Back to Snarky Town...

...and not a moment too soon. Just a few little snippets tonight, Dear Ones.

Another dome idea
Yesterday I was Googling and Twittering and just generally drifting in the great ocean of online time wasters, when I swam across a web site about an ambitious project called the Dolphin Sound Dome. The Dolphin Sound Dome, according to its creators, is "a floating temple over the ocean," meaning that it is basically a place where a class of conspicuously enlightened humans who refer to themselves as "sound practitioners" can gather together to moan and howl in a deeply spiritual way so as to annoy any free-swimming dolphins and whales who might happen by. On the Dolphin Sound web site is a scrolling quotation that the Dolphin Sound people claim is straight from the dolphins themselves: "When you 'think' with your heart, the path becomes clear."

If you allow JavaScript while browsing the site, you'll get to hear some of the human sound practitioners "singing" to the dolphins. "Listen for the sounds of dolphins chuffing into our resonant tones at the beginning of the recording," the copy instructs.

I felt guided to let Chris Locke at Mystic B know about this. So I sent him the link, and Chris wrote back:

"Listen for the sounds of dolphins chuffing..." I happen to know a little Dolphin, and they are clearly saying: "Would you PLEASE shut the f--k up? We were trying to sleep down here!"

Just between you and me, I honestly don't think these so-called sound practitioners are really all that sound, if you know what I mean. I do think they should be a lot more careful, especially in light of the serious scientifical evidence that dolphins and whales really hate us. You've been warned, Dolphin Sound People!

And speaking of dolphins, here's a New-Agey movie I somehow missed. Darn.

Another miracle in a bottle...and another "permanent" weight-loss secret
I know this is going to come as a huge surprise to you, but Joe "Mr. Fire" Vitale has discovered a miracle supplement. Recently he enthused on Twitter: "I'm told this is THE Fountain of Youth http://tinyurl.com/c9nva4 ."

The supplement in question is called, for some reason I've not yet figured out, Astral Fruit – not to be confused with the Astral Projection Pill I wrote about here back in October of 2006.

According to the web site, Astral Fruit contains "a natural small molecule Telomerase activator," and it "supports Cardiovascular Health, DNA Repair, Telomere Repair, lengthening [ahem], Cell Division and Chromosome Health." You can get it for a one-time price of $29.99 for a one-month supply, or get sucked into...er...signed onto an automatic-deduction-into-perpetuity deal for $27.99 a month.

I'm sure that Joe wrote about this miracle in a bottle only because he has his readers' best interests in mind, and not because he is selling Astral Fruit himself, or writing on behalf of one of his buddies who is selling it. I'm sure Joe himself doesn't need another Fountain of Youth, particularly after he discovered that miraculous stem-cell enhancing supplement, StemEnhance, that he blogged about last year. That supplement solved all of his remaining health problems, including his asthma and his food sensitivities.

Something must be working for him, fountain-of-youth-wise, because a couple of nights ago, after his latest Rolls-Royce Mastermind session, he Tweeted:

Told tonite: "Joe, I'm a medical doctor and I can't explain how you look so young." Ahh, compliments. http://www.blog.mrfire.com 11:14 PM Apr 9th from web

Joe provided a link in his Tweet to his blog, in which, in a recent post, he once again promotes the work of his new pal, serial scammer Kevin Trudeau. The implication, I suppose, is that his "secret weight loss" formula, including the stuff he learned in True-Dough's weight-loss book, is what's making him look so youthful. And by the way, Joe also claims in that post to have finally found the permanent cure to weight loss. But I think we've heard that claim before... In fact, I know we have.

Here's what did the trick for Joe, weight-loss-wise, a few short years ago:

I've done several things you've never heard of, from investing $15,000 in a "time machine," to having "karmic surgery" done, to wearing a magic ring blessed by a group of Indian mystics, to training with world-famous body builder Frank Zane, to working out with T.R. Goodman, the man who trains actor James Caan, to -- well, I'm not going to tell you everything.

Of course, I also had to learn how to elevate my consciousness about food and exercise. I had to get mentally tough and spiritually aware. It's been a process of awakening.

As for the weight-loss secret du jour that Joe is currently sharing (and about which he is now apparently planning to write an entire book), an important part of it involves the program Kevin Trudeau touts in his weight-loss book. This program includes a 500-calorie-a-day diet. In his blog post, Joe writes:

Kevin says the diet is easy, which is the only thing I disagree with him about. Eating 500 calories a day (you get the rest of the fuel from HCG burning fat) is not easy, especially in social situations.

A little later, however, when responding to a comment from an MD who disagreed with Joe about the Trudeau-recommended program, Joe wrote:

I also found the diet a ssnap [sic] to follow. What you can eat is spelled out so its [sic] a no brainer. That’s easy. I admit eating in social situations was more of a challenge, as everyone is gorging while you aren’t, but I did it.

Unless "ssnap" is some code word for "challenging," it appears that Joe is contradicting himself. (I know: like that's never happened before.) Here is someone else's commentary about the weight-loss plan Trudeau outlines in his book, which might give you an idea of how "easy" it really is.

Joe claims that the real difference in this radical program – the factor that makes the caloric deprivation cause your body to lose unwanted fat instead of healthy muscle – is a substance called HCG, which, although not illegal in the US, requires medical supervision. Joe doesn't 'splain what HCG is, so I will. HCG, which is administered as daily injections (for 45 days!) during Phase 2 of the Trudeau program, is short for human chorionic gonadotrophin. This is a hormone found in the urine of pregnant women. (And yes, urine is a rich source of remedies. The traditional Rx drug for menopause is made from pregnant mare's pee (that would be Premarin). And HCG for weight loss is a substance found in the pee of pregnant women. Wait...pregnant women gain weight. Pregnancy can make a person huge. What the...?)

The HCG protocol was originally created in the 1950s by a Brit doc named Dr. Albert T. Simeons. It has been pretty much discredited, and today HCG injections are primarily used for treating fertility problems. (Now, that makes sense.)

With the exception of the M.D. who disagreed with Joe on the Trudeau...er...Simeons protocol, the majority of the comments to his secret-weight-loss formula post were positive. (One person did weigh in with her own scientifical explanation and protocol. She's Dr. Maureen Maples, a chiropractor and naturopathic physician who just happens to peddle a line of "emotion potions" that balance your chakras and such.)

At any rate, here's the real skinny on HCG, according to Dr. Stephen Barrett's Quackwatch site. As for Joe, he's looking fit and says he's feeling fine these days. But then again, he said that back in 2005 or so, when he named himself the Charles Atlas of the Internet. I'm just sayin'...

Cosmic Connie gets taken to task yet again
As you may recall, recently I was read the read the riot act about what a rage-filled and frightened twerp I am. Naturally, I was devastated (well, not really). But the criticism just keeps on coming. Today I received a comment to a post that is over two years old. This was actually one of my more thoughtful pieces, in which I expressed my doubts and ambivalence about some of life's deep questions, and discussed some of the factors that keep me from being a complete skeptic about everything.

A few folks liked the post. But a person named Anonymous (I get a lot of those) wasn't at all impressed. Here is what Anonymous wrote to me (my words, as quoted by Anon, are in pink, and Anon's remarks / "rereading" are in blue):

My reread of the amazing philospher [sic] and logician Cosmic Connie:
I’ve never been a big Deepak Chopra fan. (Does it show?) Chopra gets points off in my book for several things, including his considerable ego, unlike my own small, reasonable and totally deserving ego demonstrated by the fact that I've posted my thoughts, along with my photo here, for all the world to study:, the Q.M. (quantum mysticism) factor which he doesn't understand, but I do with my degree in quantum physics, quantum mechanics and Superstring Theory: his former close ties with the Maharishi,who I also don't like, disapprove of and arbitrarily declare a phony: and just the general fact that he's been a New-Wage cult figure for over fifteen years, and everybody kowns [sic] that trends, truths and fashions of the day change and we should move on. Who listens to Dr.Phil anymore?? I rest my case.

Setting aside the fact that my correspondent only addressed the first paragraph or so of my post, which actually had little to do with the deeper message I was attempting to convey, I have to admit that the idea of your Cosmic Connie as a logician or quantum physics expert is pretty hilarious. But then again...well, just click here for my response.

PS ~ Shortly after I published this post, I checked my email, and apparently the "Anonymous" person I quoted above does have another name. He sent not one but two private emails to me that repeated, verbatim, the comment sent to my blog (just in case I was too dense to get it the first time, I guess). The subject line: Free Speach [sic]: A Waste for those with Nothing (worthwhile) To Say. I know your name now, Anon, but don't worry; I won't share that it is John Gast in Canada. Oops.

Meaningless quotation(s) of the day
"The greatest gift u can give others is an attitude of 'unconditional positive regard' -- acception without limitation."

That gem comes to you from master motivator Brian Tracy. Never mind that "acception" isn't even a word, and that "unconditional positive regard" of someone or something is not necessarily a good thing, say nothing of "the greatest gift." Hey, it's Brian Tracy, after all! If he says it, it has to be profound.

Actually, I first ran across the Brian Tracy quotation as a "re-Tweet" on Secret teacher John Assaraf's Twitter page. Once again I was reminded of that "magic circle jerk of mutual self-admiration" that Chris Locke mentioned in the post I quoted the other day. I was reminded even more of it when I saw John Assaraf following the standard Twitter hustlers' practice of "re-Tweeting" a compliment given to him by someone else:

RT @InnoFuture: @OneCoach John, reading Answer, fantastic, your own twits r proof that u walk the walk &have a great life balance, congrats!

InnoFuture, the Twitterer who gave John Assaraf the compliment he felt compelled to re-Tweet, is a Melbourne, Australia woman named Margaret Manson, who describes herself on her Twitter page as, "Don Quichote [sic] for innovative Australia; collector of modern philosophers; hooked on innovation, coffee and Italian culture." The Tweet that apparently inspired her to praise John was this one:

using the next 10 minutes to think and be, no doing. Connect to the source as I call it.

Pretty darned profound, huh? By the way, John also recently Tweeted about a video of his "Best Year Ever" speech, a pep talk in which he told his audience that he refuses to play along with the recession. Frankly, though, he sounds just a tad desperate.

This one won't grow up and rip your best friend's face off
Finally, although this isn't about New-Wage stuff, it is about strange/silly/sad obsessions, so you could say it is marginally related to my normal subject matter.

A few months ago the ABC show 20/20 had a show about mothering, and there was one segment about how some women indulge their maternal instincts by collecting super-realistic baby dolls, also known as "reborns." This topic has been rather widely covered elsewhere as well. On a fairly frequent basis, I come across ads for one of those expensive "collectible" baby dolls in a magazine or Sunday newspaper supplement. They are noteworthy not only for the product itself but for the schlocky ad copy.

But the one that really takes the cake (or, more likely, the banana) is "Little Umi." I saw an ad for "Little Umi" not long after I watched that 20/20 segment (you don't suppose this could be one of those synchronicity things, do you?). "Little Umi" is lovingly brought to you by Ashton-Drake and beloved doll artist Wendy Dickison.

I scarcely knew whether to laugh, cry, or hurl as I read the ad copy:

Fall in love with Little Umi, a collectible orangutan baby doll you have to see to believe, and the first-ever So Truly Real® baby monkey doll! Beautifully crafted, her head and limbs are of collector-quality silicone that recreate every realistic detail of her face, hands and feet. Hand-rooted wispy red hair covers her from head to toe. Offer Little Umi her FREE pacifier and watch as she gazes up at you with gentle, trusting eyes.

This irresistible collectible monkey doll by renowned doll artist Wendy Dickison is available exclusively from The Ashton-Drake Galleries. Best of all, a portion of the proceeds from your purchase of Little Umi will be donated to support rainforest preservation! Don't wait to let your love for Little Umi nurture the miracle of birth and life across our beautiful world. Strong demand is expected, so order now!

In regard to the title I chose for this snippet*, I am aware that "Little Umi" is a baby orangutan (and, of course, not a live one),** whereas the ape that was recently in the news for attacking a woman was an adult chimpanzee (and, though once alive, no longer is). However, I think that maybe the kind of people who would buy a monkey doll are precisely the kind who should be reminded that orangutans, though cute and cuddly when infants, are just as dangerous to humans when they grow up as chimps are.

Unfortunately, these facts haven't stopped some people from trying to adopt apes as pets. And, of course, the apes' smaller brethren, monkeys, have long been popular pets (or at least they are popular until their owners find out how loud and messy monkeys really are). Take a look at this early-1960s back-pages magazine ad:

By the way, if you really want to get p.o.'d about how humans treat some of our fellow primates, click here.

Oh, but I don't want you to leave mad. I want you to leave here charmed and delighted. Here, then, is some real live cuteness. Yes, it's captive cuteness, but captive presumably in the interests of preserving a species rather than indulging someone's longing for an exotic pet.

So...from snarky to Snuzzy: that's quite a trip, and I'm tired. But I'll be back soon.

And more than likely, I'll be snarking.

* My alternative title was "Ape misbehavin'"...but I think I used that somewhere before.
** Memo to people actually considering buying this item: You do know that "Little Umi" is not a live monkey and is not literally gazing at you with trusting eyes, right?

Just don’t crap in the river, okay?

Just in time for the Chinese New Year – and Happy Year Of The Pig, everyone! – I get this email from a woman inviting me to China this summer to help heal the planet and activate my intestines at the same time. The woman, an Aussie named Dr. Lilliana Corredor, is, according to her bio page on an Austrailian site called HolisticPage, "an Expert in Water, with Degrees in: Biology, Chemistry, Marine Biology, General Oceanography, Biological Oceanography and Freshwater Organisms from Universities in South America, France and Australia." (Were there at one time Freshwater Organisms in the Universities in South America, France and Australia? Someone look into this for me, okay?)

Dr. Corredor, who is said to have two decades of publication in scientific journals under her belt, left academia in 1990 and has been devoting her life since then to water-oriented environmental education campaigns. At some point on her life’s journey, she realized that healing the waters of the Earth is key to healing the Earth itself, as well as to healing "the Lovebody of Humanity," the latter of which, near as I can tell, has to do with karmic issues. Dr. Corredor even wrote a book about the subject, Healing The Water & The Emotions, which retails for $50.00 (Australian dollars, that is; that would be a little over $39.00 US at current exchange rates). She apparently gets most of her guidance in these matters from the Star Dolphins and the Higher Council of Water Beings, of whom Poseidon, God of the Sea, is one. With their help, she now leads Water Healing Tours, including the upcoming Water Healing Journey To China and Tibet.*

The focus of this tour, which takes place from July 22 through August 3 of this year, will be the Yangtze River, the longest river in Asia. I can hear Monty Python’s Eric Idle now, reciting the eloquent poem: "Oh Yangtze! / Oh Yangtze! / Beautiful River. / River full of...fish." Alas, fish are not the only things in and around the Yangtze and China. There’s that controversy with the Three Gorges Dam, f’instance. Not to mention China’s notorious history of human-rights violations, such as that unpleasantness a while back in Tiananmen Square. The place is a hotbed of historical, environmental, and karmic issues.

And that’s where Dr. Corredor and her group come in. They’re going to tackle all of those things and more. By performing daily meditations during the tour, under the guidance of the Hosts of Love & Light of course, the group will "harmonize and balance the discord generated by humanity that is accumulated in the waters of the areas visited," Dr. Corredor explains. This will also help alleviate global warming. "We anchor our love & gratefulness in the local earth & waters," Dr. Corredor says. "We consider this a small payment to Gaia, this magnificent planet that provides us with all that supports our life stream."

"But wait, Cosmic Connie," I hear you saying. "You mentioned intestines at the very beginning of this post. What does all of this have to do with my intestines?"

Well, as you probably know, next to planetary healing, the one big issue that the typical New-Wager has long been concerned about is his or her colon, and for good reason. Some researchers believe that the intestines, rather than the heart, are the seat of all emotions, and there’s some pretty compelling evidence to support that notion, such as this picture from Dr. Yakov Koyfman, an intestinal expert in the Atlanta, Georgia area. The intestines are also apparently to blame for many health problems. "In any modern person, the walls of your Small Intestine are covered with toxic mucus and stagnant bile, you get nutrient deficiency," Dr. Koyfman helpfully advises on his web site.** He will clean out all of your intestinal parts for a mere $1,200.00, or $1,080.00 if you pay in advance.

"But that still doesn’t explain what this has to do with the China Water Healing tour!" I hear you saying. Wait, I’m coming to that. At the same time that the participants in Dr. Corredor’s Water Healing Tour are tending to the Yangtze and other area landmarks, they will also be activating their intestine chakras, according to the information on the Water Healing Tour web site. This all has to do with the Lovebody thing, I think.

If you cannot understand how your intestine chakra can be activated by a group meditation, or, for that matter, how a bunch of affluent, conspicuously enlightened tourists with newly-activated intestines could possibly help heal the Yangtze, clear the discord in Tiananmen Square, and help mitigate global warming,*** you clearly have no understanding of the subtle energies at work in the Universe. Then again, I don’t understand these things either, as fans of The Secret are always trying to tell me. But it's not necessary to understand how something works in order to make it work. I'd just take Doc Corredor's word for it if I were you; after all, she got the word from the Star Dolphins and Poseidon.

Anyway, I thought you’d like to know about this great new tour op. I think it’s a wonderful chance to give something back to this old rock we call home, while helping to heal humanity’s Lovebody and working on your own intestinal issues.

And if that doesn’t work, remember, Dr. Koyfman is waiting in Georgia with his…um…instruments.

* The link, which sometimes works and sometimes doesn’t, is http://www.water-consciousness.com/china.htm.
** I sure hope you aren't reading this while you're eating dinner or something.
*** Some might argue that overly active intestines could actually contribute to global warming.

Magic is afoot

No doubt you’ve been reading some pretty strange things in the news lately from the world of science. I thought it would be a good idea to present a few of the stories behind the stories. Thank Goddess you have this blog to help you get to The Truth.

If you dream it, you will sea it
Spiritual and financial advisor Chellie Campbell, founder of the Dolphin Club, continues to claim that there are only three kinds of fish in the sea: Dolphins, Sharks, and Tuna. How is it, then, that scientists are discovering more species of marine life every day, especially in the deep seas? The latest sea census has allegedly uncovered a diverse range of critters – and not just strange "new" species of fish, but other extraordinary creatures such as hot-tubbing shrimp, giant lobsters, furry crabs, hairy clams, sea unicorns, and pygmy mermaids.

"We can’t find anyplace where we can’t find anything new," says Ron O’Dor, a senior scientist with the census.

How can this be? Dr. Dupert Mandrake, noted causality researcher and Miracles Coach, says it is just more proof that we create our own reality. "The scientists are creating these new species themselves, simply by desiring to discover them," says Dr. Mandrake. "These strange animals are the scientists' thought-forms come to life. As we learned in the hit science documentaries What The Bleep Do We Know? and The Secret, we not only create our reality, but we can manifest anything just by thinking about it."

Dr. Mandrake explains that every scientist wants to be the first to discover a new species or star or planet or medical breakthrough. They all want to have something named after them. If their desire is powerful and focused enough, the new species or star or whatever will actually be manifested. That's what's been happening undersea. "The marine biologists are working on particularly fertile ground, or, more accurately, in fertile waters, because the Ocean is the Mother of all life," Dr. Mandrake says. He himself has just spent a week creating several new species of sea sprites and coral fairies, merely by imagining them.

When asked about Chellie Campbell’s claim that there are only three kinds of fish in the sea – or, for that matter, her continued insistence that dolphins are fish – he says, "That is absolutely true, in Chellie’s reality. This reality works for her and for members of her Dolphin Club, just as the sea-census takers’ reality works for them and for those who choose to believe their stories about furry crabs and such. I don’t think we should be judgmental."

The tracks of his tears
For a few years now, astronomers and other science geeks have been going on and on about the possibility of water on Mars. They keep finding "new" evidence that there may have been water on the surface or below the surface of the Red Planet.

"Well, of course there’s water on Mars," says intuitive cosmologist Dr. Randa Maxx. She even knows the reason; her research has uncovered evidence that the Face On Mars is weeping because of the terrible things humans are doing to the Earth and to each other. "It’s the very same reason that Mary, Mother of God, has been making Her statues weep, and causing statues of Her son to bleed," explains Dr. Maxx. "The dramatic increase in statue miracles on this planet is but a pale reflection of the miracles occurring elsewhere in the solar system and galaxy."

Some scientists have pooh-poohed the notion of the Face On Mars, pointing to "clearer" more recent photographs of the area that most seekers of truth know to be The Face. Dr. Maxx scoffs at these. "Everybody who’s bothered to do any research at all knows those photos were faked," she says "The truth is that there is a Face, and it is weeping, and now its nose is running too. In addition, the entire planet is sweating because it is worried about the events that are now transpiring. This explains the reasons for the water appearing in other spots besides the Face. There is still time for the Lightworkers to turn things around, but Mars isn't very optimistic. And I believe the Red Planet's weeping and sweating will continue until the next major galactic shift is complete and we all become omnidimensional beings."

Dust to dust
Comet dust is making a big splash in the headlines now. According to some scientists, the dust of comets is revealing intriguing new possibilities about the origins of our Solar System and the birth of life on Earth. This comet dust was supposedly scattered around the Solar System eons ago, and it created life wherever it landed.

Since the dust is so powerful, it is, of course, going to be harvested and marketed here on Earth, to aid those who can afford it in their manifestation efforts. However, at an expected $250,000.00 USD per ounce, it will be beyond the budget of the average manifester.

What scientists are not telling you, because, obviously, they don’t want you to know, is that an even more powerful dust is widely available now for only $9.99 USD. A woman on Maui who goes by the name Miss Bootzie sells gold dust blessed by Lakshmi, the goddess of wealth and good fortune. Sprinkle some of this dust in your pocket, wallet, or purse, and watch your money grow!

From the far reaches of the galaxy to the swirling depths of Mother Ocean, it’s a wonderful Universe we live in. It is, in fact, a much more wondrous place than stuffy old science generally makes it out to be. Thank goodness, then, that we have cutting-edge researchers and reporters to help us find the greater truth behind the mundane hash that science is always slinging our way.

The title of today’s post was inspired by my fave songwriter Leonard Cohen and his famous "God Is Alive, Magic Is Afoot" poem (originally appearing in his novel, Beautiful Losers).

I made up Dupert Mandrake and Randa Maxx and their quotations. But Chellie Campbell and that woman on Maui who sells the gold dust are real.

Friday fragments

Here it is December already, at least by the Gregorian Calendar. Since my thoughts are somewhat fragmented, I'll just scatter a few tidbits before going off to run some errands with The Rev…

Movin’ on up
Just got some wonderful news from my favorite Lightworker, Bryan James,* regarding the 50 million lost souls in the Nether Regions:

As of 11/27/06, about 80% have shown some movement (40 million), 70% of them (35 million) have opened their eyes, 6% are walking around with some help (3 million) and a small percentage (750,000) are asking questions like "Who am I?", "Where am I?", and "Why am I here?"

This is amazing progress, especially considering that some of these lost children have been sleeping down there for thousands of years. It took a miracle worker like Bryan, in conjunction with Shondra "The Chakra Queen" Bert, to wake these folks up. I have a strong feeling – call it intuition, call it psychic ability – that at this rate, the lost ones really will all be "home for Christmas," which is the Lightworkers' implicit goal. I’m not sure all of these lost souls actually celebrate Christmas, since some of them have been down there since before there even was a Christmas, or a Christ, but hey, those are just details. I expect to get an email on or about Christmas Eve, informing me that, thanks to the diligent work of Bryan and Shondra and a host of Holy Ones, the goal has been reached.

And there’s even more exciting news. Now, just in time for the Holy Season, you can hear the voice of Mary, Mother of God, Divine Mother of us all. I was a little disappointed to find out that Mary actually sounds a little timid and whiny, but that is probably because she’s using a nice upper-middle-aged lady (that would be our Shondra) as a vehicle. At least she isn’t speaking in a dreadful foreign accent like the masters who talk through Penny Torres, aka "ammagi," aka Swami Blonde. Anyway, to hear Mary speak about the Nether World project, the return of the Divine Feminine and some other crap important matters, click here.

And, as usual, your thoughts, prayers, love, light and monetary energy units will be appreciated to help Bryan and Shondra with their Nether World project.

I warned you about whales and dolphins…
…but y’all aren’t listening. How many "incidents" with p.o.’d captive killer whales, or angry wild dolphins, is it going to take to convince you people?

I’ll say it once again: Dolphins and whales do not like us, and many of them actually hate us. I heard it from noted marine mammal biologist Dr. Dell Finnaday, and as a service to humanity I put the information on this blog (not to mention in my BLP (book-like product), Cosmic Relief). Find something else to go on enlightened swims with – clown fish, sea turtles, small octopi (who, according to some scientists, are as intelligent as domestic cats**) – and leave the cetaceans alone, for Goddess’ sake.

I apologize to The Secretrons
My sincerest apologies to angry fans of The Secret who may have thought I was implying, on my November 28 post, that they are in any way hygiene-impaired. The misunderstanding was a result of my use of the well-known term "unwashed masses" to refer to the common people. I was only playing on the words of the Secret star who told ABCNews.com: "This is the most historic moment in history because this powerful information is being broadcast to the masses, to the people on the street in a way they can understand and relate to. They sit. They watch it. They absorb it." That sounded quite condescending to me, so I just carried on the condescending theme. Hey, that guy started it. Or, in LOA parlance, he attracted it.

In truth I am well aware that the average fan of The Secret is middle- to upper-middle-class, and many are striving mightily to be upper-class (not that there is really anything so distasteful as "class" in the New-Wage world. There are, however, ritzy gated communities in the Texas Hill Country, in Taos, in Sedona, on Maui, and in other enlightened spots.). At any rate, the average Secret fan is undoubtedly well-versed in personal hygiene, and is, I would venture to guess, an avid consumer of hygiene-related products, particularly if the word "aromatherapy" appears somewhere on the label.

However, since some of y’all did bring it up, I do wonder about some of the people who claim to have watched The Secret 200 times in two weeks, and the like. Unless they haul their hygiene materials out to the media room, or they have a TV or other device that allows them to view The Secret in their bathroom, it would seem that watching the best-selling infomercial would leave little time for personal hygiene or anything else. But then, maybe people who know The Secret are experts at multi-tasking, or perhaps even bilocation. I clearly know nothing about the subjects covered in The Secret, as a few enlightened souls have been kind enough to point out to me.***

And so in my abject state of ignorance I leave you, Dear Ones, to venture with The Rev out into the brilliant cold of this glorious December morning. Don’t forget to send your love and light to those lost souls in the Nether Worlds. Or, better yet, send me some money, and I’ll send the love and light for you.

* Why do I get the feeling that Bryan’s wife Lisa (whose pic appears on the Circle of Lights web site, but about whom nothing is actually said) is the main earner in the family, by virtue of having a real job that allows Bryan to engage in his New-Wage hobbies?
** And more intelligent than some cat owners.
*** Why does, "Jane, you ignorant slut?" come to mind?

Swim with the hustledorks

We modern-day humans have a tendency to make life far more complicated than it needs to be. Despite the proven facts* that total happiness and astounding success can be obtained through mastering three, five, six, seven, eight, nine, or ten easy principles (depending upon which book you happen to be reading) – and that recovery from even the most devastating addictions or emotional crises can be realized in twelve steps – we are forever trying to muck things up with complexity.

I think that in part we have science to blame, with its irritating tendency to point out complexities rather than simplicity. For example, for years we’ve been told by scientists that there are thousands of species of fish swimming in the Earth’s oceans (albeit far fewer individual members of various species these days, given the global overfishing problem). And it seems that "new" species are being "discovered" all the time. Turns out that the scientists were exaggerating, as usual. Yesterday I got an email from a lady named Chellie Campbell, who informed me that "There are three kinds of fish in the sea: Dolphins, Sharks and Tuna."

I bet you didn’t know Dolphins were fish, did you? But they are, at least in Chellie’s world. And they are one of only three kinds of fish you need to be concerned about. Here’s how to distinguish them from each other:

Dolphins are wonderful creatures: intelligent, happy, and playful. They communicate; they swim in schools. They’ve been known to ward off a shark attack and protect the other fish. They are fun-loving and beautiful, arcing in graceful leaps over the waves.

Sharks are eating machines. It’s not their fault; they were born that way. But their job is to eat you. If you find yourself in the water with a shark, put your shark fin on or get out of the water. It’s very difficult for a dolphin to act like a shark, and you’ll never be as good at it as a real shark, so I recommend getting out of the water.

Tuna fish are food. They don’t know that the blood in the water is their own. They think everything that happens to them is somebody else’s fault. They take no responsibility for their choices. It’s like there are three kinds of people: the people that make things happen, the people that watch things happen, and the people who say, "What happened?" (Those are the tuna.)

Sharks will steal your money and tuna will leech money from you. Real money is made when you have dolphins on your team.

Who are the fish in your sea?

I guess Chellie is another person who hasn’t seen some of the cutting-edge research about dolphins, which I blogged about a few months ago.

But never mind that. Chellie is not a marine biologist or any other type of scientist, but a Financial Stress Reduction ® specialist, Law of Attraction fan and professional self-promoter. She is the author of two books, Zero to Zillionaire: 8 Foolproof Steps to Financial Peace of Mind, and The Wealthy Spirit: Daily Affirmations for Financial Stress Reduction. Chellie is not exactly a zillionaire herself, but she is willing to sell you the secrets that will make you a zillionaire. And apparently she has come to the attention of some of the top Law of Attraction mercenaries, such as Chicken Soup For The Soul magnate Jack Canfield, who included her story in his compilation work, You’ve Got To Read This Book! 55 People Tell The Story Of The Book That Changed Their Life.

Chellie is the founder of The Dolphin Club, an online networking organization that you can join for only $9.98 a month. Let’s face it; you can’t be a New-Wage practitioner and not exploit dolphins in some manner, even if you do it in a purely metaphorical way. And if you join Chellie's Dolphin Club, you will get a chance to metaphorically swim with metaphorical dolphins. Dolphins, in this case, are people who will earnestly try to transform your world and change your life by selling you their stuff, and you in turn can earnestly try to transform their worlds and lives by selling them your stuff. You can hustle each other till the sea-cows come home. But it's not all hustle. You’ll also receive a ton of membership benefits, including free daily affirmation / screensaver software, a free copy of one of Chellie’s book proposals, and "special access to anything Chellie," which includes "her guidance, thoughts, resources, special tips, products, and other information available only to members."

Best of all, for a limited time only, aspiring authors who join will get a chance to show their book proposals to Chellie’s literary agent, Lisa Hagan of Paraview Inc. (slogan: "Transforming The World One Book At A Time"). Although Lisa’s clients include several authors of books on metaphysical and paranormal subjects, I really think she is going to rue the day she agreed to participate in this. I have a feeling that after she’s read a few crappy proposals – harbingers of even crappier manuscripts – she’s going to get out of the water, metaphorically speaking, as quickly as she can.

* * *

And speaking of sharks, I fear that one of my favorite shows, the CBS series, Cold Case, jumped the shark on the episode that aired November 19 ("Fat Chick Down"**). If you follow the link, you’ll see that other folks think the show jumped quite a few episodes ago, but I don’t agree. However, the November 19 show was so full of intensely unlikable characters, and the story line was so stupid, that I didn’t even cry during the end scene where everyone is walking in slow motion to the sound of some poignantly relevant song from the year the murder took place. Generally that part of the show will bring me to tears even if I haven’t seen any of the rest of the episode. Not this time. It just left me…well, cold. I hope this was just an aberration and not a true shark jump.

* That is, if the "nonfiction" bestseller lists are any proof.
** That probably wasn’t the real name of the episode, but that’s what it was about.

Flipper is out to get us

As science advances, it is getting more and more difficult to know what to believe. I’m not just talking about that recent astronomy debacle that resulted in Pluto being stripped of its planethood; the problem exists throughout all areas of science – astronomy, physics, medicine, biology, metaphysics, cryptozoology, etc. Researchers are constantly coming up with new information about a given subject, while at the same time other researchers are uncovering totally contradictory information about the same subject.

Dolphins are a case in point. Lots of people really love dolphins, and many believe that the dolphins love them right back. In fact, some of the most respected metaphysical researchers working today believe that dolphins were sent to this planet for the sole purpose of helping us humans evolve spiritually. I have to admit there’s quite a body of credible evidence to back them up.

For example, I received an email the other day offering me a gift directly from the dolphins. At least that is what it said on the subject line. The gift being offered was something called "KorManu," described as "A Revealed Art of Transformation." Actually, it wasn’t a gift in the classical sense, since if I’d chosen to accept it, it would have set me back $125.00 USD or more. But I was willing to overlook this seeming inconsistency because the information was so intriguing.

"Today," intoned the email, "you step through a gateway of your own choice. Not many individuals have moved through this sacred gateway of self-knowledge and understanding. This sacred passage is causal and will be a catalyst for your highest attainment as well as for the healing of others. By accepting this energy you vow to use all knowledge forthcoming in only love. Know that this method is from the stars and is used extensively throughout the various civilizations throughout the cosmos."

Despite the subject line, this missive was signed not by the dolphins but by The Great White Brotherhood. However, I think the GWB is working for the dolphins, or vice versa; I am not quite sure. On the other hand, it could be that this particular Great White Brotherhood is some sort of shark union, rather than the more familiar consortium of Ascended Masters and Illuminati. But since the dolphins are involved, I'm sure it's all on the up-and-up.

Actually, when I receive these types of emails I am never entirely sure about who’s writing what and who’s doing whom, since the writers so often use the passive voice and are otherwise cryptic. It seems that in these emails, things are always being "revealed" or "received" or "given" or "manifested," but they are rarely clear about just who is doing the revealing or receiving or giving or manifesting.

But never mind that. I wanted to find out more about this "KorManu" gift that the dolphins were offering to sell me, and I was in luck, for the very next paragraph offered this helpful explanation:

KorManu means ‘core creation’ or ‘first work’ and embodies a multi-dimensional model of energy and thought. KorManu was originally received through two Reiki Masters in the Pacific Northwest of the United States in 1993 from The Great White Brotherhood on the inner planes. It is ancient and futuristic and has been birthed in the language of the dolphins. This system of energy work has a laser like quality which is dramatic, intelligent, powerful and creative. It has comes to us from the fourteenth dimension which is the full circle of past, present and future. KorManu assists in opening the "gates within".

This is a two step process. Individuals who receive these attunements will be inspired by Spirit in the moment, and will bring through many other symbols and methods of moving Light. The actual time requirement for this process is minimal. The results are profound.

All those interested in facilitating greater healing energies in their bodies and in their healing services to others and the Earth are welcome to receive KorManu. For more information on this dynamic process, please contact Ariel at trinityariel@verizon.net.

The message ended with this invocation: "Selamut Gajun!! Selamat Ja!!" This, the writer explained, is Sirian for "Be one!! Be Joy!!" Not "Syrian," mind you, but "Sirian." I wasn’t sure if this is the language spoken on Sirius, the Dog Star, or the language spoken by the Sirenians, aka the manatees and dugongs. But it doesn’t matter; I am always open to learning a new foreign language.

I studied the message with great care. I was particularly concerned with that bit about the fourteenth dimension. As I’ve previously noted, I have enough trouble making my way in three or four dimensions; the fourteenth dimension is almost too much for me to even think about. But if the dolphins went to all that trouble to pop up into the fourteenth dimension just to shop for a gift for me, I owed it to them to at least see what they had to offer. So I went to the Dolphin Energies website mentioned in the email, and learned more about who the dolphins really are:

Dolphins are master healers and keepers of the light upon planet earth. They are highly evolved omni-dimensional beings who live in the oneness. Their role is similar to that of the angelic kingdom. They are here to watch over us, to help us and support us, and to guide us on our remembrance to radiant wholeness. Their love for humanity is profound. Like the angels, the dolphins' influence transcends time, space and physicality. It is not necessary to be in their physical presence to be healed by them and to receive their gifts. Now, more than ever before, humanity as a whole is ready and willing to receive the profound gifts the dolphins have to share.

As it turns out, dolphins are also Reiki practitioners. Coincidentally, it was Reiki practitioners who first received the teachings of KorManu. Naturally, these Reiki folk were on the West Coast of the US, which, it seems, is the place where most of the truly edgy ideas get revealed and manifested. There is even a Dolphin Reiki Meditation on the Dolphin Energies web site, and it’s a simple meditation anyone can do. Here are some highlights:

Breathing in dolphin love to body, mind and soul.. Envision yourself by a body of water...A glowing sun shines down on the calm water. In the distance you see dolphins. You hear their sounds...They call to you.

Slowly you enter the water allowing yourself to be submerged in the energies...Ahead of you the dolphins wait...they have been waiting for you along time…hearing your call, and welcome you. Beckoning you onward...You swim forward until you are close to them...They greet and smile, and watch you warmly come to them...surrounding you in love and everlasting peace...Somewhere in your soul there is recognition of their peace and connectedness, sounds, energies, thoughts. They have come to take you on a spiritual journey through the gateways of the physical world to the higher realms...Swim with them…

So I was doing the meditation, and just as I found myself swimming in peace and joy and light, surrounded by smiling cetaceans, and well on my way to my own imagined paradise, I was rudely jolted back to the third dimension by the sound of the phone ringing. I picked it up, and there on the other end, by spooky coincidence, was a well-known dolphin expert. He was returning a call I’d placed earlier, when I first began researching this piece. Intuitively I knew that any spiritual, feel-good notions I’d had about dolphins were about to be shattered.

The expert in question was Dr. Dell Finnadee, Ph.D., a Marine Mammal Biologist at Southern California University of Sciolism. The controversial Dr.  Finnadee claims to have decoded the language of dolphins and whales and to have come closer than any human ever has to getting inside the cetacean mind.

"All of my research on dolphins," Dr.  Finnadee told me, "reveals that they don't actually like humans very much. As a matter of fact, they hate us. Further, my research teams have uncovered clear evidence that dolphins’ smiles are phony.

"Put yourself in the dolphins' place and you can understand what I'm talking about. You've probably experienced the ordeal of unexpected, uninvited guests showing up at your door. You put a big phony smile on your face, don't you? Well, that's just what dolphins are doing when we show up uninvited at their ‘homes.’ They really do wish we would just stay the heck out of their waters."

Why, then, hasn’t this information been made available through all the research by the late Dr. John Lilly, or even by the Dolphin Hyper-Resonance movement? "Look, everybody knows Dr. Lilly was floating in isolation tanks and taking some really good drugs when he did that dolphin research," said Dr.  Finnadee. "’Nuff said, all right? And as for Dolphin Hyper-Resonance; well, let’s see...that all started with a piece of machinery rigged up by some basement hobbyist named Bob in Colorado. Oh, I suppose it’s possible his Molecular Emission Scammer is picking up something besides a bunch of suckers willing to part with big bucks in order to tune into ‘universal love’...but between you and me, I think Bob has spent just a little too much time in his basement."

Dr.  Finnadee paused and then continued, "Many dolphins have communicated to me that they particularly hate those organized ‘dolphin swims’ – you know, when a bunch of earnest, affluent, environmentally correct humans get together and decide they want to swim with the dolphins. Naturally, the dolphins are too polite to protest. But the stress of forced politeness does eventually take a toll, and hundreds of dolphins end up taking their own lives in tuna fishermen's nets – an option that is increasingly being denied to them, by the way."

There's more bad news, according to Dr.  Finnadee. "Whales, for the most part, don't like us any better than dolphins do," he said. "Incidentally, my researchers have finally solved the mystery of why whales beach themselves. Virtually every beached whale we've talked to is actually trying to commit suicide, and the whales are very irate over the fact that whenever one of them tries to end his or her life with dignity, the act is interrupted by hordes of California compassion fascists who swarm to the beach intent on ‘rescue.’ A right whale communicated to me recently, ‘Where's that Dr. Kevorkian fellow when we need him?’"

The tragedy of cetacean existence, Dr.  Finnadee explained, is that whales and dolphins are intelligent enough to know they are miserable and to know whose fault it is, but inadequately equipped to do anything about it. And all of their efforts to escape their misery are stymied by humans. "In the end," said Dr.  Finnadee, "the only certainty is this: If dolphins and whales ever figure out how to get out of the ocean, and if they ever develop limbs and opposable thumbs and advanced weaponry...we humans had better watch the hell out."

So who are we to believe – the Reiki dudes or Dr.  Finnadee? Do those "minds in the waters" love us or loathe us? I’m sure there will be even more illuminating and contradictory research in the years to come. Meanwhile, just to be on the safe side, I’d stay out of the oceans if I were you. If the dolphins don’t get you, the Great Whites will. It might be best to stay away from rivers as well; I hear that otters are getting pretty aggressive these days too. We might as well face it: nature is out to get us.

Once again, and with apologies to those who have read the work in question, I have borrowed from Cosmic Relief. Although the first part of this post was from a real email I recently received, Dr. Dell Finnadee and his misanthropic cetaceans are my own invention. But I am pretty sure that my stuff is closer to the actual truth than the la-la stuff.