Choose your imaginary friends wisely!

“This is no ‘fairy-tale’,” said the 36-point-type headline in the email I received the other day from my favorite New-Wage spam service.

Well, they sure didn’t have to use 36-point type to convince me, once I saw that the message concerned the blonde Russian wood nymph Anastasia, whom we met last month.

"In 1995, a most extraordinary woman was discovered living in the wild forests of Siberia, Russia," read the email. "Revealed to the Russian speaking world in 1997 by now best selling ‘author’ Vladimir Megre, Anastasia is now 38 years old. She was born and has lived her entire life in the forest."

Okay, so far there was nothing new. I knew the basic story: Failed entrepreneur Vladimir Megre "discovers" a beautiful young wild woman in the woods one day, and ultimately is guided to write a series of books outlining the wisdom about life, the Universe and everything that Nature Girl has taught him. Thousands of people are profoundly moved by the writing, and many quit their jobs as a result of reading the books, choosing to spend their lives writing poetry and trying to change the world. And because of Anastasia countless thousands have discovered a new appreciation for nature, with a resulting desire to help save our fragile planet. It’s just like the late 1960s, except without the bad acid.

I thought I knew the whole story. But this latest email contained a shocker: Anastasia is naked.

She lives naked – in freezing cold conditions! – and has no house or cultivated garden. Wild animals bring her food at her command. Her demonstrated, mind-boggling powers, her profound wisdom and her complete access to "Universal" knowledge, have shocked and astounded the scientific and religious communities, who continue to be amazed by each new revelation, as her messages are delivered in this on going series of books.

How had I overlooked the nakedness part before? I’m always pretty good at reading between the lines, except on those occasions when I’m not. And, granted, I had seen some references here and there about how Anastasia "lives in complete harmony with nature." But in my nearly twenty minutes of intense research for that first blog post, I had never actually uncovered (so to speak) anything about Anastasia being utterly naked. This bares further investigation! I thought. So I went to one of the Anastasia web sites to do a few more minutes of research, and I found this information, along with a gratuitous squirrel shot:

[From the text of Volume 1:]

Anastasia lives in the woods entirely alone. She has no house, wears almost no clothes [italics mine] and doesn’t keep any supplies of food. She is a descendent of people who lived in these parts for centuries and it is like another civilization. Anastasia was born here and is an integral part of Nature.

"And you never went hungry?" I asked. In answer, she clicked her fingers and a squirrel instantly appeared and jumped on her hand. Anastasia brought the head of the squirrel up to her mouth and the squirrel gave her a cedar nut right out of its mouth.

Setting aside for the moment my doubts about the wisdom of eating nuts out of the mouths of wild rodents, I focused my mighty mental powers on the big question: is Anastasia nekkid or just nearly-nekkid? Or was she nearly-nekkid way back in Volume 1, but all-the-way nekkid now because, perhaps, the books aren’t selling as well as Vlad had hoped?

And why isn’t she nekkid on the covers of the English-language versions of the books?

I really can’t answer these questions, and I’ll probably have to rely on some of my faithful readers to do further research. For now, if you want to find out more about Anastasia, you definitely owe it to yourself to check out the Anastasia-related web site I found. The copy was originally rendered in German, but something got lost or at least irretrievably misplaced in translation. Despite the awkward prose, however, I learned some more interesting facts about Anastasia and the books she has inspired.

For example, there’s apparently some subliminal stuff going on with the Anastasia material:

According to Anastasia, special combinations of letters and words are inserted into text, which influence a man beneficially. You can feel these influences while reading it, when your hearing is not disturbed by sounds produced by artificial thinks and mechanisms. Natural sounds like: the singing of birds, the sound of rain, the rustling of leaves in the trees help to produce positive influences.

And don't forget she’s naked! And blonde!

Apparently the books get even more interesting as one progresses through the series. Here’s what our German site says about Book 4, Co-Creation:

This book is exceptional poetic. Anastasia tells about the origin of the universe – of being – of love. She enthusiastically speaks of the appearance of man – of Adam and Eve. But the book reports more than that. Highly interesting narrations of past and future of our earth intertwine each other. Incredible sounds the story of a visit of Anastasia and Vladimir at another planet where strange people live.

Hmmm… a planet where strange people live. I’d sure like to visit a place like that!

As I noted in my earlier blog post about Anastasia, some people have doubted that she actually exists. I believe this is going to be a real problem for Vlad as the books grow in popularity, even though Anastasia herself has reportedly stated, "I exist for those for whom I exist." You'd think that would clear it up once and for all, but some naysayers are never satisfied. The writer on the German web site mulls this problem over but comes to a happy conclusion: "It sounds so incredible but still – what would be if it would be true? It would… not only bring solutions to the people but it would also bring real release."

Indeed. And if you’re still in doubt, consider this:

If Anastasia exists or not can be found quite easily by reading the books: Does your heart start to speak to you or not? No worldy (sic) authority can find the answer to this question – only the reader can tell if Anastasia begins to live in himself or in herself or not.

In other words, Anastasia is kind of like Santa Claus. Except slimmer and cuter, and, of course, blonder and more naked.

And speaking of blonde, I just heard that a movie about Anastasia is in the works, with Emily Procter slated for the starring role.* (Rev and Blair, I bet I have your attention now!)

It is beyond the scope of this blog to determine whether or not Anastasia actually exists, or even whether or not she is naked. I do have a couple of big concerns, however, and for once they don’t have anything to do with me directly. Yes, I can step out of my narcissistic little bubble – for a while, anyway.

First off, even though Anastasia has inspired ecological activism in people the world over, I have real fears for the future of the Siberian woods where she reportedly lives. Hordes of gawking tourists tromping through that pristine wilderness, frantically searching for a naked blonde woman, cannot be good for its fragile ecosystem. I really think Vlad should have taken this into consideration.

My other concern is for Vlad himself and his long-term prospects for success. While the naked-blonde angle is no doubt highly marketable in the short term, the long term could be shaky for several reasons. First of all, Anastasia’s appeal is very much tied in with her physical appearance. But let’s face it; she is not getting any younger, and although at 38 she should be in her prime, sooner or later time is going to take its toll. Furthermore, living unclothed in those bitter Siberian winters can’t be very good for any woman’s skin, no matter how much in harmony with nature she is. And sometimes Russian women don’t age so well anyway. I fear that some fans are going to start raising questions about this. I guess Vlad could get by with convincing folks that Anastasia is privy to all sorts of mystical beauty secrets, that she has a handle on the Law of Attractiveness (maybe she could even could pen a couple of books on Timeless Beauty Secrets)…but sooner or later, skeptics and other literal-minded sorts are going to start having serious doubts.

So what is Vlad going to do when and if her beauty begins to fade, if only in the minds of believers? I suppose he could "discover" that she has a younger sister or a younger friend, or Anastasia herself could have a daughter who grows up to be as beautiful as she, or even more so. Or Vlad could "discover" a whole race of beautiful young naked women of the woods who reproduce by parthenogenesis or something (just to keep hairy male figures out of the picture entirely, and keep the titillation factor up). But all of these possibilities just raise more complications, credibility-wise.

Truth is, Vlad probably made a mistake by giving Anastasia a chronological age or, for that matter, making her a physical being at all.

I am really thinking he should have done his homework, or at least he should have consulted with me and paid me many American dollars to do his homework for him. I would have suggested that he take a cue from the wildly successful Esther and Jerry Hicks, or even JZ Knight. When they invented their imaginary buds – Abraham and Ramtha, respectively – they were pretty careful to avoid anything related to physicality. Sure, JZ gave a ballpark for Ramtha’s age – 35,000 years, give or take a few hundred – but that was about as specific as she got. As for Esther and Jerry, notwithstanding the photo on the cover of their new DVD, they’ve been pretty vague about Abraham’s physical appearance.

As a matter of fact, there are indications that the Hickses regret that now-famous photo, even though it was the Abe Gang’s own choice for two of them to manifest physically for the picture and now for the DVD.** Little could they have predicted the chain of events that unfolded as a result. It seems that Rhonda Byrne saw that photo when it first came out several years ago, and she confused the two simians with the famous "No-Evil" monkeys. True, there were only two monkeys in the Hicks pic, and as everyone knows, the "No-Evil" monkeys are triplets, but Rhonda was never very good with numbers. She immediately made the connection between Abraham and the "No-Evils" – and this, say some insiders, is why Rhonda’s interpretation of the Law Of Attraction focuses on teaching folks to shut their eyes and ears to unpleasant realities such as fat people, sick people, poverty, tsunamis and the like. Esther, Jerry and The Abes insist that such appalling self-absorption is not what their message is about at all. This philosophical misunderstanding is the real reason for the falling-out between Rhonda and the Hickses. Remember, you read it here first.***

Anyway, you can see the pitfalls of getting too specific when it comes to imaginary friends. That’s why I think Vlad Megre may have made a serious tactical error when fabricating Anastasia. Time will tell if his woodsy blonde has real staying power.

But just in case you’re considering going into the channeling, miracle-discovery, or revelation-receiving professions yourself, I’d recommend that you think twice before creating an imaginary friend who has any physical attributes whatsoever. Remember: the less specific you are, the more license you and your "friend" or "friends" have to create your own realities. And in the New-Wage world, the power to create realities equals big bucks. Take it from Esther, Jerry and JZ! And me.

PS ~ Here's where Anastasia made her first appearance on this Whirled.

PPS added September 2009: Vlad's Muse has once again attracted Cosmic Connie's Musings (scroll down to the final item, "Anastasia: real because thousands say she is").

PPPS ~ My fellow Texans should be pleased to know that the Anastasia craze hit Texas some time ago.

* Not really. You cannot believe everything you read on this blog.
** Naturally, this is just a joke. There are no monkeys on Esther and Jerry’s new DVD, although there are over two dozen of them in The Secret. Oh, bad, bad Connie.
*** Unfortunately, these are just more fabrications. There are some days you really can’t trust me, and this seems to be one of them.