Just don’t crap in the river, okay?

Just in time for the Chinese New Year – and Happy Year Of The Pig, everyone! – I get this email from a woman inviting me to China this summer to help heal the planet and activate my intestines at the same time. The woman, an Aussie named Dr. Lilliana Corredor, is, according to her bio page on an Austrailian site called HolisticPage, "an Expert in Water, with Degrees in: Biology, Chemistry, Marine Biology, General Oceanography, Biological Oceanography and Freshwater Organisms from Universities in South America, France and Australia." (Were there at one time Freshwater Organisms in the Universities in South America, France and Australia? Someone look into this for me, okay?)

Dr. Corredor, who is said to have two decades of publication in scientific journals under her belt, left academia in 1990 and has been devoting her life since then to water-oriented environmental education campaigns. At some point on her life’s journey, she realized that healing the waters of the Earth is key to healing the Earth itself, as well as to healing "the Lovebody of Humanity," the latter of which, near as I can tell, has to do with karmic issues. Dr. Corredor even wrote a book about the subject, Healing The Water & The Emotions, which retails for $50.00 (Australian dollars, that is; that would be a little over $39.00 US at current exchange rates). She apparently gets most of her guidance in these matters from the Star Dolphins and the Higher Council of Water Beings, of whom Poseidon, God of the Sea, is one. With their help, she now leads Water Healing Tours, including the upcoming Water Healing Journey To China and Tibet.*

The focus of this tour, which takes place from July 22 through August 3 of this year, will be the Yangtze River, the longest river in Asia. I can hear Monty Python’s Eric Idle now, reciting the eloquent poem: "Oh Yangtze! / Oh Yangtze! / Beautiful River. / River full of...fish." Alas, fish are not the only things in and around the Yangtze and China. There’s that controversy with the Three Gorges Dam, f’instance. Not to mention China’s notorious history of human-rights violations, such as that unpleasantness a while back in Tiananmen Square. The place is a hotbed of historical, environmental, and karmic issues.

And that’s where Dr. Corredor and her group come in. They’re going to tackle all of those things and more. By performing daily meditations during the tour, under the guidance of the Hosts of Love & Light of course, the group will "harmonize and balance the discord generated by humanity that is accumulated in the waters of the areas visited," Dr. Corredor explains. This will also help alleviate global warming. "We anchor our love & gratefulness in the local earth & waters," Dr. Corredor says. "We consider this a small payment to Gaia, this magnificent planet that provides us with all that supports our life stream."

"But wait, Cosmic Connie," I hear you saying. "You mentioned intestines at the very beginning of this post. What does all of this have to do with my intestines?"

Well, as you probably know, next to planetary healing, the one big issue that the typical New-Wager has long been concerned about is his or her colon, and for good reason. Some researchers believe that the intestines, rather than the heart, are the seat of all emotions, and there’s some pretty compelling evidence to support that notion, such as this picture from Dr. Yakov Koyfman, an intestinal expert in the Atlanta, Georgia area. The intestines are also apparently to blame for many health problems. "In any modern person, the walls of your Small Intestine are covered with toxic mucus and stagnant bile, you get nutrient deficiency," Dr. Koyfman helpfully advises on his web site.** He will clean out all of your intestinal parts for a mere $1,200.00, or $1,080.00 if you pay in advance.

"But that still doesn’t explain what this has to do with the China Water Healing tour!" I hear you saying. Wait, I’m coming to that. At the same time that the participants in Dr. Corredor’s Water Healing Tour are tending to the Yangtze and other area landmarks, they will also be activating their intestine chakras, according to the information on the Water Healing Tour web site. This all has to do with the Lovebody thing, I think.

If you cannot understand how your intestine chakra can be activated by a group meditation, or, for that matter, how a bunch of affluent, conspicuously enlightened tourists with newly-activated intestines could possibly help heal the Yangtze, clear the discord in Tiananmen Square, and help mitigate global warming,*** you clearly have no understanding of the subtle energies at work in the Universe. Then again, I don’t understand these things either, as fans of The Secret are always trying to tell me. But it's not necessary to understand how something works in order to make it work. I'd just take Doc Corredor's word for it if I were you; after all, she got the word from the Star Dolphins and Poseidon.

Anyway, I thought you’d like to know about this great new tour op. I think it’s a wonderful chance to give something back to this old rock we call home, while helping to heal humanity’s Lovebody and working on your own intestinal issues.

And if that doesn’t work, remember, Dr. Koyfman is waiting in Georgia with his…um…instruments.

* The link, which sometimes works and sometimes doesn’t, is http://www.water-consciousness.com/china.htm.
** I sure hope you aren't reading this while you're eating dinner or something.
*** Some might argue that overly active intestines could actually contribute to global warming.