talking purely in terms of its appraised value, which, according to publicly available information, is currently less than $320,000. Am I missing something? Is he counting the value of his cars too? Or perhaps the total value of the rural subdivision in which he lives?

IM, I said
You might say that the present Attract Miracles site has been a long time coming. Joe was talking and writing about those "scientific studies" about meditation and group intentions even before The Attractor Factor was initially published in 2005, and he hinted that he was planning to do something significant with a form of meditation he invented, which he calls "Intentional Meditation," or IM. He was inspired to create IM when he read a book called Permanent Peace: How to Stop Terrorism and War – Now and Forever. The author is Robert Oates, a senior policy fellow with – guess what? – Maharishi University of Management's Institute for Science, Technology and Public Policy in Fairfield, Iowa.

A few years ago Joe wrote that his mission was "to establish an Intentional Meditation Foundation with hubs around the world, all using my book, and the meditation I teach in it, to lower crime and increase wealth globally. Now THAT is more than a goal, it's a mission." In The Attractor Factor he dedicates an entire chapter to IM. And there's a fairly recent (post-Secret) web site devoted to IM as well. Joe explains that IM differs from TM in that it is request-oriented, that is, you use it to get the Universe to give you specific things:

In the IM formula that I just described to you, you are quieting the mind as in meditation, and even merging with all that is, but you are also placing a request with the universe. That request will radiate out and reach the people who can help you achieve it. From there, magic happens. I know much of this may seem strange, but I'm calling it an Experiment so you can find out, with me, just how powerful this system can be.

I'm just speculating here, but I have a feeling that IM, or something like it, is the focus of a book idea Joe mentioned last November on Twitter. According to his Twitter entry, he was writing a proposal for a book that would "save the world, heal all money problems, and cause lasting peace. But I might be dreaming big." (Oddly enough, two days after he Tweeted about that book proposal, he sent out an email to his list promoting his new book, Expect Miracles, and in that email he wrote that Expect Miracles will very likely be his last book. He said he had no additional books in the works and no plans whatsoever to write another one. Either he is kind of forgetful, or he is banking on the fact that his readers are kind of forgetful, or his publisher looked at the proposal and said, "Forgeddaboudit !")

Joe isn't the first to have big ambitions for a branded meditation program, of course; once again he seems to be taking his inspiration from the Maharishi, or, more accurately, from one of the late guru's more prominent and eccentric followers. Make no mistake about it: although the Maharishi has passed on, there are people working very hard to keep his legacy alive. For example, even though the Fab Four as a group became disillusioned with the Maharishi nearly forty years ago (and/or vice-versa, according to Deepak Chopra), the surviving Beatles, Paul McCartney and Ringo Starr, are slated to headline a benefit concert on April 4** for the Maharishi-inspired David Lynch Foundation. One of the missions of the famously quirky director's foundation is to provide funds for teaching TM to at-risk kids so they can change the world from within. Part of this ambitious program involves taking TM into public schools.

I reckon that some of you cult-watchers will be alarmed at the prospect of the Maharishi's legacy seeping into our schools, but look at it this way: if at-risk kids are preoccupied with meditating, they probably will not be out killing people over a hit of crystal meth, or shooting their teachers and school mates, or setting wildfires, or, far worst of all, sending naughty pictures of themselves to their friends via their cell phones. Even so, the creation of vast new generations of TM drones is kind of an unsettling prospect as well, notwithstanding all those disclaimers on the TM.org site that TM is not a religion, philosophy or lifestyle, and that all TM instruction in schools is free and voluntary. Equally unsettling, for that matter, is Joe's own vision for the future of education, as mentioned here recently (first item).
Not surprisingly, Joe Kellett has something to say about David Lynch's big plans. Quoting from a July 2005 story about Lynch in the (London) Independent, he writes:

Furthermore, Lynch believes this:

Students who meditate, Lynch assured the New York Post yesterday, will: "Start shining like a bright, shiny penny and their anxieties will go away. By diving within, they will attain a field of pure consciousness, pure bliss, creativity, intelligence, dynamic peace. You enliven the field, and every day it gets better. Negativity recedes."
There's more. With his new outfit, Lynch also intends to ease tension for all the rest of us by putting together "peace-creating super groups of 8,000 meditators" around the world, who will all chant simultaneously for peace and harmony. It is important that each group [emphasis mine. ~ CLS] has 8,000 participants because "it's the size of the square root of one per cent of the world's population."

Hmmm. Is any of this beginning to sound familiar? Of course, the big difference is that David Lynch envisioned multiple groups of eight-thousand, while Joe's Attract Miracles community presumably involves only one group of eight-thousand-plus – a minimum of 8,185, to be exact. Maybe it's that extra 185 folks who give Attract Miracles the edge. Maybe it's the power of the Internet. Or perhaps Joe's magic is stronger than David's or the Maharishi's. Must be that Vitale Effect at work.

I don't know about those "hubs around the world" that Joe mentioned in some of his writings about IM (and that David Lynch seems to be advocating as well), but it appears that the Attract Miracles site is definitely set up to increase wealth – Joe's wealth, anyway, as well as that of his partner in the current scheme, Craig Perrine, who calls himself the Maverick Marketer (a name he came up with well before the McPalin campaign laid claim to the title of "Maverick").

As it turns out – and I know this will come as a shock to you – the Attract Miracles community is basically a multilevel marketing setup. It costs a mere $1.00 to join, but you get $12.50 per month for every person you refer, for as long as those people remain members. That sounds like an amazingly good deal till you get further down the page and discover that the $1.00 is just a trial membership, and after 30 days, you get to "keep the service" for "only" $37.00 a month ("less than a cable bill!" Joe enthuses).
It's kind of like a prayer circle, or, perhaps more accurately, like Marcy From Maui's Powerful Intentions site, except you have to pay actual money to receive the prayers or powerful intentions of other members.

Your definition of "skeptical" may vary...
For the benefit of those who might be skeptical, Joe has this advice, which is a variation on the New-Wage credo that although doubting is perfectly normal, it will only impede your "progress."

Truth is, the only thing stopping you is your own doubt.
Admit it. You're asking yourself things like...

• Will this really work?
• Will this really work for me?
• Should I trust this guy about what he's telling me?

All good questions, of course.
But it's that very voice of doubt that is keeping you from moving forward.
I know it's tough to swallow, but doubt is the reason most people don't take action, and consequently why most people stay stuck...

Joe eases the doubter's concerns with his "priority assurance policy," which he says is "beyond fair." Once you register, you gain instant access to the Private Members Area, and if you're not "thoroughly convinced" that AttractMiracles.com is for you, all you have to do is contact Joe's office within 30 days and your membership and access to the Members Area will be canceled.

I'm not sure how this reconciles with the fact that your trial period, the part that only costs a buck, is only seven days. Presumably if you cancel within that time period, you won't be charged $37.00 for your first month. Seven days seems to me to be a pretty short amount of time to determine whether or not something so momentously life-changing is working for you. The sign-up blurb (as opposed to the "priority assurance policy") says you can cancel any time, but, if I'm understanding it properly, it seems pretty clear that unless you decide within seven days that the community isn't for you, the Attract Miracles site is going to extract at least $38.00 from you. And maybe more, if you don't time your cancellation just right.

But $38.00, or maybe more, is chicken feed compared to all of the billions of real dollars, potential dollars and even totally imaginary dollars that are floating around Miracle Town. (Don't underestimate those potential and imaginary dollars, by the way. They can result in lots of real dollars for a few people. Funny how that works.) According to Tweets Joe posted on Twitter just after the Attract Miracles site went live, people were signing up like crazy for his new community, and miracles were being created left and right. To hear him tell it, this is a veritable miracle-making machine.

"What can it hurt?"
Perhaps you're saying, "Oh, come on, Cosmic Connie, enough already with this snarkastic stuff. You're only contributing to the overall problem of negativity, just like that nasty old mainstream media that largely created, and is certainly perpetuating, the so-called 'economic crisis.' Besides, even if mainstream science hasn't validated the Maharishi Effect and the power of group intentions, what can it hurt if people want to get together and support each other with their mutual positivity? And don't forget that members do get a lot of bonus products with membership, and they even get a chance to personally ask Joe questions, so at least they're receiving some tangible value for their thirty-seven bucks a month."

Joe himself implies that he's making a real sacrifice by offering membership so cheap. "Because of how much is included for members of AttractMiracles I've been advised to charge $97 or more each month," he writes. "I know I could and it would be well worth it, but I won't. I want to help as many people as possible." What a guy.

Since "value" is subjective, I won't attempt to argue this point. Joe does offer a bunch of free videos and other products for members, though some of it is available for free anyway (e.g., his December 2007 talk in Maui on creating "15-minute miracles"). I'm sure he also offers members opportunities to ask him questions, though you can also do that for free on his blog, and sometimes he even answers. (Alternatively, if you want access to him I suppose you could just pretend to be with some New-Wage magazine or film production company, and he'd probably jump at the publicity op.) Beyond that, however, I have no doubt that some people believe they are getting good value from their Attract Miracles membership. Just recently, f'rinstance, I saw a comment on Joe's blog from a guy named Barry Thomas Bechta, who thanked Joe for the value he is providing through the Attract Miracles community. And Barry ought to know value; after all, he's one of the people who was smart enough to invest $5,000.00 to ride in the back seat of Joe's Rolls-Royce Phantom.

Okay, so I'm still being snarky, and some might ask me how I am qualified to go on so much about something when I haven't experienced it firsthand myself. What could it hurt for me to invest a buck to take it for a test drive for a week? Am I really that cheap? Or am I, as more than one disgruntled reader has speculated, simply afraid of something I don't understand? Actually, I am afraid, but what I'm scared of is getting my sensitive information into an auto-payment agreement for something like this. (I keep thinking about the problems people have had with folks such as Joe's new pal Kevin Trudeau, although in all fairness I will say that the Attract Miracles site was apparently set up well before Joe met True-dough, and is most likely not affiliated in any way with True-dough. Kevin did give Joe some marketing advice about upselling, though, so that might be a red flag regarding some of his future enterprises, particularly if they involve infomercials.)

Besides, I would imagine that the Attract Miracles community only wants like-minded people, not snarky cynics. I'm sure that even as a lurker I simply wouldn't add to the positive energy they are trying to build. No, joining does not seem to be an option for me. But I'd be glad to hear from those who have joined and have found it helpful (or not).

As for the question, "What can it hurt?", I'll concede that on the surface the whole thing seems harmless enough for those who have $37.00 a month to spare, but a better question might be, "Is it really helpful?" And I don't mean that in the subjective, personal-experience/personal-taste sense. What I mean is, are there measurable positive results that can credibly be attributed to the group intentions of the Attract Miracles crowd?

While we're waiting for those measurable positive results, I'd say that if spending thirty-seven bucks a month to be a member of a New-Wage mutual masturb...I mean...cheerleading group will really make you feel better, go for it. You might make some new friends, get to do some networking, maybe even make a few bucks yourself. I will warn you right now, though, that you'll probably have to put up with a bunch of other people whining and moaning about their awful lives, or bragging about their small triumphs, as they sometimes do on Joe's blog. But remember, you're there to support them, and they're there to support you if only they can stop focusing on their own stuff for a few minutes.

Most importantly, of course, you'll be helping support Joe, and at least one of his cronies, Craig, in the style to which they've become accustomed. At the very least, you'll enable them to continue to buy those pricey Siglo cigars so they can sit around together with a couple of their other cronies and mastermind even more creative new ways to separate you from your money... I mean, to save the world. You really can't put a price on that.
All I'm saying is this: Don't delude yourself that you are participating in an experiment that has actually been validated by science. And don't blame me, or any of the other "naysayers," if that thirty-seven-dollar-a-month investment does not reap world peace, an end to crime, an ever-rising or at least stable stock market, or even the miracles that you so desperately want in your own life.

The monkey on our backs
By the way, when Googling for information about critical mass, group intentions, and spirituality, I came across this page, which is one of many that cites the "hundredth monkey" phenomenon. The hundredth monkey myth has been even more thoroughly debunked than the Maharishi Effect. Very simply, the monkey tale did not unfold as it has been spun by New-Wage believers, who were inspired by a 1979 book, Lifetide, by the late Dr. Lyall Watson. When pressed by skeptics, Dr. Watson ultimately admitted that the hundredth monkey phenomenon was, as he wrote in 1986, "a metaphor of my own making, based...on very slim evidence and a great deal of hearsay. I have never pretended otherwise." (Actually, he did pretend otherwise, at least until he was called on his pretense.)

Not that the truth really even matters. Some myths just never die. Especially the profitable ones.

I've said it before and I'll say it again: I GOTTA find me a scam.

PS ~ In case you missed it earlier, here is the link to my November 2007 blog post about the Maharishi and related matters.
And here's a link to a TM discussion on RichardDawkins.net.

And here, one more time for your convenience, is a link to Joe Kellett's site, Falling Down The TM Rabbit Hole, which offers a detailed critical opinion of TM, including a good debunking of the Maharishi Effect.

Oh, and don't forget John M. Knapp's marvelous TM-Free Blog.
Last but emphatically not least, for another snarky but very knowledgeable perspective, do check out Jody Radzik's Guruphiliac blog; he has written extensively about the late Maharishi. In a recent blog post about the above-mentioned David Lynch Foundation and its mission to get TM into schools, Jody wrote:

TM™ is not secular meditation. TM™ is a religion, and a destructive cult in every sense of the word. While we agree that meditation is good for all regardless of faith, TM™ meditation comes with so many strings attached to a wildly fantastic mythology (including all their so-called "science") that you may as well be dunking kids in full-on Christian baptisms.

Amen, Brother Jody.

Addendum 29 March, 2009: Skeptico wrote a good post about a related topic, remote healing and the power (or lack thereof) of focused intentions. This was in response to an article on distance healing that recently appeared in the Huffington Post. Here's Skep's take on it. Darn it all...more inconvenient truths for miracle seekers and sellers. But read it. It's good.

* If you're interested in that Afghanistan-Russia conflict, From That Flame is a fascinating fictionalized account involving one of the heroes of that war. Oddly enough, there is no mention in the book of the Maharishi Effect. (In the interests of full disclosure: The publisher of this book is a friend of mine, but I'm not getting any compensation for mentioning it.)

** Gullibalooza alert: If you can't make it to the David Lynch wingding, don't worry. Also on April 4 is a big to-do at the Unity Church of Dallas: the Conscious Community Expo & Concert, sponsored by The Peace Project. There will be messages, lectures and performances by scads of New-Wage luminaries, including Mr. Fire himself. According to the write-up on The Peace Project's web site, the rationale behind the big expo/concert is that "a collective, united consciousness has been scientifically proven to manifest results." The event is the culmination of the Peace Project's 10-month-long "Crime Reduction/Peace Enhancement Study" for AGNT (the Association for Global New Thought). One stated purpose of the gala is "to provide each community that uses THE PEACE PROJECT protocol substantial proof that these kind of community events are effective in increasing harmony and reducing crime – without cost to their city." Sound familiar?

* * * * *

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On hurricanes, the Universe, fan mail, and a song

Wow, it's September already. It's been a busy few days and now I'm getting ready to retire to the living room and watch the Republican debacle, but I thought I'd share a few snippets first.

Farces of nature
Hurricane Gustav has come and mostly gone, and fortunately didn't decimate New Orleans, although he was responsible for nearly a hundred deaths in the Caribbean. I am sure that the Hurricane Whisperer herself, Phoenix/Spirit Diva, aka Lynn Marks, who has claimed to be successful in calming numerous 'canes, will soon be taking credit for helping to talk Gustav out of being more awful than he was. Phoenix/SD led a telephone meditation for this very purpose a few nights ago; I was invited to join but had other plans. Anyway, I'm looking forward to reading the message Phoenix channeled from Gustav. As of now, her most recent channeling is from Hurricane Dolly, whom I mentioned here a couple of weeks ago. Here's part of what Dolly had to tell us:

Peace is your birthright.
Peace is the fertile soil for love to spring forth.
Everything has its natural life cycle.
Me, you and even those levies [sic] in Texas
As they were in New Orleans.

I can't wait to hear the words of love and wisdom from Gustav.

All this talk of hurricane taming puts me in mind of an excellent suggestion that my new pal Mojo shared in her comment to one of my recent posts. In response to my breaking the news that the sun is going to explode next July unless a large enough group of like-minded folks get together and stop it, Mojo suggested this:

Start a movement to get everyone together to think Good Thoughts and "attract" the sun into NOT blowing up next July. Sort of like that hurricane lady, only instead of calming tropical storms you can calm stellar explosions.

You can also take a page from Blair Warren [his classic "Mr. Amazing's Magic Rocks"] and sell magic sun-explosion-preventing rocks... Thus keeping with the fine self-help tradition of just ripping your schtick off from other people. Or as I prefer to call it, "standing on the shoulders of giants", or however that one goes. (It all just kind of mushes into one big vat o' poo after a while, don't it?)

I KNOW this will work, because I myself am the proud possessor of the world's first "make the sun rise every morning" rock. Every evening I meditate and praise my rock for doing such a good job, and sure enough the next morning it works again! And I'm open to joint ventures and affiliates, so long as I don't have to do any work...

The great thing about selling "keep the sun from exploding" rocks is, unlike those other SCAM rocks YOU can offer a money-back guarantee. "If the sun explodes at ANY TIME during your ownership of this rock, merely ship it back to us postage due (That's RIGHT! We are so confident of our rocks WE PAY THE SHIPPING!) and your money will be cheerfully refunded. No questions asked!"

Thanks to helpful readers such as Mojo, I am getting closer and closer to actually finding a good scam. Which seamlessly leads us into our next snippet...

Mr. Fire 'splains the workings of the Universe
If you've ever wondered how the Universe really works, you're in luck. I found this scientifical illustration on the site advertising Joe Vitale's new Romance Attractor "subliminal" CD set:

How the Universe Works

So y'all can forget all those stuffy astrophysicists and other "experts" with their real Ph.D.'s, and you can forget all of those episodes of Nova, and those books by the late Dr. Carl Sagan. All you really need to know about the Universe is that it is in direct communication with your unconscious mind, and vice-versa. The deal is, no matter what you consciously think, say or believe, the Universe bypasses all of that and goes straight for the part of you that is totally inaccessible – inaccessible, that is, unless you buy certain books/DVDs/subliminal products/coaching services, etc., which Mr. Fire just happens to sell.

If you don't shell out your money for these products and/or services, then your unconscious and the Universe will continue to be in cahoots against you. Your unconscious will talk about you behind your back, sending secret messages up to the Universe about you, giggling at your failures, telling jokes at your expense, and so on. And the Universe will say, "Wow, what an unworthy dweeb!" and it will keep on sending you things and people and events that you don't like, and/or failing to send you things and people and events that you do like. And you will have only yourself, or, rather, your unconscious, to blame.

If you do buy the helpful products and/or services, you have a chance of beating your unconscious into submission (otherwise known as "clearing") so that it only says nice things about you to the Universe, and the Universe is obliged to finally start rewarding you with things and people and events that make you happy.

The drawback is that since it's your unconscious, you'll never be completely aware of what's really going on there, so bad things might continue to happen to you, because your unconscious exists to sabotage you and will keep on doing so, unless you keep it thoroughly "cleared."

Fortunately there are always more products and/or services to buy, and you can just keep on buying and buying and buying until good things start happening in your life. Even then you will probably still need to keep on buying for the rest of your life in order to ensure that the good things keep happening. It's kind of like being an insulin-dependent diabetic, except you probably won't actually die if you don't continue to buy those scientistical selfish-help products; you'll just be unhappy for the rest of your life and wish you were dead. Or maybe a better analogy would be the one that Mark Victor Hansen so smugly used when putting Steve Salerno down on Anderson Cooper's show a few years back (and I'm paraphrasing here): you need to take a shower every day in order to stay clean and non-smelly, and you need to keep buying selfish-help crap frequently in order to stay selfishly helped.

And that's the way the Universe works.

PS added Saturday 6 September:
I got this in from Whirled Musings' resident poet, HHH, who is also an artist and, obviously, a man who understands how the Universe really works. Or at least the New-Wage/selfish-help Universe:

Another couple of fan letters
I received these kind words the other day, in response to a post I wrote in May of 2007 regarding up-and-coming hustledork Chris Howard (and some of his more clueless affiliates):

Anonymous said...

I agree with you…
You should never attend one of Chris Howard’s seminars.

You are far too negative and closed minded, plus very egotistical to attend anything that just may show you up as being self-centered and opinionated.

Carry on with your one eyed comments in your own little world in blogger land. Where you reign supreme and get your jollys off with pathetic comments from like minded closed minded people like you.

5:36 AM

Anonymous said...

oh how pathetic, you're the only one to gets to say what you want to say... any blog moderated is a waste of time reading or commenting on

5:37 AM

To which I replied:

Anon, you obviously feel very strongly about Mr. Howard, as evidenced by the fact that you felt compelled to write not once, but twice.

FYI, I will publish any comment that is not overtly profane or in some way actionable (i.e., libelous).

And no, moderating blogs is not a waste of time. If this blog weren't moderated, then the aforementioned profane or actionable comments would be automatically published, along with spam messages about online gambling and penis enlargers. We do try to stay on topic here. :-)

Anyway, it's obvious that my post strongly affected you. Believe me, I do understand that disillusionment is never easy, and I only hope you didn't shell out too much money on your hero.

I thought I'd do Anon a favor and bring this up to the front page.

Why do the chickens have human arms?
And finally, here is a plaintive little song to carry you into the weekend. I know, I know, it's not the weekend yet, but it will be before you know it. (Warning: if you are at all offended by use of the "f" word or by references to recreational drug use, do NOT follow this link.)

* * * * *

And that's it for now. I hope to soon have an update on the ongoing saga of the Blunder From Down Under, David Schirmer... plus a thoughtful and well-researched post about a serious social problem... and oh, so much more. So much to blog about, so little time to blog.

For now, I'm off to the living room to watch that big spectacle in Minnesota, and get in some quality yelling-at-the-TV time. Apparently Mitt Romney just finished telling everyone that liberals/Democrats are to blame for our government getting too big for its britches. I suggest you hop on over to Steve Salerno's blog for some engaging discussions about that carnival/soap opera we call an American presidential election.