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Tuesday, March 18, 2008

Just call me Buttercup

You may have noticed that it has been a while since I’ve blogged – nearly one month (gasp). There are several reasons for this, all of them connected to various problems encountered in the nearly one month (are you starting to see a connection here?) since Ron and I moved out to The Edge of Nowhere.

For the first couple of weeks after the big transition I was flailing around in dial-up purgatory, not to mention carpal tunnel hell. Let’s cover purgatory first. Dial-up Internet out here in the sticks, or at least in our region of the sticks, is currently offered at a blazing 28.8-Kbps speed, turning even a simple email check into a chore (and possibly a hefty toll call as well; we have yet to receive our first phone bill but are dreading it).

And even after Ron and I finally got high-speed Internet – via satellite, as we don’t get DSL out here – my computer still wasn’t getting a proper signal. So if it seems that I’ve been ignoring your emails and comments, believe me, it isn’t from choice. I have been able to publish most of the comments to my blog, but haven't taken the time to respond to the comments because it was just too time-consuming on my crippled computer system, and it's much too awkward and inefficient for me to try to communicate via typing on my older model cell phone. I am trying to catch up now that Ron, after several shopping trips and countless hours of wrestling with the system, has apparently fixed the problem.

And here is where we get into the "hell" part. If you’ve ever had
carpal tunnel syndrome you know what I'm talking about. All of the frantic packing and cleaning and box-lifting activities of the past few weeks have taken a toll on my hands. One morning a few days after the Big Move, I woke up in utter despair because my hands were so numb and yet so painful that I could hardly move them, to say nothing of type a brilliant blog post. In fact blogging was the last thing on my mind, what with there being a whole huge house full of stuff – literally hundreds of boxes – yet to be unpacked. "Without my hands, I’m useless!" I cried.

"Not to worry," Ron assured me. "Just point at boxes and I’ll unpack them and put the stuff away." I admit that the idea had a certain appeal to me, inspiring visions of Buttercup and Wesley in
The Princess Bride. "Farm Boy*, unpack that small box over there and then arrange the contents neatly in my nightstand drawer!" I imagined myself haughtily saying. To which he would dutifully reply, "As you wish," and he would do it.

The reality, of course, is that Farm Boy had, and has, more than enough of his own stuff to do. His major task was setting our computers up so we could at least work. Work had to come first, and getting the Internet and network challenges taken care of became more than a full-time job for Ron. Gradually, however, we have been getting our household things unpacked and organized as well.

There have been a few other rough edges too, which are to be expected when moving into an old ranch house that has been vacant for a while. For example, the huge heating and cooling unit that was installed recently wasn’t working properly, and when a cold spell hit a couple of nights after we moved in, Farm Boy and I froze our assets. We called our property manager and he said he’d get his air conditioning guy right on it. The very next day, a friendly guy with a mullet and a very pronounced down-home accent showed up and clomped around up in our attic for a while.

"I bet there’s a lot of dust and Lord knows what else up there," I commented to him when he came back down.
"Nah, it’s not too bad," he said. "Saw a few snake skins, though."

I believe he thought he was shocking me, but as it turns out, I really like snakes, especially hog-nosed snakes, which I think are incredibly cute with those little turned-up noses.

"What kind of snakes do you suppose were up there?" I asked him, my interest piqued.

"Prob’ly copperheads," he replied. Um…copperheads I don’t like so much, a fact that my facial expression may have betrayed. "Aw, don’t worry," he assured me. "’Round these parts, they go up in people’s attics all the time, shed their skins, and leave."

Well, that made me feel loads better. And it’s nothing to worry about, really; for years I’ve suspected there are bats in my belfry, so snakes in my attic are no big deal. Anyway, Mullet Man said that the people who had installed the gigantic new heating and cooling unit had failed to install new ducts and vents and other stuff to make it all work right, so fixing it would be a rather involved process.

A few days later he showed up again with two assistants, and they all three clomped around up in the attic for several hours, putting new holes in our ceilings. They weren’t able to finish up that day and left several of the holes uncovered, including a big one in the kitchen, from which the return hung down like a giant prolapsed organ. That night Ron kept bumping his head on the prolapse, but at least the heat was working in part of the house. The next day the guys returned and finished the job, but, alas, that still didn’t do the trick. The heat still wasn’t working. We put in yet another call to our property manager, and then went to Home Depot and bought some small heaters.

After a couple more visits from our friend with the mullet, the problem was finally fixed, and everything seems to be working now. It’s very comforting to have the heat functioning again, now that the cold weather finally seems to be over.

We have had another issue regarding an intermittent but gawd-awful smell that seems to be emanating from the walls near the bathroom areas. This time we haven’t been able to blame Rex The Farting Dog, because for some inexplicable reason he isn’t farting nearly as much here as he did in Houston. But the refreshing lack of dog gas has been more than counteracted by the putrid odor coming from the walls. I was convinced that various creatures –
Rodents Of Unusual Size, perhaps – had crawled into the walls and died. Ron, however, says it is more than likely a septic-tank issue, which we’re now dealing with. Just another challenge of Living In The Country.

The Country is, in fact, a very fragrant place. It often smells as if someone is smoking some extraordinarily good weed around here, especially at night. Actually, however, there are these creatures called skunks… and believe me, there are plenty of them in this area. Not that they really bother us; although the olfactory evidence is everywhere, the only visual evidence I’ve seen of their presence thus far are the poor little critters who never made it across the road. (
Loudon Wainwright III might have found inspiration here.)

Things are slowly but surely returning to normal, or, more accurately, they are developing into a new normal. We have our high-speed Internet so we don’t have to go into town any more to upload huge graphics for our clients. Satellite Internet seems to be a little slower than DSL, and it sometimes goes out during a storm, but it’s the best we have right now. The important point is that we can work… and that I have most of my blogging capabilities back. Eventually all of the boxes will get unpacked, and as the weeks go by more things will fall into place. But I think it will be a while before I recover fully from this move.

I recall a moment on moving day, a day I will forever remember as Black Saturday. It was late morning, and Ron and the movers had left on the first of what would turn out to be four trips from Houston to The Edge of Nowhere. I was utterly exhausted and sleep-deprived to the point of nausea, and to make matters worse, one of the cats was hiding and I couldn’t find her. Earlier we had corralled all three of the Feline-Americans into the main bathroom to keep them out of the way of the moving activity. We shut them in there with food, fresh water, a newly cleaned litter box, and a couple of toys.

Already traumatized from having their environment turned into a shambles, the cats were now indignant about their imprisonment. They spent the entire morning complaining loudly. "Get a grip, felines," I grumbled. "You’re getting the easy end of this deal. I wish Ron would lock ME in the bathroom and make you guys help with this gawd-awful move." (Not that I had really been very much help at all on this move. During an actual move I am generally about as useful as tits on a fish. Put it this way: Farm Boy has been doing more than his share of work lately. But Princess Buttercup does have her uses when it comes to organizing before and after the move.)

Anyway, Grace, the long-haired white cat, had managed to escape from her bathroom prison cell and was now at large in the house. For over an hour I looked for her, and finally found her crouched in a dark corner under a couch. I noticed a sticker clinging to the tangled fur on her head, and upon closer examination saw that it was one of those decals made to be slapped onto boxes so movers will know how to mistreat them.** The sticker read, "FRAGILE."

"You don’t have to remind me, sweetheart," I told her, looking around for a similar sticker to slap onto my own head. Indeed, of the three cats it was Grace who has taken the longest to come out of her relocation funk. She hid behind a stack of boxes for a week and glared up at me whenever I peered down at her. But even she is coming around now. As for the dogs, they’ve had no trouble at all adjusting.

And despite the dial-up purgatory and carpal-tunnel hell, this place is, in many ways, heaven. Looking out of any of the numerous windows in this house, I never fail to be utterly delighted by the sights: the trees and the gently rolling land; the horses that I don’t have to care for – but get to pet and talk to – galloping across the fields; the cattle grazing in the distance. I walk out into our yard on a clear night and the sky is resplendent with far more stars than I could ever see in Houston. And I look around inside, at this roomy old house (finally! Room for my books! Or most of them, anyway!), and I have to smile.

And I love the way the wind howls around this house. It’s a wild, romantic sound that is frequently accompanied by the howls of the purebred foxhounds and Malamute-wolf hybrids in the kennels right behind our place. This would drive some people crazy, or in my case more crazy, but I have lived with wolves and wolf hybrids in the past, and to tell the truth I’ve kind of missed the howling. So I feel right at home, and confess that I have, on more than one occasion, joined in. My own dogs seem slightly embarrassed by this. In fact I believe they think I’m a bit off-balance, and they are very probably right. Off-balance I may be, but being out here is feeding a hunger I'd forgotten I had.

You may be relieved to know, however, that I am not going to bore you with corny homilies about the simple joys of a slower-paced life. The truth is, Ron and I are trying to create for ourselves the best of both worlds; like most people, we want to have our cake and eat it too. And Goddess knows there is no way either one of us wants to return to "the good old days" before the Internet. Internet entrepreneur
Pat O’Bryan’s concept of a "Portable Empire" is a fine one, but it is, after all, dependent upon having the right technology. Besides, there’s a lot to be said for living in big cities with conveniences just around the corner.

Yet one day a couple of weeks ago, during one of several trips into Houston to take care of business, there was a moment when we were stalled in rush hour traffic and both found ourselves gazing in horrified awe at the flustercuck around and above us: seven layers of new freeway rising up into the sky like a tangle of snakes. I think I can safely speak for both Farm Boy and myself when I say that we will take the occasional serpent in our own country attic over that concrete snake pit any day.

And now I’m more than ready to return to snarky mode. Believe me, there’s plenty to snark about, not the least of which is the fact that tomorrow, March 19, is the official release date of the New-Wage moviemercial,
The Opus – which looks to be yet another showcase for people with Egos Of Unusual Size.

* A particularly apt nickname, in light of our new surroundings.
** In this case, that was merely for humorous effect. Our movers were wonderful – three hard-working guys who went way above and beyond the call of duty to move our tons of stuff at a very reasonable price.

36 comments:

  1. ha, i am on about 5kbps

    here is a cool link to get your snark going again

    the four hour liar

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  2. OO! What's this about living with wolves? Is that like living with a tortoise or hamster?
    Did you just scramble out of the woods on all fours one day and start slurping from some folks doggy bowl?
    "Marlene, go git a steak, Jimmybob, get that fishing net from the garage, Wayne, get on the phone to the Enquirer we got a rent cheque just walked right into our yard"

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  3. welcome back-

    ya'll should consider terlingua for your next adventure.

    my cabin - http://www.patobryan.com/cabin.htm

    is miles from anywhere in particular, and most places in general, and is off all grids. but... it has phone and fiber optic internet access.

    thanks for the shout-out, and good luck with the transition- with wishes for a return to normalcy.

    whatever that is.

    ;)

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  4. Checked out the Opus. Usual bunch of mincing, grinning personal fulfillment wafflers. It mentioned a guy and a list.
    Here's a guy with a list for real...
    http://www.johngoddard.info/

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  5. Wow, Gregory, I thought I had it tough... 5kbps? How do you survive? :-) And I'll check out the link. Thanks for writing.

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  6. LOL, Anon. No, I wasn't raised by wolves, though I have been known to scramble around on all fours with various lupine and canine companions. (I've never slurped from their bowls, though.) I once had a full-blooded wolf as a "pet," and I've also had a couple of wolf hybrids. So I lived with them, and they lived with me. But the wolf was trouble. She kept eating couches and stuff. When I kept her outside, she tried to eat a neighbor's French poodle. I learned the hard way that when shopping for pets, a wolf is definitely not a good choice.

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  7. Hi, Pat; it's great to see you here. And a belated Happy Birthday to ya. What a very cool cabin (and what a glorious skyline). I like the wild and desolate beauty of Terlingua, and Ron has friends who faithfully attend some motorcycle event there every year, but right now we're leaning towards someplace with lots more trees.

    I have a feeling that normalcy is vastly overrated. I'm just trying to reach a happy medium between being settled and unsettled... if that makes any sense. :-)

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  8. "Usual bunch of mincing, grinning personal fulfillment wafflers." That's a great description, Anon, of most New-Wage showcases. I followed the John Goddard link you provided... pretty interesting stuff.

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  9. You bought it?
    I thought you just went to the edge of the forest, put your fingers to your mouth and gave the 'Connie, Queen of the Wild' call.
    Sad to hear about your neighbours poodle.
    Personally, I use 'Chum with added Little Red Riding Hood'?

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  10. I checked out the trailer to the up-and-coming "Opus" movie.

    Incredibly cheesy.

    You should also be aware that David Schirmer made another appearance on "a current affair" tonight. You can get the link here:

    http://video.msn.com/?mkt=en-au&brand=ninemsn&tab=m164&mediaid=123081&from=39&vid=30162666-2C11-44AF-BE37-948432CCB520&playlist=videoByTag:mk:en-AU:vs:0:tag:aunews_auaca:ns:MSNVideo_Top_Cat:ps:10:sd:-1:ind:1:ff:8A

    Apparently he's appearing in court tomorrow to face allegations of "misleading and deceptive conduct" - in the Federal Court tomorrow.

    Might see if it's a public listing, eh?

    (I wonder if Rhonda Byrnes and Bob Proctor know about this) hehe

    - concerned citizen

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  11. To the first of the most recent "Anons": yes, I bought the wolf pup. The neighbor's poodle was actually okay; I said the wolf *tried* to eat the poodle. The neighbor was livid but the poodle seemed fine.

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  12. To the second anon: I've seen some of the teasers for "The Opus" but haven't seen the trailer yet; I still have some catching up to do. Will blog about it as soon as I can.

    As for Schirmer, I was aware he was going to be on ACA again, and I was also aware of the lawsuits. Will blog about these topics too asap. And yes, Proctor is more than aware of Schirmer's shenanigans; word has it that he's the plaintiff in at least one of the suits. As for Rhonda, I don't know, but my guess is that she's still raking in the dough from "The Secret" and has effectively distanced herself from unpleasant matters.

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  13. Your hands are better?

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  14. Maybe you should try using the LOA instead of moaning and going on about all that is wrong in your life. What you think about, you bring about!!

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  15. To the Anon who asked if my hands are better: Yes, they are a little better, but then when I start lifting boxes or sweeping or performing some other necessary chore, they start acting up again. Eventually I'll probably get that new endoscopic procedure for carpal tunnel syndrome. Till then, I'm thinking acupuncture might be helpful.

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  16. To be clear, the anon with the sense of humour and the sympathy for your pinkies, is HHH. The sour puss above, isn't.

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  17. To the second Anon: You're joking, right? If you are, good one! What a perfect parody of the Secretron/LOA mindset.

    In the event that you were not joking, though (perhaps you're a Secretron or a Joebot or a Schirmer fan who has been a bit miffed by some of the stuff I've written in the past?), let me 'splain the meaning of my post.

    Truth is, I was actually making light of some of the stuff that I've been through this past month. But I thought that I'd made it pretty clear that overall I LOVE this new life.

    As for bringing on my problems by thinking about them... well, to tell the truth, the carpal tunnel hell I described was the result of NOT thinking about the damage I was doing to my hands. I was so focused on the positive aspects of my new life, and more specifically on getting packed and doing all of the dozens of things I needed to do to move, that I neglected my health. Beyond that, moving has always been very difficult for me, no matter how positive a spin I try to put on it. Again, though, I've been trying to make light of it. Sorry you couldn't see that.

    And as for the high-speed Internet problem, to imply that I attracted that problem, that I "brought about" the problem by thinking about it, is beyond moronic.

    However, if you were indeed being ironic and not moronic, I apologize for being a bit slow to "get it."

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  18. Thanks, Anon/HHH. I recognized your style, and definitely recognized that the "sourpuss" wasn't you. However, I'm still holding out hopes that this other person was in fact being ironic and I was just a bit slow to get it.

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  19. Buttercup-odd you should pick that name we have a business in town that the name of the owners daughter is Buttercup. O.K. So their young hippies... When we moved three years ago the first moving co called two days before D day and said they wouldn't be able to fulfill their end of the contract, which had been signed and paid for already. I got hold of another co which was local and they sent out a truck on 4th of July weekend, the driver walked into the house, called his boss and said that they weren't going to move us. I was, by now, hysterical, we had to rent a truck and store all our stuff for two months before we could get it out here. I arrived to a house full of flying ants because someone had left a window open, and had one suitcase with clothes for a weekend and one pair of sandals, no jewelry, very little makeup, and six pissed off cats. I was not prepared to spend two weeks in the desert SW with what I had. Now, it doesn't sound so bad, but at the time I was livid. Fortunately everyone was wonderful help at this end, and I now wouldn't want to live anywhere else.
    Life on Ranchero de Gato is good.
    It eventually evens out, and sounds like you're going to be fine.
    Except for your carpal tunnel problem, accupuncture is supposed to be very good for the pain and swelling, so is a reputable chiropractor.

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  20. Thank you for sharing your story, Candycoop. I would have been hysterical too in those circumstances. But thank goodness you had wonderful support, as I have during this move. And I do love it here on The Ranch!

    (BTW, re my choice of "Buttercup" as my nick: it was just a reference to the character in "The Princess Bride.")

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  21. O.K., let's say you got carpal tunnel syndrome by attracting it through the power of thoughts and intention.
    That means you sat down and visualised burning and tingling, painful stiffness, periods of rest, frustration and crying. Then you sat at your desk and filled in a blank check to a doctor for treatment of the CTS, and maybe a bequest to a CTS chaity for good measure. Then you visualised putting your request in a ballon and releasing it to the heavens with a prayer for manifestation, after thinking about it non stop for days on end.
    Badaboom, you attracted a syndrome.
    Wow, magic.

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  22. Magic indeed, Anon. How insightful you are! I see now that I did attract all of my troubles. Or maybe it was my counter-intentions that did it. In any event, I'd better go out and buy an expensive product or workshop to get this thing cleared up once and for all. ;-)

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  23. Hay there! Good to see y'all in the blogosphere again :-)

    Funny about cell phones and texting -- I'm the same way.

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  24. I just came across your blog and pissed myself laughing, I mean what is it in someones life that is so so sad that you have to bitch about other people all the time. I don't know what this LOA or stuff is (and I can't be assed to find out!) but I cannot believe that ANYONE has that much time to spare in their lives that they can moan about a whole load of things that have nothing to do with them all the time. Your like the gossip of the internet. You remind me of 2 neighbours, who have such sad lives that they sit and make stuff up about everyone else. How bored must you be? Seriously now, as a grown up, don't you think this is childish? Maybe you could start a hobby?
    I do have better things to do with my time, but I thought that I would be nice and tell you how much of a loser you sound.
    Also, for the people who do read the books you moan about, this is the perfect place for them to come and find out about the new books and inside gossip about what they believe in. I bet they come here, check for new books and are off to amazon to buy them. So your selling the stuff for them, how daft is that?
    I am all for people having a say, but surely you need to have at least have looked into this and tired it all 100% to have formed such childish opinions. How can you have an opinion on something you know nothing about? Unless of course it is just a childish opinion built on shit.
    I have read you WHOLE blog and have gone from tears of tiredness cause I am so bored, or laughter because your so shallow!!
    Maybe you could do with some of those crazy books to help you get a life!
    George

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  25. Cosmic Connie, I'm glad you're finally back. Missed your snakiness!

    Tricia

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  26. Hi, Lana, and thanks for the welcome back. Are you any closer to your decision about moving to Austin?

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  27. Wow, George. You read my ENTIRE blog? That's nearly 250 posts. Talk about someone with too much time on their hands... But I'm flattered that you noticed I am shallow, though I'm a bit insulted that you didn't acknowledge that I am *profoundly* shallow. Anyway, thanks for your deep insights. You're just the type of person who keeps me so inspired to blog.

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  28. Thanks for the welcome back, Tricia. Our friend George above doesn't seem so thrilled to see me back... but then again, maybe he secretly is, and just can't admit it. :-)

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  29. There, you see, Cosmic Connie you are just being negative, unlike George, who has absolutely no time to waste on snarking-other-peoples-books-advertising- know-nothings.

    I think he is hooked.

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  30. Hi Connie,

    I must say it's "George" or David or whatever your real name is that it's you who needs to get a life.

    BTW here is a link to the Schirmer Proctor fedral court judgement Bob if your reading this good luck on getting the costs out of him no one else has!

    http://esearch.fedcourt.gov.au/Esearch?showDoc=25462101

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  31. LOL, Anon 1... I think "George" is strangely drawn to this blog. And Anon 2, my first thought when reading the comment from "George" was that this was a person from the Schirmer camp, and the claim about not knowing about LOA was a ruse to throw me off the trail.

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  32. Funny... "George's" writing "style" closely resembles examples we've seen from Squirmer himself on his blogs.

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  33. Ron, I had given thought to the possibility it might be Schirmer himself, but I'm thinking that more likely it's one of his sons (most of whom, word has it, are chips off the old block). As I noted previously, the family who preys together... :-)

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  34. Cosmic Connie, the truth of extra-terrestrial life has been revealed unto me by JZ Knight, on the mystic bourgoise blog.
    Cosmic Connie, I am just blown away.

    One reason I am blown away is that 'your brain can process from it's skeletal structure vibrations that can be interpreted as pictures which we call thoughts and then looked upon becomes the struts and architecture of the quantum field'.

    Did you realise that about yourself Cosmic Connie. Bet you didn't, but I am sure the interstellar implications are not lost on you. I hope they aren't, because they are bloody lost on me.

    Is that what happens when the mind control research funding runs out and the subject has to be thrown back to society without proper de-programming?

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  35. I am afraid that the snide and sceptical poster above has a point. We on the Galactic Council have often to deal with the mess left by those falsely claiming to 'channel' one of our brethren, whilst actually making stories up for credulous dwellers of the material planes. There is however, one certain way to tell if the wisdom you are receiving is truly being 'channelled' from a member of the Galactic Council (of which, you are aware, I am the Chief Luminance). To detirmine the depth of wisdom of the supposed entity, one must merely ask it about the role of the sheep in the evolution of Earth™ Consciousness- the key to which I believe I have already imparted.
    You will notice that the Earth, as I refer to it, is a trademark. This is a fact about which there seems to be great ignorance amongst your kind. In fact the Earth™ was our idea, and there has been a great deal of infringement of our intellectual property rights. However, we are wise and lenient at the council, and indulgent towards your reckless use of the names of cosmic bodies whose origins you are largely unaware, and so we shall not be pursuing any course of legal action.
    The creators of the Moon™ and especially Mars™ may not be so lenient. Please take that as a caution.
    His Supreme Galactic Radiance blah-blah-you're-quite familiar.

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