Whirled Musings

Across the Universe with Cosmic Connie...or maybe just through the dung-filled streets and murky swamps of pop culture -- more specifically, the New-Age/New-Wage crowd, pop spirituality & religion, pop psychology, self(ish)-help, business babble, media silliness, & related (or occasionally unrelated) matters of consequence. Hope you're wearing boots. (By the way, the "Cosmic" bit in my moniker is IRONIC.)

Friday, March 30, 2007

Cosmic Connie is on CSI

No, not that CSI, although The Rev and I are big fans of the show in its various incarnations.*

No, this CSI is the Committee for Skeptical Inquiry, formerly CSICOP, publishers of Skeptical Inquirer. A few months ago I rattled their cage and was asked to write a piece about my experiences with The Secret fans on my blog. It turned out to be a little long-winded for the magazine (I had my head up my you-know-what and neglected to read their author guidelines), but a condensed version has just been put up on the CSI web site. It’s still long, but believe me, it’s not as long as it was. Click here to read.

You will notice that my picture in the author bio section is not blue. That, I believe, is because the lighting is better on the CSI web site. I think that is the light of reason.

And if you like the free articles on the CSI site, you don’t need to send me or them an Amazon gift certificate. Instead, why not subscribe to Skeptical Inquirer? In fact, why not take out multiple subscriptions, and place a copy in every healthcare practitioner’s waiting room where you see a copy of Oprah’s magazine? Just for the fun of it.

* Except we don’t much care for CSI Miami star David Caruso and his soft-spoken, head-tilting delivery of every line. I don't care what Parade Magazine's pop-culture expert "Walter Scott" says; that's not acting, it's affectation. However, we do love the other stars of the show; I'm kind of partial to Adam Rodriguez myself, and I must say The Rev does have an interesting fantasy involving Emily Proctor and me…oh, wait, this isn’t that kind of blog.

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Thursday, March 29, 2007

Feed the world

"Give a man The Secret, and you have fed him for today. Teach a man that The Secret is only the beginning, and you have a steady income stream for a lifetime."
~ Cosmic Connie*

My email "in" box, not to mention my poor Whirled brain, are just overflowing with deliciously juicy tidbits – a veritable smörgåsbord of Secret-related morsels. I really and truly need to get back onto more important topics, such as the upcoming end of the world, my religious background, and other matters of consequence, but The Secret just keeps popping up on the buffet table. So if you can stand another helping, today's specials are...

Secretrons grow a conscience (or, a Panoz Esperante in every garage?)
The ever vigilant
Tony Michalski has alerted me to an interesting discussion on Marcy from Maui’s Powerful Intentions forum, regarding the poor and disadvantaged. Yes, I know that we’re not really supposed to "give energy" to unpleasant things, lest they find their way to our front door step. But sometimes, despite our most noble efforts, and the efforts of the New-Wage leaders who are only looking out for our best interests, that bothersome conscience gets in the way.

That’s what happened to the woman who started the PI forum thread. She had a most disturbing thought while playing a Secret video clip on her computer, a clip that she says she always plays while she talks to God:

Today it hit me hard. Here I am asking for all these things and I wonder what the poor and disadvantaged people of the world are doing this very moment. The misery they are in. The misery they deal with each minute of the day. What about the poor people in Darfur Africa who are being macheted and murdered by the thousands. What about the starving in Biafra and other parts of the world. What about the abused children. The handicapped, etc.

Do I have a right to be asking for things that I need when there are situations like this in the world? I read these forums and I see how people are trying so hard to manifest a new car, or $1,000,000, or a new soulmate, or new jewelry, etc. and I felt immediately guilty for even asking for the things I want.

Doesn't guilt such as this result in a negative vibration and therefore block us from receiving what we desire to receive? Do I have a right to ask for such things when there are other people in the world suffering so much? Can I ask for food for everyone, clothes for the homeless, cures for the diseased, peace for those in war ravaged countries? I don't know. Maybe we should all join with a massive group intent some night at a specific time and send our vibrations en mass to the Universe to resolve these problems.

What’s a gal to do when such dark thoughts enter her rosy world? Well, it turns out she needn’t have worried. Her question has already been answered. See, it’s possible to have the new car, the million bucks, the bling, and the new soulmate – and still be able to go out and save the world!

But you have to look out for number one. The first responder to the thread got it right: "Don't feel guilty! Once you manifest your wealth, you can share it with the disadvantaged. Look at Oprah!"

Bubbly Marcy, hostess of this LOA Tupperware party, piped in:

I do not believe calling people, any people poor and disadvantaged does them any service!

To me that is a judgment and i am certain there are many people who may have alot of money and stuff but are no more happy or healthy or even less than many people that are called poor or disadvantged (sic) by others.

I would never choose to think that a child that saw it's (sic) family killed would never get to see the Secret, or anything else that can serve them that can sooth them back to their connection! To me that would be holding them, in my mind, to a place where they can not feel better or align.**

And Mr. Fire, writing on his blog the other day, got it right as well: "After you've manifested a car or two, or more money, or a better relationship, you start expanding your desires. There are already numerous people in the world doing just that: using the Law of Attraction to cure cancer, AIDS, poverty, and more." (He’s working on erasing homelessness and poverty, both of which he has experienced.)

So, folks, don’t worry, be happy. Focus on that new car, that first million bucks, that diamond necklace, that trophy soulmate. The poor and the sick will always be there. But your opportunity to get in on the ground floor of that exciting new Internet-based business – the opportunity that could very well bless you with the life of your dreams – could disappear tomorrow. So you must act now!

The Secret helps woman get big new rack
In my ceaseless wanderings around the Net (more specifically, around Marcy’s wonderful PI forum, which Tony aptly describes as "comedy plutonium"), I found a reference to a
January 30, 2007 article by Kimberley Hayes Taylor in The Detroit News.

According to the article, "The spiritual film has been distributed to every country in the world, [Rhonda] Byrne says, including 6 million copies in Africa."

Who says the producers of The Secret don’t care about those starving, war-weary, and possibly AIDS-infected waifs? The Secret will save them all.

The article quotes a skeptic who says The Secret is vapid and possibly dangerous, but Hayes ends on a high note, with an example of a person who tells how The Secret changed her outlook on life.

Aldonna "Godis" Smith watched the movie for the first time about two months ago. In small, simple ways, she says all her desires are being fulfilled. For example, Smith wanted a tall garment rack for her loft. A few days after she thought about it, a neighbor coincidentally called to ask if she needed a tall garment rack.

"It's so pertinent," says the Detroit photographer. "I believe this is what people call revelation times, and it's a time for truth. This truth is coming forward."

And you thought the Law Of Attraction wasn't scientific. You...you...you...SKEPTIC, you!

How do you say "Neener, neener, neener!" in a robotic monotone?
Tony tipped me off to another tidbit, this one from
USA Today. The article contains quite a few critical quotes, not the least of which come from a main source of Rhonda’s original inspiration, Esther and Jerry Hicks and their imaginary buds, the Abe Gang. This is probably one of the few times the Abe Gang has spoken to a reporter.

Hicks and her husband, Jerry, have written about the so-called law of attraction — the "secret" that was the focal point of The Secret DVD. But contractual issues find the couple, and their Abraham entity, excised from the version now circulating.

No worries, they say. They're happy to stay on the road and pass on Abraham's keys to better living through the power of the mind.

"The secrets of life have never been a secret. It's like calling the law of gravity a secret," says Abraham via Esther Hicks, whose normally lilting twang suddenly takes on a robotic tone.

"People have been calling Jerry and Esther, saying, 'I have bought The Secret, but now what do I do?'

"The truth is, The Secret is merely a powerful catalyst that presents the possibility of a better life," says the monotone voice. "Abraham is smiling in the simple knowledge that, in truth, The Secret has not revealed 'the secret.'"

But I’m sure that Jerry, Esther, and Abe will, for the right price, take up the slack.

Starstruck Secretrons
It is very easy to get lost in the aforementioned Powerful Intentions forum, but every wrong turn is really a right turn. It isn’t luck that brings me to the odd thread here and there; it’s the Law Of Attraction! Wherever I go, I was meant to be there! In my wanderings today I came across a snippet from a male member named Chris, a self-described "citizen of the world" who, judging from his profile pic, is also a literal tree-hugger. This post was written
last August, during the Tahoe Reno International Film Festival. It was at this festival that The Secret movie had its official world premiere. Chris writes:

Tonight I found myself at the Tahoe Independent Film Festival, but I felt like I was more at a rock concert when saw Rhonda Byrne, Rev. Michael Beckwith D.D. and Bob Proctor walk through the door. In fact I acted like I was at a rock concert. I was screaming their names as they walked in for the World Premiere of The Secret and the kick off of my Law of Attraction Tour!

Take a moment to think about this. Here is a middle-aged man SCREAMING for Rhonda "Let Them Eat The Secret" Byrne, Michael "Zormak" Beckwith, and Love That Bob. They must have been passing around some REALLY good drugs at that festival. Either that, or The Secret is even more insidious than I’d thought.

Well, that's it for today's buffet. I hope it didn't cause too much heartburn. Now let's all get back to manifesting the bright shiny objects of our dreams, and maybe while we're at it we can help manifest a square meal for someone who really needs it.

* You will, I hope, pardon my use of the male gender pronoun; I was simply trying to remain true to the original saying.
** Pssst, Marcy! Maybe if you had been more willing to exercise a little JUDGMENT, you wouldn't have been taken in by Tilak.

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Wednesday, March 28, 2007

Amazon, Shamazon


Warning: This is another one of those "soapbox" posts…well, sort of. I promise I’ll get back to gratuitous potshots and general silliness soon.

Last year Steve Salerno got taken to task for writing so much on his SHAMblog about apparent irregularities in Amazon.com’s reader review process. Some of Steve’s faithful readers told him he was beginning to sound like a man obsessed, and Steve says he’s pretty sure that Amazon wasn’t too happy with him either. Many of his posts centered around a suspicious reviewer writing under the name Marilyn R. Barry and a certain bestselling author who goes by the name Dr. Phil; you can read the saga for yourself.

The larger point, of course, was the lack of integrity in a system that would allow the planting of positive reviews – and the systematic culling of negative ones – for the works of a bestselling author. What was even more disturbing was that so many of us (and I was one of them, for a while) just seemed to accept that as "the way things are." More than one person wrote to Steve and implied that he was naïve for ever thinking that Amazon’s reader review system was, or should be, on the up-and-up. What they were really saying was that expecting total integrity from Amazon reviews is sort of like expecting politicians to be honest.

Supposedly Amazon cleaned up their act a bit and tightened up their reader-review policy (perhaps partly in response to Steve's relentless prodding? Who knows?). But apparently there’s still a problem, and it has reared its head again in the wake of the stupendously successful infomercial and companion book, The Secret. The problem seems to be related to something we’ve known for some time now: you can poke and prod at the cash cows – of which The Secret is emphatically one of the most productive in recent history – but you can’t do anything that the milkers fear would seriously impede the milk flow.

I’ve had some private correspondence with people who have first-hand information about certain successful self-help authors and the underhanded way they play the Amazon reviews. In fact, just about everyone who has any experience with authors and Amazon probably has a story.* I’ve also received some public posts, such as this one from a new supporter named Paulette Paglia, who wrote in response to one of my (fairly) recent blog posts:

Dear Cosmic Connie,

Thank you so much for your incredibly informative Blog on those behind The Secret.

I borrowed the book from a friend after having been completely disgusted by the DVD (which I managed to see on-line before they pulled it) - I found the book is equally disturbing.

I'm usually not one for conspiracy theories but have to mention that I have tried (unsuccessfully) to post a 1 star review of The Secret (book) on Amazon.

First I was informed that I cannot include URL's (yet Janet Boyer did - Her "spotlight" review is the one you've posted here). So I edited my review, removing the URL. It never posted.

A week later, I inquired as to why it had not & was told my review was "too long". I was advised to edit & resubmit which I did & it still did not post.

I would like to add that my review fell well within the guidelines of Amazon. In fact, if you notice Boyer's review is close to 1,000 words (maybe more) & she has a URL included in her review. Yet her glowing review (which is actually in large part for the DVD - she's quite critical of the book but her review is confusing imho) was permitted.

So I tried again. My review is about 500 words, contains no profanity & I list several quotes directly from the book itself. Yet again - it did not post.

So after asking why this was I was now informed that my review is an "opinion" piece & not a "critical" review of the book.

I cannot help but think that if I am having difficulty submitting a 1 star review of the book then so too are many others. I also think that perhaps the editor (Byrne) or the publishers are planting a lot of the positive reviews.

Someone who managed to get his 1 star review of the book posted emailed me saying he knows for a fact that Joe Vitale pays reviewers to write positive reviews of his books & that he wouldn't doubt if something similar isn't happening with The Secret.

However, their are quite a few negative reviews of the dvd on Amazon. I believe both spotlight reviews of the dvd are extremely negative. So I don't know?

I've submitted reviews in the past & while all my 5 star reviews immediately post my only other 1 star review (of the ridiculously pathetic book The Isaiah Effect by Gregg Braden) took a week to post & only posted after I emailed Amazon asking them why it wasn't up yet.

If anyone is interested I just posted my review in the "Discussion" section of The Secret under the title 'My Censored Review of The Secret'.

Paulette has also drawn my attention to some of the behind-the-scenes info about Amazon’s "top reviewers," citing an article on Forbes.com about the "secret life" of an online reviewer.

I’m not one for conspiracy theories either, but something does still seem a little off-kilter about this whole thing. I popped on over to an Amazon discussion on Secret star Joe Vitale’s book, The Attractor Factor (currently ranked at #767 in Books) and saw evidence of the same patterns that had Paulette and Steve so riled up:

A reviewer named Danielle Adams wrote:

I also posted my 2 star review on this book and it lasted a week. When I could not find it, I contacted the customer service with the request to explain this matter to me and provide me with the name of the person who was actually responsible for removing my post. Within a day my review was back on the list but with partially removed content. In that "forbidden" for public eye content I suggested that most of the positive reviews here on Amazon were actually posted by J.V. affiliates who support him. Large network of supporters and cross promoters who plant 5 stars reviews make this book a bestseller.

Anyway, I suggest you do the same. Contact the customer service.

(Added on Apr.20)

Amazon has a policy about review content and there is a thin borderline between "permitted" opinion and "forbidden" one. Basically, if you want your negative review to last, you gotta check against the policy. And again, if it gets removed - do not let it go, ask customer service.

Then there was this, from John Frost:

I too wrote a 2-star review, which was posted, and then removed within a day. I posted another one, and it has now been up close to 24 hours.

I never contacted customer service about the first one, but I suspect it was pulled after someone read it and complained about my suggestion that Vitale was "suckering" customers into paying $1500 and up for his e-mail courses whenever he needed a new car, or a new country estate. It would probably be more accurate to say that the students were suckers, not that Vitale suckered them, since I have no reason to believe JV is dishonest.

I find it hard to believe, though, that an amazon employee just happened to read that post and decide it was inappropriate--they cannot possibly post a vast enough staff to screen every single review, and, indeed, most of my reviews are posted immediately. It seems to me more than a little probably that there is a persistent and organized effort on somebody's part to get negative reviews pulled. A devious way around this, of course, is to write a fairly good review, and just give the book one star. Devious...but no more devious than trying to influence Amazon into keeping the star-rating up.

One reviewer going by the name of NotoriousSEG wrote:

i wrote a one-star review of this sham of a book and suprise! it's gone. this makes me VERY skeptical of amazon's rating system in general.

In response, a reviewer named David Houk wrote:

The Amazon rating system is being gamed by professional marketers-Vitale, Mark Victor Hansen Jack Canfield to name only very few. How do I know -I have been on the receiving end of their marketing campaigns to set up their books for bestsellers & to get 5-star ratings. There is even a course offered on how to do this.

Pay close attention and you will start to notice the same names as testemonials (sic) in/on various books and on Amazon- many of these are authors or marketers who cross promote each other. As marketers they seem to feel anything is fair game to sell more of their products. As noted on another post- now while setting up their marketing campaigns they are advising to give a mixed but positive review so as not to appear so obvious!

I should note that although this discussion was begun nearly a year ago, the last two remarks were posted in February and March of this year.

This isn’t a new issue, of course, and I suspect it’s not going to be resolved overnight. But maybe if enough folks wake up to it Amazon will clean up their policies even more. (Oh, please don't send me missives about flying pigs and frozen devils; let me cling to the precious little bit of idealism I possess.) When shopping for a book, CD or DVD, I still peruse Amazon's reader reviews myself, but now I read them with an eye for possible agendas. And I think that’s something we all should do.

Recognizing that this blog post is based largely on speculation (though there's a large body of public opinion in support of that speculation), I welcome dissenting opinions or corrections from Amazon or from any of the bestselling authors whom others have suspected of "gaming" the Amazon reviews.

One more point before I close: I do not condone the slurs about the physical appearance of the Secret star mentioned in some of the Amazon discussions. In my opinion these comments detract from the debate. Actions and teachings, products and books, are fair game, but I draw the line at making fun of people’s weight or other appearance issues, particularly when they have seriously tried to do something about their problem (and in this case, have succeeded). Yes, I do occasionally make fun of hair and clothes and general weirdness, but these are things people can usually control much more easily than weight.

* And many of us have written positive reviews for friends' books on occasion. That's a fairly common practice. But that's not where my complaint lies. Doing an occasional or one-time favor for a friend is not the same as systematically "planting" good reviews, censoring bad ones, and doing other underhanded things to increase the average rating of a book or other product. Conversely, planting bad reviews for the product of a competitor (or someone you just don't like) is just as bad; I've seen evidence of this as well.

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Tuesday, March 27, 2007

Move over, Santa Baby and God!

I am beginning to wonder if maybe the Secretrons have decided to turn the tables on us non-Secret fans. I think they might be messing with our heads. In fact, maybe they’ve been messing with us all along, testing us to see how far they can go and still make us believe that they are really as gullible as they are coming across. Maybe they are just playing gullible, and we’re the gullible ones.

Tony Michalski has just alerted me to yet another site, The Universe Catalog. Well, it's not really a full-blown website; it's just a simple online order form where you can obtain "every experience & product that you could dream of...ordering is free, it just requires your trust that I, the universe, will deliver your order. Alot of you are confused and don't trust my delivery method, which is why your products don't get to you! My delivery method is fueled by TRUST. Put any name/city you like, I know who you are or who you intend to give to... So with that in mind - Place your order, and Remember - Your wish is my command."

Hey, that’s even better than the Universal Check that you can get on The Secret web site. Instead of trying to manifest money to get something you want, you can go right to the source and ask the horse, so to speak!

It goes without saying that the Universe Catalog was inspired by The Secret, with its magic "your-wish-is-my-command" genie, and, more specifically, by Secret star Joe "Mr. Fire" Vitale’s now-famous statement about the Universe as a mail-order catalog. And although I couldn’t get anywhere in a "whois" search, I’m pretty sure that the Universe Catalog site was put up by a real hoaxer. It's a joke, in other words. And a funny one.

On the other hand, in today’s confusing world, you never know. The perpetrator could be a real Secret fan who, even if s/he might say it's "all in fun," honestly believes that the order form will work – the way children believe letters to Santa will work, or the way all of those folks who write letters to God, c/o the P.O. box of their favorite scamming televangelist, will work.

Or it could be a New-Wage huckster who's trying to give his or her mailing list a boost.

Or...oh, hey...it could really be the Universe Itself, making it easier than ever to place your order!

Naturally, the new Universe Catalog has them buzzing on Marcy from Maui’s Powerful Intentions Forum. A man who goes by the screen name Nábru (NewAgeBrillianceRapidlyUnfolding) started the thread by providing the link. One woman responded, "fun! i ordered a personal paradise package ;) and added on an infusion of radiant vibration!* i am glowing....i used instant delivery!"

Several others were equally enthusiastic. And then there was this lady, who wrote: "I'd be more receptive if my name and where I live weren't required. No thanks."

See, that’s what I mean about the Secretrons’ messing with our heads. NOBODY COULD BE THAT…well…I don't want to come out and use the word "stupid," but I'm thinking it, know what I mean?

One person did offer a "workaround" for the lady concerned about her privacy: Use a fake name and address, because the Universe knows your real name and where you really live. Heck, the guy who started the thread even said right off that you don't have to use your real name and address. Even the order form itself says you don't have to use your real name and address.

This, of course, just raises the question of why you would even need to fill out an online form if the Universe is so ding-dang smart. Oh, wait, I forgot: it's all in fun. And filling out online forms is fun.

I'd like to mention that our friend Nábru, he of the New Age brilliance, is also a brilliant song writer. He thoughtfully alerted readers of the Universe Catalog thread to another thread he’d started.

Inspired Thought ATTN: Rhonda Byrne - MUST READ -

I noticed that in your vision for the secret you put
"I saw a number one song of The Secret sweeping the world and touching and inspiring everyone."

I realised the other day, I have that song. I've had it for years!! I am a producer/writer, and I have a song called Nature Knows which I wrote a couple of years back for Gwen Stefani – it perfectly encompasses The Secret in its lyrics. I also produced the track, which I still have full intention to give to Gwen Stefani, as it is her style. Seriously the song is great, it's very clever, I wrote, produced and recorded it when I was 19.

[sample lyrics:]

Hey there's this woman with us, feeling confused and suspicious
We tried to comfert (sic) her the best we could but it wont (sic) surface"
I replied, "Yeah look mate, sorry I'm not feeling great,
My partner just left me, emotions are controlled by hate"
They all dead stopped and said that "if you hate then thats our fate"
"Your very feelings are the essence in which we create…"

The problem, Nábru, is that Gwen Stefani’s style isn’t exactly Secretronic. But let me welcome you, anyway, to the exciting world of songwriting! As it happens, I wrote an inspiring song too. It is not about The Secret specifically, but it is kind of related. The tune’s not original but the lyrics are. An earlier, rougher version appeared on Blair Warren’s blog (we songwriters know that every song is always a work in progress), but the revised version can be viewed here (it's the first post on the page).

Well, that’s it for now. I’m off to place my order with the Universe, and then I just gotta get back to work. Maybe I'll write some more songs, too, in my spare time.

PS - Speaking of Santa, it's good to know we can always turn to him when we get to the point where dealing with the entire Universe seems too overwhelming, or when it seems that God just doesn't care. I just found some info about a really cool book, The Ultimate Wish Book for Grown-ups: How to Use the Magic of Santa to Create Your Dreams.

"Wishes for love, health, financial freedom, a fabulous home or career – even simple wishes like nice weather for a picnic – are coming true everyday for people just like you," says the publisher. Isn't it time you learned to tap into your inner Saint Nick?

* One can't help wondering if the source of the "radiant vibration" was powered by a C battery.

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Monday, March 26, 2007

Secret hotties: Zormak v. the Ray Gun


In a post on his SHAMblog last November, Steve Salerno wrote about Larry King’s first infomercial on The Secret. One of the guests on that segment was, as Steve described him, "the surreally weird Dr. Michael Beckwith, who, in dress, speech, mannerisms and overall demeanor looked as if his birth-name might really be Zormak From The Planet Woosabi-6."

Steve, it pains me to tell you this, but Zormak is now one of the hottest hunks on Planet Earth. Or at least he’s hot on the planet where the participants in Marcy From Maui’s Powerful Intentions forum live.

My friend Tony Michalski alerted me to a recent thread on that forum titled, "Michael Beckwith is HOT!"

One woman started the ball rolling by asking, "Is it me or does anyone else think he is super sexy? (the week is over and I'm feeling silly!!!) I still do think he is hot, even when I'm not feeling silly!"

The first responder agreed: "Of all those teachers who appeared on Oprah, I found him to have the most charisma, make the most sense, and radiate the most peace."

And another: "Oh I agree, I agree. Michael Beckwith is hypnotically sexy."

One lady added, "I personally heard Oprah tell Michael he was her favorite! I think his pure spirit shines through and makes him VERY attractive. Maybe the closer to source the better looking we get! ONE can hope! LOL!"

Hey, I like a guy with dreads as much as the next gal. But Zormak? Sorry, not my style.

I have to keep in mind that perhaps some of these ladies were a bit disillusioned by the Three Amigos MLM scheme (which is now, of course, the Two Amigos scheme). Maybe their opinion of Beckwith has been enhanced by the fact that he apparently had the integrity to back out of it. (If, indeed, that was what really happened. Remember, not everything you read on this blog is the – pardon the expression – gospel truth. Some of it is just speculation.)

In any case, it seems that Zormak has some competition in the hottie contest: James Earl Ray. No, wait, I mean, James Arthur Ray. Some of the ladies on the Beckwith forum chimed in with observations that Ray has that bad-boy-turned-good thing going: the roguish smile, the twinkle in his eye, all those things that can turn even the most conspicuously enlightened woman’s thoughts to her second chakra.

So what’s a gal to do if she wants to hook up with one of these guys? Well, first of all, ladies, keep in mind that they may already be attached. But if that’s not a concern for you, or if you just want to be in the presence of these mighty men to enhance your own spirito-sexual growth, there are several steps you can take.

You could just try manifesting the Secret Stud of your choice into your boudoir, but if that doesn’t work, no problem. If it’s Zormak who gets you going, simply move to L.A. and start attending his Agape International Spiritual Center. Piece o’cake.

If the Ray Gun is more your style, the good news is that you have tons of choices, and they really won’t cost you all that much, considering what you could possibly get in return. I went onto Ray’s Events Page and saw a list of some of his most important workshops. I’m pretty sure that he would suggest you take all of them. Here they are, along with their prices, where known:

  • Harmonic Wealth Weekend: There is no indication on the web site about the cost of this one, but it could be the famous $997.00 deal everyone’s talking about. Somebody correct me if I’m wrong.
  • Creating Absolute Wealth: The blurb says, "Don't you and your family deserve this? Sign up for Creating Absolute Wealth for only $3,495.00 per person."
  • Quantum Leap: "You owe it to the rest of your life to get to Quantum Leap as quickly as you can. The investment is ONLY $3,495.00 per person."
  • Modern Magick: "Now is the time! Increase your spiritual and practical power to create everything you desire... All for just $5695!" Matter of fact, Ray seems to have created an entirely new web site for Modern Magick; it’s that important. He says, "By the way, we only hold this unique event once per year, and attendance is strictly limited. As of now, there are only a handful of spots left. Please click here immediately so you can learn more and make your decision, before someone else makes it for you."
  • Practical Mysticism: "You owe it to the rest of your life to get to Practical Mysticism as quickly as you can. The investment is ONLY $5695 per person."
  • Spiritual Warrior: "You owe it to the rest of your life to get to Spiritual Warrior as quickly as you can. The investment is ONLY $7695 per person."

I don't know about you, but it sounds to me as if we owe the rest of our lives a hell of a lot of money.

Ray is also hosting a special event called "The Quickening,:" to be held in Kona, Hawaii Apr 23-April 27, 2007. There’s no word yet on the cost of that one, or even what it is (the link lead me to the Creating Absolute Wealth page). But the web site does indicate that The Quickening is "By Invitation Only." So if you want to get called to Kona, I’d suggest you get yourself into Ray’s inner circle P.D.Q.

So who will win the Secret Hunk face-off? Will it be Zormak or the Ray Gun? Or will it be wild-card contender Bob Proctor? (Yes, one of the ladies on Marcy’s forum actually suggested good old Bob.) Or will it be someone else entirely? I can’t wait to find out.

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Sunday, March 25, 2007

"You’ve never metaphysician like me!"

I’ve lived in Houston nearly all my life, but until last night I had never had the pleasure of seeing one of the Bayou City’s greatest musical treasures, Beans Barton and the Bi-Peds, in action. Dale "Beans" Barton is both a performance artist and a visual artist, but that simple description doesn’t even begin to do justice to the madcap live performances of Beans and his band. He refers to these performances – which are enhanced by a captivating tribal belly-dance troupe, assorted loony characters and his own manic narrative – as "rock and role" shows. And the emphasis is on the rock as much as the roles, because mixed in with all that craziness is some damn fine music.

It’s all for a good cause, too (beyond the eminently noble one of having a bloody marvelous time): during each show Beans creates a painting, which is auctioned off at the end of the performance, with all proceeds donated to the Houston Food Bank.

Last night was Beans Barton and the Bi-Peds’ 21st anniversary concert at Dan Electro’s Guitar Bar in Houston. The Rev thought it would be good therapy for the two of us after the rough week we’ve had dealing with my mother’s hospitalization, frantic work deadlines and other problems. And he was right.

The theme of the show was "In The Feet Of The Night" – eerie, since my mom just had a foot operation. Plus, I hate shoes, and go barefoot as often as I can. In fact I immediately kicked off my flip-flops as soon as I settled onto my bar stool, and I spent most of the night barefoot. Well, as they say in the New-Wage world, there are no coincidences. Some might speculate that the "Feet" theme might have had something to do with the fact that Beans' band is called The Bi-Peds, but I know better. It was all about me, and what's going on in my life. After all, as they also say, when the student is ready, the teacher will appear.

Even if he shows up in a larva costume.

One of the main things most people notice about Beans is his curious obsession with the insect world, which is kind of odd, considering that insects are hexapeds, not bipeds. But once again I believe this has something to do with me, since my first career aspiration as a child was to be an entomologist. As a kid I was crazy about bugs of every variety. I was especially fascinated with larvae of all kinds. I don’t like insects so much anymore, with the notable exceptions of click beetles and a few other insect families, but there are definitely bugs in my background.*

But enough about me. Let’s talk for a moment about Beans, who is famous for slithering and dancing his way onto the stage in a huge larva suit, under which are several squirming belly dancers and other members of the troupe. Last night he did not disappoint, and he gleefully carried the insect theme through the performance; the first song of the set was what seemed to be a moth's suicide warning ("I might bite the light tonight!").

Now, lest you think I’ve veered way off topic with this post, hold on. There is a connection, after all, ’tween Beans and my little Whirled, for at one point during his frenzied narrative, Beans (or a character he had assumed) announced that he is a metaphysician.

"You’ve never metaphysician like me!" he added.

And I have to admit he was right.

Today's world, as you know, is full of metaphysicians,** many of whom offer a wide range of products and services and workshops and sessions that could very well set you back thousands and thousands of good American dollars. I'm not saying these people aren't very, very good at what they do;*** I'm just saying that some of them are rather costly. By contrast, the session with Houston’s craziest metaphysician only cost $10.00 per head.

And I came out of it feeling better than I’ve felt in a very long time. Thank you, Beans, and most of all, thank you, Ron.

PS – Ron and I were honored to attend the Beans bash with two other musicians and good friends of ours, Bill and Kathleen Gibson. Bill is a member of the Citykings and Kathleen does backup vocals and percussion for the band. I am still rooting for the Citykings' reggae-influenced "Some Guy Out On The Street" to be a theme song for a TV series or movie someday soon. It’s a catchy tune and I can’t get enough of it! David E. Kelley or Jerry Bruckheimer, are you reading this?!?

Click here to hear more song samples and buy the Citykings album, Four Lifetimes.

Y'know... Houston may not be Austin, but as long as we have the Citykings and Beans, I’m in heaven.

*And some would say there are bats in my belfry too. But I'm sure it's just an inner-child issue.
** As well as many opportunities to purchase the degrees that will allow you, too, to become a metaphysician!
*** Such as getting you to give them your money.

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A real apology this time

Sometimes in my attempts to be clever I get carried away. This was the case yesterday when I made a gratuitous comment about Joe Sugarman, world-famous marketer and copywriter (he's the BluBlocker king) and his lovely bride Leila. I speculated that Joe had availed himself of a mail-order bride service. I was reading between the lines on one of Marcy From Maui's blog posts, and obviously I misread this time.


I published Joe's response in the comments section of yesterday's post but wanted to place it here too so it would be more visible. Joe wrote:
No my bride was not obtained on line or off line. I was a judge at the Miss Hungary beauty pageant and she was a contestant. She won. The prize: Ten days on Maui as my guest. The rest is history.
So it was an old-fashioned romance after all, and here's a link to a story from the Maui Weekly that proves it. Once again, Joe and Leila, I apologize. Mea culpa.

And I apologize to the rest of y'all too for my misstatement. There are enough real targets in the New-Wage world, after all. (Such as Tilak, who probably owes the Sugarmans, and Marcy, and very possibly the entire island of Maui a huge apology...)

Saturday, March 24, 2007

Jack and Bob: the show must go on

I dropped in on one of the threads on Marcy From Maui’s Powerful Intentions forum – you know, the one where they’re discussing the Three…make that Two Amigos Science of Getting Rich (SGR) seminar. (As I noted in my previous post, the Reverend Michael Beckwith seems to have gone missing*; he’s left philosopher Bob Proctor (who performed so brilliantly in his interview for the March 23 Nightline) and Chicken Soup chef Jack Canfield holding the (money)bag.) But the show must go on…even without Reverend Michael, and even with the possibility of Rhonda Byrne’s attorneys rattling their sabers.

Anyway, one participant in the Powerful Intentions forum offered a link to one of the "lessons" included in the SGR seminar. This lesson covers the Energy Redirection Technique, which Jack and Bob say is really simple. All you have to do, when faced with a bad situation, is to think of a way to turn it into an exciting challenge.

"Now, we're not saying you need to forget or ignore the negative event," say Jack and Bob. "That can sometimes be very hard to do."

Wow. Who says these rich guys don’t understand the rest of us?

"But by finding a challenge, a goal – something that can motivate and inspire you – you now re-allocate a large chunk of your energy away from the negative thoughts," they continue.

To illustrate how beautiful and simple this is, Jack and Bob offer a few examples of negative situations that, with a little creativity, you can turn into a good old time.

Bed-Ridden in Hospital: Decide that you're going to use this free time to learn something fun, say a new language. Now you're thinking about a new skill rather than focusing on your illness.

My mom fell and broke her left hip last week and had to have surgery. The next day it was discovered she had a bad infection in her right foot that necessitated her having to have a toe amputated. Although she is out of the hospital, she is now bedridden in a rehab joint and, frankly, I think she’s a little bit too focused on her suffering. So I’m rushing out to buy some books and tapes, and by golly, I’m going to make her learn Portuguese this week, and maybe a little Russian next week. I think the challenge will be good for both of us!

Got Laid Off: Set a goal to find a job that pays you 25% more than your previous job. Think about this new job and stop thinking about being laid off. Start job hunting. Do not hold any negative feelings towards your boss for laying you off. Instead, think of him as having done you a favor because you're now going to find a better job.

That’s it! Now I am really beginning to get excited, and I bet you are too, especially if you actually have gotten laid off. Just go out and find yourself another job. Why didn't you think of that? Well, I guess that's why they're Jack and Bob, and you're not. But why stop at a salary of 25% more than your other miserable job? How about hundreds of percentage points more? It’s easy!

Someone Owes You Money and Refuses to Pay Up: Forgive them. As long as you hold a grudge, you're telling the Universe that you've lost money. And indeed, you'll attract the loss. Instead, set a goal to earn twice the amount of money you've lost.

And if you are beginning to feel you got screwed for spending nearly two thousand bucks for this Science of Getting Rich course, you are just attracting more loss to yourself. Buck up and forgive Jack and Bob for swindling you. Then give them more money, with the idea in mind that the Universe will have even more for you to give them soon!

Got Dumped: Decide that you'll find a new love. Someone better suited to you. Make a list of all the qualities you'd love to see in your ideal mate. Now focus on meeting this new person.

Remember that Joe "Mr. Fire" Vitale said it’s as easy as flipping through a catalog and placing your order. In fact if you are a man, there really are online catalogs where you can buy yourself a very nice Filipino, Russian, or Eastern European bride. (I may be wrong but I believe this is what BluBlocker King Joe Sugarman did. There I go again, reading between the lines.) Or you can buy any number of books and audio products by "seduction experts" who will teach you how to pick up women.

Granted, if you happen to be a heterosexual woman this might not be the best option, but if you live in a city of any reasonable size, there are single men on every street corner holding up cardboard signs. They are just waiting for you to stop and talk to them!

Lost a Business Due to Bankruptcy: Use your creative hat. Decide that you're going to rebuild a new business and regain your financial freedom. Set a goal to earn 3 times what you previously had. Bonus Points: Decide that you're going to earn so much more than you'll be able to repay all your debts - even though you legally may not have to.

This is the best advice I have seen anywhere in a very long time. If you do not have a creative hat you can buy one at any party-supply store or even your local dollar store. Put your hat on and get busy setting goals and manifesting. The best way to start manifesting is by sending me at least $10,000.00 USD so I can start getting my own debts paid off. I will be so happy that my happiness will eventually trickle down to you. And you will then be so happy that perhaps you’ll be motivated to find a really good job, or even start your own Internet-based business. So c’mon, what are you waiting for? Start redirecting that negative energy.

"It’s really that easy!"

* My pal Tony Michalski just sent me a link to this blog, in which a Secretron pleads with the Reverend Beckwith, "Baby please don't go!" Or words to that effect.

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Love that Bob!

Last night, ABC News Nightline attempted to tackle The Secret. Since Secret creator Rhonda Byrne is apparently interview-shy right now (goodness, I hope she’s not too brokenhearted over the disappointment about Tilak)*, Bob Proctor graciously agreed to sit down and talk to Cynthia McFadden about the criticisms leveled against The Secret and the Law of Attraction.

As you probably know, Bob, who is identified as a "philosopher" in The Secret, was one of the Three Amigos at the helm of that now-infamous $1,995 MLM scheme, The Science of Getting Rich. When I clicked on the web site just now, however, there only seemed to be Two Amigos; missing in action is the Reverend Beckwith. I certainly hope the guys didn’t have a fight or something. I don’t see why they would; after all, the Universe is a fount of endless riches, and there’s enough for everyone!

In fact I was all prepared to fork over $1,995 to get in on the scheme myself,** but alas, the SGR site seems to be closed down for the moment, with this explanation: "We had what is termed a ‘soft launch’ for this SGR program and we gathered a tremendous amount of feedback; data and information that is going to improve the program for everyone involved. In order to implement these changes, we have shut down all of the sites down for the next 24 to 48 hours to do the work that is necessary."

I'm thinking that at least some of that work would involve satisfying the demands of attorneys for Rhonda and gang's company, TS Productions, LLC. Just a wild guess. In the New-Wage world it always pays to read between the lines – you almost have to – and I'm thinking that "soft launch" is internet hustledork-speak for "Oops!"

But never mind that. Let’s focus for the moment on Bob Proctor, who has met the criticisms against The Secret head on and has come out on top.

"I find it amusing that anybody would criticize it," he told Cynthia McFadden. "Do you know, it's always been around? The law of attraction is always working. That's like saying the sun's not shining. The sun's always shining. You may not see it, but it's always shining. The law of attraction is always working." He went on to explain LOA to Cynthia, and gave an illuminating example:

CYNTHIA McFADDEN
And the law of attraction is…
BOB PROCTOR
Well, the law of attraction is based on a law of vibration. You’re, you’re a mass of energy on a high speed of vibration. And the vibration you’re in is controlled by the images that are in your mind, that are fixed in your mind or the thoughts that you’re thinking. And the controls the vibration you’re in. That dictates what you’re going to do. It also dictates what you attract to you. You’re not going to attract something to you that you’re not in harmony with.
CYNTHIA McFADDEN
Now, do you mean literally attract?
BOB PROCTOR
Absolutely, just like a magnet. You felt – well –
CYNTHIA McFADDEN
[OVERLAP] But I thought, I thought magnets attracted their opposite.
BOB PROCTOR
Well, magnets complete a chain.
CYNTHIA McFADDEN
Okay.
BOB PROCTOR
It, it keeps a circle going. And, but if a person is very positive they’re not going to feel comfortable around people that are very negative, are they? They’re going to be repelled from them. They’re going to be attracted to other people who are very positive. Like attracts like. You’ll find poor people all living in the same neighborhood. You’ll find wealthy people all live in the same neighborhood. They’re attracted to situations.
CYNTHIA McFADDEN
Yeah, but poor people can’t afford to live in the wealthy neighborhoods and the wealthy don’t want to live in the poor neighborhoods.
BOB PROCTOR
[OVERLAP] Well, that, that’s, that’s the obvious answer but that isn’t the real answer. You’re going to find that almost all people in poor neighborhoods are fourth, fifth generation welfare recipients. And that is because this thinking has been passed along in the genes. It’s a genetic conditioning. It’s not only genetic. It’s environmental. When you arrive on the scene why do you think you look so much like your relatives? Do you think it’s an accident? It’s all programming. It’s genetic programming...

Well, I don’t know about you, but that clears a lot up for me! Now I know why there are so many poor people on welfare. It’s not just environmental; it is also in their genes!

In researching Nightline story, ABC spoke to several experts on medicine, physics, finance and religion. One of the medical experts was Dr. Richard Wender, president of the American Cancer Society, who was concerned about the implication that we can create disease or heal ourselves with our thoughts. He told Cynthia, "I want to be very clear that there is no evidence that people attract cancer by their thoughts." When Cynthia confronted Bob with Dr. Wender's remark, he declared that the doctor was "not well informed in this area."

You tell 'em, Doctor Bob!

To address those burning quantum questions, Nightline went to Brian Greene, Ph.D. a renowned physicist at Columbia University. Dr. Greene said, "If by law of attraction, they have this notion of having a thought and it attracts like thoughts, I can assure you that quantum mechanics has nothing to say about that." He also added that even though he’d never met Plato, Edison, Galileo or Einstein, "I have zero evidence that any of them would’ve held on to any fundamental secret about the world and not shared it." When Cynthia mentioned all this to Bob, he answered that having a doctorate*** doesn’t necessarily make a person knowledgeable about these matters.

Knock ’em dead, Scientist Bob!

I could go on and on, but I’d rather let Bob speak for himself. Only a small snippet of the lengthy interview made the cut for the Nightline segment. (And, to be fair, Bob did say that he personally would not recommend that people who have cancer refuse medical treatment. Yet when Cynthia confronted him with the point that The Secret appears to be telling folks to eschew medicine, he insisted that anyone who got that message from The Secret was misunderstanding it.) Anyway, for a complete transcript of the interview click here.****

* OK, she's probably over the heartbreak by now. Bob Proctor speculated she's probably just a little overwhelmed by all of the negativity that now surrounds The Secret. Shame on us critics!
**Not really. Do you really think I am that stoopid? Wait, don't answer that.
***He could have qualified that and said, "Even if it’s a real doctorate, like Brian Greene’s."
****Note: It is a 107-page PDF file, so it may take a little while to load.

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Wednesday, March 21, 2007

Doc’s into wishin’

The subject line of the email I received today was, "Intuitive Physician Reveals the Secret to the Law of Attraction." Well, I thought, that seals the deal for me. If mainstream medicine is now embracing LOA, it’s gotta be based in real science.

Upon reading further, though, I found that Dr. Robert Friedman, whose ad was graciously sent to me by my favorite New-Wage spam service, is not an M.D. or even an O.D (osteopath). Instead he’s an O.M.D., or Oriental Medical Doctor, although frankly he doesn't look Asian to me. But no matter. What’s important is that, according to him, anyway, he has discovered the secret that increases the Law Of Attraction. What he has to offer, he says, is "a Universal GPS for optimum achievement." Now, that sounds like cutting-edge LOA technology.

Dr. Friedman, or, as he prefers to be called, "Dr. Robert," has a special LOA program geared to business owners. He’ll be offering a free teleseminar on April 5 from 6 PM Pacific Time (9 PM Eastern). The teleseminar will center around what the email Dr. Robert sent to me calls "The 9 powers of success" but what Dr. Robert’s IntuitEdge web site calls "The 9 chakras of success."

And Dr. Robert is well qualified to present these secrets, as he is not only an Oriental Medical Doctor but also "an Intuitive Business Consultant and Author, who combines four decades of business experience with the science of physics and intuitive foresight in a business program that will transform your life!"

It seems pretty obvious the good doc is wishing and hoping that he’ll be able to jump onto the Secret/LOA bandwagon with all of the other New-Wage hustledorks. But it's getting pretty crowded there now, and he has a looooong way to go before he catches up with Mr. Fire or The Three Amigos. Still, I've always liked to root for the little guy. So keep on hustling, Dr. Robert!

PS - I’ll be back to my usual blogging self soon…I am dealing with major work deadlines, as well as a few family crises that have me feeling like Edvard Munch’s most famous painting.
PPS - Don't miss tonight's 90-minute teleseminar exploring The Secret. My pal Blair Warren, along with host Kevin Hogan and a couple of other guys, are going to rip The Secret a new one.

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Saturday, March 17, 2007

Another wacky weekend

First of all, Happy Saint Paddy's Day, everyone! Just a few potshots, and then I’ll be off.

Something stinks in here
The subject line of the email message was intriguing: "Clearing the Way to Manifestation with Clear Away Essential Spray."

Well, who couldn’t use help with manifesting, at least once in a while? I thought. I know that the best way to improve one's manifestation skills is to shell out a thousand bucks for a miracle weekend or something, but not everyone can afford that. And so, eager to find out more, I followed the link to a sound clip that told me all about a scientystical new spray from a woman who calls herself Adora Winquist. Isn’t that just the most adorable name? Adora is the creator of Rhiamon Energy Essentials, offering "Synergies for the Greater Good of All." Her best-selling product, she says, is her Clear Away Essential Spray. I suppose she felt a need to jump on the manifestation/LOA bandwagon, and who can blame her?

I urge you to follow the sound link too, and just for the fun of it, count the New-Wage buzzwords as you listen.

There’s no research yet on whether the Clear Away Essential Spray works to clear away the malodorous auras surrounding the Secret promoters and other New-Wage hucksters these days…but judging from all the buzzwords on that sound clip, I’d say probably not.

This just in from Atlantis
Have I got a deal for you! Those of you who have been here a while may remember
a piece I wrote last November on a marvelous device based on Atlantean technology. This device, the Buck Rogers Atlantis Environmental Energy System, was being offered at an incredibly low sale price, as I recall. (I’m in too much of a hurry to actually go back and review what I wrote way back then, so I’ll let you do it.)

Anyway, I just got in an email informing me that this same device is now available for an even lower price: $6,000.00!

Here’s how the Buck Rogers works:

The Buck Rogers Atlantis provides natural resonant health options to the public and public places. These options work by returning different aspects of energy to their own zero point balances, then moves them forward in a steady, active, balanced manner. The energy in your aura, subtle bodies and public place or building where The Buck Rogers Atlantis is placed will begin to work together harmoniously, in many different combinations.

This wondrous contraption gives you the best of all worlds, utilizing "ancient Atlantean and Egyptian technologies, combined with modern space-age discoveries. Sacred geometry, the stabilizing energy of gemstones, metals, natural fibers and Atlantean science combine in the resonant service available for you when using the Buck Rogers Atlantis System."

Here’s what one satisfied Buck Rogers Atlantis owner said:

So here’s the latest:
1. In the last 24 hours since receiving bucky I’ve gotten 3 calls from corporate recruiters looking to have me switch jobs.
2. New York leads continue to appear out of the blue. Probably $200k in new leads and calls. We’ll see how much of that gets closed.
3. Meditation is flying of course. Big heart clearing on Monday. Just watched. Nothing to worry about. It bubbled out and then moved out.
4. Couple of speaking engagements have popped up. Having fun with those. Go bucky!

Who needs The Secret when you have Bucky on your side?

Bucky is now available directly from my favorite New-Wage spam email service. They will use the funds from the sale to further their spiritual work on Earth, which includes interdimensional communication and arbitration; assisting the Earth in warding off comets, astral debris and asteroids; and aiding "the balancing of the Earth on her rotation."

Serious buyers can just send me $6,000.00, and I will see that it gets to the sellers, or, better yet, to my bank account. I will use the funds for monetary energy exchanges in service to the highest good, or at least in service to a debt or two.

Quotable quotes
I must say I’ve really been getting a kick out of a thread on Blair Warren’s Crooked Wisdom blog regarding the historical leaders, teachers, scientists, etc. who supposedly utilized the principles taught in The Secret. Famous dead people as diverse as Einstein, Jesus, Churchill, Plato, Edison, and even Mother Teresa have been kidnapped from the pages of history and are now being held hostage by New-Wage terrorists. And the same misfortune has apparently befallen a few live quantum physicists. I am sure that all are pleading to be released from the New-Wagers’ agendas, but so far their pleas are falling on deaf ears.

One of the most interesting aspects of this famous-dead-folks angle is the Secret promoters’ claim that the big secret – the Law Of Attraction – was known by many influential teachers and leaders and masters for centuries, but was deliberately kept back from the masses. This matter gets discussed on Blair’s thread too. So if you haven’t visited this thread (which provided my inspiration for the crude little collage above), you really ought to do so now.

For your viewing pleasure
And finally, my intensive research has uncovered yet another DVD called The Secret – or, rather, "
Le Secret." Now, this one looks interesting. (No snide remarks about Rhonda and Tilak, y’all. Besides, that great affair is apparently over; you knew it had to happen.)

All right… that’s it for now. Have a wonderful Saint Patrick's day, and if you get pinched for not wearing green, I hope you really enjoy it!


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Friday, March 16, 2007

Fridaze

Hey, it’s Friday! I’m sorry about getting so serious on y’all yesterday. Beware the Ides of March, indeed. Well, you’ll be pleased to know I’m back to normal today with my cheery reporting from the edge of reason. So here I go again, with this special Post-Ides edition of News You Can Use.

Hellacious progress
Yesterday I promised you an update on what’s going on in Hell, where,
by some accounts, every day is Fry-day. (Warning to Blair: There are some pretty unsavory things about Gene Simmons on that link. Proceed at your own risk.)

On the other hand, there are many who believe the Nether Regions – and I’m not talking about naughty bits here, but the world below us – are filled with lost souls who just need a helping hand. If you’ve been following this blog for any length of time, you’re probably familiar with Extreme Lightworker Bryan James of Circle of Lights, who is leading the Nether Worlds Reclamation Project to rescue 50,000,000 lost souls from Down There. Some of these poor things have been stranded in Hell for thousands of years. Anyway, I just got another update via email, and you’ll be pleased to know that real progress is being made, thanks to Bryan and thousands of volunteer Lightworkers:

  • 100% have shown some movement
  • 100% have opened their eyes
  • 66% are walking with some assistance (25% without)
  • 58% are asking questions (e.g., "Who am I?" or "Where am I?")
  • 15% are regaining cognitive ability and attending schools
  • 13% have ordered The Secret.

Ha, ha, just kidding about that last item. But that’s coming, I’m sure. There’s a whole new market opening up for Rhonda and company!

PRIME SOURCE speaks about "the Bad Seed"
Bryan James has also tapped into "Prime Source," aka God, Who actually prefers to be referred to by the former name. According to an email Bryan sent to me, Prime Source has issued a dire warning about our chromosomes.

The ‘Bad Seed’ is a Y chromosome that was placed in your DNA by the Dark. Through this means, you can sabotage yourself from achieving your ascension. Very few people would lose their way under most circumstances, were it not for the severe conditions this creates.

The Seed becomes activated when you choose to live your life contrary to mine. Your lives are meant to be manifestations of me. My purpose was never to create a duel (sic) path, which has caused many to lose their inheritance.

Be a Light. Love unconditionally. Send your Light and Love through out my creation.

Either Prime Source is saying that all men are potentially evil, or He/She/It is saying that we womenfolk also have a Y chromosome, which makes us susceptible to the Bad Seed as well. In any case, as long as you’re living your life in accordance with Prime Source, you should be okay. Just thought you’d want to know.

You must act now! (Or pay Steven to teach you how)
Are you a frustrated actor? Are you tired of getting nothing but bit parts in glorified infomercials? Oh, wait,
that’s not necessarily such a bad gig.

CUT!

Okay, let’s try that again.

Are you a frustrated actor? Are you fed up with getting nothing but shopping-mall grand openings or feature appearances on Celebrity Nose-Blowing? Has your agent fired you?

Well, have you ever considered putting The Secret to work for you – not only to hone your craft but to attract better roles?

Then you will be thrilled to learn about an upcoming workshop from self-described American guru, business yogi, manifestation scientist, and bestselling author Steven Sadleir. Among his many other accomplishments, Steven is director of The Leading Edge Corporation, which teaches corporations and individuals how to squander copious amounts of money on more unadulterated crap take conscious control of their minds. Sadleir, according to a recent news release, "provides practical step-by-step training in using The Law of Attraction to create greater prosperity, happiness and peace."

And now he’s bringing the astonishing power of LOA and The Secret to actors. At the end of the month he’ll be delivering the big Secret to Empowered Actors, a Los Angeles based organization that "provides actors and those in the performing arts access to prominent speakers, information and activities that empower their careers." I first learned of this on Jody Radzik’s Guruphiliac blog, and thought it worthy of passing on.

And to all of us naysayers who have scoffed at the idea that the Law Of Attraction is science, here’s egg on our faces! Sadleir has cracked the code to LOA. According to the news release mentioned above, he has discovered that the process of creating what you want can be scientifically ’splained through the equation (I + E) x F = M, or "Clarity of Intention plus Energy times Focus equals what you Manifest in your live (sic)."

But just knowing this equation isn’t enough. "It’s one thing to understand these laws and another to bring them into practical use," says Pauline Doan, Director of Public Relations at The Leading Edge. She adds, "People need more guidance for these principals to be effective, and that's what we provide them."

Move over, Einstein! (And move over, Scientology, Cruise, Travolta et al., for that matter.)

Secretrons? I’m all Forum!
The more research I do, the more amazed I am at the many different ways The Secret and LOA can be put to use in everyday life. Just a passing glance at
Marcy From Maui’s Powerful Intentions Forum reveals how lives can be changed dramatically by application of LOA. For example, there’s Chantal, who says her balding husband has actually used LOA to grow more hair. Excited Forum mates wanted to know just how he was doing it, and Chantal gladly shared:

He does his hair daily, without trying to "hide" the bald spots.
Before, he would bring his chin down and always focus on the bald spot.
Now, he has his chin UP and doesn't even see it while he does his hair.
He tells himself that he has lots of hair and he also visualize having more while he's brushing them. He keeps telling himself that new hair is constantly growing...
That's about it I think.
I also bought him a new shampoo who thickens hair...so maybe that helps too!
Blessings,
Chantal

And then there’s a guy named Sal, who was inspired by watching The Secret to turn his life around. "I need a mantra for porn addiction!" he pled to his fellow Forum members.

As it turns out, I’ve got a porn mantra that may help: "keepuhtowelhandee."

That’s it for now…back to work!

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Thursday, March 15, 2007

Chopra, The Secret, and the unenchanted world

I’ve never been a big Deepak Chopra fan. (Does it show?)* Chopra gets points off in my book for several things, including his considerable ego, the Q.M. (quantum mysticism) factor, his former close ties with the Maharishi, and just the general fact that he's been a New-Wage cult figure for over fifteen years.

Even so, I’m granting him some benefit of the doubt when it comes to his opinion of The Secret. Apparently Chopra doesn’t think much of it, as he indicated on the March 9 broadcast of Bill Maher's Real Time. Chopra's distaste has been a topic of discussion on Marcy From Maui’s Powerful Intentions forum and elsewhere.

Not surprisingly, Chopra's dissent, and the apparent reluctance of some other New-Wage megastars to get behind The Secret, is causing a bit of a disturbance among some Secret fans. Is it possible to be both a Law Of Attraction believer and a Chopra follower? Since LOA is touted as a universal law, what does it mean if Chopra, whose insights so many have taken to heart, finds fault with the way this law is presented in The Secret? Some Secret fans think it's all about competition. One person on the Powerful Intentions forum wrote:

... it seems Deepak is concerned about the Secret being competion [sic] to what he discusses and markets. Perhaps he feels his sales could suffer, who knows. He has abundance and blessings in his life that I can only wish and dream about now, so something must be working overtime in his own system.

It is funny that he would criticize the Secret when he is applying the principles to his own workflow and gaining great success. Perhaps modified a bit for his purposes, but...That's what it seems to me anyway.

Another participant wrote:

...it seems that their (sic) is a conflict among the so called "experts'. Deepak is not too thrilled with this whole secret thing and is practically disgusted by it as we could see on the TV today. This is a real problem and it must be discussed in an open manner. I personally think to hell with everyone and more power to so called average people like you and me, even though we KNOW we are not average at all. We are awesome and as good as anyone out there.

Spoken like a true narcissist! Actually, though, this person had a point, and I think The Secret would have been far more palatable to many if, instead of a flock of self-serving New-Wage hustledorks, the DVD had mainly featured average people who seem to be making LOA work in their lives for something more than lassoing a shiny new bicycle or a fancy sports car. But Rhonda Byrne apparently felt she needed marketable "names," not everyday people, to give her project leverage.

I’ve been discussing this and related matters with one of my new pals, Tony Michalski, an author, publisher and blogger who, like me, is no fan of The Secret. Tony is a long-time student of self-help and still likes some of it – he even publishes some of it** – but he thinks much of what is on the market today is schlock. He too has said he is willing to give Chopra a little benefit of the doubt where The Secret is concerned.

As I noted to Tony in a recent email exchange, I am sure Chopra is a bit miffed at the economic success of the Secret franchise, as some have speculated, but I am willing to bet his objections go beyond professional jealousy (if that's even an appropriate term here). Particularly since he is from India and, I would think, is still affected on some level by the devastating poverty there, he surely must be appalled by the materialism and narcissism that pervades LOA/New-Wage culture. And being a deeper thinker than your average New-Wage hustledork, he no doubt thinks that, at best, The Secret presents an overly simplistic view of universal law.

Apart from that, I’m not willing to cut Chopra much slack, thought I do understand why he appeals to so many. When doing some research about him I came across a Salon article by David Beers, written in 2001. Beers made a good point about the ultimate futility of skeptics’ arguments with Chopra’s ideas.

A lot of…credentialed scientists take their runs at Chopra's "factual errors" and "absurd ideas." All of them are wasting their time, because their angle of attack cleanly misses the appeal of Chopra today. What pulls people to Chopra is their yearning to pull free of scientific rationality, or, more accurately, to escape the unenchanted world that two centuries of the Age of Reason has bequeathed us.

Beers went on to cite an essay written in the mid-1970s by Theodore Roszak, "In Search Of The Miraculous." The article was written at a time when the so-called age of Aquarius was really just taking off, but it is as relevant today as it was then. As Beers explains it:

Roszak sees a great cultural divide. At the top stands "a secular humanist establishment devoted to the skeptical, the empirical, the scientifically demonstrable" which is out of touch with "a vast popular culture that is still deeply entangled with piety, mystery, miracle, the search for personal salvation."

There are two ways to interpret this split, writes Roszak. The first is to roll one's eyes, to blame "the hunger for wonders" on "incurable human frailty, an incapacity to grow up and grow rational." If so, "sadly one would have to conclude that the masses are not yet mature enough to give up their infantile fantasies."

But that's not how Roszak reads it. The second view, his own, is to see "the psyche at war" with itself. Each of us contains a critical intellect, but also "the innate human need for transcendence." Philosophy used to bridge the gap, but today's postmodernists have nothing to offer in that vein, having made a fetish instead out of "deconstructing" language rather than asking the questions of Socrates: What is the good? What is life's purpose?

Roszak argues that when super-rational scientists and academics "scorn and scold, debunk and denigrate more fiercely" the longing for wonder within each of us, it is "like scolding starving people for eating out of garbage cans, while providing them no more wholesome food."

Many people, particularly skeptics, would argue that science is providing that "more wholesome food" Roszak wrote about. The "real world," they argue, is sufficiently full of wonders without giving everything a mystical bent. And countless creative people have spent time, effort and money, especially within the past couple of decades, to popularize science and make it more accessible to the masses.

But most people want something more, and, for once, I’m not talking about wanting more "stuff." They want poetry and passion, mystery and magic, and not all of them can get their fill of that in the wonders of science and nature. (It doesn't help that some of those in the skeptics' camp are insufferably sanctimonious and patronizing at times; I myself have been guilty of those faults, at the same time that The Rev and I have been the targets of skeptical sanctimony, for the crime of not being skeptical enough. I truly have been on both sides of this conflict.) Though the worst of the New-Wage hucksters are shamelessly pandering to the sloth and greed that reside in all of us, people who want "more" are not necessarily lazy and greedy. Many truly are searching for a way to transcend the mundane. Many really are looking for a deeper meaning to their lives. And that is one reason why so many have flocked to Chopra for years, and why so many are flocking to The Secret now.

But none of this excuses the narcissism and materialism that pervades LOA culture these days. In our conversation about Chopra and The Secret, Tony Michalski (who graciously gave me permission to quote him) wrote:

One of the things I REALLY disliked about The Secret was its Baby Boomer, me-me-me, I want-I want-I want philosophy. As I researched self-help books, you can see how they sort of mirrored the prevailing attitude of the times. The turn of the century books were essentially Christian Science philosophies rewritten to satisfy a wider readership. The 40s and 50s gave us a work-centered philosophy that appealed to the "greatest generation" – the ones who made it through the Depression as well as WWII. With the Baby Boomers, we see a group who didn't really work for anything, but were given everything. Thus, you see "manifesting" become this "I think about it and I get it" type philosophy that was only made possible by the working parents and the working people who invented the new products and methods of production that provided satisfaction of wants on a whim.

With each move, we see the philosophy migrate from the society-centered (the Biblical love your neighbour as yourself) to the economy-centered (Napoleon Hill's T&GR) to the solipsistic (The Secret's focus on YOUR desires).

At each turn, we can ask if this is good? I think the economic-centered is the apex as it allows the individual to prosper as he finds his place within the framework of modern society. The new wave of New Wage brings about a gluttonous self-absorption – a new religion based not on a higher good, but a self-defined good. In other words, it's sanctioned masturbation for the masses.

And (bringing it back to Chopra), Tony's point was that while he's no Chopra fan either, Chopra "does profess to a higher standard than stroking the self. So, I wonder if it is indeed a money-related rejection or if he truly believes The Secret to be contrary to his own beliefs."

That's a good point. Beyond that, Tony has a good grasp of the history of self-help. And I agree with him that baby boomers were the original "me" generation of our times; it could even be argued that boomers are largely responsible not only for the narcissim but also for the sheer silliness of New-Wage culture. But, to borrow a phrase from Billy Joel, "We didn't start the fire." And as most folks know by now, The Secret was initially spawned by Rhonda Byrne’s discovery of Wallace D. Wattles’ 1910 classic The Science of Getting Rich. (Some, of course, would point out that notwithstanding the age listed on her MySpace page, Rhonda is a boomer herself, and who better to smack a New-Wage seal on a century-old classic?)

I do think it's ironic that many members of the generation which at one time famously rejected the crass materialism of its elders is now courting mammon in ways that would make the "antique people" in the late Tim Buckley's old anthem, "Goodbye and Hello," seem ascetic by comparison. Don't laugh, but at one time I thought the lyrics to that song were profound. Now they just sound like a parody. "New children," indeed.

On the other hand, the New Wage is definitely not just a baby-boomer thing. The Internet is alive with a bustling herd of Gen-X and Gen-Y go-getters, and I always get a kick out of reading their fawning remarks on the discussion forums and blogs presided over by New-Wage leaders. Furthermore, what is commonly known today as "prosperity consciousness" had its roots long before Wallace Wattles. Before Wattles there was New Thought, and of course some of the ideas go back much further than that.

But Tony is certainly right about "gluttonous self-absorption" that characterizes so much of today's New-Wage culture.

Another prevailing characteristic of the conspicuously enlightened set is their disdain for science and Western thought (which, curiously enough, coexists peacefully alongside many New-Wagers' insistence, particularly in defense of The Secret, that their beliefs are based in "science"). Calista McKnight has a good comment on some of the latest "science" claims by Secret proponents.

I’ve also found it amusing that so many "cultural creatives" seem to have rejected the entire Western cultural mindset that has allowed them the luxury of wallowing in their own narcissism. I touched on this briefly some years back in my semi-serious essay, A Few Words From The Wet Blanket At The Mystics' Orgy:

...multi-culturalism is a fine concept, but it becomes a sham when it is presented at the cost of trashing the contributions of Western/European civilization, which, after all, was chiefly responsible for giving rise to a society that affords us the leisure time to dream up multi-culturalism in its present form. Such a sophisticated worldview does not, it seems, come naturally to our species. All cultures, from the most "primitive" to the most "advanced," are inclined to put themselves at the center of the known universe. How about all those Native American tribes who referred to themselves as "The People?" Doesn't that say something about how they perceived everyone else? We all cut our teeth on warped histories. Leonard Cohen (whom I just can't stop quoting), wrote, "History is a needle / for putting men asleep / anointed with the poison / of all they want to keep."

If that is true, then this is also so: to awaken from our sleep and seek a larger worldview is an anomaly in human experience, and it is also a luxury afforded mainly to those who have the advantages of education, time on their hands, and technology (or - pardon my political incorrectness - servants) to take care of the grunge work.

In any case, I agree with Tony that self-help/spirituality trends are very much a product of their times. It might even be argued that, increasingly, the reverse is true as well. The self-help / pop spirituality industry – or, as Chris Locke calls it, the Spiritual-Industrial Complex – long ago took on a life of its own. Living things grow and change, which is to be expected. The question is: are we shaping the New Wage, or is it shaping us? At the very least we can ask, as Tony does, if each new development in self-help is good – and I think we should ask that question.

Good or not, we now have a glut of remedies for the horrors or sheer boredom of the "unenchanted world" that Beers wrote about in his article on Chopra. And to many people who should know better, it matters little if these remedies live up to the sometimes outrageous promises of their promoters, or if they provide anything remotely resembling happiness or fulfillment; it matters only that they are profitable, that they draw in ever greater numbers of readers and viewers. That's why people such as Steve Salerno of SHAM fame have so much trouble getting on Larry King or, heaven forbid, Oprah, whereas The Secret stars get invited again and again. In regard to the self-help movement in general, Steve has asked, and has made a serious attempt to answer, "Is this good?" But because his answer has mostly been "no," he's not the most in-demand guest on the chat shows these days. Those in control at the major media outlets have wholeheartedly embraced the huge cash cow that the New Wage has become, and they now allow it to make its way unharmed through our streets. Never mind that the bounteous bovine may very well be the carrier of an insidious form of mad-cow disease, and that the disease is spreading to all of us. It's all about the money.

Like many, I’m still struggling to find a balance between rationality and transcendence, or at least to reach a point where those two parts of my psyche are longer "at war" with each other, as Roszak would have put it. But, as must surely be apparent by now, I do not think the key to that balance is in The Secret. Nor, for that matter, do I think the key is in Chopra's mystically quantum views of life, the Universe and everything. When it comes to the New Wage, I am very much a part of the disenchanted world.

And for the most part, present post excepted, I deal with this by being either silly or snide. It has certainly occurred to me that the above is way too serious for a humor blog (I blame Tony). I promise to get back to being silly and snide ASAP. Next up: an update on what's going on in Hell. I think you'll be pleased.

* Regarding the "ad parody" above, which was adapted from my BLP (book-like product), Cosmic Relief: I realize that Chopra is no longer affiliated with the Maharishi, though he still had some financial interest at the time the original parody was created. And there's no doubt that he capitalized for several years on that association. He even got into a spot of trouble with the Journal Of The American Medical Association in 1991, by neglecting to disclose a conflict of interest concerning an article on ayurvedic medicine that he co-authored.
** Worth noting: Through his imprint, Kallisti Publishing, Tony Michalski will be publishing the revised and expanded edition of Blair Warren's book, The No-Nonsense Guide To Enlightenment.

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Tuesday, March 13, 2007

A lot to swallow


These days, it seems everyone is trying to cash in on The Secret and the Law Of Attraction. In a wonderful tribute to Rhonda Byrne's vision, people all over the Internet are getting, and spreading, the message of unlimited wealth and happiness, most of which can apparently be gotten while sitting on one's behind. Alas, some of these wealth-building plans are a bit beyond the budget of some folks whose visions are obviously as limited as their pocketbooks. Not to worry; there are plenty of smaller fish in the Ocean of Opulence!

I've blogged about The Spirit of Water folks before, in October and November of last year, but apparently I am still attracting important messages from them. And I just got this notice about The Spirit of Water Wealth Builder Gift Set, so I thought I would pass it on to you.
Water in Action equals the Law of Attraction. The "Secret" recommends using several positive practices to keep your desires in the forefront of your intentions. Water Blessing Labels are a silent reminder of what you want to manifest or change AND they re-structure your water's memory. You benefit both ways! See our website for this month's special gift set: The Wealth Builder Gift Set http://www.thespiritofwater.com
You obviously attracted this too. And you and I have been attracting some other neat stuff as well. For example, there's a guy named Alan Tutt who wrote a book. At least I think it is a book. The email I received not only didn't refer to Alan by name, but it didn't really say exactly what it was he was selling. For that, I had to do a bit of Googling. But the promises he sent me in that initial email, which had the subject line, "The Keys To The Secret," were so intriguing.

The body of the message bore the bold tag lines:

Today You Will Discover The Secrets
That Wealthy People Have Refused
To Reveal To Anyone!

I can’t help but quibble a bit on that one. Wealthy people seem to be crawling out of the woodwork now to "reveal" those Secrets... for a price, of course. But I can’t argue with Tutt’s promise that today could be my lucky day if I buy his product:
  • You too can have a never-ending flow of money.
  • Learn the easy way to attract prosperity into your life.
  • Being prosperous does not require hard work.
  • Bring money, love, health, & success into your life.
  • Learn key secrets to attracting unlimited prosperity forever.
But wait...there's more! Alan is prepared to teach me to...
  • Have anything you want easily!
  • Automatically attract prosperity to you.
  • A million ways to make a million dollars.
  • Simple ways to attract wealth.
  • Overcome barriers and obstacles to prosperity
  • Prosperity Mind! How to Harness the Power of Thought
  • Change your own magnetic properties and start attracting only those things you want into your life!
  • How to take advantage of the most powerful tool available for achieving anything you want!
  • Manifest money, success, happiness, positive relationships, or anything else you want into your life!
  • and MUCH, MUCH MORE!!!
Of course, this isn’t free, because, as Alan explains, “Knowledge gained freely is very seldom appreciated. And I would like to increase my own prosperity somewhat as well.” Well, hey, at least Alan is honest! In any case, whatever it is he has to offer is a real bargain because it's only $39.95 through this email offer. But if I go to his web site, I can not only get the product for nearly eleven bucks less, I can also start right away on my own prosperity by buying resale rights to Alan's product!

For you prissy idealists who find all of this focus on material wealth a little distasteful (and really, I think y'all just need to get with the program), I want to reassure you that it’s not all about money. There truly are some lovely, idealistic people in the LOA crowd. For example, there is Aiden, Child of Light, a member of Marcy From Maui’s Powerful Intentions Forum. Aiden’s Current Powerful Intentions are:
  • To live a perfectly healthy life free of diseases, discomforts, and abnormalities.
  • To create loving, peaceful, and harmonious relationships with my loved ones and others around me.
  • To create financial freedom and abundance.
  • To enjoy life to the fullest.
Aiden’s Life Purpose is equally idealistic: “To create joy within myself and share it with others. To celebrate life!” Under “Values,” she writes: “I am a fun loving, free-spirited Child of Light who enjoys every aspect of my life. I'm kind, loving, and respectful in dealing with others but I'm not bound by rules, regulations, and social norms which only purpose is to restrict people's enjoyment of life. As long as I don't harm others or myself, I'm free to do anything to enjoy life to the fullest without fear or guilt. I'm also very open minded and excited to learn new things that enhance my life.”

But it is Aiden’s Vision that truly got me choked up:
  • To have a successful internet business that creates value for others and in turn provides abundance and wealth in my life.
  • To live in a waterfront mansion surrounded by nature in a tropical paradise.
Who says The Secret and the Law Of Attraction are all about narcissism and materialism?

Okay, I know you're really excited by now. But calm down, go pour yourself a tall drink of water (hopefully, water that's been properly blessed)... and then send me some money – as always, the more, the better – so I can share with you the real secrets of unlimited wealth and happiness.*

* Not really. I just have some debts I'd like to pay off before the world ends in 2012.

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Monday, March 12, 2007

Cosmic Connie plays Cupid

I just wanted to post a reminder to all you single guys who are looking for the love of your life. Rhonda Byrne, creator and producer of The Secret, is still single. I don’t know if she’s still dating Tilak or not, but in light of his recent troubles, I’d say any one of y’all has a chance of eventually becoming the next Mr. Rhonda Byrne, provided you haven't been involved in any money or sex scandals. (At least not recently; if it's been a few years, no worries – the public has a short memory, and Rhonda's probably way too busy to research your past.)

And Rhonda is quite a bit younger than many of you may have thought. Although most of the news media have listed her age as 55, according to her MySpace page she is only 37.*

Or maybe it’s just that Aussie years work the opposite way as dog years do. On the other hand, it could be that there are international exchange rates in time as well as currency, and the Australian Year (AUY) currently has a higher value than the US Year (USY).

Or…maybe Rhonda simply used LOA to literally make herself younger. In a world of limitless possibilities, the possibilities are limitless!

On Rhonda’s MySpace page are a string of several heartfelt messages from people who desperately want Rhonda to notice them. One lady who goes by the name "Serendipity Jane" has even suggested that Rhonda put her in The Sequel, which is now in production. Jane, a life coach in Belgium who lists her age as 92 (there's that bothersome exchange rate problem again) wrote to Rhonda:

I'm in turmoil about the secret:

You told it to the world and now I am the only one who still keeps the "part two" of what was hidden beyond the science of getting rich and it is here in my treasure chest.

Like attracts like ... so here is my secret offer for you, Rhonda....

The secret sequel in the making needs another face.

I have mine dusted and shining.

I have a mission and this GOOD news will be preached...until there's no more want!!!

Many blessings.

SJ

Come to think of it, guys, Jane is even cuter than Rhonda. And she’s single too.

You don’t have to thank me. Just the thought that I may have contributed to someone’s happiness is reward enough for me.

PS (added on Monday evening) - I realize the MySpace page could be a phony one – to tell the truth, I can't figure that site out – but if so, maybe Rhonda needs to have MySpace take the page down, or at least make them change that gaudy purple background. In fact, in MySpace's The Secret community alone, there is enough ghastly design work to keep Vince Flanders, of Web Pages That Suck fame, busy for years.

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Sunday, March 11, 2007

Degree-happy

It is a beautiful Sunday, and spring is breaking out all over the Bayou City. It’s a balmy 78 degrees today, mostly sunny, and the bluebonnets should be popping their heads up any weekend now. The birds are out in force around our house, every one of them intent on producing a mess of little birdlings. All around me the white-winged doves are belting out their mating call, which, depending upon whom you’re talking to, either sounds like "who-cooks-for-you" or "koo-koo-ka-koo." They must be really randy this season, because I’ve even been hearing them throughout the night. Or maybe I’m just having auditory hallucinations.

Anyway, this being spring and all – that glorious time when even nonbelievers can almost believe that God is alive, magic is afoot – I am trying to turn over a new leaf. My powerful intention is to focus more on the positive than on the negative. I truly want to work on my personal growth and expand my horizons. I want to be more than I can be.

So I’m thinking of buying me a couple of advanced degrees. And maybe one or two for The Rev, too, as a late birthday present.

See, I keep getting these emails from New-Wage degree mills metaphysical universities, urging me to buy earn an advanced degree in Metaphysics because it will help me professionally. A Masters or Ph.D., I am constantly being informed, will increase my credibility, thus possibly increasing my earning power. Most important of all, it will help me make the world a better place. And who doesn’t want to do that?

I figure that I’m getting all of these emails at this time because the Universe is trying to tell me something.* The Universe is informing me that it is time for me to become a Metaphysician.

The problem is, I can’t decide on universities. And since I am on a budget, there is also the matter of tuition to consider.

I was talking to The Rev about this and he pointed out that one can obtain a doctorate of divinity from The Universal Life Church for pretty cheap. "That’s fine," I told him, "but I never cared for divinity. It’s too sweet."

"No, I’m talking about a degree," he said. "Focus, Connie, focus!"

So I went onto the Ministry Products page on the Universal Life Church web site. Since I’m already an ordained minister with this Church, it did seem logical for me to start there. I found that not only could I earn a Doctorate of Divinity for a mere $29.95 USD, but I could obtain an entire Ministry-in-a-Box set for only $139.95. I thought about it a while, and decided that since I’m still pretty much an agnostic, it would be somewhat hypocritical of me to pursue my doctorate of divinity, although the Reverend Doctor Cosmic Connie does sort of have a nice ring to it.

I should note that the Universal Life Church offers many other degrees and titles. A few I’ve long been interested in are Universal Philosopher of Absolute Reality; The Very Esteemed; Baroness; and Lay Sister. But somehow these don’t have quite the cachet of "Dr." So I’m pretty sure I’m going for a Ph.D. Or maybe two or three.

But my goodness, there are so many choices! Now, it’s true that the Universal Life Church also offers a Doctorate of Metaphysics for only $29.00. They highly recommend that while obtaining this degree, you also obtain related study materials available from the ULC bookstore.

I admit ULC is awfully tempting and certainly economical, but I’m thinking that one of the larger metaphysical universities might carry more credibility. There is, for example, the University of Metaphysical Sciences. Getting a doctorate seems pretty easy:

The Doctorate Degree has no written or audio lessons. The only work required is writing a 10,000 word doctoral dissertation (equivalent to two book chapters in length) on any metaphysical subject you would like to write about. For instance, if you want the Ph.D. in Holistic Life Coaching, you must write your thesis on a subject pertaining to life coaching. Otherwise, there are no limits to the subjects you can choose. Once you have submitted your doctoral dissertation you will receive your final credentials, the Doctorate Degree, within 6-8 weeks.

And I would also get a chance to earn a second doctorate, increasing my credibility even more.

A second Doctoral Degree can be earned by writing another doctoral dissertation. Many students find the second degree useful, for both the D.D. and the Ph.D. serve different purposes. The D.D. is for those who do one on one work with others, while the Ph.D. gives the student more prestige as an author, teacher and lecturer. Many students earn both degrees in order to meet all their needs for credentials. The second Doctoral Degree must be attained within three years of the first Doctoral Degree.

Of course there may be a bit of a catch; it’s possible that a bachelor’s degree and a master’s degree are prerequisites. But that’s not really a problem, because the University of Metaphysical Sciences offers those degrees as well. (A Bachelor of Metaphysics would earn me the right to put B.M. after my name!) I have the feeling that I could purchase a B.M., M.M. and Ph.D. all in one big package deal. Or I might just be able to use my life experiences as credits towards one or more of the degrees.

Another metaphysical college that allows credits towards a bachelor’s degree for previous education, training and skills, is Calamus International University, whose corporate headquarters are in the British West Indies. I’ve been getting quite a few emails from them lately. They offer an amazing array of courses and "student-friendly continuous assessment – no stressful final examinations." For those in a hurry there is this intriguing offer: "No bachelor’s degree and want to achieve a doctorate without taking years? Contact us for confidential specialised advice without obligation." And convenient monthly payments by PayPal are possible.

Good Goddess, I could be swimming in degrees before summer!

So… get ready to start calling me Dr. Cosmic Connie, y’all. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to have to go out and clean some more white-winged dove poop off of the mini-van before The Rev and I go out to dinner.

* Either that, or the metaphysical universities just bought a bunch of advertising from my favorite New-Wage spam service.

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Friday, March 09, 2007

Mea culpa, mea culpa

The more I learn about The Secret, the more deeply ashamed I feel. I have been so wrong about the motives of the wise and wonderful people who created and starred in that great infomercial. First off, I have it on good authority, though I’ve yet to see last night’s Larry King Live show, that some of the teachers from The Secret did a darned good job of answering all those bothersome naysayers who have been trying to hold humanity back by criticizing The Secret. And I understand that Larry asked the teachers some pretty tough questions! I hear that he even gave some air time to the Dark Side, in the form of a mental-health professional who suggested that The Secret might be harmful in some cases.

Yet the masters were up to the challenge, and from what I understand, they pretty much put to rest any objection people might have about the glorious teachings that were brought to a waiting world by Rhonda Byrne. In fact, one of the masters was so elated over the LKL triumph that he later celebrated by dining on garlic-flavored condoms at a trendy LA restaurant.

And then today, one of my new friends* sent me a link that erased all doubts about the motives of the masters in The Secret. Apparently three of those teachers care so passionately about my well-being that they have banded together with a brand new program to help me get rich. All I have to do is pay them $1,995 USD (actual value $3000!) and I’ll be on Easy Street. I am just astounded that these good-hearted men would allow me access to all of their amazing "secrets behind The Secret" for such a low price. Who says they’re only about making money for themselves?

I must admit this took me by surprise. Of course, if I’d had Blair Warren’s gift, I might have foreseen such a program. But I had no idea. I find myself thinking now of Jody Foster's words during that emotional scene in the movie Contact, as she tearfully beholds the unspeakable beauty and grandeur that has just been revealed to her: "I had no idea. I had no idea. I HAD NO IDEA!"

I am similarly awestruck.

And I find myself sinking into ever-deeper levels of remorse, and yet at the same time rising up to new heights of unspeakable awe, as I learn more about the good-hearted Rhonda Byrne, creator and producer of The Secret. That same friend who sent me the link to the altruistic Secret program mentioned above also sent me a link to a page on Marcy From Maui’s Powerful Intentions Forum. I have blogged about Marcy and her PI community on a few occasions. Well, I was apparently wrong about several points. For one thing, in one of my posts I said that even though Marcy seems to be a big Rhonda fan, Rhonda hasn’t actually contributed all that much to Marcy’s forum.** But I was wrong! Rhonda has a whole big page on the PI web site, on which she shares her grand vision for The Secret. I won’t copy and paste the whole thing, but here are some highlights:

From the moment of discovering The Secret, my vision and my "powerful intention" was that it would bring joy to billions around the world! I knew that the way would be made for this vision to be realized…without a shred of doubt in my being…

I dreamt and knew that The Secret will be in every school and every library across the planet.

I knew any appearance of barriers would dissolve and I trusted that "a way will be made". The universe delivered a sharp blow to me when I tried to tell it the order of these mediums, and so I graciously let go of trying to control that, and then the avalanche began in the Divine Order of the Universe.***

I saw the seas part. I saw all paths open before me, both the ones I knew and others that were delivered to us…

I declared for those who could not afford The Secret, every path will open and I will be shown the way for them to receive it.

Today we are being inundated with requests from hospitals, universities, doctors, schools, health clubs, churches, corporate organizations and companies wanting to share The Secret with thousands. We have people and organizations in poverty stricken countries asking if they can broadcast The Secret to millions....

The Secret has behind it the mightiest force and the greatest intention. It is for the One, the All. It is a film sending out a message of pure love and joy..........being delivered to billions.

And so it will be done, on Earth.

Joy to you all, Rhonda

By the time I reached the end of that missive, tears**** were streaming down my face.

I am truly humbled.

But wait, there’s more! That very same friend who sent me those links also sent me a link to a brand new book that I promise will change your life as it did mine. It will take you far above and beyond even the grandest hallucinations visions of Rhonda Byrne. You may think that’s not possible. But then, you haven’t read the free ebook, The Super Dooper Dooper Secret!

And I really think you should.

PS - If you liked that free ebook, and you like me for suggesting it, please send me my favorite gift, money. If you send cash, any denomination of US currency will do so long as it features a portrait of Benjamin Franklin, one of history’s most famous users of the Law Of Attraction. Or better yet, just send me a money order in any increment of $100.00 USD that you feel guided to send. The Universe wants you to do this.

PPS - This just in: Here is the transcript to last night's Secret infomercial on Larry King Live.

* And when my friend sent me this link, he implied that if I didn’t blog about it he might come and take my salad fork away. So… do I get to keep my fork, T?
** By the way, some of the members of Marcy’s Powerful Intentions Forum seem to be a bit shocked and dismayed that The Secret is associated with MLM programs. Some of these folks are genuinely surprised about this. Maybe these people should have been reading Blair Warren’s blog, or…um…perhaps they should have just been paying attention to the hype that’s been on about a million pro-Secret web sites since months before the DVD even came out.
*** With a little help from some aggressive viral marketing
**** Of laughter

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Thursday, March 08, 2007

The sweet buy and buy


I am really beginning to have second thoughts about The Secret.* I’m thinking I have been a bit too hard on this astonishingly successful franchise, particularly in these past few weeks. And I’ve certainly been too hard on some of the Secret teachers. After all, what’s wrong with encouraging people to buy stuff, or with being really, really, REALLY proud of the stuff you’ve bought yourself? Isn’t buying stuff one of the main reasons we’re here on this Earth? Of course it is! I don’t know why I’m being such a stick-up-the-arse about this, especially given the fact that I like to buy stuff too.

And there’s no denying that The Secret has allowed many people to get a piece of that big ol’ prosperity pie we all deserve. The Secret and that other scientystical** masterpiece, What The Bleep Do We Know?!? have encouraged many New-Wage entrepreneurs to create and market some wonderful merchandise to help lift humanity to a whole new level of enlightened consumerism. And it is all based on cutting-edge scientystical research.

Many of these products have made it easier than ever to make good things happen in your life with very little effort. For example, there are temporary tattoos you can put on your body to draw good things to you. There are blessing labels you can put on your water, particularly the water that goes inside you. And you can also use Law Of Attraction principles to bless your food.

I think it’s really pretty wonderful that The Secret and What The Bleep have provided keys to amazing technologies that make it easier than ever to get exactly what you want in life. I think of how difficult and cumbersome things used to be before the key to the Law Of Attraction was revealed to the ignorant masses.

For example, I’m looking at the instructions for a " Full Moon Spell For Love," which is part of a set of "Holistic Resource" cards offered by a company called IMP. According to this spell, here’s what you have to go through just to attract the love you desire. First you have to gather a bunch of stuff, to wit:

1 red apple (preferably organic)
Pink and/or red rose petals
Red pen
Knife
Large sheet of paper
Red ribbon

The card explains that pink and red are the colors of love, so you should use these colors in your spell to guarantee the best results. And once you’ve gathered all your materials, here’s what you have to do:

  1. Write down on pink paper the characteristics you’re looking for in your love match.
  2. Hold your apple up to the Moon (it should be a full Moon), and say, "Lady Moon of sky above, grant my wish and send me love."
  3. Take your knife and use it to carve into the apple an image of two hearts touching.
  4. Sprinkle the rose petals over the paper and use it to wrap them and the apple up, with your writing on the inside.
  5. Bind the package with the ribbon, knotting it three times as you speak your wish aloud.
  6. Take the package to a natural place such as a park or the woods. Bow to the Moon three times as you walk away. You will soon find the love that you desire.

But that seems to be an awful lot of trouble to go to when you can just slap a label on yourself or your stuff and get what you want that way. Or, better yet, just ask your special Secret genie!***

To me, the most exciting message the New Wage has to offer is that you can literally buy your way to happiness and enlightenment. And who doesn't like to hear that message? Whether you’re purchasing a piece of jewelry, a temporary tattoo, a thousand-dollar weekend seminar from a certified Miracles Coach, or a two-point-something-million dollar mansion, total fulfillment really is just a transaction away.

And what’s really exciting is that there’s even an enlightened credit card you can use for many of your purchases.

But wait…there’s still more. In fact, there’s something even better than an enlightened credit card. The Universe has a blank check with your name on it! At least, your name will be on it when you put it on. I read it on The Secret web site:

The Bank of the Universe is now open!

It has unlimited abundance, available to you right now!

Actually it has never NOT been open, but only a few throughout the history of mankind knew of the unlimited abundance that was theirs for the asking.

You must believe that you can receive it, so take small steps with the amounts, if that feels more believable to you.

Place the check in a prominent position where you will see it every day!

Every time you look at the check, STOP!!! BELIEVE and FEEL that you have the money NOW!

This is followed by a link to a picture of the Universal check, which I have thoughtfully included here. I think it is so wonderful of the Universe to do this for us, and even more wonderful of Rhonda Byrne and her pals to make it available to us.

There’s only one little problem that I can see.

The check is stamped, "Not negotiable."


PS - Tonight, Thursday, March 8, 2007 at 9 p.m. EST., CNN's Larry King Live will take a look at the criticisms of The Secret. I am not sure who all will be on, but I do know Joe Vitale will be there speaking on behalf of The Secret. You can send in questions about the topic via email by visiting this link. Who knows, your question might get on the air.

* Not really.
** Scientystical (adj.): Scientifically mystical. Coined by Cosmic Connie a few weeks ago.
*** Or ask any of the Secret teachers. Call now! Smooth operators are standing by, just waiting to take you... I mean... take your order.

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Wednesday, March 07, 2007

Babe in the woods

Today, Dear Ones, I am going to share the stupendous, skirt-lifting news I promised you yesterday. If you thought The Secret was an amazing gift to humanity, the impetus for a permanent shift in consciousness, the harbinger of a wonderful new era in history…well, you ain’t seen nothin’ yet.

I first learned of the astonishing treasure I am about to share with you when I received an email bearing the subject line: "Thousands quit their jobs after hearing girl’s message." My first thought was, hmmm, Rhonda Byrne isn’t exactly what you’d call a girl, but maybe this is a new marketing ploy.

But I quickly realized this wasn’t about The Secret at all. It was about something far more significant: a series of books from Russia that promise to change my life forever. As I read the message I grew more electrified by the minute:

DON’T MAKE ANY PLANS... WHY ?
Because these electrifying messages will change your life forever!
FOR 10 YEARS THESE BOOKS HAVE BEEN KEPT A SECRET FROM US!
"As I began to read, the hairs on the back of my neck stood up, and goose bumps rippled down my arms…" WHAT IF something got you SO EXCITED...
You started dancing around the room and you couldn’t sit still if your life depended on it?
You COULDN’T SLEEP – perhaps for days?
What if I told you about a Series of Books that ...
Within minutes of starting, countless readers have ordered 3, 5, even 12 copies to send to friends & loved ones?
• After reading, thousands of people have quit their jobs?
• Have sold over 11 million copies in Europe with no advertising except word of mouth? (That’s ELEVEN MILLION!!!)
• Have created a frenzy of excitement among people from all walks of life?
• Have inspired top scientists and military officers to write poetry and paint?
• Are the most stolen books in some overseas bookshops?
Sounds amazing... but... IT’S ALL ABSOLUTELY TRUE !
Can you think of ANY books, in the entire history of humanity, that have had such a response?
Well these ACTUALLY have! And very few English readers have even heard of them ... until NOW.

And so on.

By now I know you’re so excited you’re about to wet those new underpants you bought just for this occasion. I can hear you begging, "Please don’t keep me in suspense any longer, Cosmic Connie."

Well, now. I find that I rather like to be begged.

But never mind that.

I will not keep you waiting any longer, especially since I have no financial stake in teasing you for months and months about this product. So you’re not going to find any hypnotic copy here – no riveting teasers, nothing to make you drool or want to know more, nothing truly mesmerizing. All you're going to see here is the plain truth, laid out for you in black and white. Or bluish-gray and deep bluish-black, if you're reading this onscreen. I really need to change my blog template.

The product that is about to change your life forever is a growing series of books called The Ringing Cedars series. And within these books you will learn absolutely everything you need to know about life, the Universe and everything, as the late Douglas Adams might have put it.

Just listen to what some excited readers have said:

"Basically, these books make all the books that I've read to date look like a complete waste of paper! .... I think that going through life without this knowledge is a waste of time, and not passing it on to children is a crime. I can say with confidence that nothing like these books exists in the world today." ~ Rafal, Australia

"Truth that has not been distorted by dogma or someone’s ego! I might explode from emotion if I read any more! I had a hard time getting myself to just stand still." ~ Ana, Portugal

"After reading this series I have recommended that … [my daughters] … give away all their other reading materials…" ~ John, Melbourne, Australia

"The book is awesome. I can not explain how very little I have read in my life and certainly I’ve NEVER finished one book I started. This book was different and I could not put it down, ever! The truth lies in there for sure and which I believe is why it is selling incredibly all over the world with no advertising at all." ~D, Canada

Another Aussie wrote, "I did not move until I had read every word – actually I lie – every so often, I found myself jumping up and pacing around the room in a sort of excited dance, only to sit down quickly and keep reading. It was quite late when I finished and went to bed."

And one reader described the day that s/he read the first book in the series, Anastasia (pronounced Ah-na-sta–SEE–ya): "That day my life changed forever. I quit my job! Never again will I waste a precious moment doing meaningless work!" (I couldn’t help but notice that this is a few thousand readers short of the number mentioned earlier in the email, but I don’t want to quibble here.)

Okay, so just what are these books, and, more importantly, who wrote them?

The author is Siberian entrepreneur Vladimir Nikolaevich Megre. According to a bio page I found, "Little is known about Vladimir Megre's early background, apart from a few experiences he himself describes in the context of his writings." I like a man of mystery, don’t you? But just wait till you hear about the mysterious babe he met in the woods, Anastasia. She’s the one who is actually the source of the wisdom imparted in the pages of The Ringing Cedar books.

It seems that some time back in 1994, Vladimir met two old geezers on the bank of a river in the the Siberian taiga. These elderly gents clued him in about the amazing properties of the Siberian cedar, which is known in the West as the Siberian pine. Vlad sort of brushed the guys off, but later did some research and found substantiation for their claims. Being an entrepreneur, he knew there was a way he could make some money off of this stuff. So he organized a boat trip, with his personal agenda being to find out more about the famous "ringing cedars" firsthand. At one point he told the crew to go on their way, and he slipped off to the spot where he’d met the two old dudes the previous year, hoping to see them again and maybe cut a deal with them.

Stopping for a break among the fabled Siberian cedar/pines, he broke off a piece of bark to snack on. Turns out the bark had hallucinogenic properties. First he heard a strange ringing in his ears. And then, behold, he beheld a beautiful blonde.

Okay, I just made up the part about the hallucinogenic bark (as far as I know, anyway). The real made-up story is that instead of finding the old guys, Vlad found this lovely young blonde woman who claimed to be their granddaughter. She said her name was Anastasia. Turns out she wanted to change the world, or at least change Siberia. But damned if she was going to venture out of the woods to do it.

"No problem, милая,* I can help you with that," Vlad said. "Have you ever heard of viral marketing?"

All right, I just made that up too. Vlad was initially touched by Anastasia's youth, her blonde-ness, and her soft supple what he first took to be her charmingly naïve worldview. But then as he grew to know her, he found she was much more than a lovely hallucination stemming from too much solitude and way too much vodka a pretty young woman. She had amazing psychic abilities as well as a great deal of knowledge about the world around her. In fact, she knew an awful lot for a nymphette who'd been holed up in the forest all her life.

Vlad really should have been a little more careful. After the gorgeous golden-haired girl had completely gained his trust, she offered him a drink...and the next thing he knew he was waking up naked, alone and in horrendous pain in the bathtub of a seedy hotel in Leningrad, missing a kidney.

Well, that's not quite what happened.

To tell the truth, I am not sure exactly what happened in those woods between Vlad and the blonde. The text, as is so often the case in the New-Wage realm, is not entirely clear.

…Vladimir came face to face with certain psychic abilities of Anastasia’s which defied explanation, even though they were undeniably real to his perception — inexplicably manifesting themselves in a tragic struggle of virtue against vice which unfolded before his very eyes. He was shaken by scenes somehow presented to him from his not-too-distant past, but from a totally new point of view. Now able to look at his own and others’ behaviour more objectively, Vladimir gained a new appreciation of what Anastasia was endeavouring to do, and in an effort to help, he promised to fulfil Anastasia’s request and write a book about his experiences.

Did you get any of that?

What is clear is that this experience, whatever it was, resulted in this series of books. When Vlad got home he tried to share his experience with others and apparently they just looked at him like he was a wacko. But his experience was so profound that he had to do something, and besides, he’d promised the imaginary blonde Anastasia that he’d write that book for her. In fact, she made him quit his job and devote full time to writing the book, though it seems she did this only after he’d failed at a few of his business ventures. He ended up penniless, and his marriage failed, though whether this had anything to do with his wife being unhappy over his Anastasia obsession, I couldn’t tell you. Let’s face it, Vlad was at a low point. And then…and then…well, who says miracles don’t happen when you’re utterly desperate you just put your heart and soul into them?

Then something incredible happened: without any specialised training, Vladimir Megre launched into writing a series of books which in a very short time became extraordinarily popular, selling in the millions, and would be translated into some twenty languages. Each passing day introduced more and more new readers all over the world to these remarkable writings.

The books set forth — in very clear language — profound ideas about the education of children and the importance of communicating with living Nature — ideas ranging from nutrition and health to spirituality and sexual relations. With their practical wisdom on matters of everyday life, the books have become the basis for a number of sociological studies and scholarly papers.

Apparently Vlad had problems finding a publisher at first, because his writing sort of sucked. But over the course of the first few books, his writing improved, under the influence of Anastasia, he says.** Now the books have taken off like wildfire in other parts of the world, and will soon be sweeping the US, I have no doubt.

But I still haven’t really told you what these books are about, have I? Well, maybe this snippet from the Ringing Cedars Series FAQ page will help illuminate the matter.

What are the books about?
About everything!

Are they fiction or non-fiction?
Neither! We invite you to read the Series to form your own opinion on that.

Is she a real person or a (fictitious) heroine of the books?
When asked this question by the author, Anastasia affirmed that she does exist for those for whom she exists. At a later date she pointed out that it was not very practical to doubt the existence of the transmitting radio station when you are listening to this radio's broadcast. For a further discussion of this matter, please see the chapter entitled "Author's message to the readers" in Book 1 and Chapter "Illusory people" in Book 2.

Would you share with me Anastasia's e-mail or ICQ?
As far as we know, she does not use the ICQ. You can e-mail her in Vladimir Megre's care.

So it seems as if Anastasia is pretty much like everything else in the New-Wage world; “she exists for those for whom she exists.”

I keep thinking of Vlad and the blonde, and that makes me think of... you thought I was going to say Neale Donald Walsch and God, didn't you? No, it makes me think of that scene in Monty Python and the Holy Grail, in which King Arthur imperiously explains to one of the peasants how he became king:

Arthur: The Lady of the Lake – her arm clad in the purest shimmering samite, held aloft Excalibur from the bosom of the water, signifying by divine providence that I, Arthur, was to carry Excalibur. THAT is why I am your king!
Man: (laughingly) Listen: Strange women lying in ponds distributing swords is no basis for a system of government! Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some... farcical aquatic ceremony!
Arthur: (yelling) BE QUIET!
Man: You can't expect to wield supreme executive power just ’cause some watery tart threw a sword at you!!
Arthur: (coming forward and grabbing the man) Shut *UP*!
Man: I mean, if I went ’round, saying I was an emperor, just because some moistened bink had lobbed a scimitar at me, they’d put me away!
Arthur: (throwing the man around) Shut up, will you, SHUT UP!

But anyway. There’s more good news from Russia with love. Besides these marvelous books, there is also a whole line of Ringing Cedars products. And you too can get in on this amazing enterprise, changing your life and the lives of others by selling cedar to nuts. Or, rather, by selling cedar nuts.

I just know that by now you’re dancing around the room and have already placed an order for two, three, five or twelve copies of each book, as well as dozens of pounds of cedar nuts and a few sets of cedar spoons. I think Anastasia would be proud. And so would the watery tart.

For more Musings about Anastasia, click here.

* "Sweetie" (at least according to this site).
** Or, perhaps, under the influence of a good editor or ghostwriter?

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Tuesday, March 06, 2007

Unevolved...or just unimpressed?

I want to share something that might come as a bit of a surprise to some fans of The Secret. You could, I suppose, call it another secret. Here it is: Not everybody who dislikes The Secret, or argues against the assertion that the Law Of Attraction is "scientific," does so because he or she is (1) "not ready" for the message; (2) not spiritually or emotionally evolved enough to grasp Truth; (3) closed-minded; or (4) jealous of the rich New-Wagers who have cleaned up so handsomely on The Secret.

When it comes to the ideas promoted in The Secret, some of us have simply "been there, done that." It’s not that we’re not ready for these ideas. It’s just that, for any number of reasons, we’re not impressed by them. It’s not that our minds aren’t open, or that we are incapable of grasping the Law Of Attraction. Many of us have seriously considered the ideas and rejected them, or perhaps have even embraced some of these notions ourselves at one time, but have since discarded them. (And I daresay most of us who reject the idea that the Law Of Attraction is a scientific principle formed that opinion after studying material produced by real scientists.)

And it’s not that we begrudge the New-Wage capitalists their wealth. Many of us simply take issue with the way some of that wealth has been gained: at worst, by selling empty promises, and at best, by selling…well, the opportunity to sell. Regarding the latter, I think Blair Warren put it very well in this post on his Crooked Wisdom blog. (He took a more cynically humorous approach in this one.) Read Blair’s posts and ask yourself, Do those sound like the words of someone who is "not ready" for the message in The Secret, or who is too spiritually undeveloped to grasp it? Or do they sound as if they were written by someone who has observed the dynamics of New-Wage culture and sees The Secret as little more than another example – though a stunningly successful one – of viral marketing and MLM-style hustling?

As I wrote the other day on a discussion on my blog, someone looking at the "bigger picture" might say that the Secret/LOA phenomenon is just like any other cult, or, in less extreme cases, any other self-help or spiritual path in which people get all caught up. (As a matter of fact, there is a big Secret discussion going on at Rick Ross’s Cult Education Forum.)

When it comes to self-help/spiritual exploration, it seems to me that most of us are either "coming" or "going." And where we are on the path of exploration will have at least some influence on our opinion of The Secret. Those who are on their way in one direction – who are either still in the starry-eyed, "oh-wow" stage of spiritual/mystical discovery, or who've been "into" it a while but have some sort of emotional or financial investment in it – are much inclined to love The Secret. They are the ones most likely to reject or even resent criticism of it, with many dismissing the critics as being negative, poor sports, spiritually ignorant, jealous of the success of others, and the like.

Criticism of The Secret is far more likely to be accepted or shared by those who are on their way in the other direction – people who are experiencing early or late stages of disillusionment – or those who never got much into spiritual and/or self-help stuff in the first place. (Of the latter, I’ve found, some have applauded my treatment of The Secret, while others have thought I’m not being critical enough, or that I am being critical for the "wrong" reasons.)

Even so, we are all more or less on the same road, though it seems to be a very wide two-way street. As I also noted in my recent discussion, some would say it’s a circular track, and I’d have to agree. I've been going round and round on this track for a while, and I keep passing the same people.

Most of you who are regular visitors to this blog have probably read what I’ve written, on my Cosmic Relief web site, about my own spiritual journey, such as it is. For those who haven’t, here are some links:

"Cosmic Connie Confesses" – My "electronic drunkalogue," in two parts:
http://home.swbell.net/moonshad/confessions.html
http://home.swbell.net/moonshad/confessions2.html

The twelve-and-a-half steps of Personal Growth Survivors Anonymous (originally written as a promo for my book-like product, Cosmic Relief)
http://home.swbell.net/moonshad/steps.html

My attempt to get serious about the self-help/new-age culture, written back in my earlier days as a skeptic:
http://home.swbell.net/moonshad/wet-blanket.html

And here’s a bonus, written 13 or so years ago but still relevant today. This isn’t about my spiritual adventures; it’s just a little something for anyone who may have been the victim of a New-Wage practitioner:
http://home.swbell.net/moonshad/new-wage.html

The point is, I'm not new to any of this stuff. I once enthusiastically embraced some of the ideas and teachings that I now lampoon. I've learned some lessons the hard way, and I'm not finished learning.

But I do think I’m getting a little bit tired of writing about The Secret again, especially since I’ve just recently discovered an even more amazing breakthrough. So stay tuned, because what I am going to reveal next is really going to blow your skirt up. I hope you're wearing underpants.

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Monday, March 05, 2007

Beggars and pretty women

The tag line for today’s Salon feature about Oprah’s cheerleading for The Secret sums it up pretty well: "By continuing to hawk ‘The Secret,’ a mishmash of offensive self-help cliches, Oprah Winfrey is squandering her goodwill and influence, and preaching to the world that mammon is queen." It’s an article that I think is well worth reading.

Having been in on numerous discussions about the controversies surrounding The Secret, I can’t help thinking of a verse from one of Leonard Cohen’s most widely covered songs, "Bird On The Wire":*

I saw a beggar leaning on his wooden crutch,
He said to me "You must not ask for so much"
And a pretty woman leaning in her darkened door,
She cried to me "Hey, why not ask for more" **

For some reason, I’d always envisioned the woman in Cohen’s song as an Amsterdam hooker. But these days I tend to think more about the New-Wage hustlers of both genders who are selling not sex, but bright shiny promises of untold wealth. "Ask, believe, receive. That'll be $1,000.00, please."

Like Cohen, most of us live our lives with our attention focused somewhere between the beggar and the pretty woman. At any given time in our lives, our heads can be turned by either one. But The Secret and its promoters seem to be strongly encouraging us to ditch the beggar completely and turn all of our attention on the woman, who, all too often, is also a beggar – just a far richer and slicker beggar, who only pretends to have our best interests at heart.

Meanwhile, one of the stars of The Secret – and, it might be argued, a leading promoter of mammon – has said he is hurt because in the wake of his success and newfound fame, some of his old friends have turned into anti-Secret warriors. As one of those old friends, though hardly what I’d call a warrior, I’m truly sorry to hear he is hurting. But maybe, just maybe, he brought some of this hurt on himself.

PS - Just to prove that I am not totally a "negative thinker" or a "naysayer," I want to share with you an aggressively cheery, militantly positive site I just stumbled upon. Crank up your speakers and give a listen to "Musivation" innovator Michele Blood, who uses the "Lor Of Attraction" to get information to your brain 300 times faster than other methods! Go ahead! Have a whole-brain experience! And then go out and cure some cancer! Or at least manifest a new mansion or two for yourself!

* Those of you who know what a fan I am of his writing (though not so much his singing) probably knew that sooner or later I’d bring a Leonard Cohen quotation into this.
** Copyright © by Leonard Cohen Stranger Music, Inc.

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Saturday, March 03, 2007

Save the children, save your image

More and more people in the New-Wage community are manifesting great gobs of wealth by applying the serious, proven science taught in The Secret about the Law of Attraction. It just occurred to me, though, that some of the nouveau-riche celebrities in the LOA crowd might be facing some annoying image problems right about now.

It’s apparent that the most successful New-Wage leaders have mastered the art of what used to be called conspicuous consumption. And the really clever ones – the ones who are raking in the serious dough – are also practitioners of what I like to call conspicuous enlightenment.

Predictably, however, the jealous naysayers have come flying out from their dark hiding places, and some of them have taken certain New-Wage leaders to task for the simple and innocent act of repeatedly sharing the good news about their recently acquired wealth with their poorer brethren and sistren. The critics are claiming that this heartfelt sharing, which is done purely to provide inspiration to those who have yet to achieve a bragworthy level of wealth, somehow casts a bad light on the leaders. I hate to be a gloomy Gerta, but if this trend continues, it could potentially tarnish the leaders’ images – maybe not enough to seriously threaten their profit margin, but possibly enough to discourage new customers.

I know, I know: that’s simply not fair. After all, these gurus worked hard for their money.* But that’s just the way it is, and in a world where perception is everything, it just makes sense to pay close attention to one’s public persona, and fix any glitches before they get out of control. That’s why many famous people with far more money than morals spend thousands of dollars a month for professional image consultants. Well, out of the goodness of my heart, I am going to offer – for free – an invaluable suggestion to all of you New-Wage leaders who are tired of being perceived as avaricious, materialistic braggarts.

Not that there’s anything wrong with greed, I hasten to add. But let’s face it: some people find it distasteful. So the trick is to neutralize the avarice with a bit of conspicuous altruism. Hollywood stars and rock icons have known about this little trick for years.

There are several ways to practice conspicuous altruism. Certainly you could become a mouthpiece for some eco-politically correct cause. There are many to choose from, and if no existing causes appeal to you, you can make up one of your own. But just between you and me, people are getting a little tired of hearing celebrities preaching about saving Darfur or finding a cure for Asswipe syndrome or whatever. People – and by "people" I mean potential paying customers – are much more likely to be impressed by your altruism if you can demonstrate that you’re actually doing something, on an everyday basis, about the problems that concern you.

It was after reading about Angelina Jolie’s latest acquisition that I hit upon the idea I am about to share with you. Although Angelina wasn’t wrestling with the same problems that many of you New-Wage leaders are facing, she still had some public-image issues. People used to think she was a weirdo, partly because of her choice of spouse, and partly because of her taste in neckwear. Now, after dumping Billy Bob, snatching Brad from Jen – and, most of all, buying a couple of foreign kids (and traveling all the way to Africa to give birth to her own holy child) – she’s Mother Freakin’ Theresa.

I really do feel that getting into the international-adoption industry would be a perfect career/image move for you New-Wage leaders who are looking for a quick fix for your PR problems. It is also, potentially, a whole new way to cast your spell on millions of folks whom you might not otherwise be able to reach (not everyone is susceptible to hypnotic bragging, after all).

International adoption is a burgeoning trend, and I recommend that you get in now, before the field gets too crowded. You could start by purchasing a few orphans from Rwanda, if there are any remaining who haven’t attracted that pesky genocide thing. And while you’re at it, grab a couple of young’uns from different parts of Asia, Russia, Eastern Europe, etc. Then, just for good measure, you can pluck a kiddo or two from some US poverty hotspot, so no one can accuse you of ignoring the needs of children in the United States. (If you can’t find an Appalachian kid, at least try to scoop up a Katrina orphan or the child of a couple of meth-heads.**)

I understand that you may have some objections to this plan. For one thing, although I have none of my own, I have it on good authority that immature featherless bipeds can be a little messy, even after they’re paper-trained. That is certainly something to consider, but there's an easy remedy. If you don’t want the little tykes running around messing up that mansion you just bought, you could always keep them in a large enclosure, such as a Catarium. Better yet, have a special Orphanarium built. That way you can keep them out of your sight if you wish, they won’t have free run of your beautiful new digs, and you only have to go look at them when and if you feel like it.

Of course you will have to hire people to take care them – folks who will feed them, keep them clean, and read to them constantly from The Secret and your own works. (The DVD of The Secret will, of course, be playing constantly in the Orphanarium room, in order to scientifically and permanently transform the orphans’ brains.)

Naturally – and this is the most important part – they will always be let out of the Orphanarium and cleaned up extra-nice for photo ops. You can parade them before photographers and interviewers, making a big show of letting them climb all over you (the orphans, that is, not the interviewers and photographers). If you're not going to be a hands-on caretaker, you may need to hire an acting coach for the orphans so they can present a credible show of affection for you. Or, if you are skilled enough, you can simply hypnotize them into believing that they love you.

Once they get past the cute stage, you can release them from the Orphanarium and send them off to school somewhere, and replace them with new orphans if you wish.

With the right amount of IOP (International Orphan Presence), you could quickly gain a reputation of having a heart as big as your ego and your bank account. And that will just make more people love you. They will continue to love you no matter how much you brag about your multi-million dollar swankiendas, your luxury sports cars, your custom Rolexes, your Playboy models, your movie-star pals, your trips to Maui, and the fact that everyone now recognizes you in airports and public restrooms.

And when people love you, they naturally want to give you more money. It’s really that easy!

Now, admit it: You just can’t get this kind of advice anywhere else. If you liked it, or any of the other free advice on this site, please buy me an Amazon gift certificate. Better yet, send me money so I can get my credit card debt paid off. I’m about $30,000.00 away from my goal.

* Many, it should be noted, have worked hard selling tips about how you, too, can sit on your ass all day like they say they do, and still make a billion bucks a week in "passive income." And all of them are busy little bees when it comes to self-promotion. (For additional information, see Blair Warren’s Law of Extraction.)
** Re children of meth-heads: I should warn you that the top entry on the "Google search" link I provided will probably be Narconon. Do not confuse this with Narcotics Anonymous or Nar-anon. Narconon has ties with the Church of Scientology and is based on the teachings Scientology founder L. Ron Hubbard. Read what they're saying on Skeptico's blog about the Narconon/Scientology connection.

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Friday, March 02, 2007

The Secret, with a grain of Saltz

One of the stars of The Secret who has been making the rounds on TV lately is James Arthur Ray, not to be confused with James Earl Ray. Ray has been on CBS a couple of times this week, and just the other day he was on NBC's Today Show with Matt Lauer, facing off against psychiatrist, author and Today Show contributor Dr. Gail Saltz. According to Lauer, Secret creator and producer Rhonda Byrne was scheduled to be on this segment as well, but backed out at the last minute.

When host Lauer started the ball rolling by challenging Ray about the "scientific" nature of The Secret and the Law of Attraction, Ray answered firmly that it absolutely is based on science. Right off the bat he mentioned quantum physics, as all New-Wage marketers are apparently now required by law to do. "Everything that exists in the universe is energy, and energy vibrates," he noted, citing the observer effect as proof that we experience what we expect to experience. Since he said that in the same breath as his mention of quantum physics, I have to believe that he was talking about the observer effect as it applies to quantum mechanics, and not observer bias in the social sciences or something like that.*

Ray also cited research done by the HeartMath Institute in California, which he described as "the foremost leading authority on heart and vibrations and heart-based emotions." He said the Institute’s research has found that heart-based feelings not only impact our DNA but send vibrations out into the Universe, and those vibrations do indeed affect the things around us.

Dr. Saltz, either out of politeness or awareness of time constraints, did not point out that emotions originate in the brain, not the heart. Granted, they can have a significant impact on the heart, but the heart is not the seat of emotions. Nor did the good doctor address the feelings/DNA connection Ray mentioned. (By the way, I’ve noticed that more and more New-Wagers like to talk about how we can alter our DNA, either by changing our thoughts, or taking the right supplements, or a combination thereof.)

Regarding the science issue, Dr. Saltz really didn’t have time to say much except to note that there is no science to back up the notion that vibrations from thoughts can influence the world around us. She added that using scientific terms such as "vibrations" and "energy" doesn’t render something scientific. But Ray continued to insist that The Secret is based in science.

When Lauer brought up the concern, voiced by many, that one message in The Secret seems to be that people bring on their own illness, poverty, and other misfortunes, Ray answered, "Everything is your responsibility, nothing is your fault. There is no ‘blame’ here."

Some may say that’s just a matter of semantics, though I think the distinction is real. Yet in everyday life, people struggling with the concept of "total responsibility" are very often unable to make that distinction. They end up blaming themselves or others when things go wrong – which is pretty much what most of them were doing anyway without The Secret. And as many critics have noted, the concept of total responsibility also makes it even easier than it already was to turn away from people in real trouble; after all, one can rationalize that they "attracted" that trouble.

As for the magical-thinking charge, Ray did say repeatedly that The Secret – and his own teachings – are about taking action as well as wishing and hoping. That may be. But the promotional hype around The Secret – and again, I have to come back to that now-famous quotation about the Universe as a mail order catalog – has focused much more on thinking and feeling than on taking action. And as for Ray’s teachings,I can't help but notice that one of the actions recommended is the purchasing of tons of products and services from him and a few of his select buddies.

Lauer, who let Ray have the last word, wrapped up the segment with a remark that no matter what one believes about The Secret, we can all agree it’s taken off like wildfire.

After the Today Show segment, Dr. Saltz wrote some of her thoughts about The Secret and other self-help materials on her blog. She elaborated on what she’d said on the show – that she believes positive thinking, optimism, and gratitude can be very helpful. But she reiterated that there is no real "science" behind The Secret and the Law of Attraction, and she is concerned about potential harm.

There is no scientific data to support the idea that one’s mind can send out a vibration which will bring an external object to you or affect another person or affect a future event all by itself. This is rather the author’s idea, belief and wish. Actually, it may be many people’s wish. But by stating it as scientific fact and as a secret that will absolutely bring you success if you do it correctly, it is not only a misrepresentation — it could be harmful.

And boy, did the Secretrons come out in droves to attack her. Although on both the TV show and her blog she was far kinder and gentler than I and most critics have been, the Secret fans were angry, condescending and sanctimonious.

One reader wrote, "Listen lady, you have a lot of learning to do... And also, you were very rude and came across close-minded. Of ciourse (sic) its not a good idea if you have cancer to think about NOT having cancer. - because you are sending the message out there still focusing on CANCER. If you are ill, think HEALTH. BELIEVE HEALTH. And then act it. Get with it, for your sake."

Most of the comments accused her of being closed-minded, negative, stuck in her own narrow paradigm, unwilling to explore cutting-edge research, and the like – pretty much the same things I’ve been accused of. Some chided her for using her position of prominence to spread negativity instead of giving people hope – something I've not been accused of, since I have no prominence to speak of. At least one person accused her of just wanting "face time" on TV and not caring about improving the lot of humanity.

Apropos of the latter charge, it is entirely possible that Dr. Saltz is not the humble altruist and potential savior of the human race that, say, Rhonda Byrne, Joe Vitale, John DeMartini (talk about humility – do follow that link), and other stars of The Secret are. But I think she does have a responsibility, to her audience as well as to the patients in her private practice, to take a stand about something she believes is unscientific and even potentially harmful. That’s what she was doing, and I think she was being pretty respectful, all things considered. I also think the news media have a responsibility to present both pro- and anti-Secret points of view, and they are finally living up to that responsibility.

One writer on Dr. Saltz’s blog accused her and Lauer of "ganging up" on poor James Ray. It seemed to me that Lauer was simply asking questions that most people would ask about the more extreme claims in The Secret. He was, in other words, posing the challenges that Larry King and Oprah were apparently too starry-eyed to even consider.

One of Ray’s final shots at Saltz on the Today segment was to quote a pioneer in her field, William James. Maybe he thought that this would give him some leverage with his scientifically-minded rival. But Dr. Saltz wasn’t convinced.

I don’t recall the quotation; you can play the clip and find out for yourself. I will, however, share my own favorite William James quotation: "We believe as much as we can. We would believe everything if we could." And I really think that the phenomenal success of The Secret, and, for that matter, What The Bleep?, is a pretty clear indication that James was right.

PS - I should note that due to the quantity and vehemence of the responses to her blog post, Dr. Saltz felt compelled to do a follow-up the next day titled, "Clarification On The Secret." I actually thought her message came through loud and clear the first time, but apparently it didn't for everyone. In an effort to deflect the wrath of the Secretrons, she acknowledged again that The Secret has some valuable ideas and many people are obviously getting something from it. But she did repeat her question about the Law of Attraction: "Where is the science?"

The responses were much more civil to this post than to her previous one. Naturally, there were those who pointed her to sites that purported to show her the science, but these sites were adverts for New-Wage marketing devices. And one person repeatedly tried to persuade her that she could really open her mind if she'd do the Landmark Forum, which is just the latest incarnation of est (the Landmark hustledorks I've encountered try to keep this under their hats, though).


* On the other hand, he could have been referring to a Star Trek episode. But for those who are interested, here’s another viewpoint on quantum mysticism.

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