Water you doing the rest of your life?

Lately I have been getting a deluge of emails about water. It seems that good old H₂O is becoming a liquid asset for more and more new age entrepreneurs. It could be that I’m attracting all of these messages simply because I’ve written and thought about the subject so much recently. For example, in my Oct. 1 post, I blogged about a company that offers temporary tattoos specifically designed to heal or enlighten anyone or anything you stick them on. Since these tats are based on real science, according to their makers, I figured they must work. So convinced was I of their power that I was on the verge of designing a temp tat of my own to put on our kitchen faucet. I thought it might make our truly awful tap water taste better.

Now I’ve found out that I might not have to go to all that trouble. I just received an email from a company called The Spirit Of Water, and guess what they make? Water Blessing Labels. The company’s slogan is, "Transform all your water into liquid prayers." They offer a wide range of clear labels with words such as, "love," "gratitude," "miracles," "joy," "serenity," "prosperity," and "self-love."

These decals are all carefully designed to transform water, as well as whoever drinks the transformed water. You can stick them just about any place where there’s water or liquid of any kind – food jars and bottles, medicine bottles, I.V. bags, pet water, plant water, hoses, faucets, showers, bathtubs, car windows, mirrors, refrigerators, aquariums, hot tubs, oceans, etc.

Water Blessing Labels work pretty much the same way the aforementioned temp tats work – by communicating your powerful intentions to the items you stick ’em on (as well as to the Universe, of course). We already know from the works of Dr. Masaru Emoto and the movie What The Bleep Do We Know? that water is sensitive to words, just as plants were back in the 1970s when Peter Tompkins wrote that bestselling book about their secret lives. So it only makes sense that if you slap a sticker on your water, it will respond to the words on that sticker. And if you subsequently drink the water, you'll soak up whatever good intentions it absorbed from those magical words. You could just eliminate the middle man and put the stickers on your own body, I suppose, but no doubt you’re already covered with temp tats, so you might as well put the decals on your water, as the Universe intended.

And you'll be glad you did, because once you start stickering your water, your life is sure to change. As the Spirit of Water people explain it, "When you put your intentions into your water, you are putting your water in action for you. 'Water in action equals the Law of Attraction.'"

Like I said, real science.

The Water Blessing Decals come in collections of fourteen to sixteen labels, selling for $9.95 per collection (bulk discounts are available). Each collection is devoted to a specific theme; currently available are "Healing Medicine," "Prosperity" (no big surprise there), "Sacred Symbols," "Personal Growth," "Sacred Feminine," and "Feng Shui." Notably missing is the Sacred Masculine, or even the Profane Masculine, but maybe that’s coming next. The Feng Shui and Sacred Symbols collections are actually symbols rather than words, but they are every bit as effective as the word decals because they are "imbued with the purity of the spiritual tradition in art."

I know what you’re thinking, and it’s the same thing I was thinking when I first got the email: Hey, I have the font that the Water People used, or something that looks a lot like it, and I have some transparent labels and a good printer; why can’t I just make my own Water Blessing Labels? But then I dug a little deeper and discovered that the Spirit of Water folks "used an artistic and sensitive approach in selecting the right words to convey deep personal intentions." And that made me realize that since these decals are so powerful, their design is best left in the hands of sensitive, spiritually aware professionals. The only problem is, there still doesn't seem to be a decal specifically to make foul-tasting water palatable. So I may be on my own there after all.

Now, if you've tried using decals and temporary tats and your water still isn't behaving, and your life is still pretty sucky, it’s possible that your water is illiterate. You can put the most profoundly loving words on your H₂O, but if it can’t read them, you’re SOL. You could teach your water to read, I suppose, but that can be tricky. Or you could try using the symbol decals instead of the word decals, but then you might run into cultural / spiritual-illiteracy challenges. (Redneck water, for example, is unlikely to have any earthly notion about what the yin-yang sign means. And even I don’t know what most of those other symbols stand for.)

That’s where the magic of sound comes in. Even the stupidest water is likely to understand a good sacred chant. That’s why you might be interested in an upcoming workshop that promises to teach you "How To Achieve Extraordinary Vibrational Energies." Batteries are not necessary for this kind of vibrational energy; instead, the magic key is something called "Pineal Toning™," which allows you to experience "a melting of dimensional barriers."

Melting dimensional barriers has always been one of my top priorities. For a long time I’ve felt that the biggest problem facing the human race is that most of us are stuck in the third dimension, which is a shame because there are so many more dimensions, most of which are way more fun than this one. Pineal Toning™ allows us to escape the confines of the 3D world. If you’re wondering exactly what Pineal Toning is, or how it tackles those pesky dimensional barriers, I’m not quite sure. But I do know it has something to do with sound, specifically, with a chant that activates the pineal gland, which is associated with the sixth chakra or the tenth chakra, depending upon which chakra system you subscribe to. Pineal Toning, as it turns out, was developed in the lab of the good Dr. Emoto. And it must be pretty powerful, because it somehow induced Tokyo tap water to produce beautiful symmetrical crystals. This is significant because, according to Dr. Emoto’s lab, it is very difficult to get any type of crystals to form in Tokyo tap water, which apparently has a horrid reputation. Yet after a few moments of "vibrational immersion in the Pineal Tone," the Tokyo sample had been transformed from a "chaotic, polluted appearance" to an appearance that "suggests clear, healthy water." No word on if anyone drank it or not, and if so, how it tasted, but who cares? It's the appearance that counts.

And if Pineal Toning can do this for Tokyo tap water, just think what it can do for you. According to the ad, if you attend this workshop you can not only experience "intense and amplified vibrational states," but you can also "increase your awareness and abilities," and "learn to grow younger by the day." A participant in a 2005 vibration workshop said, "Again and again I found my body circling around its central axis – fast and slowly, clockwise and counter clockwise through changes of colors…and energies and all around my heart I felt little sensations, like being filled past full…" To me that sounds like a combination of good hallucinogenics and a really large sex toy, but then, what do I know?

The next Vibrational Energies workshop will be held in San Diego November 4 and 5, 2006, with an optional November 6 session. Tuition is $333 right now, but $377 after Oct. 12. Oops, that’s today, so you'd better hurry. Lunch is provided for the first two days, but tuition is reduced if you are fasting or if you are a breatharian. A breatharian is a person who doesn’t eat or drink but lives solely on light or life force or some other universal substance you probably can’t pick up at the supermarket. If that sounds like the lifestyle for you, click here for more information. But if you are interested in Pineal Toning, you will have to attend the vibrational seminar, because for some reason "these tones are only available live and in person!" Click here to sign up, or for more info send an email to seminars@gematria.com.

I didn’t see any indication that Dr. Emoto himself is going to be at the November vibrator vibration workshop, but he will be on The Ocean of Gratitude Cruise to Panama, Costa Rica and Belize this coming February 20-28. Dr. Emoto and "a host of engaging presenters" will "amplify the frequency of gratitude with practical tools, intuitive practices and experiential activities." There will be water, water everywhere, so Dr. E. and his pals will have a lot to work with, as they show you how to…

• ANCHOR Gratitude into your life with practical tools, intuitive practices and experiential activities
• EXPLORE the principles of Gratitude applied to Sacred Commerce, health, creativity and much more
• ENHANCE your ability to gracefully surf the waves of change
• EXPAND your connections within our growing family of Gratitude
• BASK in the warmth of conscious conversations, uplifting music and Caribbean sunshine
• SWIM in a bountiful ocean of fun, joy and relaxation

You will also learn how to "step into the infinite field of YES!"

Sounds like fun to me, but I think I'll have to pass, since rates start at $1,299 per person. (If you register before November 1, 2006, though, you’ll receive a $100 discount.) As for me, as soon as it stops raining here I’m going to step outside into the finite field of grass and trees and dog poop, and slap a few "clearing" and "transformation" decals on the outside of our above-ground pool. Maybe that'll get rid of the leaves and dead bug bits without the Rev and I having to actually pick up the dip nets or the pool vacuum. I’ll let you know how it goes.