Save the children, save your image

More and more people in the New-Wage community are manifesting great gobs of wealth by applying the serious, proven science taught in The Secret about the Law of Attraction. It just occurred to me, though, that some of the nouveau-riche celebrities in the LOA crowd might be facing some annoying image problems right about now.

It’s apparent that the most successful New-Wage leaders have mastered the art of what used to be called conspicuous consumption. And the really clever ones – the ones who are raking in the serious dough – are also practitioners of what I like to call conspicuous enlightenment.

Predictably, however, the jealous naysayers have come flying out from their dark hiding places, and some of them have taken certain New-Wage leaders to task for the simple and innocent act of repeatedly sharing the good news about their recently acquired wealth with their poorer brethren and sistren. The critics are claiming that this heartfelt sharing, which is done purely to provide inspiration to those who have yet to achieve a bragworthy level of wealth, somehow casts a bad light on the leaders. I hate to be a gloomy Gerta, but if this trend continues, it could potentially tarnish the leaders’ images – maybe not enough to seriously threaten their profit margin, but possibly enough to discourage new customers.

I know, I know: that’s simply not fair. After all, these gurus worked hard for their money.* But that’s just the way it is, and in a world where perception is everything, it just makes sense to pay close attention to one’s public persona, and fix any glitches before they get out of control. That’s why many famous people with far more money than morals spend thousands of dollars a month for professional image consultants. Well, out of the goodness of my heart, I am going to offer – for free – an invaluable suggestion to all of you New-Wage leaders who are tired of being perceived as avaricious, materialistic braggarts.

Not that there’s anything wrong with greed, I hasten to add. But let’s face it: some people find it distasteful. So the trick is to neutralize the avarice with a bit of conspicuous altruism. Hollywood stars and rock icons have known about this little trick for years.

There are several ways to practice conspicuous altruism. Certainly you could become a mouthpiece for some eco-politically correct cause. There are many to choose from, and if no existing causes appeal to you, you can make up one of your own. But just between you and me, people are getting a little tired of hearing celebrities preaching about saving Darfur or finding a cure for Asswipe syndrome or whatever. People – and by "people" I mean potential paying customers – are much more likely to be impressed by your altruism if you can demonstrate that you’re actually doing something, on an everyday basis, about the problems that concern you.

It was after reading about Angelina Jolie’s latest acquisition that I hit upon the idea I am about to share with you. Although Angelina wasn’t wrestling with the same problems that many of you New-Wage leaders are facing, she still had some public-image issues. People used to think she was a weirdo, partly because of her choice of spouse, and partly because of her taste in neckwear. Now, after dumping Billy Bob, snatching Brad from Jen – and, most of all, buying a couple of foreign kids (and traveling all the way to Africa to give birth to her own holy child) – she’s Mother Freakin’ Theresa.

I really do feel that getting into the international-adoption industry would be a perfect career/image move for you New-Wage leaders who are looking for a quick fix for your PR problems. It is also, potentially, a whole new way to cast your spell on millions of folks whom you might not otherwise be able to reach (not everyone is susceptible to hypnotic bragging, after all).

International adoption is a burgeoning trend, and I recommend that you get in now, before the field gets too crowded. You could start by purchasing a few orphans from Rwanda, if there are any remaining who haven’t attracted that pesky genocide thing. And while you’re at it, grab a couple of young’uns from different parts of Asia, Russia, Eastern Europe, etc. Then, just for good measure, you can pluck a kiddo or two from some US poverty hotspot, so no one can accuse you of ignoring the needs of children in the United States. (If you can’t find an Appalachian kid, at least try to scoop up a Katrina orphan or the child of a couple of meth-heads.**)

I understand that you may have some objections to this plan. For one thing, although I have none of my own, I have it on good authority that immature featherless bipeds can be a little messy, even after they’re paper-trained. That is certainly something to consider, but there's an easy remedy. If you don’t want the little tykes running around messing up that mansion you just bought, you could always keep them in a large enclosure, such as a Catarium. Better yet, have a special Orphanarium built. That way you can keep them out of your sight if you wish, they won’t have free run of your beautiful new digs, and you only have to go look at them when and if you feel like it.

Of course you will have to hire people to take care them – folks who will feed them, keep them clean, and read to them constantly from The Secret and your own works. (The DVD of The Secret will, of course, be playing constantly in the Orphanarium room, in order to scientifically and permanently transform the orphans’ brains.)

Naturally – and this is the most important part – they will always be let out of the Orphanarium and cleaned up extra-nice for photo ops. You can parade them before photographers and interviewers, making a big show of letting them climb all over you (the orphans, that is, not the interviewers and photographers). If you're not going to be a hands-on caretaker, you may need to hire an acting coach for the orphans so they can present a credible show of affection for you. Or, if you are skilled enough, you can simply hypnotize them into believing that they love you.

Once they get past the cute stage, you can release them from the Orphanarium and send them off to school somewhere, and replace them with new orphans if you wish.

With the right amount of IOP (International Orphan Presence), you could quickly gain a reputation of having a heart as big as your ego and your bank account. And that will just make more people love you. They will continue to love you no matter how much you brag about your multi-million dollar swankiendas, your luxury sports cars, your custom Rolexes, your Playboy models, your movie-star pals, your trips to Maui, and the fact that everyone now recognizes you in airports and public restrooms.

And when people love you, they naturally want to give you more money. It’s really that easy!

Now, admit it: You just can’t get this kind of advice anywhere else. If you liked it, or any of the other free advice on this site, please buy me an Amazon gift certificate. Better yet, send me money so I can get my credit card debt paid off. I’m about $30,000.00 away from my goal.

* Many, it should be noted, have worked hard selling tips about how you, too, can sit on your ass all day like they say they do, and still make a billion bucks a week in "passive income." And all of them are busy little bees when it comes to self-promotion. (For additional information, see Blair Warren’s Law of Extraction.)
** Re children of meth-heads: I should warn you that the top entry on the "Google search" link I provided will probably be Narconon. Do not confuse this with Narcotics Anonymous or Nar-anon. Narconon has ties with the Church of Scientology and is based on the teachings Scientology founder L. Ron Hubbard. Read what they're saying on Skeptico's blog about the Narconon/Scientology connection.