The week's almost over...time to snark again!

Yes, I know it's been a while since I've blogged. After a long and food-filled Thanksgiving weekend that culminated when Ron and I and a couple of dear friends partook of the King's Feast at the Texas Renaissance Festival on Sunday (thank you again, Michael), we spent Monday catching up on work. On Monday night just after sunset, Ron and I went outside to gaze at the southwestern sky. There we beheld a rare astronomical event: a triple conjunction in which the crescent moon, Venus and Jupiter cozied up to each other, looking for all the world like some whacked-out dyslexic emoticon (either a frowny or a smiley face depending upon your perspective, but cockeyed nonetheless). It was really pretty cool. Actually it was cold – too cold for us to stay out long enough to take good pictures. But we did have clear skies and a wonderful view of the event.

In truth, though, triple conjunctions aren't all that rare. Why, here comes another one right now: And/Or/But.

Sorry. I've been dying for days to foist that joke on someone. Lucky you! Anyway, Ron and I spent the next few days putting finishing touches on manuscript edits and getting into the design work for a project, and in between, of course, I've been Tweeting on Twitter. But I decided it's time to take another snark break. So here are a few snippets...

Ah, but I may as well try and catch the wind...
A few days ago I read an article about the fact that the 2008 Atlantic hurricane season, which ended November 30, produced a record number of consecutive storms that struck the US. Further, it ranks as one of the more active seasons in the nearly six and a half decades since comprehensive records began. Many of us are all too aware that Hurricane Ike – the storm that some of the wind whisperers were bragging they successfully "reduced" to a Cat 1 storm – was a Cat-2 when it made landfall in Texas but actually produced Cat-4 level surges, destroying much of Galveston and chunks of Houston and other surrounding areas. All in all, it was such a crazy season that forecasters are considering modifying the way they categorize hurricanes.

So let me just say, "Hey, great work, wind whisperers. You have truly made a difference."

Speaking of Hurricane Ike, the other day I came across a September blog entry by a person named Wendy Gail Young, who does something called Prosperity Posturing...er, I mean, Prosperity Postures. On September 12, the day before Ike hit Texas, she wrote:

I have been consistently saying that my power is staying on during and after the storm. What you focus on [you] create, right? Well so far so good...During this short blog post there have been 3 power surges. The last one turned all the lights off too and then they came back on. I have been holding a strong intention to have my power stay on.

I wrote a comment on her blog, asking her if her power did in fact stay on throughout and after Ike, but she has yet to answer.

A foolish [in]consistency?
Joe "Mr. Fire" Vitale has said that his latest book, Expect Miracles, will probably be his last book. He seems to be getting a lot of mileage out of this, having mentioned it several times on his blog and on Twitter. And on November 18, according to a correspondent who is on his email list, he sent this explanation out:

People are writing to me, asking what I meant when I said 'Expect Miracles' is my final book.

Well, I mean just that.

I have no more books in the works, no contracts for any, and no desire to write any more.

It's time to stop and let you catch up with all my titles. (I've written over thirty books.)

I'll still write my blog posts, and record new audio programs (my third comes out February, 2009), and do whatever else I get inspired to do, from speaking gigs to Rolls-Royce Master-Minds.

But for now, 'Expect Miracles' is it.

Yet here are two of his recent Tweets on Twitter, written a couple of days before that email blitz was sent out:

"Writing a book proposal - this one would save the world, heal all money problems, and cause lasting peace. But I might be dreaming big." 9:37 AM Nov 16th from web

"Going to work-out, finish up new book proposal, and run errands." 7:48 AM Nov 17th from web.

Either someone hacked his Twitter account and wrote those Tweets...or Joe is living in two parallel worlds in which he is both actively planning to write another book that will save the world, and not planning to ever write another book again...or he just really needs to learn how to keep his stories straight. Or maybe he simply has mood swings like I do.

Sometimes the inconsistencies are more subtle. F'rinstance, another correspondent told me that Joe recently sent an email out to his list, promoting his Awakening Course and his Miracles Coaching program. The hook in the email was something Joe calls "Transformational Vocabulary," which he says is one of many things he teaches in the Awakening Course. Transformational Vocabulary is basically New-Wage doublespeak to help you put a positive spin on negative situations. "These subtle changes can make all the difference in how you handle issues as they arise," Joe wrote. Here are just a few examples [with my comments in brackets]...

• Refer to problems as "opportunities." [Now, there's a new one. Or maybe it was new way back in the late 1970s when corporate America latched on to it and tattooed it on the forehead of every smirking young exec they could get their hands on.]
• Instead of saying, "I have to," say, "I get to." ["Next week I get to have a root canal, lay off five of my top employees, have my dog put to sleep, and hand over most of my life savings to my auto mechanic." Yeah, try saying that without sounding sarcastic.]
• A setback is really a "challenge." ["Challenge," as anyone who has hung around a Unity Church courtyard for any length of time knows, is the all-time favorite New-Wage euphemism for everything from a harrowing divorce to a near-fatal car accident to a terminal illness.]
• Tormentors are really "teachers." [See, Joebots, I do perform a worthy service on this blog. The teacher will appear whether the student is ready or not.]
• Instead of saying "I demand" - say, "I would appreciate."

"Hold on right there!" I said out loud, to no one in particular, when I read that one. "What about that Psychic Demand program that Joe and his buddy Pat are selling? You know, the one where you say to the Universe, 'I DEMAND [however much money you want to fall from the sky]'? Joe swears this works and says the program is one of his best-sellers. But isn't that 'I demand' stuff inconsistent with the Transformational Vocabulary strategy of replacing 'I demand' with 'I would appreciate?'"

But then I thought about it some more and realized that these are two completely different situations after all. The Transformational Vocabulary was created for dealing with people – and with people, let's face it, you often have to resort to subterfuge to get your way. You even have to b.s. yourself at times to convince yourself that you are deliriously happy, or at least not a hopeless loser. The more you muddy-up your language, the better chance you have of persuading reluctant people to do what you want them to do, even if it's not in their best interests, and the more successful you may be at convincing yourself that you're not a royal screw-up.

With the Universe, on the other hand, you have to get tough and real. There's no b.s.'ing with the Universe because it knows what you want. But it's kind of stubborn, or maybe it's just hopelessly distracted by hearing billions of people begging for stuff all the time, and it won't give you what you want unless you get in its face and demand it. (Yes, I know we've been over this before, but sometimes a refresher course is in order.) If you don't demand what you want, the Universe will more than likely continue to heap crap upon you. And the only way to stop this process is to buy products from New-Wage hustlers.

At the very least, all of this talk of Transformational Vocabulary can serve as a reminder of something some of us have known for many years: With New-Wagers, as with bureaucrats, you really do have to read (or listen) between the lines. You just can't expect clear and precise language from that lot.

Wanking...er...walking with the wise
A new book came to my attention a few days ago. I forget how. Anyway, it's called Walking With The Wise For Overcoming Obstacles, and it features inspiring stories from all sorts of New-Wage gurus who...well...overcame obstacles. The book features the expected line-up of luminaries, most of whom became famous and wealthy by putting in years and years and years of work and effort. But let's face it: work is such a drag. And who wants to wait years or decades to get rich and happy? Fortunately there's an alternative for those who want the world and want it now. Here's what it says on the new book's promo page:

Which Way Do You Want To Learn?
Experience or Education?

They say that there's 2 methods to learn from... Experience or education. The problem with experience is that it takes too long to get and the price is too high... That's not to mention that the obstacle might eat you up...Plus, without the insight of a capable teacher or mentor to assist you, you might miss the lesson altogether, and not be any better off for the wear.

No, you won't develop any supernatural powers that will allow you to "sidestep" Natural Law in this book - you will still experience storms in life. Sometimes devastating storms. But, led from the experience and insight of the 50 speakers, authors, experts, ordinary people, and millionaires who have contributed to Overcoming Obstacles you can discover how to harness Natural Law, assert your inner Eagle, that soul spirit within you, and overcome any obstacle on the road to glorious success as you define it.

Well, at least the publisher is somewhat honest about the fact that there are no magical panaceas in the book. But I'm concerned about this "Inner Eagle" thing. Does that mean that if you buy the book and take its lessons to heart you'll become like Don Henley or Glenn Frey? If so, is that necessarily a good thing? Or was the WWTW copywriter talking about that darned bird again? Sigh...haven't we been over this issue already? Why on Earth do so many people still want to emulate eagles, when eagles are fierce predators that put out large amounts of really gross poop and, despite their preference for fresh prey, have also been known to gobble carrion the way vultures do?

Iffy metaphors aside, you can't argue with the fantastic New-Wage celebrity lineup in WWTW for Overcoming Obstacles. The featured face is that elder statesman of the New Wage, noted quantum physics expert Bob Proctor. Not only did he graciously agree to pen something for the book, but he took the time from his busy schedule to write a stunningly brilliant testimonial as well:

When a person picks up something to read, generally the first thought that comes to their mind is; 'I hope this is a good book.' Linda Forsythe has made sure this is a good book.

In Walking With the Wise for Overcoming Obstacles, Linda has brought together a number of wise mentors with heartwarming stores [sic] you will want to refer back to a number of times. It's stories likes [sic] these that provide the motivation and inspiration required for us to meet and overcome every challenge.

You will especially appreciate the inspiriation [sic] from a number of mentors that you personally recognize and the true stories from people you may never have heard of.

All achieved the impossible. All share how they have overcome enormous challenges and show you how to do the same!

Bob Proctor
Best Selling Author, You Were Born Rich
and philospher [sic] in the movie The Secret.

And there's plenty more where that came from. Walking With The Wise seems to be just one huge heaping eagle-created pile of "inspiriation!"

Walking With The Wise For Overcoming Obstacles is actually part of a series of books compiled by Linda Forsythe (the publisher of Mentors Magazine) and published under her imprint, Mentors Publications. Everything about the books, from the elegant and understated cover designs to the stellar lineup of the planet's brightest minds, screams "quality." Or screams something, anyway.

The first book in the series, simply titled, Walking With The Wise, has earned an impressive five-star average from reviewers on Amazon. So far three people have weighed in: two are coincidentally named "A Customer" and one is named "linda17365." If you follow the link to the page where all of "Linda17365's" reviews appear – all two of them – you'll see another review in which she reveals that she is none other than Linda Forsythe, the publisher of the Walking With The Wise series. She doesn't admit this in the review of the Walking With The Wise book, but it's right there in black and white in her comment on another book by one of her authors, Susan Gilbert (more on her in a moment). But at least she comes out and reveals her identity instead of pretending to be someone else. I'll give her points for that.

Linda reveals even more about herself on her Amazon profile:

I am a 32 year old divorsed [sic] white single mom trying to find information on how to make my life better. I'm also trying to start my own business.

All righty, then! I guess she succeeded with that business thing if she got all those hustledorks on board. I sincerely hope she was able to hire some good editors too.

I did see something that concerned me. Apparently Linda aged quite a bit between the time she wrote her Amazon profile, where she is 32 years old, and the time she created her MySpace page. On her MySpace page she reveals that she is 101 years old. Publishing can do that to you. It's a tough biz.

With age has come wisdom, however. In a recent blog post entry Linda revealed the truth about why things are so bad now for Light Workers. Apparently that post hit a nerve with several people, including a 97-year-old born-again Christian entrepreneur who lives in the Kingdom of God, California, and a hot 97-year-old tranny (or drag queen, or desperate woman). In truth it's difficult to tell just who or what "Divaz Hot Chocolate Blonde" is; the one thing that's clear is that s/he is the "Diva Wit A Million Dolla Swagga". Still swagga-ing at 97...now, that's pretty incredible. It appears that there's lots of senior action on MySpace. Who knew?

But I digress. It looks as if Linda has a pretty good scheme going with her Walking With The Wise series. The books seem to be "Who's Who"-type anthologies that you have to pay to get into, at least if you're not a big "name." That was my impression, anyway, when reading this one-star review on Amazon, which was written in July of 2006 about Walking With The Wise For Health & Vitality:

As Seen on Judge Judy, July 25, 2006

Turns out many no-names paid $5k apiece to have their articles appear alongside Deepak Chopra's, Wayne Dyer's, etc. "Mentor" Susan Gilbert was ordered to repay Dr. Howard Richmond $2500 for the many telephone coaching sessions she conducted in which she facilitated his participation. He also got a $5k judgment against the publishing company, Mentors Publishing House and Linda Forsythe (Her name was bleeped out - I read his lips.) Writers & readers beware!

There's more about that Judge Judy episode on this discussion on a writers' forum. And you might be interested to know that Susan Gilbert, a self-described "serial entrepreneur" who also happens to be the Mentors author for whom Linda wrote a five-star review on Amazon, turned lemons into lemonade and wrote her Judge Judy story in the Overcoming Obstacles volume. Truly inspiring.

Let's get motivated!
And speaking of inspiration, my friend Tony, who actually publishes quality books, recently sent me this very inspiring link. Trust me, it's well worth following. Unless you are easily offended.

So...do you feel motivated, Dear Ones? Good! Now go out and Dare Something Blogworthy. Or at least Tweet-worthy. See you again soon!

Which way the wind blows...

I’m not normally the sort of person who reads The American Spectator. I’m more the sort of person who gets a chuckle out of pieces such as Bill Maher’s paean to liberal elitism on Salon.com yesterday. But I'm also a faithful reader of Steve Salerno's SHAMblog, and I enjoyed Steve's book SHAM: How The Self-Help Movement Made America Helpless. His commentary on The Secret, published on The American Spectator’s web site April 12, is worth reading for many reasons, including what surely rates as the Secret metaphor of the week (if not the year). Great job, Steve.

Even after reading Bill Maher's and Steve Salerno's respective laments on the state of the culture, however, I have to believe there is hope after all. And some of it, I am pleased to say, is coming from my neck of the woods. No, I’m not just talking about this blog, as much of a bright shining light as it may be. Although the "Cosmic" part of my moniker is ironic, truly cosmic things are afoot in this place I call home, almost making up for the fact that this is the same part of the planet that spawned John Gray, John Demartini, and Marianne Williamson (not to mention Dubya, sort of). Billionaire businessman and philanthropist George Mitchell hosted an elite gathering of cosmologists, including Stephen Hawking, at his ranch this week to debate some of the most important questions of the Universe. One topic they almost certainly did not discuss: Is the Law Of Attraction backed by quantum physics?

Mitchell became fascinated with cosmology about ten years ago, and has so far spent more than $60 million to make Texas a center for research in fundamental physics and astronomy. You can read the whole story here.

Call me overly optimistic, but this sort of gives me hope that the cultural wind sock will eventually start blowing in another direction.

Magic is afoot

No doubt you’ve been reading some pretty strange things in the news lately from the world of science. I thought it would be a good idea to present a few of the stories behind the stories. Thank Goddess you have this blog to help you get to The Truth.

If you dream it, you will sea it
Spiritual and financial advisor Chellie Campbell, founder of the Dolphin Club, continues to claim that there are only three kinds of fish in the sea: Dolphins, Sharks, and Tuna. How is it, then, that scientists are discovering more species of marine life every day, especially in the deep seas? The latest sea census has allegedly uncovered a diverse range of critters – and not just strange "new" species of fish, but other extraordinary creatures such as hot-tubbing shrimp, giant lobsters, furry crabs, hairy clams, sea unicorns, and pygmy mermaids.

"We can’t find anyplace where we can’t find anything new," says Ron O’Dor, a senior scientist with the census.

How can this be? Dr. Dupert Mandrake, noted causality researcher and Miracles Coach, says it is just more proof that we create our own reality. "The scientists are creating these new species themselves, simply by desiring to discover them," says Dr. Mandrake. "These strange animals are the scientists' thought-forms come to life. As we learned in the hit science documentaries What The Bleep Do We Know? and The Secret, we not only create our reality, but we can manifest anything just by thinking about it."

Dr. Mandrake explains that every scientist wants to be the first to discover a new species or star or planet or medical breakthrough. They all want to have something named after them. If their desire is powerful and focused enough, the new species or star or whatever will actually be manifested. That's what's been happening undersea. "The marine biologists are working on particularly fertile ground, or, more accurately, in fertile waters, because the Ocean is the Mother of all life," Dr. Mandrake says. He himself has just spent a week creating several new species of sea sprites and coral fairies, merely by imagining them.

When asked about Chellie Campbell’s claim that there are only three kinds of fish in the sea – or, for that matter, her continued insistence that dolphins are fish – he says, "That is absolutely true, in Chellie’s reality. This reality works for her and for members of her Dolphin Club, just as the sea-census takers’ reality works for them and for those who choose to believe their stories about furry crabs and such. I don’t think we should be judgmental."

The tracks of his tears
For a few years now, astronomers and other science geeks have been going on and on about the possibility of water on Mars. They keep finding "new" evidence that there may have been water on the surface or below the surface of the Red Planet.

"Well, of course there’s water on Mars," says intuitive cosmologist Dr. Randa Maxx. She even knows the reason; her research has uncovered evidence that the Face On Mars is weeping because of the terrible things humans are doing to the Earth and to each other. "It’s the very same reason that Mary, Mother of God, has been making Her statues weep, and causing statues of Her son to bleed," explains Dr. Maxx. "The dramatic increase in statue miracles on this planet is but a pale reflection of the miracles occurring elsewhere in the solar system and galaxy."

Some scientists have pooh-poohed the notion of the Face On Mars, pointing to "clearer" more recent photographs of the area that most seekers of truth know to be The Face. Dr. Maxx scoffs at these. "Everybody who’s bothered to do any research at all knows those photos were faked," she says "The truth is that there is a Face, and it is weeping, and now its nose is running too. In addition, the entire planet is sweating because it is worried about the events that are now transpiring. This explains the reasons for the water appearing in other spots besides the Face. There is still time for the Lightworkers to turn things around, but Mars isn't very optimistic. And I believe the Red Planet's weeping and sweating will continue until the next major galactic shift is complete and we all become omnidimensional beings."

Dust to dust
Comet dust is making a big splash in the headlines now. According to some scientists, the dust of comets is revealing intriguing new possibilities about the origins of our Solar System and the birth of life on Earth. This comet dust was supposedly scattered around the Solar System eons ago, and it created life wherever it landed.

Since the dust is so powerful, it is, of course, going to be harvested and marketed here on Earth, to aid those who can afford it in their manifestation efforts. However, at an expected $250,000.00 USD per ounce, it will be beyond the budget of the average manifester.

What scientists are not telling you, because, obviously, they don’t want you to know, is that an even more powerful dust is widely available now for only $9.99 USD. A woman on Maui who goes by the name Miss Bootzie sells gold dust blessed by Lakshmi, the goddess of wealth and good fortune. Sprinkle some of this dust in your pocket, wallet, or purse, and watch your money grow!

From the far reaches of the galaxy to the swirling depths of Mother Ocean, it’s a wonderful Universe we live in. It is, in fact, a much more wondrous place than stuffy old science generally makes it out to be. Thank goodness, then, that we have cutting-edge researchers and reporters to help us find the greater truth behind the mundane hash that science is always slinging our way.

The title of today’s post was inspired by my fave songwriter Leonard Cohen and his famous "God Is Alive, Magic Is Afoot" poem (originally appearing in his novel, Beautiful Losers).

I made up Dupert Mandrake and Randa Maxx and their quotations. But Chellie Campbell and that woman on Maui who sells the gold dust are real.

Adios, Pluto

Update: Well, as you probably know, despite all of the whining and dining and arguing in Paris last week, Pluto has lost out. Not only has it been demoted from the planetary status enjoyed by the eight "classical" planets, but its longtime companion Charon, a planetary hopeful, retains its own lowly rank as just another moon. Under the new definition of "planet" that the space geeks hammered out in Prague this week, a planet has to "clear the neighborhood" around its orbit. Pluto, alas, is automatically disqualified because its oblong orbit overlaps with Neptune’s. So it is now considered a "dwarf planet," along with Xena (geek name 2003 UB313) and the asteroid Ceres, which was a planet in the 1800s before it got demoted. I’m thinking maybe Ceres and Pluto ought to file a class-action suit against the folks who made this decision. I’m sure they can get Xena and Charon to join in, just on principle. I bet an enterprising attorney would take it on, since this has the potential to be big-bucks litigation. Damages alone would be astronomical.

Lawsuit or not, I really do wish these people would make up their minds. Now that Pluto is no longer considered a planet, the astrology world is truly going to be shaken. That is, the classic Western astrology world is gonna be all shook up. However, there’s still Vedic astrology, and my offer still stands for the Vedic astrology upgrade mentioned in my August 18 post. But you must act now.

They didn't planet; it just happened

Scientists are really beginning to get on my nerves. They’re always coming up with new "discoveries" and ideas that jack with my already tenuous notions of an orderly world and Universe. For example, there was that time in the 1990s when a few Danish biology geeks who couldn’t let well enough alone discovered a whole new phylum of animal that lounges about on lobster lips. Not a new species, mind you. A whole new phylum. That’s almost as significant as an entire new addiction or disorder, or a new drug to treat that addiction or disorder. The discovery rocked the entire science world. It sure rocked my world, but in a vaguely disturbing way.

Eventually I got over it. After all, when you’re talking about things that live on lobster lips, at least you’re talking about microscopic life forms. They don’t affect me. Okay, technically they do, since we’re all interconnected on this fragile web of life and all that – but the truth is, these new critters are very little, so I can mostly ignore them. Let the lobsters worry about them.

But when you start messing with the planets, all of which of course revolve around me, you’re heading for real trouble. And messing with my planets is exactly what an influential panel of astronomers, historians and random writers did in Paris earlier this week.

They gathered in Paris to duke it out over which whirling rocks in our neck of the Universe are and aren’t planets. Don’t yawn. This is a pretty serious issue, and these folks have been laboring for more than two years to define the word "planet." Finally, desperate to reach a consensus in order to present a proposal at a meeting of the International Astronomical Union in Prague, they gathered in the City of Light. They argued, whined, wined, dined, fought, worried and lost sleep mulling over the scientific as well as the historical and cultural issues involved in planet-defining. Their real concern was that they wouldn’t reach a consensus.

But – mon Dieu! – unity prevailed. "By the end of a long day, the miracle had happened," wrote Harvard University Astronomer Owen Gingerich, and I assume he was speaking figuratively about the miracle bit. The panel was able to agree on a proposed definition of a planet. A planet, they decided, is an object that orbits a star but isn’t a star itself. It may look like a star and walk like a star, but it ain’t a star. In addition, the object must be large enough that its own gravity pulls it into a nearly spherical shape. Under these new criteria, Dr. Phil almost certainly qualifies as a planet, but I don’t believe his name was mentioned in the panel’s proposal.

Pluto’s name was mentioned, however – the planet, that is, not Mickey’s dog. It seems that poor Pluto was on the verge of getting kicked out of planetdom just for taking so long to get around the sun. I'll grant that 200 Earth-years is a lot of time, and astronomers, like the rest of us, are impatient sorts. Fortunately, after much French wine had been consumed, the conferees decided that Pluto would be allowed to remain in the planet club. Not only that, it got to bring three new friends along – most notably (for Pluto, anyway), Charon, who’s now considered a "companion" to Pluto rather than a moon, but still cannot get the full legal status of a spouse. Also joining the ranks are Ceres, which made a huge asteroid out of itself and has been petitioning for planethood since it was discovered in 1801; and the newest discovery, 2003 UB313, more commonly known as "Xena," which was discovered in 2005.

Now, what bothers me the most about all of this proposed-new-planet stuff is that apparently a whole group of professionals was left out of the decision making process. I am of course speaking of astrologers. Near as I can tell, those arrogant scientists and academics didn’t even stop to think about the potentially devastating consequences their little "proposal" might have on the science of astrology.

In fact it was Xena’s recent discovery that really shook up the astrology-minded. So serious a matter was this that USA Today (or, rather USAWeekend.com) saw fit to cover it in the "Science" section. In a January piece by Rose Darby, we learn that…

...depending on what personality traits Xena rules, the additional planet could add a fiery or sedate element, for instance, to your forecast.

A big factor in determining a planet's disposition is what was happening in the world when it was discovered. "Uranus was found around the time of the American and French revolutions, and it symbolizes freedom and individuality," says Bill Meridian, Wall Street's resident astrologer, who uses the charts to predict stock and financial trends. Similarly, Pluto's discovery in 1930 coincided with the rise of fascism in Europe, and Pluto is associated with transformation, extreme power and corruption.

So Xena could represent a shifting interpretation of gender roles, [Michael Lutin, horoscope writer for Vanity Fair] says. "It could represent changes in human reproduction, such as what's going on in stem cell research and cloning."

A planet's name also plays into its qualities (think: Venus and Mars). The International Astronomical Union, based in Paris, will determine the title of the new discovery. It likely won't be Xena, although it's hard to imagine a more fitting name for a being that challenges gender roles.

And now that Charon and Ceres are on the verge of being let in as well, there's no telling what kind of chaos there’s going to be in the astrology industry.

Furthermore, there was also no word from the conferees in gay Paree on how commercial entities with the name "planet" in their title will be affected. But I imagine the effects will be far-reaching. Right here in Houston, for example, we have Planet Ford, Planet Fish, Planet Planet, and a host of other businesses that define themselves as planets. I’m sure it’s the same in your city as well. On TV and online, there are Animal Planet, Executive Planet, Planet Porn, etc., all of which may very well have to change their names or at least issue legal disclaimers.

But it’s the effect on astrology that is really keeping me up at night, and since I don’t drink I can’t even take comfort in French wine. Fortunately there is good news: the three new planets, as well as the dozens more that might be out there waiting to be discovered and decreed planets, won’t affect Vedic astrology, which is ever so much more sophisticated than the product we’re used to here in the West. Now, before you start hollering about yet another profession that is being outsourced to India, hear me out. The truth is, Vedic astrology has always been more accurate than the Western method, at least according to Vedic astrologers and the hustledorks who have embraced Vedic astrology, and their word is good enough for me.

Apparently the new planets are NBD because Vedic astrology has always ignored planets further away from the sun than Saturn. This means that Uranus, Neptune and Pluto aren't counted in traditional Vedic astrology. Naturally this shook me up when I first learned of it, since, as an Aquarius, I am supposed to be ruled by Uranus.* Talk about a serious identity crisis. But after a while I got used to the idea.

As it happens, though, one of the proposed new planets, Ceres, lies between Mars and Jupiter. However, the scuttlebutt is that Ceres is unlikely to be taken into consideration by most Vedic astrologers – except, of course, for those who believe that the new planets were destined to be discovered and therefore must be used. Or, as one astrologer explains, "If these new discoveries are included in the solar system, I will accommodate them."

In any case, it is clear to me that Vedic astrology is superior in many ways to all other astrology methods. That is why I am prepared to make you an amazing offer. Now, for a limited time only, you can upgrade from classic Western sun-sign astrology to Vedic astrology without affecting your personality traits or changing your birthday! All you need to do is send me many US dollars now, if not sooner. I urge you to take advantage of this offer while the taking is good. You’ll be showing those smug scientists that nothing they do, say or write can affect the greater purpose that astrology, at least of the Vedic variety, explains so much better than their reductionist little disciplines. And in the process, you will be buying many lobster dinners for yours truly.

I’ll save the lips for you.

* Notice I am not making any jokes based on the mispronunciation of "Uranus." IMO, Jerry Seinfeld would have been wise to exercise the same kind of discretion with "Doris."