Trumpian crapitalism continues with tacky $100k watches (and crass exploitation of assassination attempts)

For nearly a week the Interwebs have been abuzz with yet another one of #NeverWasMyPresident DonOld Trump's endless efforts to suck all of the oxygen out of the room (while siphoning as much money as possible from the gullible): his gaudy $100,000 tourbillon watch collection. There are cheaper watches in the new Trump collection as well -- some as low as $499! -- but they just don't have that tourbillon magic, so take that into consideration when planning how to squander your retirement savings or your kid's college fund. (Hey, who needs college anyway? Trump veep creep JD Vance says that colleges make "worse people" and that universities should be destroyed.)

If you don't know much about watches, you may be asking, as many have (and as I no doubt would have if I'd actually cared enough), what a tourbillon is, since that's the thing, apart from the Trump name of course, that supposedly makes the $100k wrist bling so very, very special. Daniel Miller at the LA Times explains it (via MSN, October 1, 2024):

Two hundred grams of gold. 122 diamonds. A $100,000 price tag. And "TRUMP" on the dial.

Flashy, yes, but the most notable feature in a mechanical wristwatch debuted by former President Trump last week may be the anachronistic technology encasing its beating heart: a tourbillon.

The device, for which the watch is named, is an 18th century invention meant to improve accuracy by counteracting the effects of gravity on a watch's mechanism. It does so by suspending timekeeping components in a rotating cage.

While visually interesting — the Trump watch's tourbillon is displayed via a cutout on its dial — it is no longer functionally necessary, owing to advances in watchmaking...

Even so, the tourbillon continues to be kind of a status-symbolish thing among snooty watch wearers. However, the tourbillon in Trump's tawdry offering doesn't justify the hefty price tag, according to folks who are in a position to know.

...among watch cognoscenti, the timepiece attracted instant opprobrium. In Instagram posts, WhatsApp group chats and TikTok videos, influential voices savaged the solid-gold watch over its appearance and cost...

...In one online clip, Mike Nouveau, a vintage-watch dealer with a large online presence, calculated the value of some of the watch's parts, a tally far below its retail price. He said the timepiece featured an "off-the-shelf" tourbillon that costs less than $3,000.

Several industry experts said including a tourbillon in Trump's watch made sense.

"It is a beautiful mechanical parallel to Trump — here is a person who whirls around, and is shiny and flashy, but has no function or purpose and is entirely anachronistic in how he sees the world," said Phil Toledano, co-founder of the watch brand Toledano & Chan.

Well, I wouldn't say he's without function or purpose; Trump has proven to be a very useful tool indeed for tyrants overseas and Christofascist evildoers Stateside. But Toledano's point is well taken anyway.

Tons of other writers and commentators have been on watch watch as well, and many have really been having fun with the story (along with making some serious points about the grift). On September 27, 2024, Jonathan V. Last at the conservative Bulwark posted a Q&A about the griftwatch collection.

Q. If I buy a Trump watch, will I get it in time to wear to the next insurrection?
A. Maybe. The website says the watches will ship in October. Or November. Or December. Or maybe some other month?

Watches start shipping in October/November/December. . . . Shipping and delivery dates are estimates only and cannot be guaranteed. We are not liable for any delays in shipments. Your order will ship as it becomes available, so the earlier you buy, the quicker it will ship. Each watch is made to order.

“Made to order,” by the way, does not mean “bespoke.” It means “dropshipped.”

Q. Why is a billionaire bothering with this scam project?
Trump says that his Victory watches are limited to 147 pieces in total. But they’re offered in three colorways. I would bet he’s selling 147 of each, for a total of 441 pieces. At $100,000 per, that’s $44 million. Less the production costs, that’s still $35 million. Trump licensed his image and likeness to the company doing the watch sales—exactly as he did with his sneakers and NFTs. We don’t know what his percentage of the take is, but if it’s less than 75 percent, he’s a fool.

Because if you’re the watch guys, you bring nothing to the table except the ability to make this a turnkey operation that the Big Guy never has to think about.

What Trump brings to the table is: There is no business without him. He could find other fulfillment monkeys to handle his wares. The watch guys could not find another Donald Trump to sucker people into paying $100,000 for a $20,000 watch.

From Trump’s perspective, he puts in an hour of work—signing off on the design and taping his video spiel—and walks away with low eight figures.

Q. If this is such a good scam business, why didn’t Trump sell watches before?
A. He did. Perhaps you remember Trump Watches 1.0? He sold them in 2005 through Macy’s, with a typical retail price around $300. (This was before he had an army of mouth-breathing idiots panting after his merch.) In the main, these were gold-plated stainless steel pieces with Japanese movements. You can find them on eBay where as of yesterday—surprise!—people are trying to sell them for many thousands of dollars. Because game recognizes game, I guess...

Niece Mary Trump, also writing on September 27, 2024, had a few words as well:

Donald is not a builder—he has, in fact, created very few things in his life, unless you count the smoke and mirrors. Since he’s been unemployed over three years, he’s spent the bulk of his time playing and cheating at golf; but he’s also spent a considerable amount on his lucrative side-hustle: grifting his followers.

Sometimes the grift comes in the form of asking for campaign contributions that go to fund his legal expenses and not his campaign. Sometimes he hawks cheap products somebody pays him to slap his name on. In the last year alone we’ve gotten gold sneakers, non-fungible trading cards, bibles, and, most recently, watches.

Donald long ago learned that there’s no risk in selling his name—he gets paid up front, does a sales pitch, and cashes his check.

The new watches sell for anywhere from $499 to $100,000 (not a typo). The FIGHT, FIGHT, FIGHT collection (who among us hasn’t tried to raise money off of an assassination attempt in which people were actually killed?) includes a stainless-steel watch with a blood-red dial. The Victory Tourbillon comes in 18k yellow or rose gold and costs more than the average American makes in two years.

Following this, Mary discussed the site's disclaimers, which in themselves should be a huge red flag for anyone with any sense at all (and which the aforementioned Jonathan V. Last, as well as numerous other commentators, also covered). Then she added:

In a slimy video that would be stunning in its ridiculousness coming from any other presidential candidate, Donald tells us the $100,000 watch is made with almost 200 grams of gold and “more than 100 real diamonds. That’s a lot of diamonds. I love gold. I love diamonds. We all do.”

Jesus.

There are much, much worse things about Donald Trump than his shameless hucksterism, but leveraging the presidency in this way is truly grotesque. Despite the fact that we’ve learned to expect nothing, it’s still shocking that corporate media considers that this ugly aspect of a presidential candidate is something we all should ignore—or accept.

Indeed.

On a more serious note, on a September 30 Bulwark piece, Jonathan Last suggested that Trump's watch scheme is specifically designed to skirt bribery laws. Last described a method by which a theoretical politician could monetize his power:

• The politician publicly sells some valueless good—let’s say, magic beans—at a wildly inflated price. Say, $100,000.
• Very few people would pay $100,000 for magic beans.
• But an individual who wants to influence the politician might buy lots of them. This individual might say something like, “Yes, I will take $1,000,000 worth of your magic beans.”
• The politician takes the money and winks. It would be implicitly understood that the politician owes this individual an unspecified favor in the indeterminate future.
• I am not a lawyer and this is not legal advice, but this arrangement is probably not illegal.

You can see the logistical problems with this arrangement. It is complicated and the implied contract has been abstracted. The briber doesn’t always get the chance to say explicitly beforehand, “I will buy $1 million of magic beans and then at a later date, you will do X for me” and confirm an agreement from the politician. And the more abstract the exchange is, the harder it is for both parties to be satisfied.

But that’s the tradeoff for mitigating criminal exposure.

And to further insulate himself, Last wrote, a pol could sell the overpriced crap during his campaign -- that is, before being elected to office should he win -- and he could run the sales through a third party. Which, of course, is precisely what DonOld is doing. Draw your own conclusions.

Media types haven't been the only ones who've weighed in on Watchgate, of course. Countless social media commenters and meme-makers/sharers have also attacked this appalling grift, with many pointing out that the very same political party that is crying crocodile tears over average consumers struggling with sky-high grocery prices (supposedly because of Biden/Harris) has chosen for their presidential candidate a sleazy salesman who is encouraging those same aggrieved consumers to sink their dollars into tacky, egregiously overpriced merch. I would say that this blatant inconsistency is a sign of tone deafness, but that's being far too kind: it's really just a toxic mix of plain old cynicism and hunger for power at any cost.

The watches are just the latest in a long line of Trumpian crapitalistic endeavors
And with that sub-head I've just overstated the obvious once again, but that's what I do best on this blog.

Trump of course is a lifelong huckster, but his hucksterism has increased greatly since he entered politix. It was only a few months ago that he was making news with his tacky gold $400 high-top clown shoes, to which we paid tribute on this Whirled, of course. If you didn't grab a pair for yourself early on, too bad for you: according to the web site, The Never Surrender High-Tops ("Bold, gold, and tough, just like President Trump") are SOLD OUT. (Wait. "...just like President Trump?" Shouldn't the shoes be orange?)

Anyway, only 1,000 pairs were slated to be released. I've been Googling and Bing-ing in an effort to find out if any shoes were actually ever shipped, but I haven't been able get details. I suppose we will just have to take it on faith that there are 1,000 proud Never Surrender High-Top wearers who are the envy of all of their friends and neighbors and local professional clown associations.

A few months after the gold shoes came out, and just in time for Holy Week (for those non-Orthodox Christians who celebrate Easter), the Trump grift machine announced, completely without irony, the $60 Trump Bible, which was actually a new way to sell an older product that hadn't been doing so well until it was blessed with the official Orange Stain. I haven't been able to get sales figures on that holy tome, but the web site indicates that it's still actively on the market: "IN STOCK NOW FOR QUICK SHIPPING."

And the good news is that now there are two Very Special Editions of the Trump Bible -- I mean, even special-er than the original. To begin with, as part of the endless exploitation of the July 13, 2024 assassination attempt against Cheeto Jeezus (which has been a fundrazing BONANZA for Trump), there is The Day God Intervened Edition:

God Bless The USA Bible – “The Day God Intervened” Edition

This beautiful God Bless The USA Bible has been custom embossed to [sic] in remembrance of the day that God intervened during President Donald J. Trump’s assassination attempt.

DONALD J. TRUMP
45TH PRESIDENT
OF THE
UNITED STATES OF AMERICA
THE DAY GOD INTERVENED
JULY 13, 2024

In the interests of setting the record straight, however, I must mention that God Himself hath declared, "Hey, don't blame me." Sayeth the Lord:

Do you really think I’d waste my divine power on the Tangerine Palpatine? Come on, folks, for once just PLEASE give God a break. I’ve got better things to do, like making sure the sun rises every day and keeping the universe from falling apart. And playing with Lego. You really think I’d step in to save that conman who can’t string two coherent thoughts together?

And if you think I saved Donald’s life, then why did I let the innocent bystander die? Huh? HUH?!? Do you Trump supporting Christians realize how crazy you all sound?? Of course you don’t, because you’re batshit. 

But never mind Him; He's just God. Trump is the real Almighty, and you really need to pick up this new edition. Like the original, it's only $60.00. What have ya got to lose?

If you're a true Bible collector and truly loyal to Trump, there's also a very limited edition now available: the President Donald J. Trump Signature Edition God Bless The USA Bible:

President Donald J. Trump Signature Edition God Bless The USA Bible

Limited Edition
Only 1000 Available!
While Supplies Last!
Each Bible Contains President Donald J. Trump’s Hand-Signed Signature

Hand-signed, as opposed to printed... which presumably means that Trump sat down with his Sharpie and signed 1,000 Bibles. Think of that: he took time off from golfing and boasting about his crowd sizes and griping about Kamala's resume and I.Q. to sign those Bibles just for you!

That's why they're worth every penny of the $1,000.00 price (plus $100.00-plus shipping). Heck of a deal.

The shoes and Bibles and watches are, of course, just a few of a seemingly endless string of Trump's crapitalistic ventures. On September 26, 2024, Rolling Stone published a more comprehensive examination of recent Trump merch. Included are what Rolling Stone describes as "assassination attempt cologne."

Trump has made hay over the assassination attempt against him in July, both through campaign fundraising and hawking merchandise — including “Fight Fight Fight” cologne and perfume. “This scent is your rallying cry in a bottle,” the description of the cologne reads. “Featuring Trump’s iconic image and raised fist, this limited-edition cologne embodies strength, power, and victory.” The perfume is intended for “women who embody strength and grace, like President Trump.” Both are for sale for $129.

The "Fight Fight Fight" Trump-odor series is not to be confused with the "Trump Victory 47" stinkum that was being pushed back in February along with the clown shoes.

And all of the above is in addition to Trump's long history of grift preceding his entry into politix -- e.g., Trump University and The Trump Network. Not to mention his entire history of shady and corrupt business practices...

In other words, watches and Bibles and shoes and toilet water are just the tip of the iceberg.

With Trump, now as in the past and in the future, it's really all about the grift. And if he can land another gig in the White House, you can bet that in addition to being an instrument in destroying American democracy for good, he'll be making bank in a big way. Meanwhile, most of the rest of us will still be struggling with soaring food, housing, fuel, and healthcare costs, and Trump and his uber-rich allies won't give a damn about any of that.

Vote Blue in November.

Before you leave...
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