Lunatics, lawn chairs, and sweet little lies

One of the weapons of choice in the arsenal of certain types of New-Wage/selfish-help/McSpirituality gurus is some version of the cause-and-effect fallacy, or to put it in more snooty and educated-sounding terms, cum hoc, ergo propter hoc. Basically it goes like this: "If A and B regularly occur together, then A is the cause of B." But the hucksters often take it a few deceptive steps further, either exaggerating, cherry-picking or outright lying about "the effects." Generally this is in the service of convincing people that the guru in question was the cause of the marvelous, miraculous effect that they are claiming occurred or is occurring. If they're really clever, they'll bring the followers in on the miracle too, like Whirled favorite Joe "Mr. Fire" Vitale did a few years ago when he led his followers in an effort to redirect Hurricane Rita -- which actually did quite a bit of damage, but never hit his area (which was never in any real danger anyway).

Still, his followers believed and praised him. Some were no doubt thrilled that he gave them credit for helping him "stop" Rita.

A few years later, Joe tried the same tack with Hurricane Ike. He selected and replaced "Rita" with "Ike," and basically sent out the same email to his followers. Ike did some devastating damage, including in my area. But Joe's neck of the woods, which once again was never in any real danger, remained unscathed, and while the Houston/Galveston metro area reeled from the devastation -- some people were out of power for weeks -- Joe, from his Hill Country hideaway, was tweeting away about sitting out by his pool on a sunny day, reading an Abraham Hicks book about attracting money.

Still, his followers believed and praised him.

Logic be damned: the gurus' fawning followers will continue to believe and heap praise upon their idols, which is why it comes as no surprise that serial scammer Kevin Trudeau's followers continue to believe and praise him as his proxy pours more stupid posts onto the official Kevin Trudeau Facebook fan page. In this April 21 post, which is mostly recycled crap about the paradise of diversity that is the MCC, Katie's proxy clearly implies that Katie is raisin' those jailhouse vibes, just by his very presence.

(My friend Julie Daniel wrote on a Facebook conversation: "[He writes that] you get what you expect. kt never expected 10 years." On more than one occasion, in fact, Katie cried and begged to the judge to puh-leeze set him free.)
 
I bet that if someone were to actually go and ask the wardens and other workers at the MCC, or even some of the prisoners, if things really have become more calm and balanced and harmonious in Katie's cell block over the past few months, we'd get a far different perspective.

But I suppose it doesn't matter. There are people who need to believe in Katie. There are those who seem to thrive on their gurus' sweet little lies.

Consider the now-famous miracle story, spread by our pal Mr. Fire, about the ward of criminally insane patients in Hawaii State Hospital back in the 1980s. Supposedly, "the world's most unusual therapist," Dr. Ihaleakala Hew Len, cured that entire ward without ever seeing a patient. And, the legend goes, he did it all by working on himself, sitting in his office using techniques from a modern, "proprietary" form of an "ancient" Hawaiian healing method called Ho'oponopono.

Joe first wrote about the miracle cure on a blog post around 2005. It spread around the Internet "like crabs on '60s hippies," as a certain Whirled blogger put it in Part 1 of her review of Zero Limits, the book that ultimately resulted from this amazing story of the miracle cures in the loony bin. (If you follow that link you'll be able to get to Part 2 as well.)

Since 2007, when Zero Limits was released, that "proprietary" form of Ho'opo has served both Vitale and Hew Len quite well, individually and together. Dr. Hew Len was doing his own thing with Ho'opo before that, but no doubt Joe's book gave him tons of new exposure.

I have heard credible buzz that in more recent times, the two had somewhat of a falling-out (no surprise, in light of Joe's ego), which is perhaps why Joe appears to sort of be throwing Hew Len under the bus in his sequel to Zero Limits, At Zero: The Final Secrets to "Zero Limits" -- The Quest for Miracles Through Ho'oponopono. (Final secrets? Huh.)


A friend who bought and read the book sent me some quotes from Chapter 17, which Joe titled, "Did It Really Happen? The Big Fat Lie." He begins:

People who've read Zero Limits often ask if the story was real. “Did Dr. Hew Len really heal the entire ward of mentally ill criminals? If so, why didn't I hear about it on the news? Where's the public record of it?”

Joe explains that he didn't believe the story either when he first heard it, but after talking to Dr. Hew Len on the phone, he did. Subsequent workshops he and Hew Len did further convinced Joe of the latter's authenticity. He says that while researching Zero Limits, he contacted social workers who were at the hospital when Hew Len was there, and they told him they "felt something" in his presence, but never claimed he was a messiah, and never attributed any healings directly to him. No one said the inmates were cured or the ward closed directly because of any of Dr. Hew Len's actions. Joe continues:

That doesn't surprise me. Life is so interconnected that my breath out affects your breath in, but you'd never consciously look at me and say, “Hey, thanks for breathing!”

The fact that the media never reported on the hospital doesn't surprise me, either. Years ago ABC News came to my home and interviewed me for an hour. We covered a lot of territory, including my books and people who have been transformed. Yet they didn't select the positive news for airing -- instead, they edited out the good stuff and broadcast a few seconds of me fumbling for an answer after they blindsided me with a question. [More on that below. ~CC]

Mainstream media aren't designed to tell you positive news. They need you to stay in fear so that you'll buy their advertisers' products. (I say this as I'm cleaning on it.) This is why they broadcast horrible, tragic, and unhappy news. When nothing bad happens locally, the news stations look for an unhappy story from another area, even other countries...

...But I don't want to dodge the question: Did Dr. Hew Len actually help heal 99 percent of the inmates in the mental hospital for the criminally insane? I believe so. But how can we be sure? Look at it this way: if I secretly pray for your well-being, and one day your sickness is gone, will you give me any credit? Probably not. How could you if you didn't know I had been praying for you?

...Now stop and consider: if someone silently cleans on something you want, and you get it, will you give him or her any credit? Of course not. How could you? You had no idea he or she was doing anything for you. He or she did it covertly and benevolently.

The same may be true for the story of Dr. Hew Len and the hospital. His clearing of himself sent out an attractor field that affected everyone else. They got better but can't give him any credit since they had no idea he was doing anything for them.

Mainstream news has no way to report on a story like this. They want to see visible cause and effect. If Dr. Hew Len dispensed horse pills and people got better, they might give him airtime. (Most likely they would find something wrong with the pills, though, and report on that.)

In short, believe in the story of Zero Limits, if for no other reason than it gives you power to create your own miracles. And if that still seems incomplete for you, clean on it.

Nice dodge, Joe. I mean, really. For someone who says he doesn't want to dodge, he does seem kind of dodgy, in every sense of the word. But the point is probably moot, because, as I've said so many times before, people who want to believe will believe, no matter what. Sweet little lies are better than bitter or even bland-tasting truths any day.

Here's another perspective, though. I recently heard from a real, legitimately credentialed psychiatrist who says he was actually at the Hawaii State Hospital when Hew Len was supposedly working his magic. Actually, Dr. George Gharda-Ward is recently retired, but I've seen and checked out his CV, which he sent me without my even asking for it, and he has authentic creds (he's also a J.D. but never practiced as a lawyer). Long ago and far away, Dr. G. was at Esalen for a while; this was back when the self-realization, touchy-feely movement was in its infancy. He spent the majority of his lengthy career in more buttoned-down settings than Esalen. (The things that this properly credentialed and qualified, board-certified psychiatrist (and that's a real board, not a made-up board) has to say about this Whirled's favorite psychopath and armchair diagnostician, Mocktor Lenny Coldwell, are truly amusing, but I'll save that for another blog post.)

Dr. G. became marginally involved in Trudeau's huge Ponzi-like Global Information Network (GIN) through someone close to him, but early on saw what a scam it was, and what a liar Trudeau was and is. Like so many others, he says that he met some really good people through his short-lived association, but he agrees that GIN was a scam and Katie a scammer. In the process of making these discoveries he stumbled upon my blog. His initial messages to me were about Katie and GIN, but in an early email he also wrote (and he has given me permission to quote him):

I worked at Hawaii State Hospital in 1987.  I did my psych residency at the University of Hawaii.  Guess what?  I worked on the forensic unit where all this Ho'oponopono was supposed to have happened...I worked there in 1987 as an attending psychiatrist.  I assure you there was no "magical" healing going on there. It is all a fairytale.  There is a letter from a social worker, identified as Omaka-O-Kala Hamaguch on page 180 of "Zero Limits." Sorry, don't believe a word of it...

Dr. Gharda-Ward was further inspired to write a book review about Zero Limits.

THIS BOOK IS TOTALLY FALSE, March 25, 2014 By G. Gharda Ward MD
This review is from: Zero Limits: The Secret Hawaiian System for Wealth, Health, Peace, and More (Paperback)
I am a Board-Certified Psychiatrist. In 1987 I worked at Hawaii State Hospital. ON THEIR FORENSIC UNIT, where Joe Vitale says these "miracles" took place. I can assure you this is completely phony and false. IT NEVER HAPPENED. There were no psychotic murderers and rapists that were "cured" by this Ho'oponopono. It is false and misleading. Many of the things in the book are completely untrue. There were no car washes (can you imagine letting murderers and rapists off the unit to go outside and wash cars?), patients did not walk around in shackles nor were they held for long periods in seclusion. This is a STATE HOSPITAL!! Can you imagine what would happen if the Honolulu Advertiser (the local paper) had gotten wind of these patients being allowed outside? What if one of them escaped?? The Doctor, the hospital administrator, heck, the Governor of the state would be in big trouble. Think about it!! The events described in the book simply did not happen.

PERIOD!!

Joe addresses these issues in Atzero by saying that if it didn't happen it doesn't matter. Sorry Joe, that baloney doesn't wash in the light of reality. Joe bases the ENTIRE BOOK and Atzero on the premise that it DID work. If it didn't happen as Hew Len said it did and as Joe "believes" then there is no validity to the book.

THIS WHOLE BOOK IS BASED ON A MYTH, NOT ON REALITY!!

Don't get me wrong. There is nothing wrong with the 4 magic sentences. There is nothing wrong with loving people or asking for forgiveness or trying to be as kind and thoughtful as one can be. And there is nothing wrong with myths.

But anyone who "believes" that repeating a mantra, no matter how well [meaning] it might be, can cure a whole ward full of psychotic criminals lives in Fantasyland.

The book should be labeled a fairytale, because that's what it is. It should sit on the same shelf as the books that say,
"When you wish upon a star......."

Well, you get my drift.

Dr. G. and I continued our correspondence over the next few weeks. I asked him:

During your time in Aloha Land were you even aware at all of Hew Len's presence in or around that ward? He said he never saw patients, but supposedly he was hanging around the place and attended the occasional staff meeting. He was a psychologist, of course, not a shrink.

His response:

There was no Hew Len in my consciousness.  One thing that might help you in your pursuit of what is or is not truth, is that NO practitioners, be they psychologists or psychiatrists or social workers or nurses, were outside the radar of the administrators.  They always knew what you were doing, how many hours you spent on the ward, etc. The most specious thing about Hew Len is that he sat in his office all day, never went on the ward (except to bake cookies and run a car wash)  and never saw patients.  THIS DOES NOT HAPPEN.  The activities of all the professional staff were continuously monitored. 

Hew Len admits he was "fired" (in so many words.) He was fired because he didn't do anything...
Just the fact that you still cling to some belief that this dude was hanging around Hawaii State Hospital and "may have", "maybe"' "even though it seems crazy" "cured" even ONE person with this hocus-pocus, just shows how much ALL of us want to BELIEVE!!
I want to believe.  It is just my damn mind getting in the way!!

To which I responded:

The only belief I cling to is that Hew Len might have physically been working in the vicinity -- not that he actually cured anyone. But thank you for the additional insights...I still like my satirical version of the story the best. :-)

Just in case you haven't read it yet and don't want to interrupt your flow right now, I'll tell you that in my satirical version, "Mahalo, Dr. Yew," a "therapist" named Dr. Ihavascama Fer Yew admits, among other things, that all he ever did at the Hawaii State Hospital was sit in his office reading naughty magazines and "working on himself."
Dr. G. responded to me:

I think your satirical version is closer to the truth than the truth.
He probably was reading Playboy.  I did when I worked there (LOL),
What else can you do.  Those people [the criminally insane] are, literally, incorrigible.
Which is why the whole FANTASY that anyone, or anything, can cure these people is completely insane.
And why people who cannot handle reality HAVE to believe they CAN be CURED with a prayer.
Otherwise, LIFE is too complicated.
I think your "satirical" version is 1000 times more likely then the Vitale version.

Mahalo, Dr. Gharda-Ward.

Dr. G. cited some other examples in Joe's writing that, in Dr. G.'s view, indicate Joe has, at best, a casual relationship with the truth and a penchant for exaggeration. He doesn't even really buy the bed-wetting story that Joe tells in his "spiritual autobiography," Adventures Within. (Wrote the doc: "He claims that his URINE burned THROUGH the mattress and then THROUGH PLASTIC.  Why not metal? Does he pee ACID? Did he watch ALIENS one two many times? [Could he be] making it all up???")

But I don't want to piss anyone off too much, so let's move away from that subject. In a recent email Dr. G. wrote to me:

One of the MOST vexing things about people like Fireball [Joe Vitale] and Katie is that they take some really good things and distort them to fit their pocketbook. Ho'oponopono is a wonderful concept. It is a meditation or mantra. Those are useful tools to guide us humans in our quest to live a more peaceful and harmonious life. I frequently find myself repeating the mantra: I'm sorry Please Forgive Me I Love You Thank You. It is a lovely mantra and the spirit of Hawaii (though overstated) has its place.What is truly disturbing is that psychopaths do a better job of spreading this message then us regular folks. I wonder why that is so?  

To which I responded:

Keep in mind that the "Thank you/I love you" etc. is part of a "proprietary" form of Ho'opo invented and taught to Hew Len by his late mentor, Morrnah, a woman for whom he apparently left his wife and family to go live with for many years. The traditional Ho'opo is a form of conflict resolution, from which Morrnah supposedly borrowed a few concepts and then made up her own stuff. No doubt Hew Len added to that, and Joe of course took it and ran with it.  

I even admit on my own blog (in my 2007 review of Zero Limits) that this modern Ho'opo can be used as a meditation and a way to inner peace (yes, I even use the four phrases sometimes to calm my whirling mind), but it's not a miracle cure for everything, the way Joe strongly implies it is.

Psychopaths do such a good job of spreading good messages for their own bad purposes for the obvious reason: because they are master manipulators and will use every tool at their disposal. Pander to people's deepest secret longings and/or fears, and you've got it made.

They do it for the same reason that a dog licks its private parts: because they can. Ron and I call it the DLB (Dog Licking Balls) syndrome. When all rational explanations fail, DLB explains a multitude of atrocities, from psychopaths to governments to those infamous neighborhood Nazis known as Homeowners Associations. "Because they can."

And yes, I confess that I do rather like that four-phrase mantra. Really. But I don't think it has any magical powers. I even liked parts of Zero Limits, as I wrote in my 2007 reviews. I thought that Joe sounded relatively honest in some parts, and to me the book read as if he had put more work into it than he had in many of his recent (at the time) books, and in several of those that were published after Zero Limits. 

By the way, Joe also used up a whole chapter in his new Ho'opo book to slam another ex-friend and business partner. Here is some perspective on that. For such an optimistic, positive-thinking kinda guy he seems to be quite the whiner.

* * * * *

Looking over the chapter from At Zero, I notice how Joe once again slams the mainstream media, even though they've been his friend as much as they've been his foe. (Remember how the media fawned over The Secret, back in its early days? Joe has had numerous mainstream media appearances since then, such as appearances on Fox and Friends (though he probably paid for that exposure).)

As I've mentioned here a few times before, Joe is always nattering on about how the media refuse to run positive stories, instead preferring to focus on the negative. But that is incorrect. From what I've seen, the media are all too willing to run "positive" and even woo stories stories on miracles and angels and so forth. They go for the ratings, and it seems that both horrendously negative and sappily positive stories get good ratings. Joe is clearly still steamed because of that ABC debacle a few years ago, which he mentioned in the above-cited chapter from At Zero.

He's miffed because ABC refused to portray him and his beloved selfish-help industry in a completely positive light. In fact they made him look a bit foolish. As many of you may recall, ABC's Dan Harris went on one of Joe's Rolls-Royce ridealongs a few years ago, and also interviewed him at length. Despite Joe's hopefulness and proactive kissing-up, Dan ended up not portraying Joe in the most flattering of lights.


Recently Dan got in another potshot on a Nightline segment. You need to watch the whole thing for context, but the lead-in to Joe starts at 7:29 and really begins in earnest at 7:50. Dan Harris' declaration that Joe Vitale "folds like a cheap lawn chair" in an interview will go down on my Whirled as one of the classic comments.


So now, in addition to his other fine credentials, such as the Buddha of the Internet and the Charles Atlas of the Internet, Mr. Fire can boast that he is the Cheap Lawn Chair of the Internet. Or maybe the Cheap Lawn Chair of ABC. The CLC of ABC... it almost sounds like a credential to add to his faux-hDs: Joe Vitale, PhD, MSCD, CLC.
 
But at least Joe isn't behind bars like his good friend Kevin Trudeau (whom Joe defended several times online while helping Katie push GIN). So I guess that's something. Besides, even if Dan Harris' amusing simile doesn't sit well (so to speak) with Joe, cheap lawn chairs have their place in the world too.

I write all of this knowing full well that in the end, no matter how much I jab at Joe, make sport of Mocktor Loony, or kick at Katie, the lure of those sweet little lies will continue to win more hearts and wallets than a snarky little hobby blog ever could.

But if you think that knowing this is going to stop me, you have seriously misunderestimated me.

* * * * *

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Jump thing to snark about

Just a few snippets for a busy Tuesday (or Wednesday, if you're in Another Part of the World)...

Cosmic Connie a Facebook Friend repellant?
I feel so bad, Dear Ones. My wonderful partner Ron, of RevRon's Rants, just lost a Friend on Facebook because of Yours Truly. He and his ex-Friend had known each other for years and years, and had previously exchanged friendly comments on Facebook, and all was well. But then the Friend attended the "final" (more on that in a moment) Zero Lemmings 3 event in Austin this past weekend to hear Joe "Mr. Fire" Vitale and Dr. Hew Len reveal new Ho'oponopono cleaning secrets. Today Ms. Friend wrote an update on her Facebook page providing a link to Joe's blog post about the event.

And Ron, ever the helpful one, responded by offering a link to another perspective on the Zero Limits stuff. This link, as you'll see if you follow it, just so happens to be a page displaying all of the posts on my blog in which "Zero Limits" is mentioned. Among those posts are my two-part review of Joe's book, Zero Limits (here's the link to Part 1), and a piece telling the amazing story of my own miraculous experience with ancient Hawai'ian healing secrets.

Less than a half hour later, Ron saw that he had been removed from the ZL attendee's "Friends" list on Facebook.

Needless to say, he is devastated. (No, not really. I am being sarcastic again.)

Ron's ex-Friend was apparently in good company over the weekend, or at least a lot of company. According to Joe, hundreds of folks attended this "final" ZL event (at a thousand bucks a head). I'm thinking it was probably more like just a couple hundred, but hey, "hundreds" is still technically correct, and it sounds much better than "a couple of hundred." And Goddess only knows how many "absentee" attendees paid a hundred bucks a pop for an aloha-yagya* – the privilege of having their name put on a piece of paper and "cleaned on" by Joe, Dr. Hew Len, and the attendees.

Anyway, apparently there have been some exciting developments and discoveries in the Ho'oponopono field. For example, did you know that of those four magic Ho'opo phrases – "Thank you," "I love you," "I'm sorry," and "Please forgive me" – only the first two are actually necessary for cleaning and clearing? That's good news for those of you who are in a time crunch, as well as those who are sick of apologizing to the Divine. You still have to grovel a bit, but at least you don't have to apologize. On his blog post recapping the ZL3 event, Joe wrote:

Dr. Hew Len himself could be heard saying just the two phrases “I love you” and “Thank you.” Say the others if you like, or not. Follow your inspiration.

I guess love really does mean never having to say you're sorry!

But the really exciting development to come from ZL3 is a new cleaning/clearing technique using the classic retro toy Etch A Sketch® as your tool. And you don't even have to have a real Etch A Sketch®; you just think about having one and shaking it down to nothing. That's the whole idea with Ho'oponopono; you shake yourself down to "zero," which is the state where nothing exists and everything is possible. As Joe wrote:

Consider: What would you be if the etch-a-sketch in your mind got shaken right now and you went to zero?

Just don't empty your mind so much that you can't go to expensive workshops, or shop for new miracle products (especially those that involve automatically charging your credit card every month), okay? Since Joe is now officially using Etch A Sketch® as his own personal cleaning tool ("Shake it and I'm clear," he enthuses), I wonder how long it will be before he starts selling a specially Ho'opo-blessed/infused/cleaned Etch A Sketch® for accelerated Ho'oponopono cleaning/clearing (possibly a pocket or business-card-sized card Etch A Sketch®), or at least a DVD utilizing Etch A Sketch® imagery to aid in cleaning/clearing. I imagine he would run into a few copyright problems unless he came to an agreement with the Ohio Art Company. He really ought to consider it, though, because the lemmings would just eat it up. (And he ought to consider that Bobblehead idea too.)**

Notwithstanding all the hype about ZL3 being the "final chapter" of the Joe-and-Dr.-Len Ho'oponopony show, I wouldn't count on that, judging from these recent Tweets:

Dr Hew Len and I are talking about a second volume to our book Zero Limits.1:09 PM Apr 17th

Final day of final Zero Limits and no one wants this to end or be last event. 6:20 AM Apr 19th

But here's the biggest hint of all that Joe and Dr. Len have more in store for the Zero Lemmings:

Dr Hew Len just said "If anyone would put God first they'd make a lot of money." Lovin it. 1:42 PM Apr 17th

"Lovin it"...hmmm. That sort of puts me in mind of McDonalds commercials, which I suppose is entirely appropriate for McSpirituality.

Amazingly, the Zero Limits love spilled over onto Joe's hummingbird feeder.

4 hummingbirds drank in peace from same bottle this morning. A first. They usually fight. Zero Limits 3 spilled over. They are loving now. 8:03 AM Apr 20th

Actually, hummingbirds always fight over feeders, and, judging from what I've observed, they generally stop fighting so much when they finally get a clue that there's enough nectar to go around, especially if you hang up more than one feeder. But hey, who am I to argue with miracles?

I feel just terrible, though, about Ron losing his Facebook Friend because of me. Maybe I should clean on it. But I'm not going to say, "I'm sorry."

And speaking of lemmings...
A friend of mine sent me this old article on The Secret, book version, written by a book store clerk. While The Secret is old news by now, some things are timeless. (And as a former book store clerk myself, I can assure you that this clerk's attitude towards "lemming books" and their buyers is...shall we say...not atypical.)

And speaking of jumping...
Well, we weren't really speaking of jumping, but all that lemming imagery kind of brought it to mind. (I suspect that some of you will want to point out that real lemmings really don't commit mass suicide, but that belief does have a basis in truth – enough of a basis to work as an overused metaphor, for sure!)

Anyhow, I was recently Googling around and came across a marvelous new technique called Quantum Jumping: The Inter-dimensional Quest For A Better You. Quantum Jumping was discovered by a guy named Burt Goldman, who calls himself The American Monk. For over three decades, Brother Burt has been forced to keep this secret, but he can keep it no longer.

So just what is Quantum Jumping? Friend, I'm glad you asked.

"Quantum Jumping," writes Burt, "is the process of 'jumping' into parallel dimensions, and gaining skills, knowledge, wisdom and inspiration from alternate versions of yourself."

Interested? Then jump right over here.

And now I'm jumping outta here, and back into work mode.

* Re aloha-yagya: That's not what it's really called; I coined the term. It seems appropriate.
** No, no, you don't have to thank me, Joe. Generous royalties will be sufficient.

Dreaming-Bear speaks of Burning Man, fails to mention Hanging Man

The desert must surely be among the cruelest of places in which to be abandoned, with the unrelenting sun beating down upon tender flesh, searing the heart, inflaming the very soul.

"What am I doing here?" the half-naked* man asked himself again and again, but the unforgiving sun did not reply, nor did it ease up on its relentless assault. Merciful night, with its cold reflected light and its billion burning stars, was still many hours away.

Oh, the anguish. Oh, the (in)humanity!
"I, a boy from Maui, used to the rain forests…what am I doing in this desert, burning my butt off?" the man cried out.

I could have answered that question, had I been in that desert, which, thankfully, I was not. I would no doubt have pointed out to the "boy from Maui" that he had chosen to be at Burning Man, along with nearly fifty thousand other hedonistic, self-infatuated SNAGs** and SNAG-ettes, all engaged in various forms of "radical self-expression."

And while I was at it, I would have mentioned that Dreaming-Bear Kanaan, Whirled-class pseudo-mystic, ersatz American Indian, phony Poetry Man, and genuine poseur, is not technically from Maui, having lived all over the U.S. and in other parts of the world – according to his bio information, anyway. Maui, that enchanted island, is merely his current home base. But accuracy doesn’t matter when it comes to any tale told by Dreaming-Bear, who is so authentically, sincerely phony that he is perhaps best described as a New-Wage lounge lizard – a contemporary pseudo-spiritual version of Nick The Lounge Singer, Bill Murray’s character from a long-ago era on Saturday Night Live. The main difference between him and Nick is that D-B mostly talks (more melodiously than Nick sings; I will give him that), and usually wears a white towel or a loincloth, if that much, instead of a leisure suit. And whereas Nick played to smoke-filled rooms, the smoke most often present at a D-B performance is that which he blows up the apertures of his devoted audiences as he attempts to "kiss them into consciousness."

Still, Dreaming-Bear’s desert drama makes a pretty good made-up story. In any case, our tattooed lounge lizard survived that arid hell and slithered back to his regularly scheduled monologue "Teleseminar Communion" this past week, apparently even more in love with himself than ever. He might have burned his butt off in the desert, but he grew a brand-new tale in the process. And he gladly shared it all with listeners of his weekly "Communion," which is hosted on Wednesday evenings (9pm EST / 6pm PST/ 3pm HST) by a New-Wage clearinghouse/crap processor called Blue Diamond Pachamama.
Burning Man is an annual eight-day festival that takes place in a makeshift city in Nevada’s Black Rock Desert. The event is most famous for art and nudity, making it the sort of affair that you could no more keep Dreaming-Bear away from than I can keep my dachshund away from the Kitty McNuggets in the cat boxes.

Some call Burning Man a peaceful celebration of music and art and other forms of self-expression. Some call it a cult. Call it what you will, but it definitely does not seem like my idea of a good time, for the very reason that suffering, in one way or another, seems to be part of the experience. Yet that suffering is, for the most part, something deliberately chosen, a mortification of the flesh or spirit in order to reach some greater level of enlightenment, or at least the illusion thereof.

And so our hero Dreaming-Bear ventured into the desert to suffer, to be naked, and to inflict his art on others. After his week of anguish, he returned to his virtual throne on September 5, attended to by several doting female fans.

The September 5 program was the first D-B Teleseminar Communion that I have actually listened to in its entirety, and I did so for a very specific reason. I wanted to see if D-B had any words of wisdom or comfort to share about a tragic event that took place at this year’s festival. So I clicked the link, sat back, and listened. To spare you having to suffer through the program yourself, I will give you a rundown.

It begins with an intro from Blue Diamond Pachamama’s Linda Pannell, who describes D-B as "inspiration and passion personified." Linda is a faithful keeper of the D-B mythos, explaining that he is "of Cherokee and Palestinian descent; raised in both worlds."

Right off the bat Dreaming-Bear alludes to the torment he endured at Burning Man, describing it as "seven days of sheer, absolute desert-like conditions…I was challenged on every level." Yet, he reveals, it was through this egregious suffering that he rediscovered "the same amazing truth that has come to every soul from Moses to Michael Jackson." And you just know that he is prepared to elaborate upon that truth at great length.

But first, the poetry – the invocation, the call to worship. D-B proceeds to recite an original poem inspired by "my experience of absolute anguish on the desert floor, wondering why I had been abandoned." The name of the poem is, "There is no cure in this insane love game" – not to be confused with "Ain’t No Cure For Love," penned by real poet Leonard Cohen.

The poem over, he holds forth on the meaning of Burning Man, which he says is all about passion and rebirth. And he’s off and running with a mix of metaphors about flames and the desert and the Phoenix – and, of course, passion – whipping it all into a frothy foam. The verbal effluvium spills out over his adoring female listeners, who can be heard in the background purring, mewing, and occasionally giggling. D-B does not speak so much as he spews – the verbal equivalent of projectile vomiting. (He’s not the only one who knows how to overdo it with the metaphors, you know.) I must warn you, though, that if you follow the link to this Teleseminar, prolonged listening may result in projectile vomiting of your own.

D-B reveals many things about his favorite subject: himself. At one point he says he is not comfortable with being labeled an actor; he would rather be thought of as "an authentic being." He prefers to think of himself not as being "onstage" but rather as being "in a center of authenticity." He claims not to care about what others think of him, and suggests that we should all be similarly immune to the world’s judgment. "I’ve come to the place where I am no longer apologetic for who or what I am…We can never apologize for being beautiful… we can never kowtow to people who can’t appreciate beauty…" (Later in the program he humbly admits to being "the most imperfect person on the planet! I had to say that to myself over and over this last week!")

In short order he’s back to his metaphors of fire and flame, explaining that the purpose of his excess verbiage is to awaken the Divine in his listeners. "I am nudging, ever so gently, those fires… I am stoking those holy coals…" He speaks of reaching a point at which "passion takes on a quantum meaning." (You don’t think any New-Wage lounge lizard worth his pretentious indigenous bangles and beads would fail to mention the word "quantum" at least once, do you?)

Nearly half an hour into the teleconference, D-B apologizes to his hosts – well, in a manner of speaking – for his garrulousness. "After all, this is supposed to be a dialogue," he acknowledges. But, he explains, there’s a good reason for his monopoly of the show thus far: "Truth falls like honey from one’s lips when one has been kissing the Divine…" And then he’s off and running again, with nearly another half hour of projectile verbiage. His speech is rife with spiritually erotic references, such as, "Getting naked with God," and "soulgasm," references that never fail to evoke a female titter or two.

For all you single gals who might be wondering if D-B is attached, I am sorry to inform you that he is married, sort of. "I married my soul to Truth," he says, failing to mention that he is apparently a faithless husband who is cheating on Truth with Self-Love and Unmitigated Bulls--t. Or perhaps he and Truth have an open marriage, in which his soul makes love mainly to his own B.S. (while his body boinks as many of his female followers and students as he can get away with), and Truth slinks away to find solace in miserable dives like this blog.

More than forty minutes into the broadcast he says he is going to open up the show for the input of others. This time, though, he is not repentant for having spent so much time gabbing. "I don’t apologize for the time I’ve taken." After all, he says, a fire doesn’t apologize for the time it takes to burn; it just burns, and when it is burned out the smoke rises like a prayer.

More interminable minutes follow in which D-B spews many more words, finally wrapping up his monologue – sort of – by reciting another original poem called, "The Milky Way." It starts out being about the stars and the universe, but quickly morphs once more to images of the flesh: "suckling from the sweet breast of truth," and the like. His female listeners sigh and swoon as he recites his immortal words about "gentle sucking," and "milking, milking, milking"…and… well, you get the drift.

And then, finally, he "opens this sacred space" to others who might have something to say. Not that they haven’t been participating anyway, he hastens to assure them. One does not have to talk in order to participate, he says. The truth, he asserts, is that anyone hearing his voice has been participating on a spiritual level all along.

Host Linda pipes in, saying that people have criticized her quavering voice. D-B assures her that hers is the voice of God.

Then a participant named Shauna makes a forceful entry through D-B’s barrier of words, saying she has written to D-B (apparently he has not responded). She is, she explains, a lifelong free spirit whose family and friends criticize her free-spiritedness. D-B gamely tries to give her the validation that she seems to be so desperately seeking, but she has more talking to do. She speaks of how her family of Mormons and Jehovah's Witnesses didn't accept her freeform spirituality, and D-B responds that members of his own family were shocked when he abandoned Islam for whatever it is he embraces now. But when it comes to gabbing, Shauna gives D-B a run for his money; he has trouble getting a word in edgewise over her rambling self-analysis.

The show is running into overtime now, but Linda the host quaveringly begs D-B’s indulgence and reads a letter from another doting female fan who attended a recent D-B performance and began her spiritual journey that very night as a result.

At this story, the female listeners murmur their approval. You can just feel the love, and it is really kind of icky. Once again, as was the case with an interview last year between The Secret creator Rhonda Byrne and Anna Darrah of the Spiritual Cinema Circle, I am reminded of Molly Shannon and Ana Gasteyer on the old "Delicious Dish on NPR" skit on Saturday Night Live ("Good times....mmmm. Good times.").

And then – finally! – D-B utters his closing words, assuring his listeners that they are the Resurrection of the Christ, the Golden Buddha, Mother Theresa, Martin Luther King, and maybe even a bit of Osama Bin Laden. Which is to say that we are all a bit of the sublime and the evil. The show concludes – yes, this time for real – with Shauna still interjecting with her on-the-fly analyses of her problems.

Good times....mmmm. Good times.

I’ll tell you about someone who probably isn’t having "good times" right now – the family of the young man who apparently committed suicide at Burning Man. On Thursday, August 30, a 21-year-old Colorado man was found hanging in a two-story tent located in the festival’s Comfort & Joy Theme Camp. He evidently had been hanging there for about two hours before anyone in the large tent had the presence of mind to take him down. According to Mark Pirtle, special agent in charge for the Bureau of Land Management, "His friends thought he was doing an art piece."

This was the first known suicide in the festival’s 21-year history (if you don't count the slow suicide the festival itself seems to be committing), and for the most part, the party went on as usual. You could, of course, chalk the whole tragedy up to the impaired thinking characteristic of young stoners. But you could also look upon it as a metaphor for the dark side of New-Wage culture: self-centeredness imperfectly disguised as introspection, bad behavior masquerading as creativity or free-spiritedness, all combined with a fierce mandate to avoid negative judgments about anything or anyone. I’m thinking Crack Emcee at The Macho Response blog would agree with the New-Wage metaphor assessment.

As, I believe, would others, such as some of the folks participating in a discussion on Gawker. A person with the moniker "Sanfranlefty" wrote:

The Burning Man crowd is a bunch of trustafarian hipsters who don't work and yuppie dot-comers who design websites, who are thinking that spending a lot of money for the right to be someplace "money-free" in BFE Nevada where they have to barter sex for water bottles is some sort of big life-changing artistic statement.
What a bunch of tripped out losers to not realize they needed to cut the guy down for two hours. Poor guy…

And then there was this one, from "Truculent":

Talk about the ultimate self-criticism. And yes, Burning Man has no deeper meaning tha(n) getting naked, rolling in the mud with strangers, being wasted and dehydrated (which heightens the effect) and pooping into plastic bags. The downside is you are forced into intimate contact with loons, psychopaths, boors and other people who you would never, ever associate with in real life.

At any rate, I really should have known better than to think that Dreaming-Bear would devote any part of his weekly "Divine Dialogue" to such a bummer of an event as some young dude's suicide. After all, D-B barely survived his own agonizing stint at Burning Man.

So maybe I should just cut him some slack.

For the benefit of those foolhardy souls who have decided they want to listen to the actual program and hear Dreaming-Bear expounding upon the meaning of Burning Man – but don't feel up to digging for the link in the mound of prose up above – here it is again. But don't say I didn't warn you.

* Or, more than likely, fully-naked man – I don't know and I don't want to know.
** SNAG: Sensitive New Age Guy

* * * * *

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Happy Anniversary, Hawai’i!

Aloha, Dear Ones! I know that Hawai’ian Week on Whirled Musings has passed, but I just couldn’t let this day go by without acknowledging the 48th anniversary of the day that the Aloha Territory officially became the Aloha State. Although Hawai’i Statehood Day is traditionally observed on the third Thursday of August, which this year fell on August 17, the actual anniversary is August 21, 1959. (I realize that as this post goes to publication this day is almost over – and that, in fact, for those of you in the Other Hemisphere, it’s already August 22, so you’re past Hawai’ian Statehood Day, but work with me, okay?)

If you want a little bit of historical perspective about Hawai’i and don’t feel like reading James Michener’s novel Hawaii (or watching the movie), click here.

Or perhaps you’d rather skip the history but are nonetheless feeling in a Hawai’ian sort of mood. You could sit around and wait for Warner Brothers to finally release the old Hawaiian Eye episodes on DVD (1959 was the Year of Hawai’i in more ways than one). But who knows when WB will finally get around to releasing this gem? Not to worry; there are plenty of things you can do to celebrate the admission of the 50th state in the Union.

For example, why not mix one of those tropical fruity drinks and practice your Boto’o’popopopo cleaning? By the way, the wise Hawai’ian healer who taught this method to me, Dr. Ihavascama Fer Yew, recently told me to tell y’all that for the cleaning to really work, you need to clean out all of your bank accounts and investment accounts and send the proceeds to me. But if you don’t feel like doing that – in other words, if you’ve not quite reached that stage of advanced suckerdom spiritual evolution – that's okay. Sure, I'm a bit disappointed in you, but let me clean on it for a moment... You love me. You thank me. You're sorry. I forgive you.

There. I'm all better. So go ahead and pour yourself that fruity drink. Then click here for a pretty Hawai’ian tune, and go back and relive some of the festive Hawai’ian moments we’ve shared on Whirled Musings over the past several weeks.

And if you really want to get yourself into an Aloha State of mind, pop on over to the blog of one of Maui’s treasures, Dreaming-Bear Kanaan – a man much in love with himself, a libertine disguised as poet, mystic, SHAM-an and fake Native American. D-B seems to be an absolute magnet for impressionable and/or desperate women (and even a faintly disturbed man or two), judging from some of the responses to his blog entries. (While you’re visiting, be sure to take a look at the Google ads on the right-hand side of the blog pages.)

If you just can’t get enough Dreaming-Bear, he will be doing another of his weekly "Teleseminar Communions" on Wednesday, August 22, at 9pm EST / 6pm PST / 3pm Hawaii Standard Time. Never mind that we’re on Daylight Savings Time right now. Here’s a link to last week’s Telecommunion. (Be forewarned: it’s pretty SNAG-gy and sappy. And the host of the program is one of those…er…impressionable-sounding women.)

But if you really, really want to get in a Hawai’ian mood, sign up for the great Holistic Hawai’i Expo that’s coming September 8 & 9. Two of the featured speakers will be Hank Wesselman, Ph.D. and Jill Kuykendall, RPT, who are on a mission to "create transpersonal bridges to facilitate the emergence of a new subculture in the Western world." Wesselman wrote a book that I actually read a few years ago, Spiritwalker. It’s a book in the inspired-hallucinations genre, much like the works of Carlos Castaneda. I’m thinking maybe I need to develop an inspired hallucination. Some deeply wise indigenous person from the remote past or the far future needs to begin visiting me in my dreams. And then I need to discover that I am not in fact dreaming, but that the experiences are very real. The deeply wise one needs to reveal things to me that have never been revealed to another human, or have been revealed, but the other humans were too stupid or stubborn to listen. And then I need to write some books about my experiences and get them published by Hay House...

But back to the Holistic Hawai’i Expo, where Hank and Jill will be speaking about "The Soul Cluster and the Mystical Nature of the Self." Another couple, Doug Hackett and Trish Regan, will expound upon "Sacred Partnership & Planetary Acceleration." Doug and Trish run dolphin retreats in Hawai’i. (I guess the poor dolphins have to have some place to get away from all of those painfully affluent, conspicuously enlightened folks who are so obsessed with our ocean brethren.) Anyway, the Holistic Hawai’i Expo is only a few weeks away, so you’d better sign up now.

Meanwhile, make the most of these final hours of Statehood Day. Do something Aloha-ish. Dare something blogworthy. And don't forget to clean, clean, clean. My cats' litter boxes are still waiting...

PS ~ Hurricane Dean continues to weaken, due no doubt to the diligent efforts of Phoenix The Spirit Diva and her friends. Well, he told us he was just a big lovable hunk of wind.

Another snipe-and-run day

I can't believe it's been a whole friggin' week since I've blogged. This is going to be one of those snippet days, but I promise I’ll be back soon with something more substantial (or at least as substantial as things get on this blog).

YouBoob
I’ve probably been wasting way too much time watching online videos when I should be working, but I bet you have too, so I don’t feel so bad. People are always sending me links to must-see videos, and these often get me sidetracked in a search for related stuff, and before I know it, hours have passed.

F’instance, last week someone sent me a link to this video of a guy taking a bubble bath while getting all in a lather about some spiritual stuff. Bubble Guy is one Jonathan Orchard, a former rock star who now teaches yoga in Scotland's Findhorn Community, home of the fabled Findhorn Garden. (Even though I have a black thumb and zero interest in gardening, it was, oddly enough, the miraculous story of the Findhorn Garden that really got me interested in New-Age stuff many years ago. For years I searched for, and occasionally convinced myself that I saw, the nature devas in glints of sunlight and the shadows of trees. But keep in mind that I was drinking heavily in those days.)

Anyway, I forwarded the link to the bubble bath video to my pal Tony, and he said it sort of put him in mind of a scene from The Silence Of The Lambs. That prompted me to do a little Googling, and I came across a music video, several years old, that was inspired by the Lambs scene Tony mentioned. I am apparently one of the last people on the planet under the age of 80 who hadn’t discovered this video by the Chicago group The Greenskeepers, but better late than never.

But I digress. There really is a lot of spiritual and metaphysical stuff on YouTube. It's not all lonelygirl15 or Smosh episodes, movie trailers, music videos, and candid footage of spoiled little drunk gals. As it happens, many YouTubers are into powerfully intending and manifesting and things like that, thanks to The Secret, Abraham-Hicks, etc. So it was only a matter of time before someone came up with the idea of adding a new way to manifest your dreams: make a movie about them, and put it on YouTube! And I have to say it’s a pretty cool idea. Why limit yourself to vision boards – you know, cutting pictures out of magazines and making collages about your ideal life – when you can turn your wishes, hopes, and dreams into a little movie that you can inflict on an unsuspecting world?

"But, Cosmic Connie, I don’t know the first thing about making movies!" you might be protesting. Well, I have good news for you. There is a new product called Mind Movies that has everything you need to make your own movie. You hardly have to do a thing. Want a McMansion, a dream vacation, the obligatory sleek red sports car, or even a better-looking group of friends than your current crop of loser pals to envy all of your new stuff? As long as you have $27 USD, you've got it all! Well, at least you have a way to make a Mind Movie about it all. And what’s even better is that the Mind Movies company has an affiliate program, so you can become an annoying MLM person, much like the Aussie hustledork in the intro video on the Mind Movies home page. What a deal!

Condescension duly noted
The arguments about the Law Of Attraction rage on, with pro-LOA-ers pitted against "The Naysayers." On a recent discussion on Joe "Mr. Fire" Vitale’s blog, a guy named Carl, who apparently really, really likes Joe, weighed in with his thoughts. Carl had just bought Joe’s new book, Zero Limits, which I wrote about at length recently. He was only about halfway through the book but was pretty excited about it. Here's what he had to say, in part:

…everything began with the Source.
This is Quantum Ontology. Everything is connected because it all came from source. Therefore, it is Source. And the Source is conscious. Consciousness creates reality. We are conscious, because we are of source.
Everything that exists is actually conscious!
We can attract things or repel them, or the other way around… things can attract and repel us!
Gravity is a good example. The critics love to use this one…
Earth was created by or came from Source, we were created by Source to live on this planet. The earth attracts us to itself by the law of attraction because of mass. The other planets and the sun attract to each other in a harmonious balance.
All you have to do is study gravity, mass and weight; and the relationship between gravity, mass and distance. Note that the force never becomes zero no matter how far you travel...
Everything attracts…because it’s connected. It came from source and is connected to source. It all starts at Zero.
Gravity’s behavior is actually a proof that the Law of Attraction is real, but the critics can’t see past their learned ignorance.
De docta ignorantia…

And someone named Christina responded:

Carl I love your energy. Because we are all connected then, critics have much to teach us even if they are… "unconscious"…No doubt Joe would attract many critics for all different reasons too…. they know they are connected "unconsciously" but can’t quite "get it" so they do what they have been unconsciously programmed to do… To me Joe is like a gardener planting seeds ….
Hey what a wonderful garden!!!!!Can’t wait to see those flowers bloom….in their own time. Sadly some buds may not open. [eyeroll emoticon] But perhaps we can help a long the way - lets keep watering…[smile emoticon]

So, all of us who don’t buy into the Law Of Attraction, as taught in The Secret, can rest easy. We aren’t bad people; we’re just "unopened buds." But maybe if the pro-LOA-ers keep fertilizing…er…watering…us, we’ll "open up." Meanwhile, I guess the best that we unopened buds can do is to keep "teaching" even if we are totally lacking in consciousness. I don’t know how we even get up in the morning…

Why we can’t flyAnd speaking of gravity and the Law Of Attraction…

Just about everyone has fantasized and dreamed of flying, and it sometimes seems a cruel joke that we can’t. Well, now I have a better understanding of the true reason we can’t. It’s not because we lack wings and feathers and hollow bones and other attributes possessed by our avian friends. My ever-vigilant pal Tony found a scintillating debate on The Secret discussion forum last week that gives insight into the real reason we can’t fly.

According to some of the discussion participants (a few of whom seem to have trouble grasping the concept that the Harry Potter books are fiction), the problem is that too many of us believe in the Law Of Gravity, which prevents us from flying. The cumulative effect of that limiting belief is a limiting reality that keeps the whole darned human species grounded. Darn those naysayers!

Dreaming-Bear redux
Hawai’ian Week, which turned out to be more than a mere week, may be over, but I can’t get the Aloha State out of my mind. So consider this a Hawai’ian moment.

I recently received an email from a person who’d read my post about the poseur-mystic Dreaming-Bear , aka "The Kissing Prophet" – author, poet, performance artist, ordained shaman, multi-denominational minister, faux-Native American, and college professor – who now makes his home on Maui. Dreaming-Bear, not to be confused with the Travelodge® mascot Sleepy Bear, isn't actually Hawai'ian; these days he's claiming to be part Cherokee and part Palestinian. He says he's raising money to send to certain Palestinian organizations...um, I mean, to his family members who are wasting away in some Palestinian refugee camp. But he has a definite Hawai'i shtick along with his fake-Indian /soulful poet routines.

My correspondent, who says he knows Dreaming-Bear, sent me some totally gratuitous gossip, which he gave me permission to pass along. Keep in mind that I have not verified these items independently. So, again, this is just gossip. I am always open to hearing from pro-Dreaming-Bear factions, including Dreaming-Bear himself.

Apparently Dreaming-Bear is not above making up stories about his past in order to get laid to impress the impressionable. Among some of the tidbits my correspondent shared:

• In his speech class he made people buy his books and gave them tests such as "What happened to Dreaming Bear on page 5?" He was asked to leave Long Beach State after he was having students call people anonymously and say, "What if you died today? Would you have done everything you wanted?" Bad move for extra credit!
• He was going about 25 miles an hour when he got in his famed "motorcycle accident," and the bike didn't burst into flames; it [sort of] just fell over.
• Two years ago this guy didn't even claim he was Native American. He was claiming he was from Lebanon and listening to 2Pac.
• Dreaming Bear was living in his ex-girlfriend’s garage without her knowing it and got her kicked out of her apartment. Apparently he had told her that he was "storing things there." I guess he forgot to tell her his body was one of them.

Again, that is unsubstantiated gossip, but I thought I would pass it along. It somehow seemed like the right thing to do.

On a related note, I ran across something interesting in my Googling; it appeared to be a message board for one of the college courses Dreaming-Bear was teaching a couple of years ago. It seems to have been a pretty challenging course, if the first assignment was any indicator:

From: Dreaming-Bear (Original Message) Sent: 7/13/2005 11:03 PM
Your first assignment is to create a profile for yourself on this homepage. Your profile should include a digital photo, an active email address, & a phone number you can be reached at. You will also want to create the profile under your new Nickname. If you complete all this by the next class period you will have gotten an A on this assignment. It is my complete honor to be your teacher for the next several weeks. Let’s take this opportunity to discover TURTH [sic]!

Pretty clever way to troll for dates, D-B! (Nudge-nudge, wink-wink, say no MORE!)

By the way, it seems that the person who takes most of those sexy pics of D-B is the aggressively sincere-looking Richard Marks, M.A., Life Coach/Counselor/Media Producer. He’s actually a pretty good photographer, despite his taste in subjects, but he’s ever so much more than a shutterbug. If you’re ready to realize your heart’s highest dream, Dick is there to help you.

I am ready to be that ally who will be side your side, walking step by step with you until your dream is birthed with all its power and beauty into this world.
I have recently begun intensive studies with Dr. John Demartini from The Secret…
Throughout my life as an artist, coach and counselor, I have focused extensively on studies of Creative Process…
I am quite excited and inspired by my most recent creative endeavor, which is the collaboration on a DVD of sacred poetry with the illuminated mystic poet, Dreaming Bear Kanaan.

It just doesn’t seem fair that Maui has all of that sexy, creative, mystical talent, does it? But really, if you’re interested, I’m sure there’s enough Dreaming-Bear to go around. I’ll pass, though.

Utah: it’s not just for Mormons any more
"Become a Person of Power!" announced the email that I received from my favorite New-Wage spam service recently. "Integrate & Manifest the Power as you live life in the Modern World. Make the work of Ceremonialist, Healer, Psychic, and Teacher your work in the world!"
The message concerned a comprehensive program that includes just about everything a person needs to be a Person Of Power, including:

• DNA Activation & Reading [Prerequisite is Brain Cell Deactivation]
• Advanced Channeling & Evocation Skills
• Etheric Healing
• Exorcism
• Cord Cutting [Placenta cookery lessons available at extra cost]
• Elemental Alchemy & Wicca
• Laying on Stones [Not to be confused with lying around stoned]
• Oracle Training

And it all takes place not in Sedona or Taos or Maui or Boulder or Mt. Shasta or India or Egypt, but, of all places, in Brigham City, Utah. A woman named Laurie Secrist Gudnason, who runs the Rocky Mountain Mystery School, is the teacher.

It is amazingly inexpensive to become a Person Of Power:

3 Degrees of Initiation are Included
$1500.00 Initial Fee
$333 Annual Ceremonial Fee
$1500 Graduation Fee
Payment Plan: $150 monthly for 22 months
$333 Ceremonial Fee Annually paid at the 1st class
Graduation will take place within 18 months to 3 years.

There's an upcoming event that takes place from August 16-19 at the Triolite Center in Brigham City. You can register online at www.7thmystery-products.com. Just think what "graduate of The Rocky Mountain Mystery School" will look like on your C.V. It just may be even more impressive than a phony Ph.D. from a prestigious metaphysical university system. I guess the real "mystery" is why people still believe in this stuff, and, what's more, pay good money to learn more about it.

Well, that’s it for now. I hate to snipe and run…but I promise to be back soon.