A few Sunday snippets

Dear Ones, I have not forgotten you. And I certainly didn’t mean to leave you hanging in regard to that intriguing story about the old nekkid hippie in the hot tub. I promise to get back to that stunning piece of investigative journalism as soon as I have time to get on the horn with my informants. But this past week has been… well… trying, with a cluster-f--- of work and family issues that have taken up most of my time and energy. I did, however, want to take a brief break to share some snippets.

"Have scientists been wrong? For 400 years?"
That’s what the tri-fold brochure that came in the mail the other day said. At first I thought it was just another piece of crap from Scientology – we’ve been getting a lot of their junk in the mail lately – but then I realized this pamphlet wasn’t as slick and expensive as a typical piece of Scientology propaganda. And I was right. This brochure, which offered a free book that, according to the brochure, could possibly turn my world around, was from the Geocentric Bible Foundation in Kansas. The tag line on the order-form portion of the brochure read, "Yes, I want to keep an open mind about my world and my place in it."

Geocentricity is pretty much what it sounds like: the notion that the Earth is at the hub of Universe. It’s all based on Holy Scripture, of course, and the reason the issue matters so much is that, as one R.G. Elmendorf wrote, "The philosophical consequences of the geocentric/heliocentric controversy are plain enough that if the earth is not fixed on center stage of the universe, then life on earth and man himself are essentially meaningless."

Geocentricists’ big gripe is that scientists – or "heliocentric scientists," as some geocents call them – claim that the Sun rather than the Earth is at the center of the Universe. And this is just wrong, wrong, wrong. Why? Because the Bible says it’s wrong, darn it. "The Holy Bible is a GEOCENTRIC Bible because it states that God created the stationary world on the 1st day and it was not until the 4th day that the sun and moon were created," says one particularly passionate geocentricist on a site called Cabotia.com.

Now, my understanding is that science merely claims that the Sun is the center of our Solar System, not of the entire Universe. But never mind that. Many geocents believe that the Universe is much, much smaller than scientists have been telling us. The real issue seems to be that geocents challenge the Copernican theory of heavenly motions. Copernicus is, in the view of some, even more evil than Darwin. Bottom line: The Sun revolves around the Earth, not vice-versa. Notwithstanding those hiccups we call earthquakes, volcanoes, etc., the Earth itself is motionless.

In the July-August 2007 issue of Skeptical Inquirer, there’s an essay by Robert Scheaffer that seems to have been inspired by the same brochure I received in the mail. In this essay (you can view an excerpt here), Scheaffer writes about the geocentric Tychonian Society, whose beliefs can be summed up thus:

We believe that the creation was completed in six twenty-four hour days and that the world is not older than about six thousand years. We maintain that the Bible teaches us of an earth that neither rotates daily nor revolves yearly about the sun; that it is at rest with respect to the throne of him who called it into existence; and that hence it is absolutely at rest in the universe.

But they’re all full of you-know-what – the geocentricists, the heliocentricists, the Copernicans and the Cabotians. The truth, of course, is that the Universe revolves around me. But if you insist on entertaining other theories, here’s a page that provides more links to geocentric lunacy.

The Sha of "I ran (or at least I walked a lot faster)"
He’s not just a Master, he’s not just a Doctor – he’s a Master Doctor! Or a Doctor Master! He’s Dr. Zhi Gang Sha, who may be China’s greatest gift to the West since lead-infused toys and fatally contaminated pet food. And Master Doctor Sha has a mighty mission:

My total mission is to transform the consciousness of humanity and souls in the universe to create a peaceful and harmonized world and universe. My mission includes three empowerments.

My first empowerment is to offer universal service to empower people to be unconditional universal servants…

My second empowerment is to teach healing to empower people to heal themselves and others…

My third empowerment is to teach soul wisdom to empower people to transform their lives and enlighten their souls, minds and bodies…

And on and on and on.

Since Doctor Master’s Mission Statement is, like most Mission Statements (particularly New-Wage ones), virtually meaningless, it’s a good thing you have Cosmic Connie to ’splain things for you, isn’t it? What you really need to know is that Master-Doc Sha specializes in "soul operations" and "soul transplants," as well as divine soul downloads, divine soul massages, and other soul-related services. Some of his work is based on an ancient Chinese secret called Xiu Lian (which, incidentally, is also embraced by the Chinese religious movement Falun Gong).

A few days ago I got an email from my favorite New-Wage spam service about an upcoming retreat in San Francisco (November 4-10, 2007), conducted by Doctor Master Sha and "his spiritual father Master Guo." This retreat will help you "attain soul enlightenment in this lifetime." If you register before October 27, it will only cost you $1,350.00; after that date the price goes up to $1,500.00.

According to a previous promo that the spam service sent me, Doc-Mast Sha is "a direct lineage holder of secret 5,000-year-old Buddhist and Taoist wisdom." Since 2003, he has also been "a divine servant, vehicle and channel." He has also penned a few books, including Power Healing: Four Keys To Energizing Your Body, Mind, and Spirit. One five-star reviewer named Donna wrote:

This book is amazing! I wish I had it years ago. If I can master the techniques of the four keys, I hope to help other people with pain and healing. It will take alot of hard work. DR. Sha tells us in the book. I would recommend this book to anyone who needs and wants to stay in good health and pain free!

Donna doesn't say whether she actually was able to energize or heal herself, only that the book is amazing. But don't just take an average person's word for it. Master Doctor Sha has, according to his promo material, been endorsed by folks such as John Gray of Mars-and-Venus fame, and Masaru Emoto, who discovered that water has feelings. (Naturally, I've written about both on this blog: "Dr." Gray is the third item on this post from December, and Dr. Emoto is mentioned here and here (among other places).

Though the video clips on Master Doctor Sha’s home page would seem to suggest that he specializes mainly in healing mobility challenges in large middle-aged women, the implication is that his techniques work on any and everyone. Well, actually, they’re not his techniques, according to him. It’s just the Divine at work, you see. (Of course, your credit card will be charged to Doctor Master Sha, but I’m sure he’ll give the Divine Its cut, especially since the two of them are on a first-name basis with each other.)

You owe it to yourself to watch at least some of those video clips currently on Master Doctor Sha’s home page. In one clip, a woman’s arm is miraculously healed. In the second, a woman gets her left knee healed at a Unity Church in Honolulu, and at the same time, Doc-Master Sha also heals the left knee of everyone in the audience!

The really terrific news is that you too can learn to do healing the way Doctor Master Sha does. Before you know it, you’ll be making precision slices through thin air and yelling, "SO-OUL Trans-PLANT! Stuh-ART!"

Take THAT, you tappers out there.

Time is running out…
How would you like a chance to have a private meeting with "four of the sharpest minds ever gathered in one place?"

"Well, gee, Cosmic Connie, that sounds pretty exciting!" you might be saying. "But how do I know they’re really four of the sharpest minds?"

You know it because Mr. Fire said so on his blog. And these four ultra-sharp minds, who, naturally, include Mr. Fire himself, are a select group of geniuses who like to get together to smoke expensive Cuban cigars and come up with brilliant ideas for making millions and millions of dollars for themselves. And now you, too, have a chance to sit in on one of these exciting sessions and have these guys listen to you and blow smoke at you. But you must act now; there are only two slots left for the next private session, scheduled for November 17. It will only set you back $25,000.00 US.

Alternatively, my exclusive circle of email pen pals and I can blow smoke up your arse for free. It’s your choice!